...And Lee is None DeWyzer (Idol IX Finale 2)

So here's last night's recap show...

And here we are.  Seven hours of fluff to give us 12 seconds of news.  Rock on.

THIS IS THE AMERICAN

IDOL

FINALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sez Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone):  American Idol 10 (its Season 9-d$) is the biggest snoozer since Jordan Sparks won it. There is zero anticipation for me.

8p... Yes, this show started at 7pm tonight, and yes, its 8pm, and we just started.  The Lovely Steph Leann and I decided on dinner first, and we headed to The Purple Onion over here on 280.  The owner of our favorite location on Hwy 31 is apparently owning this one too, because he was sitting there in the cafe.  And it was awesome.  I love me some Purp'O, and I'm happy a great location has opened up less than 3 miles from The Cabana, instead of the 10+ mile trek we have to usually make.

The judges are introduced, and The Lovely Steph Leann's first question:  "What in the bejeebers is Randy Jackson wearing??"

8:04p... The finalists come down the steps, and we both notice that Lee and Crystal are all wearing Preparatory Outfits.  We are confused, until the Top 12 are introduced and I realize they are doing "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.  Glee this ain't.

About to fast forward through the group song when I notice none other than Alice Cooper himself, Christ Follower (no, seriously) and staunch Republican, come out.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:08p... About to fast forward through Kris Allen and The Lovely Steph Leann tells me to put down the remote as he is about to sing his new single, "The Truth".  As Seacrest sends it to Kris, and Kris begins, we still hear Seacrest and some backstage chick talking.  Really, Fox?  Your the biggest show in the country for what, 7 years running?  Get this right.

8:11p... A montage of Simon Cowell clips, as this is his final Idol.  Many of these audition clips I actually remember.  A great appearance of Paula the Flake... I miss Paula. 

8:13p... Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly.  Doing us the Bee Gees. 

8:13p... The Lovely Steph Leann tells me I can fast forward, but I'm intrigued by the fact that Siobhan and Aaron are singing "How Deep Is Your Love"... and then , the curtain rises, and out comes Barry Gibb, and another guy I can only assume is another Gee.   The last time Barry Gibb was on this show was really, really bad... a few seasons back, they did Bee Gees week, and Barry performed "To Love Somebody", and it was so bad, so terribly bad, that years later, I still randomly break out with a "there's a.light.  some kinda light." in mockery--and it still sounds better than that night.

8:16p... Barry Gibb sounds marginally better

8:16p... The camera pans to David Hasselhoff in the audience.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "There's The Hoff!  He's in every one of these finales!  The camera just finds him!"

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:18p... Big Mike comes out, singing a song that I cannot place... I don't know the lyrics, but I know the music... what is it... what is it....

8:19p... "Takin' It to the Streets"!  And here comes Michael McDonald!  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I still have a hard time realizing this guy is white..."

8:20p... Michael McDonald is awesome.  "Sweet Freedom" from the '86 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines piece of crap "Running Scared" was awesome.  "Keep Forgettin'" was awesome.  His lead on "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.  Awesome. 

8:22p... I have a hard time disliking Dane Cook.  I only say that because he's now onstage singing a comedic song dedicated to Simon.  Most people I know aren't Dane Cook fans, and certainly, if you've ever seen "Good Luck Chuck", you'll know why.  However, his movie "Employee of the Month", as terrible as it is, I'll watch it everytime its on, and laugh all the same.  Anyway, this Dane Cook bit tonight?  Pretty crappy.

Fast forward through commercials

8:25p... Lacey Brown singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful".  In the first five notes, we are reminded why she was kicked out in Week 12.  We fast forward through, til we see Xtina herself appear, leading the group in "Stronger"

8:26p... Christina Aguilera sings a new song.  We fast forward.

8:27p... Ricky Gervais appears via satellite to say goodbye to Simon the Cowell. 

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:29p... Lee DeWyze is on stage to sing Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That (no can do)", which sounds really, really good.  It sounded great til Andrew Garcia joined him.  Casey James then leads us to "Maneater".  Now I'm wondering if Hall & Oates will make an appearance.  That would rule.

8:30p... Aaron Kelly singing this song is funny, because you know he has no concept of what this song even is, and who the artists are.  And he wouldn't even get the joke 'Ah, its Jeffrey Dahmer's theme song'. 

8:31p... HALL AND OATES!!!!!  I just told The Lovely Steph Leann that if they came anywhere near here, I'd totally go see them.  And they start singing "You Make My Dreams Come True".  About three lines in, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "Dude.  Darryl Hall.  You are obviously too old for this."

8:32p... Law #8,878 I'm forcing through when I become president in 2028... John Oates is required to sport his 80s 'stache at all times.  At all times.  Shaving it is a punishable fine of $100,000 and/or up to ten years in maximum security prison.  Just sayin'.

8:34p... Crystal Bowersox comes out and sings "Ironic".   And then, as now expected, Alanis Morrisette herself comes out, starting out with "You Oughta Know".  How can I fast forward through this darn show when I actually want to watch the performances!?   Crystal changes a key line in the song, "Would she go down with you to the theater".  You know your old when you see that line, and immediately know what the original line is.  Hey, "Jagged Little Pill" was a college icon album for me, one of those "what CDs would you take with you to a deserted island" kind of albums.  Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes this CD, which is saying something, because a rocker chick she ain't.

8:36p... Alanis/Crystal duet.  AWESOME.  The Lovely Steph Leann is even singing along to "You Oughta Know".

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:42p... The Lovely Steph Leann and I have this quick, spirited discussion about whether "Jagged Little Pill" was a rock album or not.  I say yes, she says it was more alternative, to which I say, "Yes, alt rock."  I'm right.  Again

8:42p... Carrie Underwood comes out.  She's singing "Undo", a song I'm not a huge fan of.  I like Carrie, though, because she really shows how appreciative of Idol--she comes back all the time, and shows her gratitude frequently.  Unlike Kelly Clarkson, who seems like she wants to forget Idol is the reason she has a career.

8:44p... Typing that last paragraph, almost missed fast forwarding through the Ford Commercial.  Made it, though!

8:45p... Casey James introduced singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn", which makes me throw my hands up, saying "Bret Michaels is coming out!  Yeah!!"  How can you not like this guy, and this song?  Seriously.

8:47p... Okay, so Bret Michaels is having the best year ever.  I mean, "Rock of Love", "Rock of Love 2", "Skank of Love", "Rock of Love Bus", "Venereal Disease of Love 5" and all those shows, while it make him a punchline of sorts, made him relevant again.  And then, with the Celebrity Apprentice having such a great season this year (and it was awesome) and him doing so well, plus his medical issues--don't get me wrong, I don't wish ill on him at all, but everyone has felt for him, and learned to love him... he can do just about anything right now.

8:50p... Lee DeWyze is out now, joining the band Chicago for a medley of hits.  If I were to even think about fast forwarding, The Lovely Steph Leann would be on the phone with Brad J. Latta, Atty at Law, discussing divorce.  She loves loves loves her some Chicago.  Even the old crap. 

8:52p... Reality hits bigtime, as they start "If You Leave Me Now", and I say, "They sound unfortunate".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Yeah, they sound a little like Hall & Oates.  Maybe Lee should sing the whole time..."

8:54p... Another Simon montage.  Then Seacrest says the magic words... "Pants On The Ground".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Ohmigosh... they are actually doing this song on the stage?  Oh dear..."  They bring out the barely alive Bee Gees, then redeem themselves with Alanis, then a little off-key Hall & Oates, which I still love, and then they go all awesome with Michael McDonald and Bret Michaels.  And now?  The Pants guy... and William Hung.  No joke.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:59p... Remember, we started this at 8pm, and we've got 30 minutes left to get through.  Another Simon montage... and here's Paula the Flake herself, looking absolutely gorgeous for the first time since, I dunno, 1994 and the "Rush Rush" video...

9:02... And now that she's talking, and I remember why I call her "Paula the Flake".  I'd like to think she's stumbling and bumbling because she's not reading from a prompter, but I can almost guarentee that she IS reading from a prompter... and she still sounds like this. 

9:05p... So, I guess the producers said, "Hey, Lee and Crystal can sing... but they have no personality... lucky for us we can concentrate on Simon's leaving and make the finale about that!   Hey, someone call Shady Oakes Retirement Village in Irvine and see if Barry Gibbs and John Oates and that singer from Chicago are available next week!"

9:07p... Here comes Kelly Clarkson!  And then Ruuuuuuben!  And Fantasia!  And then Carrie!  And then Taylor!  And now Jordin!  And now Kris!   Where's David Cook?? 

9:08p... They are doing a song that's something about "look what we've become..." or something.  I'm happy to see Kelly Clarkson here, though she looks like "I really don't want to do this..."  Anyway, the Idol winners are dressed in black, and out walks, in white, a ton of former Idol standouts, like Blake Lewis, David Archuleta, Ace Young, Mikaylah Gordon (okay, I said standout, but I guess anyone can come), Jason Castro, and.... PICKLES!!!  I love Pickles.

9:11p.... "Hey, fellow producer, let's remind America that this show CAN be great!  Let's get a whole bunch of former Idols up there to remind America what we've done!" 

9:12p... Simon gets up, says a few words, and gets misty eyed

Fast forward through commercials

9:13p... The Top 12 start out with "Again" by Janet Jackson, a lovely little ditty that I have on cassette singles.  And of course, here comes Janet... I do love this song.  My favorite Janet songs, starting with 5, is "Escapade"... 4) "Again"... 3) "The Best Things in Life Are Free", a duet with the late, great Luther Vandross from The Dave100 movie "Mo' Money"... 2) "Miss You Much"... and my favorite Janet song is "Love Will Never Do (without you)".  I love that tune.

9:15p... As Janet Jackson sings solo, we have this exchange:
Me: Ya know, she sounds a lot like Michael did towards his end there
The Lovely Steph Leann:  That's exactly what I was thinking!!!  I almost wonder if maybe she was doing his singing...

9:17p... I fast forward for just about 4 seconds before I stop it, realizing she's going to another song... and when I realize its "Nasty", I just set the remote down.  That's right.  Don't call me baby.  Its Janet, Jackson, if you're nasty.

9:20p... Seacrest:  Tonight... its about Lee and Crystal
Me:  No, no its not.  Its about Simon
The Lovely Steph Leann:  Lee who?  Who's Crystal?

9:22p... Lee and Crystal come out together to sing "A Little Help from My Friends", as made famous by The Beatles, but popularized by Joe Cocker on my #2 favorite tv show of all time, "The Wonder Years", recently supplanted from the top spot by "LOST".  And on cue, Joe Cocker comes out to sing a little.  And I think he just missed a line.  But man, he can still wail, even at the ripe old age of 104.

9:25p... After a brief debate on The Beatles version vs Joe Cocker's version, I go to the source.  Wikipedia.  Lennon and McCartney did it in 1967, but Cocker did a radically different version in '68, one that he performed at Woodstock, and it went on to be the version used by "The Wonder Years". 

Fast forward through commercials

Its 9:25p.  There is about 6 minutes left recorded on the show.  We are now concerned that we will miss the winner, unless Seacrest gets to it.

Its 9:27p... Dim the lights!  After the nationwide vote... the winner and new American Idol is...

...is...

...is...

...Lee DeWyze.

Okay, so there's that.

Lee is emotional, and its kinda sweet to see him almost speechless.  They pan to the judges and Simon looks bored, like he knows the wrong person won (and really... after last night, Crystal should have won this)  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He should be bored and ready to leave.  Lee shouldn't have won... that should have been Crystal."

The Lovely Steph Leann is not upset at Lee's win because she doesn't think he's good enough, she's upset at Lee's win because "We needed a female to win.  Suck it." 

And what a fitting phrase to end a disappointing season of Idol.  Suck it.  Well said, The Lovely Steph Leann, well said.

Idol Results and Other Quandries

So Jessica Hawbaker got her bracket in, so she's at 10 points right now with the other leaders. I'll be updating off and on all day tomorrow as the games start.

___________________________________

So, here I am, watching the Idol result show. Am I obsessed? Yeah, probably.

8:02pm... Just watched

8:08pm... Is anyone at the same time intrigued, yet repulsed by Fox's new series "Unanimous"? A bunch of people in the same house, where one person wins $1.5 million dollars if the rest of the group unanimously agrees to give it to them. Wait, did I just agree to like this show? Someone... kill me. Send me Home.

8:09pm... Oh geez. I just watched the first in what will be a series of Ford commercials, featuring all the Idols. Chris was on guitar, in a campfire scene where the cast sings "All I Want" from Toad the Wet Sprocket. Very sad.

8:13pm... Stevie Wonder is now singing a song from his new album "A Time 2 Love". The Idols are on the side clapping along. Is it possible that they were threatened with expulsion if they didn't act like they were having a good time? Of course, I like this better than two seasons ago, when they had special guest judges Ashford & Simpson. I mean, was David Hasselhoff or Peter Frampton really that busy?

8:15pm... "Okay, Idols... I don't care if he belches and farts in the microphone... you clap and cheer like your life depended on it."

8:16pm... The three people who have the lowest number of votes... my guess? Steph's man Ace with the Ace Hair is in the bottom 3.. over Chicken Little.

8:17pm... Ace looks like someone told him "Um, Ace... you're not pretty." The rest of the cast, including the judges, are just stone faced... who knew?

8:19pm... How could Peter Gabriel sell out "Solsbury Hill" for a Cingular commercial? Is there nothing sacred?

Sidebar: So I'm watching the blog counter as I type and refresh--its not going up because I'm refreshing, which means someone is following along as I type this. Its happened a few times. If I truly do have fans out there, besides Jaci who loves me (this I know), you should comment sometime. Unless you think I suck. Then don't come back. =)

8:22pm... Steph's man Ace with the Ace Hair wearing a shirt that says "God Rocked Out". I don't know what to think about that.

8:23pm... Paris is safe (I don't want to like her)... Pickles, looking just adorable, is safe... T-Hicks will live to bend another day... how can Chris not be safe? (he is)... Now to Melissa, who should be in the bottom three...

8:24pm... Now to Eliott Yahmean... one of these is in the bottom three. And I was right--its Melissa. REMEMBER YOUR WORDS, CHICK.

8:24pm... Mandisa is safe (duh)... My Girl McPhee had better be safe... and she is. I didnt want to have to pimpslap someone.

8:24pm... Lisa Turtle and Bucky... Bucky. One will be in the bottom three (I'm guessing Bucky)

8:25pm... AND ITS LISA TURTLE?!?!?!

8:26pm... Ace looks stunned. The judges look stunned. The other safe Idols look stunned. I'm a little surprised that Lisa Turtle is up there.

8:27pm... So, Teen Vogue says that Fox's new show "The Loop" is "...a season must-see". Boy, let me drop what I'm doing now for this show.

8:28pm... Ryan just sent Steph's man Ace with the Ace Hair back to the bleachers to the other Idols.

8:28pm... Yeah, Chicken Little is trying to look mortified that he wasn't in there, but as the self-proclaimed Sex Symbol, he's pretty happy.

8:29pm... And Lisa Turtle is safe. I missed 2/3rds of the bottom three, but I got Melissa's exit exactly right.

8:30pm... When they show any montages of people screwing up, they always play Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". And during her montage, they are playing it now. How funny is this? "Yes, Melissa, our anthem for sucking is your song for leaving".

8:31pm... She's going to sing "Lately" again... will she hope her premontion misses, not her recognition?

8:31pm... Doesn't matter. Fox cut her off to quickly go to "The Loop". Not only did they NEVER show her in the auditions, they don't even give her a proper send off. Thats kinda funny.

_________________________________

I just turned to Vh1. Remember the song "Gonna Make You Sweat", but C&C Music Factory, and that chick that screamed "EVERYBODY DANCE NOW"? She was all thin then. She's biiiiiiig now. I'm just sayin'.

Oh, this is the top dance songs of all time. And Paula Abdul is the host... and she's so reading the cue cards with the total "I'm here, I'm cashing my check, I'm going home and I don't give a rip" face.

If ever there was time to assemble Hal Sparks, Mo Rocca, MIchael Ian Black, Patrice O'Neal and Racheal Harris, it would be for the Best Dance Songs ever, especially since most of them are from the 70s.

________________________________

Just saw a commercial for the new season of Hogan Knows Best, where he's looking at feminine products. You know, the words "Dry Weave" and "Tampax with Pearls" should never come out of some mouths... The Rock. Sammy Jackson. Sean Connery. Hulk Hogan. I'm sad now.

And I'm not sure there has ever been a movie I've wanted to see less than my desire to see "Failure to Launch", with Matt McConaughy and Sarah Jess Parker. Not to mention that I have never thought SJP was even pretty, or even cute, I don't want to see Terry Bradshaw in anything unless he's parodying himself, like in Cannonball Run.

________________________________

Not only is E! Channel showing "101 Celebrity Slimdowns", its being hosted by Carnie Wilson. I weep for this nation.

I'll Be In the Bathroom If You Need Me

My stomach hurts.

Its 1145pm, I just in from work at The Bucks, and my stomach still hurts from lunch. Where, you ask, was lunch? At the nearby Top China Buffet, a place that is slowly earning its place in the elite group of things I like to call the Cindy Howell Circle of Unwanted Desirability--that is, stuff you know will break you, but you feel drawn to it anyway. (Which is one of several human nature hypotheses I've developed from people along the way, joining the Susie Franks Relational Corollary and the Dixon Brock Attraction Theory, but thats for another day)

I like meeting people for lunch, do it all the time. Guys and girls, lunches are good ways to catch up and chat and have fun. In fact, I was supposed to meet my pal Jaci at Top China one of these days. But, I do enjoy eating alone sometimes. Just like going to the movies alone, you don't have to keep up with anyone, talk to anyone, just go, do your thing and leave. I take a book with me, sit and read while I eat.

I hate traditional Chinese food. Now, I do like some Japanese, which I guess could be the same things, depending on your slant on things. Ha! I crack myself up. (no, i'm not going to hell, but a jewel just popped out of my crown for that remark). Yes, I just wrote a column on race, and yes I'm now joking about a Chinese resaturant. All "you're a hypocrite" emails can be sent straight to me, care of...

Top China Buffet is one of those Asian food places where you pay one price, eat all you want. I've been going there about once every two weeks, occassionally more every so often, for a month or two now, and you can add it to Kelly Clarkson, Black Cherry Vanilla Coke, Lost, The Sports Guy, crappy Nic Cage action movies and Cold Case Files on A&E as stuff I'm addicted too. My addiction list runs much further, really, but you get the point.

I had to run up to the church today for a few minutes, so I thought, "before I go, I'll stop and eat me some Top China Buffet." I had planned on having my quiet time first, but I figured I would do that tonight during my break at work (which I did) and today, just take the book I'm reading.

Today, I had waaaay too much sweet & sour chicken, though its not really sweet & sour without the sauce (I just douse it in ketchup), some sesame chicken, some imitation crab salad--which, by the way, I think I like better than real crab meat, green jello and a few other assorted and assundried things. Things that weren't the great for me. Not in the least.

Three weird phenomenons I've noticed in this place--

1) Tons of Mexicans. They love this stuff (should I say "we" love this stuff?). Funny how I've never seen any Chinese people in a Mexican restaurant.

2) The music. Last time I was in there, I heard songs that sounded like The Beach Boys and Celine Dion... except it was in an Oriental language. It was as if someone had translated "My Heart Will Go On" into Mandarin, and begun to sing with the Titanic Soundtrack in the background. I also swear I heard Hasselhoff.

3) Fried crab salad. Its the weirdest darn stuff, but I LOVE IT. Had a heapin' helping of it. Don't know... don't want to know... how they make it.

I actually grabbed some stuff labeled "Bacon Crab Wrap". Didn't look like bacon or crab, but I took some anyway. Took a bite when I got to the table... it was crusty, with some sort of brown paste inside. It wasn't until I went back for seconds (thirds?) that I realized the Bacon Crab Wrap was on the other side, very obvious it was crab wrapped in bacon. Again... don't know... don't want to know... what I was eating at first.

If I were to tell you the result of my lunch and its after effects on me today, the letters "T", "M" and "I" would probably pop in most of your brains (except for the Deuce guys... they'd be proud of me). Well, enough about that. I'm going to grab the book I actually am reading and... well, take some time out for me.

PS... Don't forget--March 5th, the 2006 Academy Awards Running Diary... and Friday, Dave's Weekly Reality Check with this week's American Idol & Survivor