perhaps its bad form to point out the flaws, but you lose the strengths of doing anything only sparingly, and writing is no different. Grammatically incorrect and structurally derp, please forgive the way its presented and just take the message...
Today is an important day in the life of one d$. It was on this day in 1998 that I moved to Birmingham, Alabama. I knew no one, I had no church, I didn't know my way around... but I chose B'Ham.
Why, you ask? Well, my original intent was Mobile, a city that I still think is cool. My other options were Atlanta and Nashville, because I'm more of a city guy... or was when I was 23 anyway. But job offers had not come from Mobile, but I did get one job offer from Birmingham, at a little place called Designers International.
Now, if I could go back, there are a number of things I would tell 23 year old d$ to consider before shaking Rob Zuckert's hand and agreeing to work for this company.
First, what will I be doing? The answer ended up being going door to door, store to store, parking lot to parking lot, selling knock off perfume out of a box.
Next, ask what my starting salary would be... The perfume was $22 a bottle, so anything price I got beyond the $22 was mine to keep. My first week in Birmingham, I made $7. I wish I were kidding...
Finally, ask where the door was so I could leave... this was a disaster, but that's another post.
No, the main reason I moved to Birmingham was for a girl named Amy Wible, because I thought we'd go out. When the girl you dig says "Move here and we can see each other!", you move. Or I did. As it turns out, we actually didn't see each other for another 2 years, but that is also another story.
But, this day in history... my friends Allysong, Shelby, Eddie, Troy Mac, Claire and a few others helped me load my stuff into my car and into another, and we drove to Birmingham together to unload it into my new, $435 per month loft at Carousel Apartments on Lorna Road. My friends were so cool, in fact, that we drove back to Troy, loaded up the rest of it and came back... the guys spent the night with me, the girls with Allysong (who was from Alabaster, a Birmingham suburb), and early the next day, they drove back to Troy, Alabama. Without me. I was on my own.
My dream, besides working at Designer International, was to catch on a radio station and maybe be behind the mic... after all, I did it for 3 years in college, so this can't be hard, right? Or maybe work at a TV station, first in production and then perhaps, who knows, in front of the camera?
It's been 18 years since my dreams of my two years in Birmingham would surely spill into a great job in Nashville, TN, or maybe over in Atlanta, maybe with Amy, maybe not. Or maybe I'd just move to New York City for a year or so... but first, let me spend two years here, get settled, pay off some debt and then pack up and move on.
But a funny thing happened on the way to 2016.
I met a guy named Michael and ended up moving to Pinebrook Apartments with he and Shawn and Big Tom Johnson. Then we moved to Briarberry Circle and founded The Deuce.
I joined Valleydale Baptist Church, now known as Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship), my first -- and only -- church membership. I'm still there, despite all the changes.
I met Stephanie Campbell in our college & career group at church, and thought she was the cutest thing ever.
I got a job as a temp at Parisian Corporate, which turned into a full time sales assistant job.
I worked at a radio station as a sales assistant, and realized I didn't want to do radio as a career.
I worked at the local NBC station, again as a sales assistant, and realized it was the worst job I'd ever had.
I worked at a movie theater and learned that many high school students are lazy. But many work hard.
I reconnected with Amy and realized she wasn't the one for me (and she knew I wasn't the one for her)
I worked at Starbucks because I decided I would pay off my debts and save up for a ring because I really, really liked that cute girl named Stephanie Campbell.
I worked at The Disney Store and it confirmed my love of all things Disney. And I realized that yes, you can have a complete broken heart when the job ends.
I worked at Starbucks again and realized, maybe years too late, it wasn't my life's goal.
I worked at Alabama Power, to help clear my head of Starbucks.
And then I became a full time travel planner.
I've been a ticket tearer, a perfume pimper, a make-salespeople-look-good'er, a barista, a shift supervisor, an assistant manager, a manager, a barista, a shift supervisor, an assistant manager, a shift supervisor, a Cast Member, an engineering contractor (!) and finally, a travel planner.
'
I helped start a podcast with some of my best friends, my Deucemates... I've been close to my Sunday Scho... er, Life Connec... uh, Life Gro... that group on Sunday mornings for over 10 years now... I've reconnected with my BFF Best Mate Wookiee after a few years apart... I've reconnected with my worst first date ever, Ginny Kochan... I've become friends with reality stars like Brooke from The Bachelor, now on NBC, and been put into the Million Dollar Hold by WWE Hall of Famer Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase... I joined the cult of Jon Acuff, and three years later, I can say names like "Clay Shaver" and "Rick TOOOOLIE" and "Debra Henessy" and "Liz Clark" as some of my favorite people on the planet, people that help push me to what I'm doing now...
In 18 years, I've written 1000+ blog posts... traveled the East Coast... watched 1000s of movies... read 100s of books... been to Disney World countless times, and even did the "four parks in one day" thing twice (while doing the water parks too, for a 6 parks in one day trip) and accomplished 50 attractions in 24 hours...
In 18 years, I got married to the cutest thing ever, The Lovely Steph Leann... we had Campbell Isaiah, who is the most amazing kid I know... lost both of the people who raised me, but gained a mom who'd let me go 36 years ago... we paid off debt, we bought a house, we bought a brand new car...
And if I had moved to Mobile... I would have never had The Deuce... I would have never found Valleydale, and thusly never met The Lovely Steph Leann... I might've never met Clay Shaver or Liz Clark... Wookiee may have never come to see me in Mobile, so we would have been another case of "best buds in college, but lost touch over the years"... my life would be different.
Maybe worse, maybe just a lateral move in quality (I mean, who's to say that I wouldn't be talking about my life in Mobile, wondering what life would have been like had I moved to Birmingham instead?) but...
but... I like it like this. For what was supposed to be a two year stop in Birmingham before moving to bigger and better... I somehow found my bigger and better right here.
Two years becomes 18, and 18 will likely become 25 and beyond.
Here's to the next 18.
Showing posts with label Troy Mac. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Troy Mac. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
a sacred delight (a bronx tale)
When I was at the end of my college experience, in the spring of 1998, I took my first mission trip to New York City. I had done missions work here and there, usually a week at a time, before, but this was NYC... I'd never been, and I couldn't turn down the chance to go. Problem was, this trip happened to come before, during, and after the Winter Quarter Graduation Ceremony at Troy State University. Mind you, this was when Troy State was Troy State, and it was in quarters, not semesters--semesters came the following fall.
The problem really wasn't a problem, because I had missed the deadline for renting my cap and gown for graduation anyway. I mean, it was like, $50. I couldn't come up with $50 on the fly... now, if you ask me how I afforded a trip to NYC, I can tell you... I have no clue. I'm trying to think back, and I really have no idea how I paid for that trip, or had the money to spend while on it. Who knows. Then again, with my credit card history, I might have just paid that trip off a few years ago.
Anyway, to finish that part of the story, on the Friday of trip, I glanced down at my watch, noticing it was after 2pm. I was walking down 7th Avenue, and turned to my friends Melanie Jackson, Allyson Guy and Troy McConnell and said, "Hey, I just graduated college..." My fellow graduate Dixon Brock told me some time later that they did say my name aloud. I never even saw a program with my name on it. Such is.
Well, while in New York City, one of the plans we had for the ministry we worked with was to plan a neighborhood coffeehouse in the Bronx, and we had music, and skits and snacks and coffee and so on...
And so I did. That night, in the Bronx, I gave my first--and last--public singing performance. I had to start the second verse over at one point, as I lost my place. Troy on guitar was as patient as ever. I made it through it, as off key as I ever was... and felt proud of it. Not sure anyone else got anything out of it, especially the Puerto Rican family in the front row... they didn't know Sunday Drive from Reese Witherspoon, but for me, it was courage. And humbling before God.
The problem really wasn't a problem, because I had missed the deadline for renting my cap and gown for graduation anyway. I mean, it was like, $50. I couldn't come up with $50 on the fly... now, if you ask me how I afforded a trip to NYC, I can tell you... I have no clue. I'm trying to think back, and I really have no idea how I paid for that trip, or had the money to spend while on it. Who knows. Then again, with my credit card history, I might have just paid that trip off a few years ago.
Anyway, to finish that part of the story, on the Friday of trip, I glanced down at my watch, noticing it was after 2pm. I was walking down 7th Avenue, and turned to my friends Melanie Jackson, Allyson Guy and Troy McConnell and said, "Hey, I just graduated college..." My fellow graduate Dixon Brock told me some time later that they did say my name aloud. I never even saw a program with my name on it. Such is.
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| Sunday Drive "Doors Wide Open' A pretty good CD, and only $2.99 on Amazon |
SIDEBAR!!! I worked at a local radio station in Troy, and produced my own Christian music show on Sunday nights, called Sunday Night Power--every Sunday, 7p to 11p, and with contacts from various record labels and promotions, I got all kinds of CDs and backstage passes and interviews and so on... and ended up meeting this band named Sunday Drive. They were your typical Christian music band of the late 90s... a few dudes, drums, guitars, some fast stuff, some slow stuff, and a few albums that were forgotten within a few years. And frankly, their music, while good, was mostly forgettable.
However comma there was one song that I singled in on, namely "Sacred Delight".
"Did you smile when you made the moon, and gave the sky its color? Did Creation dance in rhythm to Your song of life, I wonder? Did the angels know You knew my name before I existed? Did you tell them out of all You made, why You gave me Your image? Is it true, I'm Your heartbeat? And You love me more than anything...?"
I loved that song. Love that song.
And in the weeks leading up to the mission trip, I felt it important to make one request... "Can I... can I sing 'Sacred Delight'?" Now, its important to note I am not a singer. I sing. I wail. I warble. I can't remember half of a sermon two hours after its over, but I can nail every word to Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" or "Jump" by KrisKross or "3am" by Matchbox 20 or even most Whitney Houston songs (pre-crack, of course)... but a singer I am not. The Lovely Steph Leann can attest.
Back then, it was just as true.
My buddy Troy McConnell didn't care. He said, "Dude. I love it. Let's do it." We practiced, and I know he gave of himself alot in listening to me warble and such. In my defense, it was in my key, and overall, it wasn't too terribly bad... but still, he encouraged me.
The trip comes. We are in New York City, spending our days in the community of Brooklyn and the Bronx, our nights in a little community church. And its cold... there is snow, not Alabama snow, mind you, but real snow. For me, it was the first real snow I'd ever seen. It was like powder, and when you threw it at someone, it disintegrated into a spray of fine flakes, leaving very little moisture on your clothes--unlike snow in Alabama... throw a snowball here and you are likely to give someone a concussion with a good head shot.
So, the day of, it was cold and rainy. It was snowy outside, and I woke up with a head full of allergies and congestion. I could barely breath, my nose was so clogged. I thought of cancelling my little tune, but just wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do. This wasn't even about other people worshipping, this was about me telling God that I will praise Him no matter what. In a little empty church sanctuary in Brooklyn, I sat listening to both Troy and our friend Claire Baldwin simply tell me, "You do what you feel you should. But if you feel the urge to praise Him, then you do it. Who cares what anyone else says? You are performing for an audience of One. Its His worship."
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| Troy and I, in mid-song. Well, Troy in mid-song, me in mid-song-butcher. |
And so I did. That night, in the Bronx, I gave my first--and last--public singing performance. I had to start the second verse over at one point, as I lost my place. Troy on guitar was as patient as ever. I made it through it, as off key as I ever was... and felt proud of it. Not sure anyone else got anything out of it, especially the Puerto Rican family in the front row... they didn't know Sunday Drive from Reese Witherspoon, but for me, it was courage. And humbling before God.
What sacred delight. What infinite wonder, that I'm precious in Your sight. You love me like no other, not other. Sacred delight.
So, this coming Sunday, I'll sit down with my notes, my Sword, my lesson book and we'll discuss the proper ways of taking on Hell with a water pistol. I'm sure I'll "uh" and "um" and "...you know..." and "...so..." alot. Count on it.
But, if like that night in the Bronx, if can get my fat head and large ego out of the way, God just might say something important. Something delightful. Something sacred.
Did you think of me the day you died, and know that I'd intend this... did you know one day I'd come to you, in search of your forgiveness... is it true, I'm your heartbeat... and you choice to die than to live without me...
Word.
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| Of course, it wasn't all serious... in one of many skits, Kendrick and I do something a little more comical--a two person, five character skit called something like "No No Not Today" |
Sunday, May 20, 2012
graduation day
This was written back on Saturday, May 6th, as I sat in the audience, via iPhone's Blogging app. It is until just now that I got around to posting it, in between all the other posts that were more timely... so, enjoy.
So... My first college graduation. The time is 1242p, and I'm sitting in the middle of the Coleman Coliseum, planted right on the campus of The University of Alabama.
My brother in law, the Super Cool Tyler, is getting his degree today in Mechanical Engineering, meaning he is smarter than I and he makes more in his internship than I do in real life.
When I say it's my first college graduation, I mean that--I graduated from Troy State U (go Trojans!) in the spring of 1998... However, to walk, you had to pay like, $50 to rent your cap and gown and such, and honestly, I didn't have 50 bucks for anything, and I missed the deadline for ordering... Were I to walk, I wouldn't have anything scholarly to wear. There was a mission trip to New York City with our BCM that March--right during Troy's graduation... So I saved up some money, and in mid-March, on that Friday, instead of shaking hands with Chancellor Hawkins and getting my diploma, I was instead strolling down 8th Avenue in Manhattan, headed towards FAO Scwartz with Allysong Guy, Claire Baldwin and Troy McConnell.
So, here I am. And the whole family is here too... There is Big Daddy Ron... Mama Ruthless... Aunt Becky... coming soon is Angie, the sis-in-law, Randy the bro-in-law, and the kids, Madeleine and Benjamin. Sitting with us as week is Tyler's fiancee, Brynn... And lest we forget, The Lovely Steph Leann. Who is holding our five month old.
Our five month old. In a crowded, loud arena. For three hours. What. Could. Possibly. Go. Wrong?
107p... We find out, as Campbell has decided he has hungry a little ahead of schedule.
113p... As the graduates make their way into the arena, Angie and Company have arrived to join us. The gang is all here.
114p... We are currently playing a little game called "Find the Tyler"
117p... One of my favorite things at graduations--high school up until today--is to hear the "Name Reader" butcher the simple and not so simple names. And with names like "Mohammed abdulrhim al Ibrahim" (pg 49) and "Meisam Salahshoor-Pirsoltan" (pg 24) it might've been a fruitful afternoon... However, I've been informed by Trey Cartledge, sitting in front of us, that Eugene Proffit, the "Name Reader", is a god among insects when it comes to such things... He apparently doesn't miss names. We shall see.
129p... Camille Sonnier, at least according to the jumbotron, sings the national anthem... U-S-A! U-S-A!!!
132p... Surprisingly, an invocation. Albeit one to "the Creator", but still...
138p... The Doctorates are first. Some chick named Wookjung Chang is up. Her family? The Woojung Clan.
144p... After pronouncing Cui Cui, this exchange:
Brynn: this guy is a baller
The Lovelt Steph Leann: he has been doing this a long time
146p... Just had a Michael Scott AND a Miaomiao Pang.--pronounced "Meow Meow". Just saying.
147p... Elizabeth Luzer. What a rough name to overcome. Im not a Luzer, I'm a Winher!!
149p... Candidate for Cinemax name of the day... Willie B Breedlove.
151p... Campbell shows his support by pooping. The Lovely Steph Leann will be right back.
156p... The Business Degrees are up. And if Danielle Marie Drago doesn't name her son Ivan, then there is no justice. I'm also expecting big things from anyone named William Augustus Burgstiner IV. Just saying.
207p... So far, Procter is like a pimp on these names... But, I'm wondering, is it possible that he is getting a ton of these names wrong, but says them with such conviction, no one questions him?Maybe the graduates are told "okay, he might goof up your name, but go with it."
208p... If I were William T. French, I would have totally gone by "Will T. Freedom" back in the early part of the 2000s.
211p... If your last name is Gooch, and your a guy, cool. If you are a chick, you are looking to marry out of that name as soon as possible. And surely John Nicholas Grabowski's nickname is The Big Grabowski. Right? Right?
217p... If Lisa Yoko Lawless is dating the guitarist, you know the other bandmates are nervous.
220p... The name Brooke Elise Pancake just came up. I have about 3,877 breakfast jokes right here--by the time I decide on one, the moment is gone. Sad.
227p... Peter Joseph Scatamacchia? "yea, I need a tall latte, and venti mocha frap and a grande Scatamacchia... With an extra shot, please.". Love it.
229p... Jenna Nicole Stiffler probably thought she had a name that was fine, forgettable and unremarkable. And then those American Pie movies came out. And her poor mom.
234p... We enter Hour 2 of this name fest and it's time for the Engineering... Which means Tyler is up.
242... Look! There's Tyler in line!
(cue record screech sound)
We are sorry to interrupt this blog, but further jokes about names and random comments about graduation proceedings are now impossible, due to the fact the 5 month old in our group has decided he'd had enough and had begun to cry... Meaning Daddy--yours truly--now has him in the lobby, walking around, patting him on the bum and whispering comforting things to him.
I actually think I heard the family yell for Tyler as I was exiting the row... I said "excuse me" to the lady at the end of the row as she had to stand to let me by and added, "this little guy has had enough".
She smiled with a smirk and said, "yes he has.". I took Campbell out.
259p... And it's over, the grads are filing out. A few pics, a hot walk to a distant parking lot and 20 minutes later, we are now all at The Cypress Inn Cafe, awaiting a seat.
So, I guess that's it. There is your Alabama graduation... Oh, I guess since I'm in Tuscaloosa, home of the 63 time national champs (according to them) and the 6 time national champ (according to logic), I guess I should end this with those two famous words...
Go Gators.
So... My first college graduation. The time is 1242p, and I'm sitting in the middle of the Coleman Coliseum, planted right on the campus of The University of Alabama.
My brother in law, the Super Cool Tyler, is getting his degree today in Mechanical Engineering, meaning he is smarter than I and he makes more in his internship than I do in real life.
When I say it's my first college graduation, I mean that--I graduated from Troy State U (go Trojans!) in the spring of 1998... However, to walk, you had to pay like, $50 to rent your cap and gown and such, and honestly, I didn't have 50 bucks for anything, and I missed the deadline for ordering... Were I to walk, I wouldn't have anything scholarly to wear. There was a mission trip to New York City with our BCM that March--right during Troy's graduation... So I saved up some money, and in mid-March, on that Friday, instead of shaking hands with Chancellor Hawkins and getting my diploma, I was instead strolling down 8th Avenue in Manhattan, headed towards FAO Scwartz with Allysong Guy, Claire Baldwin and Troy McConnell.
So, here I am. And the whole family is here too... There is Big Daddy Ron... Mama Ruthless... Aunt Becky... coming soon is Angie, the sis-in-law, Randy the bro-in-law, and the kids, Madeleine and Benjamin. Sitting with us as week is Tyler's fiancee, Brynn... And lest we forget, The Lovely Steph Leann. Who is holding our five month old.
 |
| The graduates file in, one by one, ready to end their dreamy college experience and begin the strange new adventure known as "The Real World" |
107p... We find out, as Campbell has decided he has hungry a little ahead of schedule.
113p... As the graduates make their way into the arena, Angie and Company have arrived to join us. The gang is all here.
114p... We are currently playing a little game called "Find the Tyler"
117p... One of my favorite things at graduations--high school up until today--is to hear the "Name Reader" butcher the simple and not so simple names. And with names like "Mohammed abdulrhim al Ibrahim" (pg 49) and "Meisam Salahshoor-Pirsoltan" (pg 24) it might've been a fruitful afternoon... However, I've been informed by Trey Cartledge, sitting in front of us, that Eugene Proffit, the "Name Reader", is a god among insects when it comes to such things... He apparently doesn't miss names. We shall see.
129p... Camille Sonnier, at least according to the jumbotron, sings the national anthem... U-S-A! U-S-A!!!
132p... Surprisingly, an invocation. Albeit one to "the Creator", but still...
138p... The Doctorates are first. Some chick named Wookjung Chang is up. Her family? The Woojung Clan.
144p... After pronouncing Cui Cui, this exchange:
Brynn: this guy is a baller
The Lovelt Steph Leann: he has been doing this a long time
146p... Just had a Michael Scott AND a Miaomiao Pang.--pronounced "Meow Meow". Just saying.
147p... Elizabeth Luzer. What a rough name to overcome. Im not a Luzer, I'm a Winher!!
149p... Candidate for Cinemax name of the day... Willie B Breedlove.
151p... Campbell shows his support by pooping. The Lovely Steph Leann will be right back.
156p... The Business Degrees are up. And if Danielle Marie Drago doesn't name her son Ivan, then there is no justice. I'm also expecting big things from anyone named William Augustus Burgstiner IV. Just saying.
207p... So far, Procter is like a pimp on these names... But, I'm wondering, is it possible that he is getting a ton of these names wrong, but says them with such conviction, no one questions him?Maybe the graduates are told "okay, he might goof up your name, but go with it."
208p... If I were William T. French, I would have totally gone by "Will T. Freedom" back in the early part of the 2000s.
211p... If your last name is Gooch, and your a guy, cool. If you are a chick, you are looking to marry out of that name as soon as possible. And surely John Nicholas Grabowski's nickname is The Big Grabowski. Right? Right?
217p... If Lisa Yoko Lawless is dating the guitarist, you know the other bandmates are nervous.
220p... The name Brooke Elise Pancake just came up. I have about 3,877 breakfast jokes right here--by the time I decide on one, the moment is gone. Sad.
227p... Peter Joseph Scatamacchia? "yea, I need a tall latte, and venti mocha frap and a grande Scatamacchia... With an extra shot, please.". Love it.
229p... Jenna Nicole Stiffler probably thought she had a name that was fine, forgettable and unremarkable. And then those American Pie movies came out. And her poor mom.
234p... We enter Hour 2 of this name fest and it's time for the Engineering... Which means Tyler is up.
 |
| Mommy and Campbell, before he decided he liked it better outside, where the attention was all on him. |
(cue record screech sound)
We are sorry to interrupt this blog, but further jokes about names and random comments about graduation proceedings are now impossible, due to the fact the 5 month old in our group has decided he'd had enough and had begun to cry... Meaning Daddy--yours truly--now has him in the lobby, walking around, patting him on the bum and whispering comforting things to him.
I actually think I heard the family yell for Tyler as I was exiting the row... I said "excuse me" to the lady at the end of the row as she had to stand to let me by and added, "this little guy has had enough".
She smiled with a smirk and said, "yes he has.". I took Campbell out.
259p... And it's over, the grads are filing out. A few pics, a hot walk to a distant parking lot and 20 minutes later, we are now all at The Cypress Inn Cafe, awaiting a seat.
So, I guess that's it. There is your Alabama graduation... Oh, I guess since I'm in Tuscaloosa, home of the 63 time national champs (according to them) and the 6 time national champ (according to logic), I guess I should end this with those two famous words...
Go Gators.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Those Pesky Jennifer Knapp Rumors Are True
I believe this to be true. Marriage is between a man and a woman. I also believe that homosexuality is wrong. I believe it is a sin, and in God's eyes, not any more or any less of a sin than, say, stealing a magazine from a bookshop or assaulting someone. Its wrong. I believe this not from my own convictions, but because I believe what the Bible says is true to be true, to be fact. Does this mean I don't like gay people? Not at all. I know people who are gay who are jerks. I know people who are gay who are awesome. On that same token, I know straight jerks and I know straight awesome people. The person has less to do with it than does the lifestyle led.
Anyone who just read the above statement and thinks I am a narrowminded, homophobic conservative that is ignorant for not wanting two people to love each other, that's fine. But you won't want to read the next thing I have to say. In fact, just go to another website. Come back later, when I've got Idol coverage.
I had heard rumors that Jennifer Knapp was gay. And in an interview, she confirms what I already believed to be true. And it saddens me to no end, it just about breaks my heart.
There are just a handful of CDs that define my spiritual walk... those include "Jesus Freak" by dcTalk, "Jars of Clay" by Jars of Clay, "All Things New" by Watermark, "This Mystery" by Nichole Nordeman, "The Road to One Day" by Passion... and "Kansas" by Jennifer Knapp. These CDs, and the songs that make them up, are an intrigal part of who I am in Christ, just as much as people like Shelby, Jenn Mullturp, Troy Mac, Allysong, Chrissy B, The Hall, Rev'rn Ty Coffey... the songs on those CDs tell you where I've been, where I am and where I'm going.
The line "...there are ghosts from my past who own more of my soul than I thought I had given away, they linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed..." from "Martyrs and Theives" is one of the most piercing, cutting, soul-baring lines of any song ever to me. It just cuts right to the marrow of who d$ is in Christ.
And... my beloved, loved Jennifer Knapp... is a lesbian. Does this mean I respect her any less? Certainly not. I have great respect for who she is, and what she's done. Does this mean I love her any less? No. I still consider her a sister in Christ, and though I've only met her once--and believe me, she wouldn't be able to pick me out of a lineup on Lorna Road (though I'm the only one with no landscaping dust on my flannel shirt)--I still fully expect to see her when we go Home. Do I like her music any less? That... that is the question, isn't it?
I mean, who am I to even try to judge Knapp for the lifestyle she's chosen? Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, is knocked up without a husband, or Fergie or OutKast, two artists I'm a fan of, live the lifestyles they live... of course, Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, doesn't profess the name of Christ, and neither Fergie nor Andre 3000 or The Love Below sing songs that will be on the next Passion One Day album either.
But... I know a ton of people who love Katy Perry... who used to be Katy Hudson, Christian rocker. No kidding, I've got her CD.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Simpson both either dabbled in Christian music, or professed the name of Christ in no less than their liner notes on early albums--and the lifestyles that they both live now don't seemingly fit well with the verses they put forth then. But I can dig JT, and Jessica... well, ask John Mayer how she's doing.
So, what do I do with someone I really like, someone who has meant so much to me, someone who I have looked forward to hearing from again returns... only she returns with a decision made in her life that goes against what I know to be true with the God I believe in?
Well, in Knapp's defense, she doesn't try to decide that. Her new CD, "Letting Go", isn't being marketed to Christian radio stations and bookstores, and wasn't really written for the Christian audience.
Anyway, I'm not here to judge Knapp, I'm not here to criticize her, and I still consider myself a fan, at the least a fan of "His Grace is Sufficient", "Romans", "Martyrs and Theives" and "Trinity".
She comes clean below... its an article Istole posted from Christianity Today's website, and interview with Mark Moring called "Jennifer Knapp Comes Out". I really respect Knapp for being restrainted enough to admit that, when it comes to what the Bible says about homosexuality, she doesn't want to discuss the theology, partly because she doesn't know, and partly because she knows there is alot of judgement coming from people staring at her through the wooden plank they've got lodged. I almost get the sense that she's saying, "Okay, I'm gay, now let's move on because I want to play my guitar..."
You can read the article for yourself on their page, or you can just read it here, placed for your convenience (and to keep you on my site, of course). Thanks to Tyler the bro-in-law for sending this to me....
You announced your "hiatus" in 2003. Was that a sudden decision, or was it boiling for a while?
Jennifer Knapp: It was boiling for me. I think people thought I just fell into a hole and disappeared, but I had been trying to get out of being on the road 250 days a year. Lay It Down was a 2000 release, and The Way I Am was 2001; those records were literally back to back, and I was touring while recording The Way I Am. I was telling people "Man, I can't keep up the schedule. This is just a little bit crazy." I didn't have any space to just be a normal human being. I finally realized nobody was going to make that decision for me, so I just said, "I'm not kidding. I need a break, and it starts now."
That decision came mid-2001, but my schedule didn't allow me to stop until September 2002, when I did my last show; I basically still had about a year and a half worth of contracted concerts and other things before I could stop.
A lot of people hit burnout, but I don't think many think, I'm going to take seven years off. What were you thinking?
Knapp: At the time, I literally thought I was quitting. I needed such a break, and I needed the silence to be deafening. But in the back of my mind I thought, Maybe in a couple of years I'll come back and give this another go. It was a huge risk to say I may never do this again. It was a real heart wrenching decision.
Once you fulfilled your last obligation, was there a big sigh of relief? Or what?
Knapp: I was scared to death. You just don't leave something that everyone else says is extremely successful. Some people close to me said I was doing something wrong—that [quitting] was a denial of the gifts I had. I was like, Whoa, hold on a second. I'm just asking for a little bit of time. That was a lot to deal with. It took two or three years to get over the rollercoaster ride of emotions. One day I'd be completely angry; the next day completely heartbroken and devastated; the next raging jealous because somebody's out there doing something that I love doing and I can't do it. And some days I was in complete denial. It was almost like a psychological profile of grief. [It took a while] to let the dust settle and figure out what kind of human being was left.
There were rumors that you left music because you were gay.
Knapp: That was a straw [in my decision], but there were many straws on the camel's back at the time. I'm certainly in a same-sex relationship now, but when I suspended my work, that wasn't even really a factor. I had some difficult decisions to make and what that meant for my life and deciding to invest in a same-sex relationship, but it would be completely unfair to say that's why I left music.
Were you involved in a relationship at that time you left?
Knapp: Around 2002, I was starting to contend with this new-found "issue" in my life. But I'd already decided to leave music before I knew I was going to contend with that. I don't want anyone to think that I ran out of town with my tail between my legs because I had something to hide.
Or that you were run out of town.
Knapp: Or that I was run out of town. Neither is true.
When you wrote The Way I Am, was that a veiled statement about being gay?
Knapp: That record means a lot more to me now than it did at the time. That whole record for me was an exercise in the carnal body of Christ manifested. One of the biggest decisions I was wrestling with then was, If I don't do Christian music, am I not a believer anymore?
Why come back now? What has changed?
Knapp: At some point [last year] when I started to write again, I realized that the process was rather organic. I started playing at home, and my friends are going, "Oh wow, that's pretty good. What are you going to do with that?" I said, "What do you mean, what am I going to do with it? Nothing!" The return has been a lot like the way I started music in the first place. We're doing a four-day run of concerts right now, I'm in a van, I just spent half my afternoon driving, and if I'm lucky I get dinner before I play tonight. There's something about that process you've got to love. I just think it took me a lot longer to figure out if that passion was a safe one for me.
You spent about five of the last seven years in Australia, right?
Knapp: Yes. But I've been back in the States since September. During those seven years, I entertained myself for quite some time by traveling. I traveled all through Europe. I traveled through the U.S. for about a year. I was basically a transient for about four years.
Traveling alone or with your partner?
Knapp: With my partner.
Have you been with the same partner for a long time?
Knapp: About eight years, but I don't want to get into that. For whatever reason the rumor mill [about me being gay] has persisted for so long, I wanted to acknowledge; I don't want to come off as somebody who's shirking the truth in my life. At the same time, I'm intensely private. Even if I were married to a man and had six children, it would be my personal choice to not get that kind of conversation rolling.
I understand. But I'm curious: Were you struggling with same-sex attraction when writing your first three albums? Those songs are so confessional, clearly coming from a place of a person who knows her need for grace and mercy.
Knapp: To be honest, it never occurred to me while writing those songs. I wasn't seeking out a same-sex relationship during that time.
During my college years, I received some admonishment about some relationships I'd had with women. Some people said, "You might want to renegotiate that," even though those relationships weren't sexual. Hindsight being 20/20, I guess it makes sense. But if you remove the social problem that homosexuality brings to the church—and the debate as to whether or not it should be called a "struggle," because there are proponents on both sides—you remove the notion that I am living my life with a great deal of joy. It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith. I still consider my hope to be a whole human being, to be a person of love and grace. So it's difficult for me to say that I've struggled within myself, because I haven't. I've struggled with other people. I've struggled with what that means in my own faith. I have struggled with how that perception of me will affect the way I feel about myself.
Are you beyond those struggles?
Knapp: I don't know. I'm the happiest I've ever been. But now that I'm back in the U.S., I'm contending with the culture shock of moving back here. There's some extremely volatile language and debate—on all sides—that just breaks my heart. Frankly, if it were up to me, I wouldn't be making any kind of public statement at all. But there are people I care about within the church community who would seek to throw me out simply because of who I've chosen to spend my life with.
So why come out of the closet, so to speak?
Knapp: I'm in no way capable of leading a charge for some kind of activist movement. I'm just a normal human being who's dealing with normal everyday life scenarios. As a Christian, I'm doing that as best as I can. The heartbreaking thing to me is that we're all hopelessly deceived if we don't think that there are people within our churches, within our communities, who want to hold on to the person they love, whatever sex that may be, and hold on to their faith. It's a hard notion. It will be a struggle for those who are in a spot that they have to choose between one or the other. The struggle I've been through—and I don't know if I will ever be fully out of it—is feeling like I have to justify my faith or the decisions that I've made to choose to love who I choose to love.
Have you ever felt like you had to choose between your faith or your gay feelings?
Knapp: Yes. Absolutely.
Because you felt they were incompatible?
Knapp: Well, everyone around me made it absolutely clear that this is not an option for me, to invest in this other person—and for me to choose to do so would be a denial of my faith.
What about what Scripture says on the topic?
Knapp: The Bible has literally saved my life. I find myself between a rock and a hard place—between the conservative evangelical who uses what most people refer to as the "clobber verses" to refer to this loving relationship as an abomination, while they're eating shellfish and wearing clothes of five different fabrics, and various other Scriptures we could argue about. I'm not capable of getting into the theological argument as to whether or not we should or shouldn't allow homosexuals within our church. There's a spirit that overrides that for me, and what I've been gravitating to in Christ and why I became a Christian in the first place.
Some argue that the feelings of homosexuality are not sinful, but only the act. What would you say?
Knapp: I'm not capable of fully debating that well. But I've always struggled as a Christian with various forms of external evidence that we are obligated to show that we are Christians. I've found no law that commands me in any way other than to love my neighbor as myself, and that love is the greatest commandment. At a certain point I find myself so handcuffed in my own faith by trying to get it right—to try and look like a Christian, to try to do the things that Christians should do, to be all of these things externally—to fake it until I get myself all handcuffed and tied up in knots as to what I was supposed to be doing there in the first place.
If God expects me, in order to be a Christian, to be able to theologically justify every move that I make, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a miserable failure.
You're living in Nashville. Are you in a church these days?
Knapp: No.
The Christian music industry can be fickle. Fans, radio, and retail were angry at Amy Grant for her divorce, at Michael English and Sandi Patty for adultery. But eventually, they were "welcomed" back. How do you think your fans and radio and Christian stores will react to the news that you're gay? Or do you care?
Knapp: I do have a soul! (laughs) I care deeply. It's a very heart-wrenching decision to come into a room knowing that there are many people who just won't come with me. The Christian bookstore thing is probably not going to happen; this isn't a Christian record, and it's not going to be marketed to Christian radio.
K-LOVE won't pick this one up?
Knapp: I doubt it, but there's no reason they can't play it. To me, my faith is fairly evident in what I'm writing, but it's not a record for the sanctuary. That in itself is a huge risk for me—to be able to write without feeling like I've got to manufacture something that's not entirely genuine, to take a song and feel like I have to make an obvious biblical reference. That's not there anymore. I've actually buried it; for me, it's an exercise in liberty. In a spiritual context, will God still be evident in me when I write songs? I sort of nervously wring my hands together and go, Please don't leave me.
You're saying Please don't leave me to God, or fans, or whom?
Knapp: To me, and the divine experience of being a musician—that private world of where I integrate that into my life and where it comes out on a public level, as a song. I have a lot of fans who live in real-life scenarios, not just live within the walls of their church. They aren't surrounded by Christians all day long; they don't just listen to Christian music. I have a lot of critically thinking fans who are trying to sort out their lives as Christians as best they know how. I think as a result of that, a lot of them have been marginalized; they're still seeking to be Christians but not always measuring up to the marketed idea of who they should be.
You're playing live shows again …
Knapp: Yes. My concerts right now include the ultra-conservative hand raisers that are going to make this bar their worship zone. And there's a guy over on the left having one too many, and there's a gay couple over on the right. That's my dream scenario. I love each and every one of them. At the end of the day, it's music.
Are you still playing your old songs in concert?
Knapp: A bit, yeah.
Which ones?
Knapp: "Martyrs and Thieves" I'll probably always play off of Kansas. "Fall Down" off of The Way I Am. The songs still have to speak to me. I had to go back and learn my old songs, but that's been part of my process too—feeling like because I was gay that I couldn't sing those songs anymore. I even said, "Don't give me a [live] set longer than what I can play with this new music, because I just can't play the old music." I just flat out said I wouldn't do it.
But you're already rethinking that?
Knapp: I'm enjoying what I'm playing now. It's been organic. Amy Courts, a gal who's joined me on this tour, said she wanted to sing some of the old songs with me. I was like, Man, I don't know. I swore I'd never play that song again. But we start playing it, and it just hits me right in my heart. It's like somebody else wrote it. I realized that it comes from a very honest, genuine place. I've started to make those connections between the old songs and what I'm doing now. It was an extraordinarily helpful connect, because for a long time I thought it was old life vs. new life. But it's not. It was a real comfort to me to realize I'm still the same person, that the baggage or new scenarios we pick up along the way are part of the long-term story.
The new record is called Letting Go. Is that a statement?
Knapp: Oh, I love record titles! (laughs) I suppose. There's a song called "Letting Go," and it's basically just a struggle to hold onto the things that have been valuable to me. That was one of the last song I wrote going into this, when I started to have a panic attack going I can't do this. People are going to chew me up and spit me out and tell me that I'm worthless. I think the process of writing that song was really helpful to realize that I really enjoy what I'm doing, and I'm not going to let go of my faith and I'm not going to let go of the passion to do music the way I want, in case there are other people telling me I can do neither because of personal decisions I've made.
In the lyrics to that song, who is the you when you sing, "Holding onto you is a menace to my soul"?
Knapp: It changes nightly. It seriously does. And it can change three or four times while I'm singing it. Some days it's my faith. Some days I'm singing to God, like You're a menace, man. It's hard to keep my faith. Sometimes it's music, and sometimes it's being on the road. It's a lot of those scenarios. That song is a bit of a chameleon, because it's all of those fearful moments that want to handicap me from not moving forward, when I'd rather move forward with grace and as much kindness as I can—and make my mistakes and hope that grace will follow me.
So it turns out to be the title of the record. I think a lot of folks around this process have been excited about what it's taken for me to get to this point—to be able to pull a trigger, to be able to go, Okay, really I want to play. A few years back, people were offering me five and six figures to come out and just do one show. I'm like, No, you cannot pay me enough. So that idea of letting go, and just the celebration that this record has felt like—finding music again, finding the passion to face up to a really challenging career but one that's extraordinarily rewarding, that when you lay your head on the pillow at the end of the night you go, Man, I'm bone tired, but that was good. For me, that's what it means.
I'm tired of spending hours and hours thinking about what if scenarios—what if nobody wants it, what if everybody is mad, what if I'm a complete disappointment. Now it's, Here it is. I've got to let it go. That's one of the frustrating parts of my Christian walk, the scenario that if I don't get it right, that I've somehow failed God and failed my faith
There are a few songs here that I would call angry songs. Is that fair?
Knapp: Which ones do you call angry songs?
Well, there's "If It Made a Difference," where you sing, "Sorry I ever gave a damn / Sorry I even tried to waste all the better parts of me / On not just anyone who came to mind." And "Inside," where you sing, "I know they'll bury me before they hear the whole story … / Who the hell do you think you are?" Sounds angry to me!
Knapp: Okay. I'm okay if you call them angry. I prefer to think of them as, well …
Honest?
Knapp: I'm just really enjoying the opportunity as a writer to be able to put a kinetic energy into what's been welling up inside of me. It's great to be able to not feel like I've got to turn that frustration into a happy, cheery …
But you've never been like that, Jennifer. I don't listen to your old albums and think Oh, this is all happy, shiny music. I hate happy, shiny music!
Knapp: I think "angry" is probably … I'm not really an angry person. I'm passionate, and I've certainly been known to raise my voice and pound my fists, but in the heart of me it's not a destructive thing. It's more the type of energy of what it takes when a person's being thwarted. I wrote "Inside" in complete and utter fear to voices in my head that told me that I couldn't be a person of faith.
In the song's third line, you sing, "God forbid they give me grace." Do you really believe that no believers will show you grace?
Knapp: It's a much larger picture than that. I don't want anyone to think the song is targeted at the church, or at the ways we find judgment cast upon us. It's a challenge to break free of that and to own who you really are. That's my heart's cry for anyone I've ever met. It's not on my agenda to convert the world to a religion, but to convert the world to compassion and grace. I've experienced that in my life through Christianity.
"Inside" isn't about the church. It's about me, and how I struggle to be myself daily—honest and truthful to who I really am. It would break my heart if people got through this [album], especially the Christian audience, and found themselves with another artist that was just angry at the church. That's not where I'm at. If there's any anger or frustration on this record, it's the desperation to hold onto what is honest and true, and let the rest of it just burn.
I would be really sad if people thought this was a sword trying to cut up something I've been deeply moved by. Christian music has been a great surprise for me, but I didn't aspire to be a Christian music artist. I aspired to be a Christian in my private life, and I think it's a wonderful side effect that can happen with music—that you can get a lot of people to share in that specific experience. So it would be a tragedy if people couldn't see the forest for the trees, to see the connectivity between Kansas and Letting Go. It's there for me, gratefully, with a big, huge, massive sigh of relief. It's not like I left Christian music because Christian music was bad, or that I'm not participating in church because the church is evil. It's none of those things. For me, it's the journey that I'm on, trying to figure things about as best I can.
You can order "Kansas" here... or pre-order her new one, "Letting Go" here.
Anyone who just read the above statement and thinks I am a narrowminded, homophobic conservative that is ignorant for not wanting two people to love each other, that's fine. But you won't want to read the next thing I have to say. In fact, just go to another website. Come back later, when I've got Idol coverage.
I had heard rumors that Jennifer Knapp was gay. And in an interview, she confirms what I already believed to be true. And it saddens me to no end, it just about breaks my heart.
The line "...there are ghosts from my past who own more of my soul than I thought I had given away, they linger in closets and under my bed and in pictures less proudly displayed..." from "Martyrs and Theives" is one of the most piercing, cutting, soul-baring lines of any song ever to me. It just cuts right to the marrow of who d$ is in Christ.
And... my beloved, loved Jennifer Knapp... is a lesbian. Does this mean I respect her any less? Certainly not. I have great respect for who she is, and what she's done. Does this mean I love her any less? No. I still consider her a sister in Christ, and though I've only met her once--and believe me, she wouldn't be able to pick me out of a lineup on Lorna Road (though I'm the only one with no landscaping dust on my flannel shirt)--I still fully expect to see her when we go Home. Do I like her music any less? That... that is the question, isn't it?
I mean, who am I to even try to judge Knapp for the lifestyle she's chosen? Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, is knocked up without a husband, or Fergie or OutKast, two artists I'm a fan of, live the lifestyles they live... of course, Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, doesn't profess the name of Christ, and neither Fergie nor Andre 3000 or The Love Below sing songs that will be on the next Passion One Day album either.
But... I know a ton of people who love Katy Perry... who used to be Katy Hudson, Christian rocker. No kidding, I've got her CD.
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Simpson both either dabbled in Christian music, or professed the name of Christ in no less than their liner notes on early albums--and the lifestyles that they both live now don't seemingly fit well with the verses they put forth then. But I can dig JT, and Jessica... well, ask John Mayer how she's doing.
So, what do I do with someone I really like, someone who has meant so much to me, someone who I have looked forward to hearing from again returns... only she returns with a decision made in her life that goes against what I know to be true with the God I believe in?
Well, in Knapp's defense, she doesn't try to decide that. Her new CD, "Letting Go", isn't being marketed to Christian radio stations and bookstores, and wasn't really written for the Christian audience.
Anyway, I'm not here to judge Knapp, I'm not here to criticize her, and I still consider myself a fan, at the least a fan of "His Grace is Sufficient", "Romans", "Martyrs and Theives" and "Trinity".
She comes clean below... its an article I
You can read the article for yourself on their page, or you can just read it here, placed for your convenience (and to keep you on my site, of course). Thanks to Tyler the bro-in-law for sending this to me....
You announced your "hiatus" in 2003. Was that a sudden decision, or was it boiling for a while?
Jennifer Knapp: It was boiling for me. I think people thought I just fell into a hole and disappeared, but I had been trying to get out of being on the road 250 days a year. Lay It Down was a 2000 release, and The Way I Am was 2001; those records were literally back to back, and I was touring while recording The Way I Am. I was telling people "Man, I can't keep up the schedule. This is just a little bit crazy." I didn't have any space to just be a normal human being. I finally realized nobody was going to make that decision for me, so I just said, "I'm not kidding. I need a break, and it starts now."
That decision came mid-2001, but my schedule didn't allow me to stop until September 2002, when I did my last show; I basically still had about a year and a half worth of contracted concerts and other things before I could stop.
A lot of people hit burnout, but I don't think many think, I'm going to take seven years off. What were you thinking?
Knapp: At the time, I literally thought I was quitting. I needed such a break, and I needed the silence to be deafening. But in the back of my mind I thought, Maybe in a couple of years I'll come back and give this another go. It was a huge risk to say I may never do this again. It was a real heart wrenching decision.
Once you fulfilled your last obligation, was there a big sigh of relief? Or what?
Knapp: I was scared to death. You just don't leave something that everyone else says is extremely successful. Some people close to me said I was doing something wrong—that [quitting] was a denial of the gifts I had. I was like, Whoa, hold on a second. I'm just asking for a little bit of time. That was a lot to deal with. It took two or three years to get over the rollercoaster ride of emotions. One day I'd be completely angry; the next day completely heartbroken and devastated; the next raging jealous because somebody's out there doing something that I love doing and I can't do it. And some days I was in complete denial. It was almost like a psychological profile of grief. [It took a while] to let the dust settle and figure out what kind of human being was left.
There were rumors that you left music because you were gay.
Knapp: That was a straw [in my decision], but there were many straws on the camel's back at the time. I'm certainly in a same-sex relationship now, but when I suspended my work, that wasn't even really a factor. I had some difficult decisions to make and what that meant for my life and deciding to invest in a same-sex relationship, but it would be completely unfair to say that's why I left music.
Were you involved in a relationship at that time you left?
Or that you were run out of town.
Knapp: Or that I was run out of town. Neither is true.
When you wrote The Way I Am, was that a veiled statement about being gay?
Knapp: That record means a lot more to me now than it did at the time. That whole record for me was an exercise in the carnal body of Christ manifested. One of the biggest decisions I was wrestling with then was, If I don't do Christian music, am I not a believer anymore?
Why come back now? What has changed?
Knapp: At some point [last year] when I started to write again, I realized that the process was rather organic. I started playing at home, and my friends are going, "Oh wow, that's pretty good. What are you going to do with that?" I said, "What do you mean, what am I going to do with it? Nothing!" The return has been a lot like the way I started music in the first place. We're doing a four-day run of concerts right now, I'm in a van, I just spent half my afternoon driving, and if I'm lucky I get dinner before I play tonight. There's something about that process you've got to love. I just think it took me a lot longer to figure out if that passion was a safe one for me.
You spent about five of the last seven years in Australia, right?
Knapp: Yes. But I've been back in the States since September. During those seven years, I entertained myself for quite some time by traveling. I traveled all through Europe. I traveled through the U.S. for about a year. I was basically a transient for about four years.
Traveling alone or with your partner?
Knapp: With my partner.
Have you been with the same partner for a long time?
Knapp: About eight years, but I don't want to get into that. For whatever reason the rumor mill [about me being gay] has persisted for so long, I wanted to acknowledge; I don't want to come off as somebody who's shirking the truth in my life. At the same time, I'm intensely private. Even if I were married to a man and had six children, it would be my personal choice to not get that kind of conversation rolling.
I understand. But I'm curious: Were you struggling with same-sex attraction when writing your first three albums? Those songs are so confessional, clearly coming from a place of a person who knows her need for grace and mercy.
Knapp: To be honest, it never occurred to me while writing those songs. I wasn't seeking out a same-sex relationship during that time.
During my college years, I received some admonishment about some relationships I'd had with women. Some people said, "You might want to renegotiate that," even though those relationships weren't sexual. Hindsight being 20/20, I guess it makes sense. But if you remove the social problem that homosexuality brings to the church—and the debate as to whether or not it should be called a "struggle," because there are proponents on both sides—you remove the notion that I am living my life with a great deal of joy. It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith. I still consider my hope to be a whole human being, to be a person of love and grace. So it's difficult for me to say that I've struggled within myself, because I haven't. I've struggled with other people. I've struggled with what that means in my own faith. I have struggled with how that perception of me will affect the way I feel about myself.
Are you beyond those struggles?
Knapp: I don't know. I'm the happiest I've ever been. But now that I'm back in the U.S., I'm contending with the culture shock of moving back here. There's some extremely volatile language and debate—on all sides—that just breaks my heart. Frankly, if it were up to me, I wouldn't be making any kind of public statement at all. But there are people I care about within the church community who would seek to throw me out simply because of who I've chosen to spend my life with.
So why come out of the closet, so to speak?
Knapp: I'm in no way capable of leading a charge for some kind of activist movement. I'm just a normal human being who's dealing with normal everyday life scenarios. As a Christian, I'm doing that as best as I can. The heartbreaking thing to me is that we're all hopelessly deceived if we don't think that there are people within our churches, within our communities, who want to hold on to the person they love, whatever sex that may be, and hold on to their faith. It's a hard notion. It will be a struggle for those who are in a spot that they have to choose between one or the other. The struggle I've been through—and I don't know if I will ever be fully out of it—is feeling like I have to justify my faith or the decisions that I've made to choose to love who I choose to love.
Have you ever felt like you had to choose between your faith or your gay feelings?
Knapp: Yes. Absolutely.
Because you felt they were incompatible?
Knapp: Well, everyone around me made it absolutely clear that this is not an option for me, to invest in this other person—and for me to choose to do so would be a denial of my faith.
What about what Scripture says on the topic?
Knapp: The Bible has literally saved my life. I find myself between a rock and a hard place—between the conservative evangelical who uses what most people refer to as the "clobber verses" to refer to this loving relationship as an abomination, while they're eating shellfish and wearing clothes of five different fabrics, and various other Scriptures we could argue about. I'm not capable of getting into the theological argument as to whether or not we should or shouldn't allow homosexuals within our church. There's a spirit that overrides that for me, and what I've been gravitating to in Christ and why I became a Christian in the first place.
Some argue that the feelings of homosexuality are not sinful, but only the act. What would you say?
Knapp: I'm not capable of fully debating that well. But I've always struggled as a Christian with various forms of external evidence that we are obligated to show that we are Christians. I've found no law that commands me in any way other than to love my neighbor as myself, and that love is the greatest commandment. At a certain point I find myself so handcuffed in my own faith by trying to get it right—to try and look like a Christian, to try to do the things that Christians should do, to be all of these things externally—to fake it until I get myself all handcuffed and tied up in knots as to what I was supposed to be doing there in the first place.
If God expects me, in order to be a Christian, to be able to theologically justify every move that I make, I'm sorry. I'm going to be a miserable failure.
You're living in Nashville. Are you in a church these days?
Knapp: No.
The Christian music industry can be fickle. Fans, radio, and retail were angry at Amy Grant for her divorce, at Michael English and Sandi Patty for adultery. But eventually, they were "welcomed" back. How do you think your fans and radio and Christian stores will react to the news that you're gay? Or do you care?
Knapp: I do have a soul! (laughs) I care deeply. It's a very heart-wrenching decision to come into a room knowing that there are many people who just won't come with me. The Christian bookstore thing is probably not going to happen; this isn't a Christian record, and it's not going to be marketed to Christian radio.
K-LOVE won't pick this one up?
Knapp: I doubt it, but there's no reason they can't play it. To me, my faith is fairly evident in what I'm writing, but it's not a record for the sanctuary. That in itself is a huge risk for me—to be able to write without feeling like I've got to manufacture something that's not entirely genuine, to take a song and feel like I have to make an obvious biblical reference. That's not there anymore. I've actually buried it; for me, it's an exercise in liberty. In a spiritual context, will God still be evident in me when I write songs? I sort of nervously wring my hands together and go, Please don't leave me.
You're saying Please don't leave me to God, or fans, or whom?
Knapp: To me, and the divine experience of being a musician—that private world of where I integrate that into my life and where it comes out on a public level, as a song. I have a lot of fans who live in real-life scenarios, not just live within the walls of their church. They aren't surrounded by Christians all day long; they don't just listen to Christian music. I have a lot of critically thinking fans who are trying to sort out their lives as Christians as best they know how. I think as a result of that, a lot of them have been marginalized; they're still seeking to be Christians but not always measuring up to the marketed idea of who they should be.
You're playing live shows again …
Knapp: Yes. My concerts right now include the ultra-conservative hand raisers that are going to make this bar their worship zone. And there's a guy over on the left having one too many, and there's a gay couple over on the right. That's my dream scenario. I love each and every one of them. At the end of the day, it's music.
Are you still playing your old songs in concert?
Knapp: A bit, yeah.
Which ones?
Knapp: "Martyrs and Thieves" I'll probably always play off of Kansas. "Fall Down" off of The Way I Am. The songs still have to speak to me. I had to go back and learn my old songs, but that's been part of my process too—feeling like because I was gay that I couldn't sing those songs anymore. I even said, "Don't give me a [live] set longer than what I can play with this new music, because I just can't play the old music." I just flat out said I wouldn't do it.
But you're already rethinking that?
Knapp: I'm enjoying what I'm playing now. It's been organic. Amy Courts, a gal who's joined me on this tour, said she wanted to sing some of the old songs with me. I was like, Man, I don't know. I swore I'd never play that song again. But we start playing it, and it just hits me right in my heart. It's like somebody else wrote it. I realized that it comes from a very honest, genuine place. I've started to make those connections between the old songs and what I'm doing now. It was an extraordinarily helpful connect, because for a long time I thought it was old life vs. new life. But it's not. It was a real comfort to me to realize I'm still the same person, that the baggage or new scenarios we pick up along the way are part of the long-term story.
Knapp: Oh, I love record titles! (laughs) I suppose. There's a song called "Letting Go," and it's basically just a struggle to hold onto the things that have been valuable to me. That was one of the last song I wrote going into this, when I started to have a panic attack going I can't do this. People are going to chew me up and spit me out and tell me that I'm worthless. I think the process of writing that song was really helpful to realize that I really enjoy what I'm doing, and I'm not going to let go of my faith and I'm not going to let go of the passion to do music the way I want, in case there are other people telling me I can do neither because of personal decisions I've made.
In the lyrics to that song, who is the you when you sing, "Holding onto you is a menace to my soul"?
Knapp: It changes nightly. It seriously does. And it can change three or four times while I'm singing it. Some days it's my faith. Some days I'm singing to God, like You're a menace, man. It's hard to keep my faith. Sometimes it's music, and sometimes it's being on the road. It's a lot of those scenarios. That song is a bit of a chameleon, because it's all of those fearful moments that want to handicap me from not moving forward, when I'd rather move forward with grace and as much kindness as I can—and make my mistakes and hope that grace will follow me.
So it turns out to be the title of the record. I think a lot of folks around this process have been excited about what it's taken for me to get to this point—to be able to pull a trigger, to be able to go, Okay, really I want to play. A few years back, people were offering me five and six figures to come out and just do one show. I'm like, No, you cannot pay me enough. So that idea of letting go, and just the celebration that this record has felt like—finding music again, finding the passion to face up to a really challenging career but one that's extraordinarily rewarding, that when you lay your head on the pillow at the end of the night you go, Man, I'm bone tired, but that was good. For me, that's what it means.
I'm tired of spending hours and hours thinking about what if scenarios—what if nobody wants it, what if everybody is mad, what if I'm a complete disappointment. Now it's, Here it is. I've got to let it go. That's one of the frustrating parts of my Christian walk, the scenario that if I don't get it right, that I've somehow failed God and failed my faith
There are a few songs here that I would call angry songs. Is that fair?
Knapp: Which ones do you call angry songs?
Well, there's "If It Made a Difference," where you sing, "Sorry I ever gave a damn / Sorry I even tried to waste all the better parts of me / On not just anyone who came to mind." And "Inside," where you sing, "I know they'll bury me before they hear the whole story … / Who the hell do you think you are?" Sounds angry to me!
Knapp: Okay. I'm okay if you call them angry. I prefer to think of them as, well …
Honest?
Knapp: I'm just really enjoying the opportunity as a writer to be able to put a kinetic energy into what's been welling up inside of me. It's great to be able to not feel like I've got to turn that frustration into a happy, cheery …
But you've never been like that, Jennifer. I don't listen to your old albums and think Oh, this is all happy, shiny music. I hate happy, shiny music!
Knapp: I think "angry" is probably … I'm not really an angry person. I'm passionate, and I've certainly been known to raise my voice and pound my fists, but in the heart of me it's not a destructive thing. It's more the type of energy of what it takes when a person's being thwarted. I wrote "Inside" in complete and utter fear to voices in my head that told me that I couldn't be a person of faith.
In the song's third line, you sing, "God forbid they give me grace." Do you really believe that no believers will show you grace?
Knapp: It's a much larger picture than that. I don't want anyone to think the song is targeted at the church, or at the ways we find judgment cast upon us. It's a challenge to break free of that and to own who you really are. That's my heart's cry for anyone I've ever met. It's not on my agenda to convert the world to a religion, but to convert the world to compassion and grace. I've experienced that in my life through Christianity.
"Inside" isn't about the church. It's about me, and how I struggle to be myself daily—honest and truthful to who I really am. It would break my heart if people got through this [album], especially the Christian audience, and found themselves with another artist that was just angry at the church. That's not where I'm at. If there's any anger or frustration on this record, it's the desperation to hold onto what is honest and true, and let the rest of it just burn.
I would be really sad if people thought this was a sword trying to cut up something I've been deeply moved by. Christian music has been a great surprise for me, but I didn't aspire to be a Christian music artist. I aspired to be a Christian in my private life, and I think it's a wonderful side effect that can happen with music—that you can get a lot of people to share in that specific experience. So it would be a tragedy if people couldn't see the forest for the trees, to see the connectivity between Kansas and Letting Go. It's there for me, gratefully, with a big, huge, massive sigh of relief. It's not like I left Christian music because Christian music was bad, or that I'm not participating in church because the church is evil. It's none of those things. For me, it's the journey that I'm on, trying to figure things about as best I can.
You can order "Kansas" here... or pre-order her new one, "Letting Go" here.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Maybe I'll Just Write it Down
Loved college, that's no secret. It thrills me to no end to be able to now scan and post memories via Facebook for the world--and those involved--to see, and its made me think... after reading what McQ did... writing a book.... it's perhaps time that I followed suit.
Her book is entitled "Strength in the Struggle", and you can preview it here, or just visit her site on the interweb for more details. McQ is a neat chick--I think you all would like her very much so if you met her.
Anyway, she self published, which is something I would have to do... the reason her book is a little expensive is that its graphic & photo heavy. For me, it would just be text. Fiction. I referenced what I wanted to write actually in a short story I wrote called "Hey Now" back in 1998, a story that brought in all those closest to me at the time, Shelby, Jenn Mullturp, Allysong, Eddie, Rad a Tad, Troy Mac, Melanie J and a few others.
That story was about a Troy homecoming weekend that brought back this group of friends, and their reconnecting, their lives and their future. Set in 2005, in it I had already written the story that I am finally considering putting to paper now. I still have it in a notebook somewhere.
Why say all of this online? Who knows. Maybe if I write all of this here, it will be enough to not have to worry about actually writing a novel. Or maybe it will get people like McQ going, "Where is it? Huh? You said you were going to write it! Faker!" However, I hope I get around to it, as I've been thinking about it for, I dunno, going on seven years now. I figure if I don't soon, eventually I'll lose all interest.
Then again, who wants to pay $20 for my rambling in novel form when you can get it for free here? So, we shall see.
Her book is entitled "Strength in the Struggle", and you can preview it here, or just visit her site on the interweb for more details. McQ is a neat chick--I think you all would like her very much so if you met her.
Anyway, she self published, which is something I would have to do... the reason her book is a little expensive is that its graphic & photo heavy. For me, it would just be text. Fiction. I referenced what I wanted to write actually in a short story I wrote called "Hey Now" back in 1998, a story that brought in all those closest to me at the time, Shelby, Jenn Mullturp, Allysong, Eddie, Rad a Tad, Troy Mac, Melanie J and a few others.
That story was about a Troy homecoming weekend that brought back this group of friends, and their reconnecting, their lives and their future. Set in 2005, in it I had already written the story that I am finally considering putting to paper now. I still have it in a notebook somewhere.
Why say all of this online? Who knows. Maybe if I write all of this here, it will be enough to not have to worry about actually writing a novel. Or maybe it will get people like McQ going, "Where is it? Huh? You said you were going to write it! Faker!" However, I hope I get around to it, as I've been thinking about it for, I dunno, going on seven years now. I figure if I don't soon, eventually I'll lose all interest.
Then again, who wants to pay $20 for my rambling in novel form when you can get it for free here? So, we shall see.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Pics of Chicks
I hate going a week or so without blogging, because there's always the danger that your audience will stop coming. So I figured, in the wee hours of the morning, I would toss up a quick post... but what about?
Well, the newest, greatest development in my life is that the scanner now works. Well, not with my laptop... see, it did work with my laptop, until I took it over to my in-laws home several months ago to do some work there... I plugged in their printer, which wasn't compatible with my operating system and blah blah blah jargon jargon, viola, my scanner program no longer exists here at The Cabana. I don't know where it went, and I don't know how to find it.
Anyway, I dug out the dinosaur we used for a long time out of the closet just the other night, plugged it in, got the tower working, and had to jiggle the monitor cord to get it to stay on... but lo and behold, I found the scanner program on the computer. So I turned it on, and then began to dig out all the pics I wanted to scan before....
So tonight, I thought I'd give you a few pics of people, namely chicks, that I've mentioned here, so you can put a face to them... first...
Rebecca Miller & the Divine Do-Over was a pretty popular post way back in the day... so here's Rebecca Miller herself. She's the one with her hand in front of her face. Perhaps thats the way God intended... I go out with an Alpha Gam, and I have no real proof of how cute she was. But she's no The Lovely Steph Leann.
I've mentioned The Angel a few times, so here she is. This is at the first FarmHouse Coffeehouse night way back in the spring of 1995, I believe. She let me bow unto her presence and snap a photo... the light flowing around her almost messed up my camera, and I could barely hear anything for the Hallelujah chorus in the distance.
Haven't talked about Shelby Logan that much, but she's a first ballot Dave Hall of Famer. A close friend of mine from college, we just recently started talking more, via Facebook. Heck, with this post, she'll even get her own Clouds label. Anyway, we are here at a going away party for a friend, and for a reason that I cannot pin down, we are performing the drama "When I Was Little" in my apartment. I love this picture.
And finally, because I didn't want to be rude and do a posting with girls only--The Lovely Steph Leann might be affronted--I thought I'd toss up another favorite picture of mine... this is me and Troy Mac at the TSU Homecoming... 1997, I think? Might be 98... no, Amy Worthy was 98, so I guess it was 97. I don't know. Anyway, I found him last year, and I was pretty pumped. Well, we haven't exactly chatted a whole lot just yet, but we will, I'm sure.
By the way... Troy wasn't my date. I believe the aforementioned Shelby was my date to this particular homecoming... (now speaking aloud to myself) Miranda Bryant was 93, Lisa Murphy was 94, I think Julie Haynes was 95, Jennifer Mullins was 96... and that would make Shelby Logan 97. That sounds right. Wait, was Julie my date in 95? No, she wasn't cause we didn't go out until... wait, maybe she was... or was it Julie Echols? ... see, when you marry someone like The Lovely Steph Leann, all these other chicks just kind of run together in a mesh of unwanted memory and long forgotten affection. Where was I?
Anyway, whether you enjoyed the pics or not, I did. Talk to you during Idol...
Well, the newest, greatest development in my life is that the scanner now works. Well, not with my laptop... see, it did work with my laptop, until I took it over to my in-laws home several months ago to do some work there... I plugged in their printer, which wasn't compatible with my operating system and blah blah blah jargon jargon, viola, my scanner program no longer exists here at The Cabana. I don't know where it went, and I don't know how to find it.
Anyway, I dug out the dinosaur we used for a long time out of the closet just the other night, plugged it in, got the tower working, and had to jiggle the monitor cord to get it to stay on... but lo and behold, I found the scanner program on the computer. So I turned it on, and then began to dig out all the pics I wanted to scan before....
So tonight, I thought I'd give you a few pics of people, namely chicks, that I've mentioned here, so you can put a face to them... first...
Rebecca Miller & the Divine Do-Over was a pretty popular post way back in the day... so here's Rebecca Miller herself. She's the one with her hand in front of her face. Perhaps thats the way God intended... I go out with an Alpha Gam, and I have no real proof of how cute she was. But she's no The Lovely Steph Leann.
I've mentioned The Angel a few times, so here she is. This is at the first FarmHouse Coffeehouse night way back in the spring of 1995, I believe. She let me bow unto her presence and snap a photo... the light flowing around her almost messed up my camera, and I could barely hear anything for the Hallelujah chorus in the distance.
Haven't talked about Shelby Logan that much, but she's a first ballot Dave Hall of Famer. A close friend of mine from college, we just recently started talking more, via Facebook. Heck, with this post, she'll even get her own Clouds label. Anyway, we are here at a going away party for a friend, and for a reason that I cannot pin down, we are performing the drama "When I Was Little" in my apartment. I love this picture.
And finally, because I didn't want to be rude and do a posting with girls only--The Lovely Steph Leann might be affronted--I thought I'd toss up another favorite picture of mine... this is me and Troy Mac at the TSU Homecoming... 1997, I think? Might be 98... no, Amy Worthy was 98, so I guess it was 97. I don't know. Anyway, I found him last year, and I was pretty pumped. Well, we haven't exactly chatted a whole lot just yet, but we will, I'm sure.
By the way... Troy wasn't my date. I believe the aforementioned Shelby was my date to this particular homecoming... (now speaking aloud to myself) Miranda Bryant was 93, Lisa Murphy was 94, I think Julie Haynes was 95, Jennifer Mullins was 96... and that would make Shelby Logan 97. That sounds right. Wait, was Julie my date in 95? No, she wasn't cause we didn't go out until... wait, maybe she was... or was it Julie Echols? ... see, when you marry someone like The Lovely Steph Leann, all these other chicks just kind of run together in a mesh of unwanted memory and long forgotten affection. Where was I?
Anyway, whether you enjoyed the pics or not, I did. Talk to you during Idol...
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