another dozen movie dash

Back in October, I did a "Dozen Movie Dash", where I gave quick reviews on 12 films that I had seen recently. Its been a while since I gave any sort of real movie review, so I thought I'd bounce back with Another Dozen Movie Dash... ready? Here we go...

"GHOST RIDER: SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE"
This movie is terrible. With Nic Cage starring as Marvel anti-hero Johnny Blaze, who, with a deal from the devil in the first movie (just called "Ghost Rider"), turns into a flame headed, fire cycle riding crazy monster guy who feeds off of the souls of bad people, this movie isn't nearly as good as the first one. And the first one was pretty bad. As a matter of fact, I'm still watching this film, and I can already tell you, this movie is awful.

When these three show up, you know its going to be a little different
than most horror/slasher flicks

"CABIN IN THE WOODS"
A horror slasher film for the modern day "been there/done that" horror film society. Five college students head out to a cabin... located in the woods, conveniently enough... belonging to a relative of one of the teens. From there, they get picked off one by one, which isn't a spoiler because you would expect that from a movie like this.

Its the way it happens, and the why that is intriguing. Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins appear almost randomly, it seems, setting up a system of games and death for our heroes that is unexpected... and fun. If you like suspense and scary type of films, but want something different, then check this flick out. There is a needless boobie scene in the middle, and lots of language... plus slasher violence, so get ready for that.


"JEFF, WHO LIVES AT HOME"
Jeff, played by Jason Segel, does in fact, live at home. In his mom's basement. And he's in his mid 30s. He spends his days watching TV--notably, repeated viewings of his favorite film, the Mel Gibson starring and M. Night. Shamallama directed "Signs"... and he also spends an inordinate amount of time looking around the room, the neighborhood and the universe for "signs" to tell him why he is here, and what is fate is. After getting a phone call for someone named Kevin, he takes this onto himself to discover what the universe is telling him. On the other side of the story is his older brother, Pat (Ed Helms), a different kind of loser, but a loser still, is in a failing marriage to wife Linda (Judy Greer) due to his laziness and apathy. Both Pat and Jeff are also dealing with their mom (Susan Sarandon), who is dealing with her own little issues.

Jeff and Pat, in an important meeting about life.

Expecting a comedy, I was quite surprised when I discovered it was more of a drama... a dramedy, if you will. And, I was also quite surprised how much I enjoyed this film... it all rests on the charm of Jason Segel, who I'm a fan of, and his portrayal of good guy, if not deeply flawed, Jeff. I think Ed Helms is usually dependable and funny, and I really love Judy Greer (also in "13 Going on 30" and "Love and Other Drugs") in the way I love Marisa Tomei and Emma Stone, that is, I'll watch whatever they are in. There is a lot of language, but thankfully, no dirty scenes... the cast brings this together and makes it work.


"THATS MY BOY"
Ok, so this is Adam Sandler's 2012 entry into his catalog of crap (see also "Little Nicky". And "Mr. Deeds". And "Jack & Jill". And that "Zohan" movie. Better yet, don't see any of those movies). The story goes that back in the day, a teenage Donny had an improper relationship with his teacher, Ms McGarricle, and ended up fathering a son named Todd. And due to Ms. McGarricle's incarceration, Donny, 13, gains custody of his son. And when Todd gets older and is getting married, having told everyone that his parents are dead, here comes daddy Donny--Adam Sandler.

This film is not good. It has its funny moments every now and again, and the addition of Vanilla Ice as a major character, playing a parody (though its probably close to real life) of himself, is a major plus. Maybe more films should have Vanilla Ice in them.

I would totally watch Ghost Vanilla: Spirit of Ice, probably with more gusto and enthusiasm than what's on now.

Anyway, "That's My Boy" has way too much language, and F-bombs everywhere. The material is very suggestive, the jokes are very raunchy, and really, its just all around bad. Maybe wait a bit, catch the somewhat edited version on Spike TV or USANetwork in 2014.


"PROJECT X"
Don't watch this movie. Its a "found footage film" about a party that gets way out of control... and I got through the first 10 minutes of it and couldn't deal with it. Three teenagers who use the F-Bomb, and much worse, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and it's crap. If I want that language from teenagers, I'll watch "Superbad". At least its entertaining.


"HERE COMES THE BOOM"

If you can get past Kevin James as an MMA fighter, than you might
get a kick out of this film.

DO watch this movie. Seriously. This movie is fantastic. Well, I say that being a Kevin James fan... yes, he's kinda dopey, and yes, his movies won't win any awards ("Zookeeper"? Its awful. But awesome. And I love it), but this is a delightfully fun story.

Kevin James is Scott Voss, a high school teacher who is kinda just getting by... but gets a new fire when he finds out that his friend Marty (Henry Winkler) is going to lose his job when the school district cuts out the music program in the school. So, Scott does what any hard working joe would do when needing to earn $48,000... he turns to MMA fighting.

And yes, things turn out exactly like you'd think. Its a silly premise, but Kevin James' charm makes this movie happen. Its completely family friendly... I'm sure there is a bit of language in it, but I don't remember it at all. No sex, and only boxing style violence. Loved it.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez: It was cute.  I liked "Zookeeper" better, if we're ranking Kevin James movies, but it was cute.


"FLIGHT"
Talk about your downer. This is not one to watch when looking for a comedy or something to lighten the mood. Not. At. All.

For starters, Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington) is an alcoholic. He's also a pilot, and the movie is a snapshot of his life over a few weeks following the opening of the film... when he pilots a jet airliner stoned and drunk out of his mind. And in a well shot, harrowing opening sequence, he lands the plane in a field, becoming a hero to America... until they find out he was high and stoned. Did this cause the plane crash in the first place? And does it matter if it did?

Denzel does what he does... takes the role, makes it his, makes it believable, and makes it awesome. That being said, this is in no way a family film... or a nice film... or an easy film to watch. Its got language, its got tons of drug use, some boobies right off the bat, and a depressing downward spiral of a man who seems like a good man. A good man doing very bad things.

Verdict? If you can handle it, its definitely worth a watch, just once. I'll probably never see it again.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez:  Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Pretty good, but not something I want to watch again.

SIDEBAR: "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" just ended. Frankly, I wanted all of them to die in a fiery inferno. It never got better, just worse.


"THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER"
Some films you go into knowing you're going to like it... and if you don't, its a bigger disappointment than if you "thought it would be better". This is one of these films that I knew I was going to like. And thankfully, I wasn't disappointed.

You just can't help but like Sam

Charlie (Logan Leman) is your typical high school loner... he's a freshman, and on his first day of 9th grade, he only makes a single connection: his English teacher (the always awesome Paul Rudd). He meets two high school seniors, Sam (Hermione Granger) and her step-brother Patrick (Ezra Miller)... and from there, its a high school movie. Romance, conflict, bullying, forbidden love, betrayal and so on.

Though this has all of the aforementioned high school movie characteristics, its also fun. And its got heart. Charlie and Sam have an instant connection, and you want them to be together, despite the freshman/senior difference, and though you may not agree with Patrick, you still feel for him and what he ends up going through. Mostly, its about friendship. And its also awesome to see Emma Watson in something that doesn't involve magic wands and a shouted "stupify!" spell.

Rated PG-13, it does have a few things that are for teens and up, so I probably wouldn't let Campbell watch it.. but its cute and quirky, and I loved it.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez:  I really liked it. 


"LINCOLN"
This was movie that I should love... but wasn't sure if I would.

Much heralded, highly anticipated, Daniel Day-Lewis personifies the 16th president, Abraham Lincoln. The film covers the final four months of Lincoln's life, as he is desperately trying to get the 13th Amendment ratified... the one that bans slavery and involuntary servitude.

Lincoln did well in theaters.  Typically, Lincoln's outcome in theaters
has not been very good.

The all star cast includes Tommy Lee Jones as Thaddeus Stevens, a fierce abolitionist... Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln, Abe's wife who turns out is a bit batty... JoGo Levitt as Robert Lincoln, the eldest son... Jackie Earle Haley as Confederate VP Alexander Stephens... and in a part that could have easily been nominated for Best Supporting Actor, David Strathairn as Sec of State William Seward... and what seemed like a billion bit parts for various congressmen, soldiers and so on.

Also among the cast, James Spader as Republican operative William Bilbo, one who is given a task of rallying support for the 13th Amendment. Spader is very recognizable, but its such a juicy role, a part that I don't think he's had in a long, long time.

Its definitely a talkie.. a lot of talking. A lot of talking. A lot. So, don't go into it sleepy, as you will lose yourself amongst the chatter of slavery and freedom and government and war. Even Danny D-Lewis' immaculate performance as Lincoln becomes secondary to the story after a while. Highly recommended, minimal language, and historical war violence.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez:  I really liked it.  Alot.


"MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION"
Oy.

Yeah, somehow I ended up watching this with The Lovely Steph Leann. Amusing at times, but silly. And stupid.

Oy.

The Lovely Steph Leann:  (when asked, she laughed).  Um... it was okay.  I liked "Here Comes the Boom" better. 

Oh look... another picture of Amy Adams.  Go figure.

"THE TROUBLE WITH THE CURVE"
An aging baseball scout (Clint Eastwood) has been told by the Atlanta Braves, who he's been with for forever, that he's just not cutting it in this modern day society of technology and so on. So, Gus is given one last assignment by his boss (the underappreciated John Goodman), but also asks Gus' daughter Mickey (Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with) to join him to keep him straight. They scout a prospect in North Carolina, meet a young rival scout, played by Justin Timberlake, who also becomes interested in Mickey, and also has to fight off Braves executive Phillip Sanderson (Matthew Lillard, who is becoming pretty good at playing the sleaze) who wants Gus' job.

That's the movie. And its pretty good. Slow at times, but the story in engaging, and having a grizzly Eastwood, a really good Timberlake and Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, on screen doesn't hurt. PG-13 for language.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez:  I liked this movie. 


"PITCH PERFECT"
Yes, yes, this seems like Glee-Lite. Or Glee: The Non Concert Yet Still Musical Movie. It does seem like that. Don't be fooled... this movie is wonderful. An absolute delight of a film.

Anna Kendrick (r) and Rebel Wilson (l).  Rebel plays "Fat Amy".  Just
the name itself is hilarious. 

I love Anna Kendrick, which was the main reason for watching this film, and it made me happy that it was such a good movie. Kendrick is Beca, a student who is forced to go to college by her father, and ends up taking an internship at the college radio station. She ends up joining The Bellas, an all girl acapella group, who through much strife and drama (all girls, remember?), make it to the regional competition, taking on other groups like The Treblemakers, High Notes and my favorite name, Pitch Slapped.

Its quirky, its fun, co-star Rebel Wilson steals every scene she's in, and in a subtle shot at Glee, one of the categories of songs during a competition includes "Songs that Glee Ruined".

Some language gives it the PG-13 rating. Its one of those rare movies that I liked the more I thought about it, and am looking forward to watching it again.

The Lovely Steph Leann sez:  I LOVED THIS MOVIE... this movie was freakin' awesome. 


"PREMIUM RUSH"
So what happens when a bike messenger in New York City gets a package who's contents are so valuable, someone is trying to kill the messenger to get it? Thus is the question answered in "Premium Rush", this came-and-went-at-theaters little movie that feature JoGo Levitt, That Guy Michael Shannon and a few others that you might recognize, but won't remember their names.

Taking place in the span of 90 minutes, its this adrenaline rush of a film that takes place all over Manhattan, featuring chase scenes with bikes and cop cars and lots of action, even if the plot is a little predictable and unbelievable.

This is much like the Denzel film "Unstoppable"... its enjoyable from start to finish, and I liked the heck out of this movie. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is fun, Michael Shannon is a perfect creep, and the supporting cast is likable enough to keep the film going. Again, the plot is a bit far fetched, especially when you actually learn the contents of the bag, but still... check it out. PG-13 for language.


And finally... here's a few bonus quick reviews:



Why yes, Karl Urban does have this scowl during the entire movie.  And
that's part of its awesomocity.

"DREDD"... Great action flick. A billion times better than that Sly Stallone crap from the 90s. Violent, language, but well shot and lots of fun.

"AMERICAN REUNION"... The fourth in the American Pie series, and perhaps the best since the first one. The entire cast is back, and though its more of the same, its fun watching the characters try and act like adults for once. Rated R for lots of bad things, like the first one.

"WANDERLUST"... I wanted to like this movie alot, with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, as a couple who ends up in a strange commune in Georgia. Mildly funny, but it wasn't what I wanted it to be. Eh.

"BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD"... Really? Nominated for Best Picture? If I had stumbled across this quirky little flick on Netflix, I might have thought "well, that was kinda fun". But because its so ballyhooed and beloved by critics, I didn't expect it to be so... well, blah. Personally, I think it was acclaimed for only a few reasons: New Orleans. Post-hurricane. Poverty. Skip it.

"PIRANHA DD"... Run. Run from this movie. If someone holds a gun to your head, then take the bullet and hope for the best. Just sayin'.


So there ya go.  Hope you enjoyed our little dash through recent filmdom.  I tried to warn you what to expect in terms of language and boobage and the like, so please watch with caution.  And yes, I watch a ton of movies.  Don't hate. 

no one ever told me...

So, Campbell has his very first ever fever.  I say "first ever", as its the first one I know about... he might have had one here and there, but nothing noticeable and substantial...

...a few days ago, he was a little sluggish and even turned away his food--and just know, he NEVER turns away food... yesterday he coughed all day and had a fever... last night, he slept off and on for most of the day... we took him to the doc today, and naturally, he's pretty fine. 

He has his daddy's immune system, methinks. 

Fatherhood has been an interesting ride, and its no secret that I call Campbell Isaiah our "inconvenient blessing".  He's a definite blessing. And tax write off.  He smiles and you melt, he giggles and it makes you laugh with him, and when he is all cuddly, its the best.  He's a blessing.

But he is darn inconvenient... you know how many movies I saw at the theater in 2011?  38.  You know how many I watched in the theater in 2012?  Less than 10.  Seriously.  I've heard other parents say "Less than 10?!  I would be happy with 5 per year!" but I'm an avid movie goer and movie watcher...

He is darn inconvenient.  Never realized how inconvenient he would be.  There are a few other things that people didn't tell me... for instance...

No ever one told me...

...kids can hate car rides?  ALL I ever heard was "Oh, when Junior is upset, we just drive around the block a few times and he goes to sleep" and "Oh, when Little Mary is crying, we don't go home, we just keep driving and she just goes right out" or "Oh, when Bon Qui Qui is cranky, we just put her in the car seat and she just nods off immediately..."

Somehow, someway in my feeble little mind I just had this image of putting little Campbell, bawling his tiny little eyes out, and him just quieting down immediately, and then after a few miles in the Red Robin, he is just snoozing away...

Not so.  Oh, nay.  Nay. Nay, he say.

Matter of fact, Campbell hated that car seat, especially for the first few months.  He wailed and cried and screamed and went nuts... if you are familiar with Birmingham, and Highway 280 in particular, you'll know where I'm headed with this...

Usually after work at The Most Caffeinated Coffee Shop in Birmingham, I take a ride up the mountain to the Greystone area to pick up Little Pocket Change to bring him home (grandparents help to take care of him during the week).

Most of the time he is fine in his carseat... but as we crest the Brookhighlands Hill and get into the turning lane to leave 280 and turn onto Valleydale Road, somehow that is his 15 minute threshold.  And that is where he'd go nuts. In his own little baby squeal, he tells me, loudly, "Get me outta this carseat.... like, five minutes ago, Dad.  Now." 

I thought they loved carseats.  Not so.

No ever one told me...

...I'd have to be a chemist.  We make our own baby formula now, which we feed Campbell, along with fruits and veggies puree'd or chopped into tiny, soft cubes for consumption... but before, in his first few months of life, we used Enfimel, then Gerber's Gentle baby formula.

My bathroom counter for the first five months of my son's life

He had this schedule of waking up around 1am for a bottle... and around 330 or 4am for a bottle... so somehow, The Lovely Steph Leann and I had an unspoken system that just came to be... Campbell cried, I would roll out of bed, stumble into the nursery, pick him up, bring him to the groggy The Lovely Steph Leann, then trundle downstairs to the kitchen to make his bottle... a few scoops of powder, a little bit of water, tighten the cap, shaky shaky shaky, and pour into the bottle.

Then I would stumble back upstairs, hand the bottle off and go back to sleep.  Or stay awake, depending on The Lovely Steph Leann and if she needed me.  Finally, I wised up, and kept the water and powder and ingredients in our upstairs bathroom... so when I handed him off, I could just stumble into the bathroom...

And yet, I found myself at 128am measuring powder and pouring water into narrow bottles, all with sleepy eyes that sometimes let my hands pour powder onto the sink, or water onto the counter... once, I dumped the contents of the newly made formula into a bottle... one without the liner in it, so it went straight through the plastic cylinder and onto the counter and floor with a kersplash. 

I had to be a chemist in the middle of the night.  Really?  Seriously?

No one ever told me...

...that formula was so darn expensive!  Holy crap!   Like, 15 bucks a can, and not even a big can.  And diapers?  FORTY BUCKS FOR 176.... that seems like a lot of diapers, but when Chunk Monkey is filling it up five times per day, that doesn't last as long as you'd like. 

Not just diapers and wipes and bibs, oh my... oh no... nay... we got toys.  And onesies.  And pants.  And shorts.  And shields for the BluRay player.  Which don't work ($14 gone).  And baby gates.  And toy leashes.  And pacifiers.  And paci leashes. And bottles.  And nipples.  Fast nipples.  Slow nipples.  Medium nipples.  And drying mats.  And car seats.  Not one, but three.  One for when he's little.  One for when he's bigger.  One for the in-laws as well.  And the one that was for when he was little now has to be replaced by one since he's bigger.  And strollers.

Is there any need for a stroller to cost $300?  Three.  Hundred.  Bucks.  I was floored.

And don't even get me started on smocked outfits that cost $40 and $50 each, outfits that he will not be able to wear by May.  I don't own a stitch of clothing that cost me anywhere near $50...

No one ever told me...

... that I would so freaking tired.  All.  Of.  The.  Time. 

I don't mean lack of sleep... combined, my hours of sleep are almost normal.  In the years BC--before Campbell--I only slept 4 to 6 hours per night... Combined, in the early days of the kid being in our lives, I'd get that, 4, 5, sometimes 6 hours per night. 

But they were never consecutive.  Sometimes, it would be 3 hours, then wake up, then 2 hours, then wake up.  Sometimes, I'd get 2 hour stretches of sleep 3 seperate times during the night, each interrupted by 20 minutes of baby care. 

In my job, I'm rolling into work around 430 in the morning several days per week.  The Lovely Steph Leann doesn't get much more, as she has to get up many days around 5 or 530, so she can get ready and then deliver Campbell to our caretaker--namely, his Pops and GG. 

So, I'd get to sleep around 10.  I'd wake up at midnight.  Then I'd close my eyes again around 1230.  I'd sleep til 230.  I'd get to sleep around 245, then be awakened around 345.  Then its 4.  And I have to get up.

Campbell Isaiah was born in December 2011.  No joke--I literally did not dream, or at least remember any dream I had, until about April or May.  I could never get enough deep sleep to dream. 

And The Lovely Steph Leann had it worse.  She is used to 7, 8, maybe even 10 hours in the night.  She loves to sleep... well, I do too, but I do like getting stuff done too... and she will sleep anywhere and everywhere she can.  So for her to get cut down to 4 or 6 non-consecutive hours of sleep was pretty much devestating.  Yeah, I was tired... poor her, she was a zombie for 7 straight months.  And still has zombie-like moments, even with Campbell at 15 months old.

And finally...

No one ever told me...

...about night terrors. 

What the what? 

All you people told me about not having a life anymore, and how we'll give up things in our lives, and how we'll have to watch the same TV shows over and over and how we'll have to stop going to the movies and so on and so on and so forth...

But NONE of you people told me about night terrors.

Its 1245 in the morning.  I awake to Campbell screaming his fool head off.  The Lovely Steph Leann turns the lamp on.  Campbell Isaiah is absolutely going bonkers... and yet... no tears.  He is just wailing, but in some weird way, he's not even awake.  He's just looking around, making loud, screaming, crying sounds.  He's not looking at us, and all efforts to console him are completely ineffective...

Of course, we do the parent thing where we wonder if he's hurting, and whether he's hungry, and maybe when he fell off the bottom step and banged his head, you know, two months ago, maybe that is now coming back to hurt him...

So, I Google it.  And I come up with "Night terrors".  The kid begins to cry uncontrollably, but is not fully awake, so therefore won't produce tears many times.  Efforts to calm them down usually increases the problem, so the solution is to let them cry it out.  Or so I read.

The Lovely Steph Leann held him for about 10 minutes, then passed him to me.  I stood by the bed and held him while he squirmed and wiggled and cried and wailed... and in about 15 minutes... he laid his head on my shoulder and went back to sleep, as if nothing ever happened.

She and I looked at each other with a "What the crap was that?" look, shrugged, and went back to bed. 

I would have appreciated one of you, out of the hundreds, nay, thousands of people I know, telling me about this. 

Epic fail on all of you.

And as this kid gets older, I'm pretty sure this list will grow. 

the 2013 oscar blog

(scroll down for updates)

7:25... Here we are... the first blog of February, and its the Academy Awards... I love the Oscars, because I love movies, so once again, I'm excited to be watching it...

...And unlike the Golden Globes, its not a monsoon outside, which means the chances of satellite going out are slim to none. 

Me: The Lovely Steph Leann, what are you wearing?
The Lovely Steph Leann (blank stare)

Five minutes to GO!!!

728... I kinda feel like "Splash", aka "Celebrity Diving", is on the air because there was a bit too much vodka in the planning meeting...

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (is it Joseph-Gordon Levitt?) (l) and Harry Potter (r)
join Seth MacFarlane for a soft shoe dance as part of his opening monologue

730... And we begin.  Seth MacFarlane begins with a shout out to Tommy Lee Jones' grumbling... who ends up chuckling.

731p... Seth tells us that this years theme is celebrating music in film. Something tells me Annie 2 won't be mentioned.

732p... The obligatory "Win an Oscar, disappear from the industry" joke...

734p... Seth is trying, and mostly succeeding... you can tell he's testing his waters, getting a "oooh" from a Chris Brown & Rihanna joke.

735p... SHATNER!!!  SHATNER!!! SHATNER!!!

738p... What the... what is happening?  Boobs? 

739p... I'll admit it... "We Saw Your Boobs".. funny.  Really funny. 

739p... I just typed "We Saw your Boobs" for the first time in the history of this blog.  Ever.

741p... Another first.  "A Denzel Movie with Sock Puppets" (left)

742p... This is the best Oscar show in years. 

744p... Seth looks like a walking Easter Seal symbol... or a gay pope. 

745p... A real "Smokey and the Bandit" reference... in the Oscar monologue.  The first time Oscars and Smokey & the Bandit have ever been used together.

747p... Let's get to some awards!! 

748p... Octavia Spencer won last year for "The Help" for Best Supporting Actress... and she is out to give Best Supporting Actor to either Alan Arkin (Argo)... Bobby DeNiro (Silver Linings Playbook)... Phil Hoffman (The Master)... Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln) and Chris Waltz (Django Unchained)...

My pick?  Tommy Lee Jones. 

Last year I did horribly at the Oscar picks...  this time?  Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained.... wow.  Wow.  He has now TWO Oscars for Tarantino Films.

This is good, though... Tommy Lee Jones didn't win, so he got the smiling out of the way.  No more grins for the rest of the evening.

752p... So... as he walks off, they play the theme from ET:  The Extra Terrestrial.  What the what??

Commercial Break

755p... Paul Rudd!  I love Paul Rudd!!  Even though he was in "My Idiot Brother", which is terrible.  Melissa McCarthy looks like a beluga whale in her grey dress, and her too-much-blush-cheeks.

756p... Paul Rudd looks like he stepped out of a 1977 Scorsese film

757p... Paul and Melissa pick up the Best Animated Short for "Paperman", a delightful little movie... I go 1-1 so far.

759p... The popular choice is "Brave" for Best Animated Film because its Pixar... but I went with Wreck-It-Ralph.  "Brave" wins.

Here's my original review of "Brave"

8p... Reese Witherspoon. 

Wow. 

Wow.

That is all.

801p... Because there are 114 films nominated for Best Picture, they are doing away with the "Famous Actor Introducing One Nominted Film" thing, having Reese present "Les Miserables", "The Life of Pi" and "Beasts of the Southern Wild".

804p... Quavenzene Wallace, nominated for Beasts of the Southern Wild, looks up as Seth MacFarlane gives her a shout out.

Quavenzene:  Why is that white man saying my name?

805p... Hulk, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye and Nick Fury come out to banter and do Cinematography...

806p... SAMUEL L. JACKSON'S JACKET--FOR THE WIN

807p... I chose Life of Pi... and it wins.  Life of Pi will rack up several of these lesser awards tonight, I predict.

809p... I think Lucius Malfoy is giving an Oscar speech

810p... Visual Effects... I again chose Life of Pi... I love being right.

811p... So the "Get Done With Your Speech Music" is... Jaws?!  That's HILL-AIR-EEOUS

Commercial Break

816p... Seth introduces Channin Tatum and Jennifer Aniston, two people so beautiful that somehow, I almost think their kids would be butt-ugly.

817p... And the award for Costume Design goes to Anna Kareninninanninana... when do you stop the last name...?

819p... "Hairstyling" added to the "Makeup" category... and there is only three films nominated... I guess they would either have to add "Hairstyling", or "Les Miserables" would run unopposed...

820p... I wonder how much of Les Mis' win was for the butchering of Anne Hathaway's hair...

821p... Halle Berry out now.  Does it make me a bad person, or gay, if she doesn't appeal to me? 

822p... My buddy Mikey Nipp is peeing himself right about now... Bond Tribute time. 

We are treated to an extended Bond Tribute, full of clips and snips from all 23 James Bond movies.  I'm just not a huge fan.  I mean, I liked a few here and there, but none are considered "favorites" of any kind. 

826p... I think I'm too young to appreciate Shirley Bassey... and probably 1/3 of the crowd is clapping because they don't want to be on camera not clapping. 

Commercial Break

830p... I know Connery is retired, and maybe Daniel Craig is too busy... but Dalton, Lazenby, Moore and probably Brosnan were free, I'm sure.  They couldn't have been recruited for that video montage? 

831p... Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx, stars of Django Unchained, come out, looking almost as beautiful, though not quite, as Channing and Jen earlier.

832p... K-Wash and J-Foxx are here to give us the Best Live Action Short Film winner... I chose Buzkashi Boys, a shot in the dark.  I feel like Oscar ballots should give you a five or six word description about these short films... "Curfew" wins.  Whatever that is.

835p... Winners are now talking fast, in fear of the "Jaws" music..

835p... Best Documentary Short.  The Oscar goes to Inocente... I picked Redemption.  Again, who knows?! 

837p... Seth MacFarlane is back up now, introducing Liam Neeson, the original Darkman. 

837p... Liam has a very special set of skills

838p... "Argo"... "Lincoln"... "Zero Dark Thirty"... the films that Liam is introducing.

FYI.... Here's my review of "Argo"

841p... Seth tells us the other actors who played Lincoln... and said "the actor who really got into Lincoln's head is John Wilkes Booth... too soon?"

842p... Ben Affleck comes out to present the Documentary Feature...

843p... Not gonna lie... I liked Reindeer Games.  Its a big more watchable than Good Will Hunting.

844p... Searching for Sugarman takes the Oscar.

Commercial Break

849p... Jennifer Garner... gorgeous or hideous?  I just cannot tell.  I don't know the answer.  I struggle with it.

849p... Jessica Chastain?  Elegant.  Not gorgeous, but elegant. 

850p... Best Foreign Film.  Not sure how "Amour" can be nominated for Best Picture and NOT win this award.  Aaaaand... I'm right.

852p... Christoph + this guy for Amour = 2 Austrian Oscar Wins! 

852p... Seth tells us about the Oscar Orchestra... who are performing down the street for the show! 

852p... John Travolta comes out... I mean, onstage, not out-out...

853p... Travolta has a harder time saying "Miserables" than I do.  I didn't add the "s" on the end, he added four more syllables. 

855p... Catherine Zeta-Jones, singing a song from "Chicago"... and not sounding nearly as good as she did in "Chicago" 10 years ago...

857p... Zeta-Jones... a member of the "Angelina Jolie Chicks That I'm Supposed to Find Hot But Don't" Club...

858p... Jennifer Hudson is singing "And I Am Telling You That I Am Not Going", from DreamGirls... notably, the song that probably won her the Best Supporting Actress Oscar.  American Idol, anyone?

9p... Holy schmoly crap.  Jennifer Hudson just smacked that song around and said "I'm your mama, now shut up".  That was freakin' awesome.

9p... The Lovely Steph Leann just perked up as Colin Firth Member Hugh Jackman came on stage, singing. 

The Colin Firth Club:  Those that The Lovely Steph Leann would consider leaving me for... see:  Downey Jr, Robert... Whitford, Bradley... Firth, Colin... Bon Jovi, Jon

903p... The cast of Les Mis comes out to sing "One Day More'... including Russell Crowe. 

I imagine this conversation a month ago:

Agent:  Russ, you have to sing again
Russell Crowe:  What?  What do you mean? 
Agent:  In your contract
Russell:  People made fun of me singing!!
Agent:  Its in your contract, Russ
Russell:  #*&&#  (throws phone)

908p... Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana, from Star Trek, and according to Seth, "Future Priceline.com spokespeople" are out... discussing the Tech Awards.

910p... Mark Wahlberg... and Ted, from the movie "Ted"... I haven't seen it.. sheepishly, I want to.

911p... Sound Mixing... I chose The Life of Pi.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Wrong.  Les Mis.  Its the live singing." 

912p... And its Les Mis.  "I told you!  Live singing!  Live singing, baby!"

914p... Two presenters... one is funny and animated and fake... the other is Ted, the teddy bear.  Oh!

915p... Sound Editing... I picked Zero Dark Thirty.  THERE IS A TIE?!?!

916p... Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty pick up the Oscars... a Tie!?!

915p... Like, two Oscars?  A Tie?  Couldn't they do a run-off?  Or a vote tonight, with the audience, with just these two films in the running?

917p... Last tie?  Streisand and Hepburn in 1969 for Best Actress, for (I think) Funny Girl and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, respectively...

(screaming kid... not at The Oscars, but at my house...)

922p... Seth is making some Sound of Music references... but we have a screaming kid.  Kinda killing the joke for me.  Darn you, Campbell Isaiah.

922p... Christopher Plummer comes out to present the award for Best Supporting Actress... he won Best Supporting Actor last year for the family comedy "I'm Old and Gay", or something like that. 

925p... So, they gave out the award for Supporting Actress just now.. but we are 3 minutes behind.  Campbell is just going bonkers. 

925p... Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, is nominated... I love her.  I really do.  She'll win hers one day, a la Kate Winslet.

925p... And the award goes to... Anne Hathaway.  The award should actually go to whoever said "Hey, let's just keep the camera on her for one, long single shot..."

I dreamed a dream that theeeeey... would stop talking about... my haaair...

927p... PRINCESS MIA GOT AN OSCAR!!! SHUT!!! UP!!!

930p... Didn't notice it til just now... must be... well, cold in there. 

The summation of the last few minutes... Campbell Isaiah woke up, screaming... I had to run and get the cookies we were cooking out of the oven... then toss in his dinner... making peas... sweet potatoes... plums... and a bottle of prune juice/water... some older dude is speaking about student films... and... we're about 10 minutes behind.  Sigh.

I love my kid.  But we are only having one.  That's all I can deal with.  Sigh.

944p... Sandra Bullock is onstage... Best Film Editing is the award she's giving out... William Goldenberg for "Argo"...

946p... 13 awards given, I've gotten 7 right.  This night is a disaster.

947p... Jennifer Lawerence is exquisite.  Not sure I have any other words for it...

948p... Adele is singing "Skyfall"... its nominated for Best Original Song... I chose "Pi's Lullaby" as the winner of that category, and this is what I regret the most--I should have gone "Skyfall". 

949p... Adele is 24 years old.  I cannot tell you what a bumbling no-direction hunk o'junk I was at 24.  Or 34.  Or now, actually.

Commercial Break

950p... Nicole Kidman comes out to present the final three Best Picture Nominees... "Silver Linings Playbook"... "Django Unchained"... and "Amour"

953p... Harry Potter and Bella from Twilight are onstage together.   Kristen Stewart looks miserable, all the time.  All.  The.  Time.

955p... Daniel Radcliffe, they are called tweezers.

956p... Seth calls out Salma Hayek... I think her neck has been lengthened by 8 inches due to that dress.  Like, her dress is a volcano, and her face erupted.

959p... I think Salma was honoring those who won special awards.  Then again, she could have been telling me a great recipe for Guadalajara bacon crispers, and I wouldn't know it.

Commercial Break

1001p... And here comes George Clooney. 

1001p... The In Memorium segment... and Campbell quiets down.  He knows how to respect Michael Clark Duncan and Ernest Borgnine.  Re-cah-nize.

1003p... Adam Yauch from The Beastie Boys gets a nod.  As does one half of the Sherman Brothers. 

1004p... Barbra Streisand.  Blech.

1006p... She is honoring the late composer Marvin Hamlisch.  If I were Marvin, I'd be rolling in my grave.  Any a'yall play Barbra at my funeral, and I'm coming back to knock some teeth out.

1007p... This exchange:
Me:  Since we are still a few minutes behind, we can definitely fast forward this
The Lovely Steph Leann (dirty look)

1009p... Seth MacFarlane comes back out, Campbell cries.  Maybe he just doesn't like Family Guy like I hoped he would.

1010p... The cast of "Chicago" comes out--Gere, Latifah, Zeta-Jones and Jewel!

1010p... Renee Zellweger looks like she's perpetually trying to hide pain. 

1011p... And the winner for Best Score is... The Life of Pi...

1012p... I was secretly hoping John Williams would win for "Lincoln" so the Jaws theme could play him off stage.

1013p... Queen Latifah tells us the Best Song category is up now...

1014p... Why didn't someone tell me "Chasing Ice" was about our melting glaciers and how American Republicans are destroying the Earth?   And whats more, why isn't that winning everything?

1017p... So now, the award goes to "Skyfall" from "Skyfall", sung by Adele.  The first Academy Award to go to a Bond film. 

1019p... "Gotta fank the acahdummy..."

Commercial Break (and finally back on live TV!)

1022p... Charlize Theron comes out with Dustin Hoffman...

1022p... This probably happened:

Charlize:  So, cut my hair like Anne's in that Les Mis movie
Stylist:  Before the cut or after?
Charlize:  After

1023p... And its time for the Final Six--Picture, Director, Acting and Writing...

1024p... For Adapted Screenplay... the winner is Argo.  I'm a little shocked that Beasts didnt get it. 

1026p... For Original Screenplay... the winner is Django Unchained.  That's fantastic.  No, seriously... that's awesome. 

1028p... The Oscars are only 2 minutes from ending!  Or supposedly ending.  Looks like it might not end on time.  But it will probably end before next year's start.

Commercial Break

1032p... Seth introduces Hollywood Legends, Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas--who starred together in The China Syndrome... not a bad movie. 

1033p... Best Director Award.  And its...

1034p... ANG LEE for Life of Pi.  What the what?

1034p... They should give him 3.14 minutes to accept the award.

1035p... Campbell is crying again.  He must have known Ang was the same dude who not only directed "Brokeback Mountain", but also "Hulk".

Commercial Break

1040p... Jean Deajunana (sp?) from The Artist is out to give the Best Actress Award... camera cuts to Kristen Stewart, who looks unhappy and unimpressed--meaning, her usual self.

1042p... Great goodness... please don't let Quivenzhannena win this.  Not because I dislike her, but because Beasts of the Southern Wild is NOT A GOOD MOVIE

Whoops

1043p... Jennifer Lawrence wins for "Silver Linings Playbook"!!!  And she trips on the way up...

1044p... Hugh Jackman rushes to help her.  The Lovely Steph Leann:  He's so gallant.  Happy sigh.

1045p... So Katniss can shoot a precise arrow, but can't climb a staircase? 

1045p... Seth just says "Our next presenter needs no introduction", and drops mic and walks off.  That was a great move

1046p... Everyone all together:

Daniel

Day

Lewis

For Lincoln

That was easy.

1046p... During the nomination readings, The Lovely Steph Leann sighed, "Oh... Hugh Jackman was so awesome... so... so awesome..."

1048p... Out of all the "Flight" clips, they show the one from the end?  That's like showing a Bruce Willis clip from "The Sixth Sense" when he realizes he's dead... geez.

1049p... Watch closely.  Meryl Streep doesn't even open the envelope. No joke.

1050p... "Before Lincoln, I was committed to playing Margaret Thatcher... and Meryl was scheduled to play Lincoln..."  The delivery is fantastic.

1051p... Daniel Day-Lewis has reached Spielberg & Streep status... that is, "Don't dare play them offstage..."

1052p... Seth introduces Jack Nicholson to present Best Picture. 

1053p... And Jack sends it up to... Michelle Obama at the White House?  What is the point of...?  What?

1054p... So, Michelle just talks about movies, and then asks Jack to do the nominees?  Seriously?  That was pointless.

1055p... If Les Mis wins this, The Lovely Steph Leann's head might explode with Hugh Jackman glee

1055p... And Michelle Obama opens the envelope, and its.. Argo!

1058p... So three producers--Affleck, Clooney and Some Guy... and since Ben didn't get a directing nomination (for which Ang Lee is thankful), you'd think Some Guy would let him talk... and finally, Some Guy lets Ben talk.

1059p... Argo is a great, great film. 

11p... If directly following Gigli, you knew an Affleck film would win Best Picture, raise your hand... (crickets chirping)

1104p... Kristen Chenoweth and Seth MacFarlane sing us off into the night, nodding to the losers of the evening... and thats our 2013 Academy Awards... thanks for reading!

1105p:  Argo to bed now...

Seth is being brutalized by the press for a terrible Oscar hosting job.. first, I think he did pretty good.  Secondly, I know
even know who would do a good job... even Billy Crystal's return was met with bad reviews.  And, I do love Kristen
Chenoweth, all 4ft 9 inches of her.

the top ten coolest things of 2011

Okay, its finally here... you've been waiting all year for this... well, all last year for this, and here it is, only one solid year later... the Top Ten Coolest Things of 2011...

The 10th Coolest Thing of 2011... Tyler Gets Engaged
Its a little hard to imagine, but my brother in law got engaged in 2011.  Young Tyler Campbell, who I remember meeting at The Deuce back in the day, playing pogs and annoying My Best Mate Wookiee... Young Tyler Campbell, who we watched grow up, first with little hair, then with shaggy hair, and now with short, short hair and a beard... he finally found the one he liked, that being Brynn Bralley, this incredibly small little thing with a big smile and a warm heart.   He asked, she said yes, and it was on.  (expect the wedding to be a part of 2012's list)


The 9th Coolest Thing of 2011... Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2
I reviewed this movie mere moments after I watched it, and here's part of my review:

All in all, this is the best of the Harry Potter series. I think if you have only seen the movies, you will have a few questions and you'll find a few holes... and if you have read the book, you'll be like me, and have questions that start with, "I wonder why they did/didn't..." However, because of the scope and size of the book, I think you will agree that they did the best that could have been done. The screenwriter, Steve Kloves, got it right... absolutely right, and almost perfect.

And as the camera panned away from Harry and Ginny, Ron and Hermione, and the familiar music came on and credit rolled, I had only one thought...

All is well.

You can read the full review by clicking here


The 8th Coolest Thing of 2011... 2nd & Charles
To say I was overwhelmed the first time I walked into this store is a bit of an understatement.  I was blown away.  2nd & Charles is really a used bookstore, but its huge... and not only do they have thousands upon thousands of used books, but also thousands of used CDs... and comic books... and DVDs... and record albums... and videos... and Blu Rays... and hundreds of electronics... and even fun t-shirts... I spent a good two hours the first time, and that was nothing but in the CDs and movies... it was a bit reeeedonkulous, but its worth it.  Their music is bargain priced, the movies are also cheap, and its a great place to hunt up used books.


The 7th Coolest Thing of 2011... "Rolling in the Deep"
The first time I heard this tune, I was driving across Mississippi, headed towards the other side to see The Revr'n Ty Coffey get married... The Lovely Steph Leann in the front seat, Shawn Sharp in the back, and this cool riff and this awesome vocals streaming out of my satellite radio, "There's a fire burning in my heart..."

Much in the same way I was mesmerized by KT Tunstall's "Black Horse in the Cherry Tree" with her multiple layers of vocals, smart instrumentals and great, if not somewhat puzzling metaphors, "Rolling in the Deep" drew me in and never let me go.  Adele rules. 


The 6th Coolest Thing of 2011... The Deucecast
Text from Mikey, circa February 2011:  Hey man, I got an idea
Text response from me, within a minute or so:  Sure, what's up?
Text from Mikey: So, wanna do a podcast with me?
Text response from me:  Dude!?  Seriously!?!
Text from Mikey:  Yeah.  I think it would be awesome
Text response from me:  I had been thinking of doing a podcast on my own anyway... let's do it
Text from Mikey:  I think we should call it The Deuce Podcast.  Or The Deuce Show.  Maybe... Deucecast.

And so it was.  We called those first episodes "Negatives", and we started with The Deucecast -4... and it was rough.  Really rough.  In fact, I don't ever want to hear it again, because I remember how bad we both were.  I talked to fast, Mikey rambled on about Sea Monkey oppression (I'm not kidding) and it was a bad 30 minutes.  But... we got better.  I'd say The Deucecast Episode -1 was pretty presentable.

And we had our big kickoff with The Deucecast Episode I: The Podcast Menace, and kept going, weekly.  Its movies. Its music.  We play random games with stupid names like "Faux or Show"... "The Ryan Phillippe Game"... "Reel or Unreel"... and Mikey's favorite, "Simple Star Wars Trivia".  Matty Rector joined us for about 30 episodes as a co-host, and we've had a number of special guest hosts along the way, including recurring hosts like Doc Earl... Hurricane Rhett... Steph Nipparector and even more.  Check it out... The Deucecast.


The 5th Coolest Thing of 2011... Wrestlemania XXVIII


The 4th Coolest Thing of 2011... Disney in February
Without knowing Campbell was on the way, The Lovely Steph Leann and I still had the mindset that every Disney trip we took could be our last without a kid. To be honest, every trip from mid-2009 thru all of 2010 was like that, but the more time went along, the more we knew "well... if we are going to have kids, then this trip might be it." And this February 2011 trip was, in fact, it.

Our plan was to do the things we wanted to do that we hadn't done, stuff that would be much harder to do with a child in tow... dine with an Imagineer... go see Cirque de Soleil: La Nouba... have dinner at the Hoop de doo Revue... take a Segway tour of Epcot... do the then-brand spankin new Wild Africa Trek at Animal Kingdom... plus a host of other little things we'd missed--Flights of Wonder at Animal Kingdom comes to mind. Now, even after all of this, there is still a huge amount of activities and such we've never done, and maybe will get to at some point.

I won't give you the full recap, because it would take a while, but those things I listed are highlights... of course, I did get a little borderline sick halfway through the trip. We invited our good friends Melanie and her hubs Chris to join us for a few days at the end of the trip, and they flew down Wednesday morning... we did lots of stuff together, they had some coupley time, so did we. We all shared the La Nouba experience, including Chris purchasing drinks for both women--he went for the large $14 daiquiris... The Lovely Steph Leann chose not to guzzle it, lest she be hammered early.

I did deal with the that not-so-fresh feeling, including taking a long sleep on a Thursday night while the others went and did their thing and The Lovely Steph Leann went to Epcot and took pictures of French mimes and chair stacker dancer people. Or something like that.

Anyway, it was a fabulous trip, sickness aside... and it even culminated with...


The 3rd Coolest Thing of 2011... The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Orlando
Let's be clear.  Disney beats Universal every time its tried.  The only reason that a Disney trip is one notch behind Harry Potter is simply because I'd been to Disney alot.. and never to the Harry Potter experience.

One of my favorite pics from that trip... the girls enjoying the Butterbeer

Towards the end of our Febraury 2011 Walt Disney World vacation, we scheduled to spend a day at Islands of Adventure at Universal Studios Orlando, notably to go into The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Again, our friends Melanie and Chris went with us, with Melanie and I being huge Harry Potter fans, The Lovely Steph Leann being a pretty big Harry Potter fan and Chris somewhat indifferent...

And it was a blast... the only hindrance I felt at all was mid-way through trip, I had one of those not-so-fresh feelings... as in, I woke up and didn't feel all that great.  I battled a cold or sickness for several days, dealt with it through La Nouba and an entire day at Epcot... was able to sleep some on Thursday night (some of the best sleep I've ever had) and finally, on Friday, while not fully recovered, was able to enjoy the dreary weather and incredible atmosphere of Hogwarts. 

I could tell you tales all day of our adventure at Universal, but really, it can be summed up in a few words... incredible castle... incredible ride... Ollivander's is brilliant... and butterbeer?  Absolutely awesome.  Heck, that should have been its own number. 


The 2nd Coolest Thing of 2011... Mom
While its true I lost my mom, the woman I grew up calling mom, in September of 2011, I also managed to gain a mom too...

You can find it in the post called "Mom, Mama and Mother's Day", written in May of 2012... here's the link, and I hope you enjoy it.


And...


The Coolest Thing of 2011... This guy:

How cute is this kid?  And the baby too!

What can I say?  The Lovely Steph Leann went in for a check up on November 30th, 2011, and called me from the hospital to tell me she was being admitted to labor and delivery.

You read what happened on Day One, as we began to realize we were about to have a baby... and what happened on Day Two, as we actually HAD a baby...  and then, the journey of how we brought Campbell Isaiah home...

Well, there it is.  All 10 of the top ten, preceded by 90 more of the coolest things about the year 2011... now... let's start a 2012 list, shall we?

turban idol: new york auditions

And here we are.  Its time.  The delay is over, we've put it off as long as we could...

The Lovely Steph Leann just finished watching the better-than-you'd-think 2012 film "21 Jump Street", and as she deleted it off of our DVR, I said, "Well... do we want to watch American Idol Audition 1?  Or just call it a wash?"

"Sigh... well... I guess we can try it..."  And so here we are.

You've already had a chance to read my thoughts on the judges... Randy the Dawg is the ol' staple... then keith urban... Nicki Minaj, who I've shared my opinion on... and then, Mariah Carey.  The diva.  The pre-skank awesomeness, post-skank okayness, Mariah Carey. 

Just now, as Ryan Seacrusty just discussed the judges, I heard Nikki Minaj talk... for the first time.  Ever.  Now, we know that Nikki and Mariah don't get along... its been reported several times that there have been harsh words spoken and egos clashing, so this should be interesting.

Did you know that Nikki Minaj was featured on Mariah Carey's single "All Up Out My Face".  This was in Mariah's ick period, so I can't say I've even heard it.

And New York City is the setting for the first round of auditions, and automatically, Nikki Minaj and Mariah Carey butt heads over a fluffy drum major hat, interrupted by a dude coming in singing a random version of "We Will Rock You", using the judges in the song, before hitting a high octave and then some sort of Rastafarian tune.  And the judges say "No!" 

The Lovely Steph Leann:  What just happened?  I'm confused.  Are we... watching American Idol?
Mariah and Nicki at it again. keith urban just sits there and shakes his head.  I'm Team Mariah, just to be clear.

Tenna Torres, 28, went to Camp Mariah when she was 13, way back in the day.  Tonight, she sings "You've Got a Friend"... Judges love her, Mariah speaks first, Nicki rolls her eyes, keith urban loves it, Randy the Dawg and she goes on through to Hollywood.

Montage of a few voices that went to Hollywood that we'll probably see later and not remember.

Here comes a young Psy type kid, Asian, and is ready to be the next Justin Beiber.  The Lovely Steph Leann says softly, "...oh dear..."

James Bae takes on a Beiber song... wearing oversize headphones around his neck, genuine 3D glass, a terrible necklace, a terrible haircut and a terrible voice.  Which we know this was coming.  Mariah suggests he become a DJ... Nicki asks if he has a girlfriend... keith urban says he doesn't have the whole package... and Randy the Dawg says a big NO. 

Christina, from Boston, tells us her story of losing weight in high school, being inspiring to an obese nation.  Christina's name flashes on the screen, but it says Christina "Isabell", and I don't know which name is actually her.  She has a great voice, though.  Nicki says "OMG!"... keith urban calls her a "natural singah"... Mariah loved it... Randy the Dawg loved it... she goes through!

BACKSTORY ALERT!!! So here comes dancer Evan, who at 19 was diagnosed with cancer... and he lost his right leg to the disease. Boom. And he comes in, metal right leg, guitar in hand... and we hope this kid is good now. Now he takes on "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz... and I'm unclear if I like him or not... then he take the chance to strum some "Wanted Dead or Alive" on guitar--which sounds much better. Mariah, keith urban and Nicki all agree he's awesome, but also agree that Idol isn't for him... and I actually agree with that. Randy the Dawg agrees with me. As he should.
Seacrusty tells us how Idol has tossed up a new twist... people can send in nominations, and one or more of the judges go out to find this person to hear them sing.  This is a brilliant twist...

...even better when NBC's The Voice did this already...

Randy the Dawg shows up, hears her sing, and gives her a number to go straight to the judges.  Jessica Kartalis from Staten Island sings a little bit of a song she wrote... and stumbles a bit on the guitar.  And isn't doing all that great... come on chick, rescue this! 

Nicki tells her to mold herself and come back next year... Mariah says come back next year... Randy the Dawg says come back next year... keith urban loves the guitar and writing music... but still says no.  Sad. 

If I was Jessica, I'd be mad... "You freakin' came and told me to come sing, Randy the Dawg!?  What the crap, yo!  I was minding my own business!"

We get a video clip of how New York--and Idol--is worldwide... Belgium, Mexico, Russia, Sweden and more.. and Shira Gavrielov is from Israel, who had a #1 hit in Israel.. but is here to chase that American dream.  And other than some annunciation problems, she's not that bad.  All four judges shout YES, so she is on her way.

Brooklyn native Frankie Ford is the last contestant of the day... and found out he was adopted at age 8, with his real mom being caught up in substance abuse.  He sings on the subway to collect money on the train... which I'm guessing might be some good jack.   

Nicki Minaj touches her hair alot.

He sings "Sweet Dreams" from the Eurythemics... and blows it.  He starts again, a little slower.  That may have saved him, as it is a 1000 times better.  I hate this song, but at least he's making it sound better.  keith urban loves the voice and tone.  Randy the Dawg believes in him.  Mariah loves his inner glow.  Nicki loves that he's different.  All big YES votes.

keith urban says "Frankie goes to Hollywood!"  (rim shot)

Baby break!
Food break!
Tropical Smoothie break!

Nicki and Mariah go back and forth, keith urban just smiles uncomfortably.
 
Benjamin something or other is wearing an outfit very similar to the Michael Jackson outfit I've worn in the past.  That's all I'm going to say.

Okay, I have to mention he's singing Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love to You" to Mariah, then immediately switches over to Babyface's "Everytime I Close My Eyes" to Nicki... then keeps going.  keith urban literally just climbed under the table.  He seems genuinely crushed when he's told NO all around... they play "End of the Road" as he walks out.

And next up is Roxanna Shindelman, singing "To Know Him" from the 60s... and its not too bad.  Well... its not too good either.  She hits high notes, and blows it completely.  The song was supposed to show her range and Nicki squashes a second song.  Its a No. 

And the obiligatory bad voice montage, including one guy who just ripped one on camera, causing The Lovely Steph Leann to choke on her ham & swiss flatbread from Tropical Smoothie.   And the ending shot is some chick cursing in front of the camera in anger, as per usual
 
Another chick named Sarah blows the judges away with a Carrie Underwood song... then Randy the Dawg asks for another song, and she does "Super Bass".

The Lovely Steph Leann:  What is Super Bass?
Me:  I think its a Nicki Minaj song...?  Maybe?

Which now has thrown Randy the Dawg and keith urban into turmoil, because they hear country and rap from the same artist and throw the whole "I dont know who you are..." card down.  However, keith urban gives a Yes... Mariah says Yes... Nicki says Yes... and Randy the Dawg tops it off with Yes.

I refuse to listen to Super Bass, because I'm afraid I might like it..

Albert Chang, 25, from Queens NY... he works as a medical clinic receptionist... and he's subtitled because we can barely understand him.  He tells Seacrusty that he is excited about the new judges, then tells the camera he has no idea who the judge are. 

His attempt on "Phantom of the Opera" lacks... well, tune.  And then hits hilarious tones... The Lovely Steph Leann grimaces and almost chokes on her Harvest Cheddar Sun Chip.  Whew.

For some reason... Nicki Minaj speaks with a British accent for the next few contestants.  Like, what the what?

Now, here is a chick with 40% hearing loss... Angela Miller from Massachusetts is singing a song that I don't know what it is... "Mama Knows Best"?  I like it.  Seems like Idol does too, as they allow her to sing for a while. 

Nicki loves her tone... keith urban likes that she moved... Mariah likes her tone... Randy the Dawg loved her much.  Yes for Angela!
 
Food break for Campbell! 
Feed Campbell!
Run to Fresh Market for Organic Peaches for Campbell!

And we're back... and we have a "dream sequence" with some dude named Brett Holt, who has one of the most amazing voices in history... in his dreams.  He's auditioned 7 times, and he's singing "When I Fall in Love"... and I feel like if he could just sing the word "When" over and over, he'd be alright... but when he got past that first word, it collapsed immediately.  Bad.  Just bad.

And our first ever contestant with a turban... and he matches his turban with his clothes.  Can you do that with Islam? Or Muslim?  Or whatever he is?  Gurpreet Singh Sarin is singing Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning"... and I didn't expect this.  He's like... like... good.

Nicki is telling him no.  But, keith urban says his voice is a little too light.  Mariah thinks its pretty, and says Yes.  Randy the Dawg says Yes.  keith urban struggles with an answer, but says no.  Nicki now tries to decide this kid's fate... part of me doesn't want him to go through, just so I don't have to type Gurprett Singh Sarin over and over... but she says Yes, and off he goes.

And now, two days of contestants and singing and wailing, Ashlee Feliciano is the final contestant...

BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  She comes from a family that sponsors a ton of medically challenged foster kids.  She's got a few biological siblings, several adopted siblings and a bunch of foster kids in the home.  And I tip my hat to the whole family... that is a spiritual gift from God himself.

Naturally, she does an old standard, Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On"... and kills it.  You kinda knew she would.  And she gets four YES votes, well deserved.  Love it.

So that's Audition #1 in the books... we still have Audition #2 to look at, with this week's episodes yet to air.  With a 14 month old, plus a Disney trip 2 weeks away, Clouds in my Coffee's next Idol review is never promised!  So stay tuned!

mariah: pre-skank vs. post-skank

2006:
Me: American Idol is coming on!
The Lovely Steph Leann:  I know!

2008:
American Idol is coming on!
The Lovely Steph Leann:  I know!

2010: 
American Idol is coming on!
The Lovely Steph Leann: I know!

2013:
Me: Are we going to watch American Idol this year?
The Lovely Steph Leann:  I dunno.  I guess we can see.

And here we are again.  We actually had an open discussion on the benefits of watching American Idol... that took up a few minutes we'll never get back.  However, we have decided that we will watch it... for a few weeks.

The commitment level is low.  Not only is the flesh weak, but the spirit is totally unwilling... because of two words:  Nicki.  Minaj.

There are two things I'm proud of in my life right now... well, a number of things, but specifically, I have never heard a One Direction song... nor have I ever heard a Nicki Minaj song.  I don't know what she sounds like, and frankly, I don't even know what her voice sounds like.  And I'm okay with that...

Gone are the past two years of feathers and tight dresses and the like... Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler has left, now that he has used American Idol to benefit his career and re-invent himself... Jennifer Lopez has also left the building, doing much of the same.  Together, they had two pretty good seasons, giving us both Scotty McCreery and Phillip Phillips (which is a far better result than Lee DeWyze and whoever it was that beat Crystal Bowersox).  Now, they are gone.

Who is here now?  The aforementioned Minaj... Keith Urban, though he oddly enough likes to say "keith urban", not Keith Urban.  Somehow, I can dig that.  Anyway, keith is a country artist, with songs like "Sweet Thing" and "You'll Think of Me" and "Making Memories of Us"... I like keith urban... also known as Mr. Nicole Kidman.

And of course, Mariah Carey.  Now, this is Post-Skank Mariah, let's not forget that, but this is Mariah nonetheless. 

Picture this walk down memory lane, if you will indulge me.  Band bus.  1990.  Fall.  On the way to Georgiana, where Samson High is going to play G.W. Long High in football.  I'm sitting with Tonya Windham, in front of me in the seat is Chris McCall and Regina Lassiter, who are turned around talking to us, and over our shoulders are a few other bandy people... we are discussing music, as high schoolers are want to do...

This is how I like my Mariah. Simple.  Pre-Skank.  Frizzy headed.

Tonya asks, "Have y'all heard that new Vision of Love song?  By that Mary girl... whats her name?"  Chris says he hadn't heard it, Regina grins and says she has.  I know the song.  I really like the song.  I actually had already bought the cassette tape.

Regina says, "Who sings that song?  d$, you know who sings everything!"

I simply reply two words... "Mariah Carey." 

I was in love with Mariah back in the day... 1990, 91 or so... I had the poster of Mariah in her "Emotions" pose.  She was a goddess... she was glorious... she was wonderful... "Vision of Love"... "Someday"... "Emotions"... even her tepid remake of "I'll Be There" (which also featured Trey Lorenz, who's one hit "Someone to Hold" was a favorite of mine back in the day) was good enough to keep me around... she got a little sexy going on a few years later, with "Always Be My Baby" and "Fantasy" and possibly my favorite Mariah song, "Dream Lover".  So, so good.

And then, 1997... "Honey".  A decent jam, to be fair... but this is where the turn was made.  Suddenly, she wasn't the cute, hot looking starlet with the big voice... somehow, she got a little bigger up top, she got a little weird, and she decided that she was not white, but black.  She's actually somewhere in the middle, but you didn't know that.  From the "Butterfly" album, it was the album that she decided "I'm a bad girl now" The video for "Honey" has her surrounded by black dudes while she romances a white guy. 

Finally, her Skankdom took over when she released "Rainbow" in 1999...  Pre-Skank Mariah, fabulous.  Post-Skank Mariah, eesh.  Yikes.  "Glitter", both the movie and the album came in 2001, "Charmbracelet" in 2002... everything had samples, everything had rappers behind it, tracks would come with "ft Da Brat & Ludacris" and "ft Jay-Z" and then Cam'ron and Fat Joe and Snoop Dogg and... who cares.

She had her breakdown in 2003 or 2004, went a little nuts, and "rebounded" with her acclaimed album "The Emancipation of Mimi" in 2005... but by then, I just didn't care.  Apparently there is one called "Triumphant" and another album called "Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel"... but I just found that out when I looked on iTunes. Had no clue.

I checked out on Mariah in 1999 with "Rainbow"... I ended up getting "Glitter", "Charmbracelet" and "Emancipation" just because that's what big fans do.  But while I cherish my Pre-Skank Mariah memories, I have no use for Post-Skank Mariah...

And now, she's on Idol.  American Idol.  What do I do?

I'm almost afraid to watch it... I'm almost afraid I will become a Post-Skank Mariah fan.  I don't want to.  I don't want to at all.  But what if I do?  I just don't know.

Nicki Minaj?  Not worried about being a fan at all. 

I just checked... I have 138 Mariah Carey songs and/or videos in my collection on iTunes.  I have 17 keith urban tunes.  Nicki Minaj?  Zero.  For a reason.