The Idol Eighties

Just rolled up into town from a trip down in Andalusia, Alabama, seeing the family and showing Campbell off to everyone.  I even took my computer with me, thinking I'd have a few free minutes to blog something or another, give you, my fair Coffee Drinkers, something to read and look at, but alas, by the time 1140 rolled around last night, I was tired as a one-armed paper hanger.

That being said, I have much to blog, some funny, some pics, and some personal, but first, we have a little matter of a episode of American Idol to discuss.

Now, I must tell you going into this performance episode, I already know who has been voted out.  The Lovely Steph Leann is in the dark, as she's good at avoiding such info when she needs to not-know, but I managed to see.  It wasn't my fault, though, I wasn't looking for the answer, I just happened to get a message that said "Hannah Armstrong left a message on your timeline", meaning my Facebook wall.  And dear, sweet Hannah, not knowing that I had not seen the episode nor heard anything about it... her message told me exactly what I was avoiding.  So, I know.

We still need to review, though.. so let's get to it. 

CAUSE THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Its 80s night, and we'll be hearing 80s performances as well as 80s duets.  We see a music montage featuring Mr. Mister's "Broken Wings", seeing their sad faces as Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) says goodbye last week, but their determination (and backhanded insult to the others who have said goodbye) by someone saying "Its down to the best of the best".  If only we could get rid of D'Crappensuck... if only.

This week's mentorship, joining Jimmy Iovine, is from Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal from No Doubt. 

D'Crappensuck is first up.  He'll be singing some song from El DeBarge, which means he found something that lets him to his falsetto so annoyingly much.  Gwen Stefani says that D'Crappensuck is the "total package".  Yeah, total package... of CRAP!  Ha!

I don't care if it was good or not, I can't bring myself to start to like anything this kid does.  Heck, even with Obama, I'd give him credit for doing something right (I'm just waiting for that moment), but with D'Crappensuck?  Not so much.  The judges love him, of course. 

Eh.

Randy the Dawg says, "El DeBarge is somewhere saying 'oh my gawd!' from that performance..."  No, Randy the Dawg, El DeBarge is somewhere saying 'oh my gawd' because he's locked up. 

Here comes the much loved Elise Testosterone!  She's doing "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, made famous by Jeff Buckley.  She then tries "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner. 

E-Test sounds good--not great--but good, and does a mature performance with the song.  I think "Hallelujah" would have been a true Idol moment, but when Gwen Stefani tells you "do the Foreigner song", you do the Foreigner song. 

Randy the Dawg calls her out on pitch issues, and Creepy Uncle Steven, who was swaying to the music when the Idol cameras showed him, says it was the wrong song choice.  Really?  And J-Lo gives her the death line... "you look beautiful tonight'.   That sucks. 

Islands in the stream... that is what we are.. no one in between... how
can we be wrong... sail away with me... to another world.. where we
rely on each other... uh-huh.. from one lover to another... uh-huh

DUET TO IT!!  Colton Dixon and Little Skylar Laine bust up on Kenny & Dolly's immortal "Islands in the Stream", a song that, as corny as it is, you just cannot help but like.  I think everyone likes this song... Bill Clinton.  James Hetfield.  Brad Latta.  Courtney Love.  Barry Manilow.  They all love this song.  Who doesn't? 

Since country is her forte, Little Skylar Laine does better in this than Colton Dixon, but its admirable that she doesn't just blow it out and show him up. 

And Seacrusty, that drama starter, makes a comment about the "strong chemistry" up on stage, while Colton gives him the death look of death.

And now, let's hear it for Phillip2, and he'll be singing "That's All" by Genesis, and in rehearsal, he looks not only terrible, but also like he's in pain.  Gwen Stefani says the same, that maybe he wasn't quite getting there... though she does feel like he'll be in the "top tops" eventually.

Me: Did she just say "top tops"?
The Lovely Steph Leann:  That's what she said.

As for Phillip2, it was good.  Again, not great, but good.  I like the original, and I get a kick out of how Phillip2 eats the mic John Mayer style, but this was just decent. 

The judges loved him.

That's all.

DUET TO IT!

So, what's better than one appearance from D'Crappensuck!?  TWO, count 'em, TWO SONGS by D'Crappensuck!  That's right!  Appearing with Hollie Cav, they are set to butcher sing The Pointer Sister's "I'm So Excited".

All I can say is, as a child of the 80s, I cannot hear this song without thinking of Jessie Spano singing this to Zack Morris when he tries to take away her caffeine pills. 

When asked about the performances so far, J-Lo says, "I loved D'Crappensuck!"  When this guy goes, she might just kill herself, live, on-air.  Seriously.  Randy the Dawg then asks the question, "I wanna know, who's got to have IT tonight?!"

The answer?

R&B Crooner Joshua Lidet is singing one of those songs that I don't care for, Simply Red's "If You Don't Know Me By Now"... personally, if I'm talking Simply Red, you should check out "Sunrise".  Great song, great sample of Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That (no can do)"

By the way, I remember listening to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 back in like, 1987, when Simply Red was in their heyday... apparently, they were called "Red", but as they were going on stage, the guy introduced them as "Red Simply Red" due to a miscommunication.  Frontman, and red haired Mick Hucknall, whispered loudly, "No, its Red!  Just simply Red!" and the MC says, "Okay... Simply Red!".  There ya go. 

I like Joshua Lidet, but he kinda sounds exactly the same from week to week.  Great voice, great style, but nothing new. 

The judges loved it, of course.

Jessica Sanchez is taking on her second pre-crack Whitney song of the season, this time being "How Will I Know". 

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I'm glad she's not singing 'I Wanna Dance With Somebody', that song is overused."

J-Sanch kicks off the song a little shaky, but then digs in and sounds great.  Like usual.

Okay, so I wanna be the guy who sets up the background images for the performances. No joke, there is an image of a cassette tape in the background with the word "CASSETTE" written on it.

Me: So, they have to spell out that its a cassette?  Are these kids that ignorant?
The Lovely Steph Leann:  What do cassette tapes have to do with "How Will I Know"?

The judges loved it, of course.

RANDOM NOTE... So the two people who wrote the song "Waiting for a Star to Fall", Shannan Rubicam and George Merrill, also known as the duo Boy Meets Girl, wrote "How Will I Know" AND "I Wanna Dance With Somebody".  Now you know.

DUET TO IT!!  Because Idol can't get enough of Stevie Nicks,we've got Elise Testosterone playing Stevie to Phillip2's Tom Petty on "Stop Dragging My Heart Around".  They both have perfect voices for this, and truly, that was a great version of this song.  E-Test really shone, and helped picked up Phillip2's slight slack on the song.  Good times!

No Hollie!  No ma'am!  Don't do this!  Jennife Beals
barely pulls it off...

Here comes Hollie Cav, and she'll be doing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling... Flashdance".  Now, I hope that they don't do a bucket of water poured onto Hollie Cav as she leans over a chair, as you see her silhouette... since Hollie Cav is so young, that would be creepy.

BUT... if she wore leg warmers and the sweatshirt that had the collar cut out and draped off her shoulders, that would be seven shades of AWESOME.

I think Hollie Cavanaugh sang it decently well... but she didn't seem to ever get into it.  The judges agree with me on that.  However, after hearing all three judges pile on, I think she was better than they gave her credit for.  This could be bad for Hollie Cav. 

DUET TO IT!!  Seacrusty asks us if we'd ever wondered what it would sound like if Joshua Lidet and J-Sanch teamed up... on my way back from South Alabama, I spent over an hour wondering that very thing!  Thank you, Seacrusty!!

They are doing the Aretha Franklin/George Michael mega-hit from the late 80s called "I Knew You Were Waiting".  I used to love the foo' out of this song, spending a few months atop my mental Favorite Songs list... it was followed by Chicago's "Will You Still Love Me", strangely enough, which spent a few weeks atop my mental Favorite Songs list.  Don't ask me how I remember that. 

Anyway, good duet by J-Lid and J-Sanch.

The judges loved it, of course.

I think that we should invent a drinking game, where every time Randy the Dawg tells us he worked on a song or worked with (name drop here), you take a shot.  You'd be eligible for Al-Anon by 38 minutes into the show.

Colton Dixon is doing a song that made The Lovely Steph Leann say, "YES!"... the song that makes Tony Kanal and Gwen Stefani say, "every time we sit and write a song, we want to write this song... we wished we had written this song"... the song that I considered one of my favorites of all time, Top 100 definitely, and one of the most beautiful covers I've ever heard by Nichole Nordeman...

Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time". 

I think I like this performance, but being Colton Dixon, I really wanted to like it more.  I think the fact he keeps singing "Time After Tie" bugs me, and I'm not sure I like the sped up arrangement of it all. 

The judges are going nuts, though, and I guess with Colton Dixon, that's okay. 

Finally, in the Pimp Spot, its Little Skylar Laine, and she's doing some cheese with "The Wind Beneath My Wings" from Bette Midler, featured in the movie "Beaches".  Great movie.  I shed one single tear as I watched it, though that might have been my subconscious trying to show Ginny Kochen that I was a sensitive guy as we watched it with Miranda Bryant, Bobby Black and Mandy Stewart in Miranda's & Mandy's 4th floor room in Shackelford Hall back in like, October 1993.  Ginny and I only went out once.  Taught me a lesson, that being, "Even though girls say they want the flowers and romance and such, they really don't want it until well into a dating relationship, lest they think you are coming on too strong and might be a little creepy."  There's a story there, I tell ya.

Anyway, Little Skylar Laine just killed that song.  I mean, made it her biz-nitch, pardon my Frez-nench. Personally, it was the best solo performance of the night, and I think it was not just the voice, but also the country arrangement. 

My list, from first to worst, of performances: 
Colton & Skylar's "Islands in the Stream"...  Little Skylar Laine's "Wind Beneath My Wings"... E-Test & P2's "Stop Dragging My Heart Around"...  Phillip2's "That's All"... Colton Dixon's "Time After Time"... Joshua & J-Sanch's "I Knew You Were Waiting"... Elise Testosterone's "I Wanna Know What Love Is"... J-Sanch's "How Will I Know"... Joshua Lidet's "If You Don't Know Me By Now"... Hollie Cav's "What a Feeling... Flashdance"... That crap from D'Crappensuck, where he sucked Hollie Cav down into his crappiness... That crap from D'Crappensuck by himself...

A B@d Movie Trio

For whatever reason, I have a habit of sitting through bad movies.  Well, to back up and qualify that statement, I do like some bad movies...

I guess I call a "bad movie" as a movie that really... well, really isn't very good.  Maybe the movie is kinda dumb, maybe the plot is a little thin or inane or even stupid, maybe the acting or effects are pretty crappy... but sometimes, bad movies are fun.   As a matter of fact, as I type this, "Couples Retreat" is on.  Want to talk about bad?  Its stupid, the premise is ridiculous, but the movie itself is fun.  I'm fond of Malin Akerman, I enjoy Vince Vaughn and though its silly, its a good background movie--just turn it on, and go about your business at The Cabana.

Other movies that I watch frequently, even though most would consider them "bad"?  Dane Cook's "Employee of the Month"... "Four Christmases" with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn... "Leap Year" with Amy Adams (whom I'm in love with)... and I do enjoy "Grown Ups" with Adam Sandler and Kevin James.  All bad movies, all movies I can watch again and again.  And have.

There's a difference in "bad" and "Craptastic".  The former is described above, the latter is the same as bad, but with action, explosions, F-bombs   Like, "Con Air"... craptastic.  "Broken Arrow" with Travolta... craptastic.  "The Expendables"... perhaps the most craptastic, nay, craptacular movie ever made. 

So yes, there are good bad movies. 

Then... there are bad, bad movies.

And I saw three of them over the last few days... and I want to share my misery with you.  Of course, you will ask me, "d$, why watch such tripe, why put yourself through the torture of these moronic film ventures?"  My answer?  I just don't know.  I dunno.  Most of the time, when I invest 45 minutes into a movie, I just want to see it to its completion... and sometimes, I know its going to be such a bad film, it might be worth a blog. 

And here we are.

I've never seen "Traffic", but I hope that Erika
Christensen is better

First, let's talk about "Swimf@n"... 2002, its this story of this high school kid named Ben, played by Jesse Bradford, who is dating Amy (Shiri Appleby), but has a fling with Madison (Erika Christensen).  Well, Ben feels bad, but Madison is obsessed with him, and does everything she can to foul up his life so they can be together. 

All three leads in this movie are giving performances akin to making lemonade out of rotten lemons.   I feel like if you took the movie "Fatal Attraction", a far superior film", then sprinkled in Zack Morris and the gang, shook it all up, threw it some foul language and dark, moody scenery and then peed all over it, you'd get this movie.  It was kinda fun that it took place in 2002, before Facebook and MySpace took hold, when we were still AOL'ing it.  Well, no, that wasn't fun either.  This movie was bad.

I also giggle at the pretention of this film by using the "@" for the "a" in "Swimfan"... Madison is a fan of Ben, who is a swimmer.. she's a "Swim" "Fan"... get it?  And some of this movie takes place online, so hence, the "@" part... clever huh?  Yeah.  Its that bad.

Next, here's a movie called "Troll".  Because this movie was so bad, I ended up jumping onto Wikipedia to read about it and discovered that some critics call it "The Worst Movie Ever Made".   Now, I feel like I've seen worse (keep reading this post), but I can see where that argument would have some validity.

See that green ring?  It holds the Troll Power.  It comes
back later this summer in that Ryan Reynolds movie.

It stars a couple of no-names, but also this kid named Noah Hathaway--he is Atreyu from "The Neverending Story", a film that is pretty bad itself, but one that we tend to romanticize about how good it was because we all loved it when we were kids--anyway, Noah plays "Harry Potter".  No, that's not a joke.

As a matter of fact, the director, John Carl Buechler, was pretty unhappy when a few years later, some chick named J.K. Rowling used the name "Harry Potter" for a book she was writing.  Rowling claims she made up the name, and that its similiarity is coincidental.  Buechler says he thinks she stole it.   The guy who went on to direct "Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood" and "Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go to College", and is directing the upcoming "Troll" remake.  That guy. 

Back to the movie... its... its so bad.  This family moves into this house, and the little girl, sorta like Carole Anne from "Poltergeist", goes to the basement and sees this troll, who possesses her and then makes her go around the building and possess other people, including a horrible Sonny Bono, and has run-ins with people like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, in a pre-"Christmas Vacation" and "Seinfeld" role, which was also bad. 

The trolls are terrible, like costumes you could buy at The Spirit of Halloween on clearance day, and the effects are even worse.  And the dialogue is just bad, so, so bad.   The ending is just awful, and after it was over, I was actually happy.  I was happy it was done.  I could have turned it, but I wanted to see it through, and I did.

Finally, I flipped on the MGM Channel, and there was this random movie called "Motel Hell".  Rather than giving you my own description, let me just tell you what Wiki has as the plot:

When your terrible movie poster is the best
thing about your film, your film does indeed
have problems

Farmer Vincent Smith (Rory Calhoun) and his younger sister Ida (Nancy Parsons) live on a farm with a motel attached. It's called Motel Hello, but the O on the sign constantly flicks on and off. Vincent makes smoked meats said to be the most delicious in the surrounding area. Vincent's secret is human flesh, and Vincent has the areas around his isolated motel strewn with various booby traps to catch victims. The victims are placed in a 'secret garden' where they are buried up to their necks and have their vocal cords cut so they cannot scream; Vincent keeps them in the ground, feeding them special food, until they are ready and then kills them.

Its worse than it sounds.  I think I ended up watching it because there really was nothing on, and I was completely enthralled and fascinated by how utterly atrocious this entire movie was.  Farmer Vincent ends up falling for a chick who doesnt know his little secret, and the love grows until Ida gets jealous and it all goes bad and the chick's old boyfriend, who is the sheriff, shows up and it all goes bad for everyone and so on and so on and it actually is a thousand times worse than I'm even making it out to be.

And get this... at the end, the sign that says "MOTEL HELLO"... the "O" on the sign shorts out, and the film ends with the sign just saying "MOTEL HELL".  Get it?  Clever, huh?  Yeah.  Its that bad. 

Two notes... first, this film does have John Ratzenberger (his role after his epic turn in "The Empire Strikes Back").. and secondly, its got Rory Calhoun as its star, who later went on to star in my 133rd favorite film of all time, "Pure Country".  But neither Cliff Claven nor Rory can save this piece of poop.

PS... wanna see a good movie... no, a great, great movie?  Check out "Out of Sight" with George Clooney, Ving Rhames and Jennifer Lopez, before she sucked.  Its smart, its a sexy movie and its just plain cool... its my 30th favorite film of all time. 

Summer of Blogging, Day Eleven

The Idol Final Four

Funny... I go a week without blogging, the I post twice in 12 hours. Anyway, iIn case you missed it, the review of Spiderman 3, among other things, was posted on Monday so just scroll down!

Before we begin, let me say a quick Happy Birthday to my favorite Funk, that being Sammy Funkhauser... I actually got to meet her the other night. Could she have been any cuter and Funky? Don't think so.

IT'S IDOL TIME!!!!!

Tonight's guest "mentor" is Barry Gibb, that of the Bee Gees. That's one of those groups that, no matter your taste in music, you probably like or at least think some of their songs are fun... classic are "Staying Alive" (which makes you want to do the finger pointing up and down), "More Than a Woman" (used in a disturbing robot-Ally Sheedy love dance scene in Short Circuit), "How Do You Mend a Broken Heart (the Al Green version is far, far superior) and "Islands in the Stream" (the Dolly Parton/Kenny Rogers version is, again, far superior).

In case you didn't figure it out, with four, they each do two songs tonight, and yes, they're doing the Bee Gees collection.

For her first song, Mindy Doo is doing something called "Love You Inside and Out", though I'm not sure I know this one. Actually... I do know this, only I'm familiar with the Feist version heard at Starbucks. Its a hip song, really, that sounds like it could have been from the 70s. And guess what? It is! I rule.

It's actually pretty good, and suprisingly, Mindy looks really cool and not frumpy tonight. I'm going to download this song from iTunes tonight, I think.

Randy says "another solid performance", while Paula finds it hard to critique Mindy. So, here's the sunshine. Blow away. As for Simon, he wasn't impressed by it--he said she sounded like a back-up singer vocal (Mindy is a former backup singer)

Blake's first song is "You Should Be Dancing", which is quite a fun song... very, very 70s. And he's going back to what he does best, beatboxing. It killed last week, let's see this week...

Right out of the gate, he's got his falsetto on, he's got his moves, and he's tossing in the beatbox. Once again, not just a song, a performance. I think the one problem with a Blake Lewis album is that you don't want to hear him... you want to hear AND see him. Only hearing him is just no fun.

Randy didn't like the beatbox at all, saying it was corny tonight. Paula said he was "pitchy" (which is funny, because she was standing up clapping). Simon says "unique", but thought it was absolutely terrible. Humph. I liked it.

LaKisha is actually busting out with "Staying Alive"... a chick doing a song made famous by a dude who sang it like a chick. Hmmm...

So Kiki is putting some Soul Glo on Bee Gees. Wow... I think its pretty good. And, it actually helped me decipher some of those words in the first verse.

Randy didn't like it. Paula didn't like it. Simon says "no kiss tonight", calling it almost scary.

Up next is Your Next American Idol, Jordin Sparks. She's singing a song called "To Love Somebody", which was originally done by Nina Simone, but made famous by The Bee Gees, and then brought back by the legendary Michael Bolton in the 90s.

If there's a chance to impress, its this song, because its not a song done by a guy in falsetto, its a song originally done by a soulful jazz singer. Strange... I've heard all versions, but can only think of Michael Bolton.

Randy says it was the best vocal so far (which is not alot, because no judge has really liked anything). Paula agrees. Simon agrees.

Before we get to the second set of songs, can I just say how hard this much be? I mean, two black chicks, a mixed chick and a white dude who likes to beatbox black are trying to cover songs that were made famous by a very white band who sang it such high pitches that you'd think there were crotch vises installed. Bad times.

As guilty-pleasure inducing as "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" might be, it makes me angry that trife like that would still be on the air, and "Drive" was yanked due to low ratings. Again, bad times.

Mindy Doo is doing "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart", which, as stated before, is better when Al Green is singing it. When that song comes in in Notting Hill, my favorite chick-flick of all time, its magic.

She's doing a good job with it... which leads me to recognize this really is a good song. I mean, really. And hard to sing. The "sha-la-la"s alone would kill me--or you, if you were listening to me.

Mindy ends with the big, big notes that draw huge applause. Randy liked it alot. Paula liked the vocal too. I'm not really sure what Paula just said... and Simon says "Melinda, you don't understand a word of what Paula just said, do you?". He then adds "The second half of that song put you into the semi-finals."

Blake is singing another song I'm not sure I've ever heard. It's called "This is Where I Came In". Barry Gibb is very proud, because its an obscure song, and he says "maybe it can be a hit... its been waiting to be discovered".

You know, if I wore a vest to Samson High like Blake is wearing, Drew King and Shane Gillis probably would have beaten me up. I've noticed the voice flutter that he added to the song in the video with he and Barry Gibb has now been taken out--possibly due to the harsh... never mind. He just added it back.

Randy says "This is better, but still not the best... you don't have to beatbox every time. We know you can do it. It gets old". There it is. Paula is just rambling. Simon thought the song was completely tuneless, and that Blake has not had a very good night.

In the random D-list celebrity department, Judge Judy is in the audience. What show is she plugging? We know thats why celebrities appear on American Idol.

LaKisha is singing "Run To Me", which is not the same as Whitney's immortal "Run To You". Or Bryan Adams adultary anthem "Run To You". Or Del Amitri's "Roll To Me". Or Solomon Burke's classic "Cry To Me". Or Collective Soul's "Run". (I'm playing this fun game because this song is totally boring, and I'm trying not to stick my iPod charger in my eye).

Randy, Paula and Simon all say it was better than the first, and Simon adds "LaKisha, you and Blake are vunerable tonight".

Random--I have four versions of "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" on my iPod. Why? I don't know. Jewel, Burl Ives, Ella Fitzgerald and... Mickey Mouse. My life is sad.

Another random note--The Mac and PC commercials starring Justin Long might be the best ad series on tv that doesn't involve a Caveman.

Jordin is doing a Barbra Streisand/Bee Gee tune called "Woman in Love". Oh Barbra. Steph loves her. We can't all have good taste, I guess.

Wow, Jordin is good looking. Seriously. Seventeeen yes... 16? Still.

Randy says "pitchy", but gives props to Barry Gibb for having good songs. Paula only kinda liked it. Simon says it was "pageanty". And they are totally running out of time, as Ryan is speeding through the information.

After turning off the tape and rewinding, the channel is on E!. And the Saved By The Bell: E! True Hollywood Story is on. Did you that Screech is on Vh1's Celebrity Fit Club? I need to go to bed.

American Idol Reviews

Well, here I am on my second day off (can I say I love my schedule...) and I'm watching the chicks on American Idol. The judges are talking... and they are doing inside scoops on the girls (again).

My Girl McPhee is up first. She's Pickler's roommate, which is fun. I wonder if Daughtry and Hicks are roomdawgs too. Anyway, she looks frumpy in her outfit, but her hair is fabulous. She's singing a Stevie Wonder song, I think, and not doing too bad. Go Kat!! Randy said it was a little safe, but just okay. Paula agrees with Randy. Simon says "Don't just be in your own world. Its forgettable." Paula shouted out "you're still a star!"

Kinnik Sky is next. She's singing Gretchen Wilson's "Here for the Party". Mind you, Gretchen is country. And Kinnik is black. I love the risk. Not the singing, mind you. I don't know how much longer she's gonna remain in the competition. Randy and Paula were nice about not liking it. Simon gave props for the risk, but that it sounded like a theme park performance. I'd agree.

And now we get to Lisa, the love child of Lisa Turtle and Sarah from "Head of the Class". Since her song is just average, and I'm not enthralled, I'll take the time to tell you that there is another Lisa Tucker out there--but there is a definate difference in the two. Can I just say I was bored during that song? It was a Jackson Five song. Randy says "eehh", Paula loved it, using words like "amazing" and "you're a star" and "all the way" and such. Simon advised to be smart about her song choices, but that she'd sail through.

Melissa McGhee is next. I'm sure she's nice, but I couldn't pick her out of ten Starbucks customers to be honest with you. And she's trying to sing Reba. Does she not realize only like, nine people in the world can effectively sing Reba? She's not one of them. I remember going to a karaoke bar in college, and there was this nine year old chick (not making this up) who just went crazy on it. She's one of the nine. Not Melissa McGhee--gosh, what if its the same chick? Weird. Randy said "that song fit you--it was hot!". Paula used the "coming out of your shell" comment. Simon says "wrong song... for some reason, you aren't making a connection with the audience." I'll tell you why--because we've seen Melissa only TWICE, like, EVER. They didn't show her practically at all during the auditions. That's why she WILL NOT be in the top 12.

Heather Cox is singing "Hero" by Mariah Carey. Like I said last week, she hasn't given me a reason to really like her. Unlike My Girl McPhee, Mandisa or Pickles, she doesn't have the charm. Unlike Lisa Turtle or Paris, she doesnt have the voice. Unlike Ayla Brown, she's not a "long shot underdog story". At least I dont think she's an annoying gnat, like Brenna. And the song was... ehh. Just okay. Paula says "You improved. BUT... you're not Mariah." Randy agreed. Simon agreed with both Randy and Paula.

I thought I felt a bowel movement coming. No... its just Brenna Gethers. And she's singing Donna Summers "Last Dance." Why!? WHY GOD WHY?? WHY does she have to butcher a likable song? Why can't she butcher Barbra Streisand or something? "Brenna" and "sexy" go together like "John Kerry" and "backbone". And she's killing an absolutely fabulous song. Paula says "where's the magic?", and Brenna says "I think America loved it, and it will reflect in the votes." Randy is laughing at her. And Simon says "Change 'Dance' to 'Chance'. You just murdered a Donna Summer song like a guy in a cruise ship bar." She actually thinks she did well. I will now clip my toenails with a weedwhacker.

Paris Bennett. I don't want to like Paris, I don't want to like Paris, I don't want to like Paris, I don't want to like Paris, I don't want to like Paris... she's singing "Wind Beneath My Wings". She's not Bette, but she's doing it some justice. She's so friggin' squeaky. Paula nicely said "let's see the fun". Randy says "don't play it safe, ever". Simon says "Don't sound 50." I don't want to like Paris. I don't want to like Paris. I don't want to like Paris.

Ayla Brown is the chick who is playing basketball at Boston College, and also on the show. I've grown to like her, in a Jennifer Herndon sort of way. She's singing Celine Dion tonight. And she's nailing it. Paula loved it. Randy said he was surprised, but he really liked it. Simon says "you're working so hard, and you can see it."

Sidebar: Can someone just sing a song because "Well... I just like that song", not for a grandmother, or an aunt with cancer, or my brother sang this to me in our room before he died of a degenerative knee condition or something. Geez.

And now, its time for Pickles! I just love me some Kellie Pickler. She's singing Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About", which to me, fits her like a glove. Maybe thats too safe. Paula really enjoyed it. Randy says "we got a hot one!" No kidding. Simon says "You can't help but like you". No kidding. Especially in that halter top. Um... who's next?

Finally, Mandisa's up in the hizzy. She just told us about DogJaw. I'll let that slide. I like this chick too. She's singing "Cry" by Faith Hill. I'm not a fan of the original, to be honest, so she doesnt have to do much to improve on it for me. She is a little spotty in her notes, though. Paula said "You're adding your own flavor". Randy "a little pitchy, but it was cool." Simon didn't like her look, but agreed with Randy.

I'm guessing Heather Cox or Melissa McGhee is going home... though I'd throw them both in to chunk Brenna.

Next up... let's hear the guys sing.

Taylor Hicks is singing first, doing "Easy" by Lionel Richie & the Commodores. Careful now... great, tough song. I love watching this guy sing... its one of those "doesn't matter how he sounds, he just looks fun" kind of things, only he can sing. He did the song justice. Lots of "woos" and such. Randy says "not my best choice, but I like you", as did Paula. Simon has never liked T-Hicks, and says "watching it back, you'll think it was average." I liked it.

So Elliott Yamin pronounces his name "Yah-mean", like Joaquin pronounces his name "Wah-keen". So, Elliott Yahmean is singing a song I've never heard. Not too bad, though. I call it now, though... Elliott Yahmean DOES NOT win American Idol. Mark it down. Randy and Paula freakin' loved him--AGAIN. Simon loved it too.

Steph's man Ace Young is singing "If I'm Not Made For You" by Daniel Beddingmen. No wonder Steph likes him... she loves that song. Ace just admitted that he saw Beddingmen in concert... not with his girl, not with his mom, not with a female pal... but with his BROTHER. That's pretty Brokeback. Again, I love My Girl McPhee and Pickles... Steph loves Ace with the Ace Hair. He's doing the falsettos decently well, but I still think this song is crap. Randy liked it. "You sing better than you let on..." is what he said. What does that mean? If you're in American Idol, shouldn't you sing as best you can? Paula liked it. Simon says "you struggled... and you're going to be disappointed when you hear it back."

Gedeon McKinney is on stage now, singing Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come", which is a tough sell. I like Gedeon, though. He's got a George Huff charm about him. And the song is great. He did really, really well. Randy and Paula both liked lots. Simon said that Gedeon's soulful sound was brilliant. And it was.

Chicken Little is singing "Heard It Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye. Interesting. He just gave a very disturbing interview about being a sex symbol. Randy and Paula just love him... somehow, I can see him making out with Heather Cox on Beauty & the Geek. Simon said "if I heard you on the radio, I'd turn it off". I agree. Apparently Paris calls him Chicken Little. I don't want to like Paris, I don't want to like Paris.

Here comes Sway. Another Stevie Wonder song, "Overjoyed". He wore the pimp hat last week. No pimp hat this week... I think I saw him at Moe's on Monday, serving up my John Coctostan. He's actually singing the song well--its a great song. Randy says "It wasn't good for me", and Paula says "you seem disconnected". That shows how much I know about music... I liked it. Simon says "This is how not to do well on this show. Its karaoke." Wow. They ripped him.

Here comes Jon Peter Lewis Version 2.0, singing Kenny Rogers "Lady". What? Kenny Rogers? He just said "it was really cool to meet Justin Guarini." What? Randy didn't really like JPLV2.0, while Paula says "too safe, a little bland". Simon says "it was like a broadway audition... you're target audience is 11 year old girls."

Its Bucky. Bucky singing Garth Brooks. Bucky singing Garth Brooks "The Thunder Rolls". A song about a woman who is cheated on, so she shoots her husband as he comes in late smelling like perfume. A crime you might see on Cops, with Bucky wearing a wife beater, whizzing in the bushes. Randy liked the Dirrty South Representation, while Paula loved the hits on the notes. Simon likes Bucky's sincerity, though he seems like a "supporting act" to the bigger stars on the show. I can see that. Bucky.

David Radford is singing now, or John Stevens II: John Stevener. He's singing Sinatra's "The Way You Look Tonight" and getting nowhere close. Stephanie really like him too. I see him singing at a frat party, swooning the girls, only to have those same girls actually go home with the cuter party boys, leaving Radford with the drunk chick to drive home. Randy, Paula, Simon and I were all bored.

After fast forwarding through the preview for Fox's new show "Free Ride" about 23,499 times over the last two weeks, I actually watched the commercial. And it looked funny.

And for the finale... here comes Chris Daughtry. He's doing Fuel's "Hemorrhage" and doing it well. Bucky is in the back, rocking along. Bucky. As for Chris... HE FREAKIN' NAILED IT. The whole place erupted when he finished, Randy just said that he could be right on the charts with Audioslave and Incubus, and Paula said "Amazing". Simon said "out of all the performances... remember this guys (looking at the guys on the balcony)... this was the only one that really stood out."

I'll be honest... after last week and this week, Daughtry moves ahead of T-Hicks as my favorite buy on the show. I think I'd like to hang out with T-Hicks, but Chris is bringing the rock.

I'll be at a banquet tonight, so I wont get to see the Idol results until late, or even tomorrow, so I'll just comment later.

Entertainment Weekly said it best: "Riddle me this: Is there a single Idol viewer who'd have objected if the show's producers had eliminated David, Sway, Will, and Bucky in a single swoop and allowed Chris to rock out with a five-song mini-concert?"

My vote is for the mini-concert.

Dave's Reality Check I: Idol Chicks

So, its Thursday afternoon... I am now watching American Idol from Tuesday night, when the girls competed.

I'll type as I watch each contestant. When I'm done, I'll post this, then watch the guys, post it, then watch the Idols results show... and then post. Whats a blog site for?

And here we go...

• Mandisa, singing "Never", an 80s rock song from Heart. Channeling Nancy Wilson, not too bad. Little over the top, I think. Randy liked the performance, Paula loved her, Simon likes Mandisa

Man, I hate the number motions when they talk to Ryan. Ryan says "866-IDOLS-02" and whoever is there does the "O" and the "2" with their fingers.

• Kellie Pickler, "How Far" by Martina McBride. Nice pipes. Rough here and there. You can tell she's nervous as crap. Her twang is coming through the song, which is kinda funny. Another rough spot. Yikes. Randy said she did okay, Paula did the whole "you didn't do well, so I'll talk about how great YOU are", and Simon repeated Paula. But when she's talking to Ryan, telling a story of her gramps, how can you not like her?
• Becky O'Donohue (who? oh yeah, the model looking chick with the sick twin sister), "Because the Night", Patti Smith (though she might be going for the 10,000 Maniacs version...). She's trying to rock out, but she looks like she's going to eat the microphone. Good show, bad ending. Randy likes her. Paula says so-so. Simon says "better than he expected" but "you aren't good enough".

By the way, all the contestants are up on the balcony watching, clapping and grooving... you know they are all secretly wanting whoever is singing to totally fall on their face.

• Ayla Brown, the basketball girl, singing "Reflections" by Christina Aguilera. Tough song. Ayla is kinda pretty, in a Jennifer Herndon sort of way. Sings pretty decently. There's just nothing special about her. Randy and Paula like her. Simon did too.
• Paris Bennett, who went Billie Holliday on the auditions and dominated. She's singing "Midnight Train to Georgia" by Gladys Knight and the Pips. She's got a great voice, but there's something totally annoying about her. Maybe its that she's what, 9? Her hair is even like Gladys Knight. I have this Fantasia fear about her... she'll only get better, she'll make the final two against someone who shouldn't be there, win the whole thing, and I'll dislike her the entire spring, making my 14 weeks invested in this crap wasted time. And the judges absolutely love her, just like Fantasia. Well, shoot me now. And unlike Fantasia, she seems nice... I'm afraid I might actually like Paris before its over. Darn it!!
• Stevie Scott, "To Where You Are", an opera song. She sings in French, Italian, German, Latin and English. And she looks like a popsicle stick with eyes. And I call it right now... she's going home. I actually just went and did the laundry while she was singing--there is just nothing about this girl that interests me. Randy was bored. Simon was bored ("horrible child singing"). Paula said she liked it. Poor girl, smiling while Ryan's talking, though you can tell she's fighting back tears.
• Brenna Gethers, "Sunshine of My Life". Can I tell you how much I don't like this girl? With Paris, she's just kind of annoying. With Brenna, its attitude. I can't tell you how much I want this chick to puke on herself on national tv. She's not starting too great, either. Just fast-forwarded through it. Don't even want to see her. Randy says "eh". Paula says "okay". Simon says "horrible". Good for him. She's posing. I'm sticking bamboo shoots in my fingernails.

That commercial just came on, where the chick says "I'll call you later" and the guy waits for several days before she does. I love the song behind it... "good to hear your voice, you know its been so long". Who sings it? I dont know!

• Heather Cox, "When You Tell Me You Love Me" by Vonzell Solomon (last year's AI). She looks like someone, I just don't know who. I don't know how I feel about Heather Cox... I want to like her, I just don't have a reason yet. Her voice is eh. I like watching her sing, but thats not just because she's borderline cute. Randy was unimpressed. Paula was unimpressed. Simon says she was forgettable.
• Melissa McGhee, "When the Lights Go Down" by Faith Hill. Who is this chick? Like Heather Cox, I want to like her, there's just nothing about her (yet) that I do like about her. Voice is cracking. A few bad notes. I didn't like it. Randy says "you worked it out". Paula says "shining moment". Simon says "good, but not very memorable." She admits that this is the first time Idol has shown her at all--which means nothing good.
• Lisa Turtle, "I Am Changing" by Jenn Holliday. Actually she's Lisa Tucker, but if Saved By The Bells' Lisa had a love child with the chick that played Sarah on Head of the Class, she would be it. So Lisa Turtle is doing her thing... I REALLY like this chick. And she just kicked that song all over the place. Rock. On. Lisa. Turtle. She's so cute for 12 years old, with her 1988 Whitney Houston haircut. And the judges love her.
• Kinnik Sky, "Get Here" by Oleta Adams. I know nothing about this girl, but I do love this song, so lets see what she does with it.... she just sang it. Kinnik just won me over. A little overdone at the end, but very, very good. And thats a hard song to belt it on. And she LOOKS so amazing and classy. Randy says "so-so". Paula loved it. Simon says "cabaret". I liked it, darn it.
• And finally, My Girl Katie McPhee! Singing "Since I Fell For You", by (ugh) Barbra Streisand. Sing too many Babs songs, Katie, and you'll fall below Lisa Turtle on my radar. Oh, she's bringing it, ain't she? Go girl. Her voice is solid, but she's almost afraid to look sultry, which is what this song requires. Its like a subdued Steph Nipp singing Santa Baby a few years ago. My Girl McPhee did it, though. Randy really liked it. Paula says "You might go all the way". Simon says "You were the best tonight". I agree.

Going home? I'd say Heather, Becky, Kinnik or Stevie. Now... I'll watch the guys.