Time, Love and Tenderness: The Michael Bolton List

I started to talk about my fandom of early Michael Bolton last week, but decided it was too much to squeeze into a two paragraph sidebar amongst an Idol recap... so, here is my "Mike Bolton Post" as promised... Did you know that The Bolt released a total of FIVE albums, starting in 1975 with his self titled debut "Michael Bolotin" (his real name), before hitting it big with his 6th release, "Soul Provider"?  My man has been around awhile... and you might think this entire post is in jest, is making fun... and you might be right, partly.  But honestly?  I dig Bolton, ever since I remember him really hitting it big in the late 80s.  I'm old enough to admit it without shame.  So, I nod my head to The Bolt and say, "Good job".

So here we go... my own personal Bolton Top Ten...

Honorable Mention... 

"Don't Make Me Wait for Love"... I couldn't officially list this as one of my favorite Bolton tunes, because technically, its a Kenny G song.  Kenny G did this with a dude named Lenny Williams on his 1987 album "Duotones", but recorded another version of it with Michael Bolton for Kenny G's live album, appropriately titled "Kenny G Live!", in 1989.  Personally, I like the Lenny Williams version better, if only because the video is so frakkin' ridiculous (and never shows Lenny at all, its just Kenny G running around looking all curly headed, macking on all his chicks).  

When Kenny G plays his sax on the porch, the Unintentional Comedy 
Scale blows through the roof.

10) "When a Man Loves a Woman"... For my money, there's nothing better than when Michael Bolton sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."  I celebrate his entire catalogue.  

Do you own this album?  No?  You should.

9) "When I'm Back on My Feet Again"... Sometimes we all need a little inspiration, and Track #7 on "Soul Provider" provides just that.  It's not necessarily a song about love, though it could be.  Its about a tragedy, one that knocks you down, one that puts your butt on the floor, one that rocks your world, nay, turns it upside down, inside out and back over again.  And this song centers on how you deal with that tragedy... a promise of, "One day..."   As in, one day, I'm going to break these chains around me.  One day, I'm going to learn how to fly again.  One day, these tears will all be dry. Soon these eyes will see the sun--might take time, but I'll see it.  You know, when I'm back on my feet again.  

Though I'd have to go and dig the box out to confirm, I do believe that this is the only cassette single I own by The Bolt.  Awesome.  

8) "Love is a Wonderful Thing"... Now this tune, from "Time Love and Tenderness", is most notably famous for its lawsuit that followed the release.  When this song hit big in 1991, reaching #4 on the charts, The Isley Brothers had a big problem with it... because, they claimed, that it sounded a lot like their own 60s release, strangely titled "Love is a Wonderful Thing".   In 1994, the courts of this great land declared that yes, Bolton's song had many similarities beyond the title, ruled that Mike B and his team had to pay The Isley Brothers all profits from the song, plus 28% of the entire album's profits.  This ended up being in the neighborhood of $5 million or so, after all was said and done.  And the ironic part was that The Isley Brothers' original song wasn't even that big of a hit, recorded in 1964, but not even released on a single until 1966, where it languished between #125 and #101 on the pop charts.

The verdict was appealed, of course, and ran all the way up to the US Supreme Court where in 2001, it refused to review the case at all, upholding the original verdict.

I always hated that this song had such legal issues... Its fun, its peppy, its easy to sing and its catchy.  Awesome.

7) "That's What Love Is All About"... Such a sweet song, all about a couple who have been through everything and back again, yet they are still together.  They are simply two hearts who have found a way, somehow, to keep the fire burning.  Something they couldn't live without, and if it took forever, they were going to work it out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, cause you see, this is what love is all about.

See, finding the good times is easy--but the hard times?  Well, they can tear you apart.  There will be times in your heart when the feeling is gone... what do you do?  Well, you keep on believing.  You keep holding on.  Duh.

I can imagine this song being a popular song at a 50th anniversary vow re commitment celebration.  Awesome.

6) "How Can We Be Lovers"... Truly a question for the ages, featured on "Soul Provider", one asked by men and women of each other, and of themselves, since the dawn of time.  A question that, when asked, hangs in the air, itself asking, NAY, demanding (!) and answer.  A question that truly wants to know how this relationship will not only work, but how it will even begin.

That question is quite simply... "How can we be lovers when we can't be friends?"

Now, if that question doesn't throw you, if that doesn't make you too queasy, then there are follow up questions.... queries like, "How can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  And then, "How can we make love if we can't make amends?"

Then, a flat out command... TELL ME, how can we be lovers if we can't be, can't be friends.  See, going from friends to hookin' up is a common theme in pop music, but The Bolt puts a spin on it... you have two people who have a passion for each other... but can't get along as friends.  Thus the brilliance of this tune.  Awesome.

Michael Bolton's 7th album, and his glorious mullet

5) "Time, Love and Tenderness"... What a code to live by, eh?  When love puts you to the fire, when love puts you to the test, NOTHING heals a broken heart like Time, Love and Tenderness..."  Suffering from a terrible break-up?

According to the Bolt, you need three things.  First, you need Time.  Perhaps time doesn't heal all wounds, but it will make it better.  You need Love.  Maybe to replace the love lost, or just the love of your support group around you.  And finally, you need Tenderness. You need people to treat you with care.  And those people are the ones who you can call friends.  Great song.  Awesome.

4) "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You"... From "Soul Provider", this is originally a song made famous in 1983 by Laura Branigan (but The Bolt was a co-writer on this), this one is just heartbreaking.  I mean, right off the bat, we are talking about a broken relationship... "I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today, I had to come and get it straight from you", meaning that he didn't even find out from the chick, he had to find out second hand, then go to her to confirm it.  Confirm what, you ask?  "Said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away, and from that look upon your face I see its true..."  Not only did he find the info out second hand, he found it out even though SHE WAS LIVING THERE!!!  Great tune, Bolton's raspy voice only adds to the bitter lump of heart pains in this song.

This was the song that truly put him on the map, as it ended up being his biggest hit ever.  It became the first #1 single of the 1990s, staying at the top for 2 weeks, from January 6th through the 13th.  Awesome.

3) "Steel Bars"... Probably one of the best opening beats of any Michael Bolton song, it's a fast paced pop song that tells of a man who loves his woman to the point where she's got "steel bars" wrapped around him... as in, the bonds are so strong, they cannot be broken.   And if you can believe it, this song was co-written by Bob Dylan!

My favorite part... "Every desperate step I take, every desperate move I make, its clear to me... what can all my living mean, time itself is so obscene, time itself don't mean a thing, I'm still loving you!"  Awesome.

2) "Missing You Now"... Baby I just can't wait, til I see your face, takes away this loneliness inside!  When your close to my heart, right here in my arms, then and only then will I be satisfied, I'm missing you now!  But the prime part of this song is the video itself.

Open up with a young Teri Hatcher working as a sales clerk, perhaps at a gas station, giving some guy the change, while she listens to a male voice on the phone that says, "I can't even talk right now, I'm just... just locked in the studio, I'll be working real late.  Can I call you tomorrow?"  She says, "That'd be great.  I can't wait to see you."  

Smashcut to Michael Bolton, leaning over a wall phone in a recording studio, saying, "Just wanted to tell you I miss you."  Teri then replies, "I miss you too. Go to work," she smiles and hangs up.

And now, the song begins... "Talk to you but its not the same... as touching you... every time you whisper my name... I wanna run to you... we'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long... but it feels like forever... and its hard to be strong..." The video cuts back and forth between The Bolt sitting on a stool, baring his soul into a hanging mic and Teri back at the gas station, looking in the distance and forlorn.  But then, we see flashbacks of how Bolt and Teri met, with his car breaking down, a mechanic looking under the hood, and Bolt looks up to see this ravishing Teri standing in the doorway, staring at him.  

Their romance blossoms, with wine and roses and the camera slowly panning over a window where the curtains are blowing, showing off the cool nighttime sky, and then over a bed where we see The Bolt and Teri giving kisses to each other.  I mean, who knows when they got married... that's why they are there, right? Right.

And outta nowhere, there's Michael Bolton and Kenny G, hanging out on a couch, laughing.  

Awesome.

1) "Soul Provider"... Bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna be... your soul provider... bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna stay that way... for the longest time!  Truly his first real hit of any kind, its the title track of the 1989 album of the same name.  "Soul Provider", the album, reached #3 on the pop charts, went 6 times platinum, and sold... get this... 12.5 MILLION copies worldwide.  And its his sixth album!  

This is truly my favorite Michael Bolton song, just because its a great song really.  Well written, well sung, good lyrics and... well, its Awesome.

BONUS BOLTON... Lest we forget "Forever Isn't Long Enough", an unreleased gem from the "Time Love and Tenderness" album.  See, the gist of the song is he wants her to ask him "How long will you love me?" and is answer is "Forever isn't long enough to give all my love to you...", which means he loves her lots and lots, because the word "forever" means from here to infinity, with no end, yet he says his love for her is actually beyond that, meaning beyond infinity, which is a really, really long time.  See what The Bolt did there?

He attempted to do the same thing with "Said I Loved You... but I Lied", which is really about a guy saying "the word 'love' isn't strong enough to convey my affections for you, my dear," and its just not a great song.  I consider this single the turning point and beginning of the downslide of The Bolt's career.  Don't even get me started on "Can I Touch You... There?"  Yeesh.

ALSO... The song "I Found Someone" is a song made hugely famous in 1987 by Cher, and it essentially resurrected her career.  However, did you know that the song was written by a guy named Mark Mangold, by Laura Branigan (yes, the one mentioned earlier in "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You") and by none other than The Bolt himself.   Branigan, who had hit the charts with "Gloria" and "Self Control", had "Axel F" composer Harold Faltermayer arrange "I Found Someone", but without a video to support it, it only got to #90 on the charts.

Cher picked it up for her 19th studio album, "Cher", in 1987 and with a big budget video that was heavily played on MTV, the song was huge.  Its also my personal favorite Cher song, and would rank somewhere in the 150 to 200 spot on my All Time Favorite Songs list.  Just a great tune.


The guy in this video, her love interest, was, at the time, her real life boyfriend... it made headlines in 1987, as he was 27 years her junior.

Anyway, The Bolt finally recorded his own version of this song and placed it on his 1995 album, "Greatest Hits 1985 - 1995", though after listening to it moments ago, I gotta tell ya... Cher's is better.  Her voice is perfect on it.

So, that's the Michael Bolton round-up for you folks, since you were dying to know.  

The Idol that Saved Pittsburgh

First... shaaaaameless plug.  For those of you who don't know, I co-host a podcast with my buddy Mikey and produced by Tommy Mac, which is downloadable on iTunes, or from our website, The Deucecast (as the podcast is called). I only mention this because last night's show was pretty good, actually, including a heated debate not only on the serious subject of the American education system, but also on the serious subject of whether comedies deserve consideration in awards programs like The Academy Awards.   Click to the site to get the show, and give it a listen.  Mikey and I's nasally drone can wear thin, but we do what we can.


And as soon as I can figure it out, I'd like to some video podcasts on this here site too... and, a change in address is coming.  Great things are afoot at Clouds in My Coffee!  Oy!

Now... just saw a commercial on Fox for a show called "The Finder", with Michael Clarke Duncan.  Its an indication of how much network tv I've avoided when I tell you that I've never, ever even heard of this show.

Seacrusty is strolling along a suspension bridge, telling us its the first time the show has been in The City of Champions, that being Pittsburgh.  You ready?

THIS

IS

AMER

ICAN

IDOL!!!

As usual, the opening montage displays the past Idol winners, and some Idol success stories... thought I am a little surprised when Lee DeWyze shows up--I feel like he's to Idol what the Star Wars Christmas Special is to George Lucas... they just want to forget the whole thing and pretend it never happened.

Right off the bat, its a 22 year old Asian dude who tells the camera he's not sure if he's good enough, and he's not sure if he can be the next American Idol.  He says he likes to sing R&B, but is singing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" by Michael Bolton.  His name is Heejun Han, and holy crap... he's actually not bad.  Like, he's pretty good.  I'm a little shocked here, cause Idol usually sets these guys up to fail bigtime.  Wow.

He's better than some of the putzs we heard yesterday, and heck, I'd send him straight to Hollywood.  He's like, William Hung with talent!  Randy the Dawg loves him, Creepy Uncle Stevie says yes and J-Lo approves.

Speaking of Michael Bolton... I'm a fan.  There, I said it.  Okay, well, to be more specific, I'm a fan of 1988 through 1995 Michael Bolton.  Everything he's done from "Can I Touch You There" and on, I didn't like.  But his early solo stuff is fantastic.


I got $90 in iTunes money for Christmas, and this video was one of my first purchases.  


I actually started typing out some Mike Bolton stuff, but thought it would be better served as another post.  You know, so I can discuss in more length my favorite stuff.  Look for that in the next few days, all you Mike Bolton Fans--I'm talking to you, Brad Latta!

We are back from commercial, and the room is filled with those who are ready to sing for Randy the Dawg, J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Steven.  Up next is a dude who has been performing with his family for years.  Reed Grimm, 26, comes in and actually sings a jazzy version of... yes, the "Family Matters" theme song, complete with scatting.  I didn't just make that up.  And it was awesome.

Of course, all three YES votes send Reed to the Holly Wood!  Kinda reminds me of The Eliminated Casey Abrams.

Aaron Marcelles busts out some "Change is Gonna Come" and sounds awesome.  Chase Likens, 20, does some country and isn't as good as the three previous, but still, very good.  We see quick clips of people who have made it, including a spitting image of a 20 year old Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Two girls, one who is a self-proclaimed singer.  The other is a self-proclaimed "Planker"  Yes, she says that she is planking the other chick to Hollywood.  Which essentially means, she's lying very still and straight.  Thats it.  I dislike both of these girls immediately, one for daring to actually tell the nation she is a Planker, and the other for associating with such riff-raff.

I love the fact that as she is walking out with her Golden Ticket, Idol
plays Carrie Underwood's "Flat on the Floor"

They give her a whole segment, but all she's doing is LYING DOWN!!!  Dear goodness, I freaking plank every night for at least 4 hours.  Geez.

Samantha Novacek sings a little country, with her sister planking in front of her.  I'd give Samantha a Golden Ticket just for kicking her idiot sister in the stomach right now.  J-Lo loved the song.   Creepy Uncle Steven loved the tone, the voice, all that.  Randy the Dawg liked the vibe alot.  Sammy N gets a YES from all three.

Creepy Uncle Steven says what I--and hopefully you the viewer--had been thinking... "Did her sister really come out here to plank?"

So, I'm assuming the next audition will be terrible.  It has to be.  We've had a hot streak of several in a row that have been great.. surely they will give us something for fodder, something I can make total borderline inappropriate jokes about.

So this guy decided to write a song on the way to Idol from NYC... Creighton Fraker sings a little ditty about the judges, and has a really, really, reeeeeally annoying voice.  Like, really.  J-Lo says, "If Timberlake and Jamiroquai had a baby..."  That is a perfect analogy.

Creepy Uncle Steven praises him, then asks for another song.  The judges are lapping this up... but this guy... he's a diva.  He's going to Hollywood and will be a diva.  Maybe the Idol Producers know this will make for great drama, but I'm not a fan.   I put him with obnoxious Braided Hair Sista from Savannah's audition.

By the way, I really want to see Tom Hardy, Chris Pine and Reese Witherspoon in "Spy vs. Spy"... okay, correction, its called "This Means War".  I swear I thought this was called "Spy vs Spy"... anyway, it looks kinda fun.  And, despite my better judgement, I want to see "One for the Money" with Katherine Heigl.  I have not read the books, though they are on my list, and The Lovely Steph Leann is on book six or seven by now.  However, Katherine Heigl has burned me so many times on her movies... yet, I still want to see it. Darn you Heigl!  Darn you for taking my money on your promises of goodness and consistent deliveries of badness!


 Yes, it looks stupid.  But fun and stupid.

And we're back. Evan Franckewitz, 15, is our first Beiber of the year.  Coming from Ohio, we have a BACKSTORY ALERT!  Mom and Dad are so proud--they just said so.  Randy the Dawg says, "Who do people say you look like", and he says, "Justin Beiber".  Evan... excuse me, its EBEN (who does that to their kid?  the only way that name works is if your last name is "flow".  Seriously) is going to sing "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers, one of my top 30 favorite songs of all time.

First, its a respectable attempt.  Not great, but decent.  Secondly, this guy is far, far too white to sing this song.  That is a soul song, and this kid, talented as he may be, has no soul.  Of course, the judges give him a Golden Ticket.  And Idol plays Beiber music as he comes out of the audition room.  I predict he ends up crying at some point during Hollywood Week.

Travis Orlando is back!  He sang last year, didn't make it very far, and this year is here to sing "Isn't She Lovely".   No joke, I think this guy is pretty good.  Not incredible, but good.  And J-Lo is telling him that he's not getting all of his voice out?  Creepy Uncle Steven is saying he's not sure Travis is singing with passion?  Really?

BACKSTORY ALERT!!   Travis' mom walked out on the family for another man after he left Idol last year, then he got evicted, then his dad got sick and lost his job and they moved into a shelter.  Holy crap, really?  Perhaps whatshernuts has room in her tent in the woods.

And... THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO TRAVIS.  Original.

Randy the Dawg gives a hesitant YES, and so does J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Steven.  This guy sounded better than No Soul Beiber earlier, so I am not sure why the hesitation is there.

Of course, homeless high school drop out Travis is holding an iPhone--and thats at least a 4, if not a 4G, with a very nice case.  Hey Travis, thats my tax dollars at work.  Your welcome.

And we're back, with J-Lo running late, Creepy Uncle Steven and Randy the Dawg kick off Day Two in Pittsburgh with an impromptu jam session for the Idolites.

Up next, a "mobile DJ", who says she moves in and out of bars for a week or so performing, and she does wedding singing.  Erika Van Pelt, 25 , is singing "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow".  Okay, so there is a scene in "Spaceballs" where Lone Star (Bill Pullman) and Barf (John Candy) try to rescue Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga).  Before they open the door, however, they hear her inside singing "Nobody Knows the trouble I feel... nobody knows but Jesus..." in a very, very low voice.  Not quiet, but low in tone.  Barf turns to Lone Star and says, "She's a bass!"  That was the first thing that popped in my head when Erika Van Pelt starting singing... however... I like her.

She does sing a bit low, but sounds really good.  I can't decide if I think she's cute or way un-cute.  Its like a mild version of The McGriddle Effect.

She goes on to Hollywood!

Twenty minutes left in this show, and not a single rejection?  Whaaaa?

Oh, here we go... they show the faces and reactions of a few rejections, but mostly to highlight a sound-effect box that Creepy Uncle Steven has obtained.

Here comes Shane Bruce, 19, from West Virginia.  He's a coal miner.  That's miners, not minors.  And he's sporting no less than six earrings.  We see him entertaining the fellow miners with a version of "In the Still of the Night", and I know one of those guys is thinking "This is the pansiest thing I've ever heard.  Pick up a shovel, you wuss."

He's going to sing what he says is a song from "Shrek".  You know, "Shrek", that Hallelujah song that plays in there?  Of course, he speaks of the legendary Jeff Buckley tune "Hallelujah", featured in "Shrek", but also in a disturbing scene in "Watchmen" and has a ton of plays on my iPod, because its a feeeee-nominal song. Jason Castro also did an incredible, show stopping version of this some years ago.

 One of the best Idol performances ever.  Also, one of the most depressing songs ever.

Judging from Randy the Dawg's expression, Shane Bruce ain't cutting it.  J-Lo nervous bites a pen.  Creepy Uncle Steven stares blankly.  He takes the rejection well, though... they tell him to work on it, and come back and audition again.

And in a genuine awwww inducing moment, when he comes out, he looks on the verge of tears, and his mom hugs him and whispers, "You'll always be my Idol."  Wiping tears, he admits he didn't do as well as he wanted, but wanted to try again.  I hope this guy does come back.

Here's the montage of rejections, 53 minutes into the show.  Lots of tears, lots of  "I want this so bad", lots of "I will be back!".

Finally... the last segment of the night... BACKSTORY ALERT.

Hallie Day, 24, from Baltimore just got married six months ago.  She dropped out of high school at 13, moved to New York at 16, became an addict, and finally found her way home, even with no mom or dad around.  And after a suicide attempt with some pills, she hit rock bottom.  Finally, she met a dude who became her hubby, Ryan.

"He's loved me more than anyone else ever has," says Hallie.  That's a pretty good story--good job, Idol.  She has to be good, after all this.  She's singing "I Will Survive"... not my favorite voice of the night, but a darn sight better than some of the stuff they've sent to Hollywood already, so I'm sure she's headed there.

And she's on her way!

All in all, Pittsburgh sends 38 to Hollywood with the Golden Ticket pass.  Next week, on Sunday, its San Diego, California, following the San Fran-NYGiants game... and I'll be there, blogging, with The Lovely Steph Leann on the couch, blanket in hand!  And probably Campbell in the other, but still.

It's 3 a.m. I Must Be Lonely

"I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.  There was something so pleasant about that place.  Even your emotions have an echo in so much space."  Gnarls Barkley

Hale:  "Your out of your mind." 
Deak: "Yeah... ain't it cool?"

Two more days, and the decade is over.  How absolutely crazy is that?

Anyway, not much to discuss... well, that's not true--there's probably a lot to talk about, everything from reviews of "Avatar", "It's Complicated" and "Sherlock Holmes" to what in the world is up with my Go Gators and the Urban Meyer, "I'm resigning cause my heart can't take it no I'm not I'm just taking a leave of absence but is that really the truth maybe I am resigning I'm just saying 'leave of absence' so my recruits will be okay" dance. 

But, as it is, its 217 in the morning... and my iPod is syncing, which is why I'm still up.  Its a blessed problem, really... "blessed problem" being, I have no reason to complain, I'm only whining about my toys and how annoying they can be, and if I sat back and had perspective, I'd know that I not only have 1 iPod, I now have 2 iPods, and those without would look at me and say, "Quit your whining, you big baby."

I opened up iTunes the other day, and nothing was there.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  I sighed, because this has happened before.. my music is right where I left it on my computer, in my music folder, but its as if I had downloaded iTunes for the first time.  This means all my ratings, all my lyrics, all my playcounts gone, all gone... now I'll never know the lyrics to Jason Mraz's "The Remedy (i won't worry)" or know whether I rated Garth Brooks' "Wild Horses" higher than Whitney Houston's "Savin' All My Love For You", now my knowledge of how many times I truly listened to "Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus or "Steel Bars" by Michael Bolton or "Everything Zen" by Bush was gone!  No more ratings!  No more playlists!  No more 'last played'!  No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!

I guess there are worse things in life... well, I'm pretty sure there are.  Cancer... car wrecks... He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected's Health Care Plan... (random song names.. check... random line from "A Christmas Story"... check... potshot at The President for Brad Latta's sake... check...).

The only upside is that I get to re-organize my music, and for a nerd like me, this is a big deal.  I have one folder, called "Distribute", and anything downloaded goes there.  If I've downloaded the song from a less-than-paid for site, I can do a virus scan on that folder to make sure everything is on the up and up.  If I rip a CD, it goes there, as does any audiobooks I get.  Over time, and because I'm too lazy and forgetful to move stuff when I load it, it builds up. 

This iTunes issue happened last in August of 2008.  In 16 months, my "Distribute" folder had collected 245 different artists worth of stuff.  It took me about three hours to move music and audiobooks out of that folder into their proper places. 

The Lovely Steph Leann did well this year.... she usually does, but this year especially.  I got some great stuff, like some books, my "Mountain Soul II" CD by Patty Loveless that I was hoping for, a cute little Mickey Mouse tie, Super Mario for the Wii (more on that later), and in my stocking, I pulled out some candy (Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are the best, aren't they?), some weird little "put them in water and they grow!" animals that The Lovely Steph Leann got a big kick out of and at the bottom... an iPod Touch. 

I held it, I looked at her, looked back at it, then looked back at her smiling face.  "You... you got me... got me... an iPod Touch?" I stuttered.  Very little leaves me stammering, but this did the trick.  She smiled, and told me that she won it at work in some sort of contest... she was quick to point out that, "Had I not won this, you wouldn't have gotten it.  Just so you know."

I had kinda been wanting an iPhone, but my issue with that was the phone bill per month would be higher... not necessarily the actual phone plan, but the cost of all the bells and whistles that went with it.  An iPod Touch is basically the same thing, just without that pesky phone part.  I can connect to the interweb, download applications, load contact info and so on... in fact, I'm not even sure what I'm capable of with it.  Tomorrow, I'm going to try to launch a cupcake business and tap into the space shuttle interface. 

Its been a learning curve, using both iPods on the same iTunes... yeah, yeah, I know, poor me, pity me and so on.  I'm just telling you how it is.  The Touch is great, though... the screen is really wide, so I've enjoyed watching music videos and TV shows on it... on a weekend trip to Tullahoma, TN, last weekend, I managed to take in Family Guy's "Blue Harvest" and the first episode of "Mad Men", a show I have a feeling I'm about to plunge headfirst into. 

So now, at 253am, I'm reloading my iPod, the 60gig.  Essentially, I have to wait for it to unload 54 gigs of music, videos, audiobooks and podcasts in order to then reload 54 gigs of newly organized music, videos, audiobooks and podcasts.  Whilst I wait, I watch the last few minutes of "Broken Arrow" on Fox Movie Channel, an incredibly bad, incredibly awesome flick starring Christian Slater as Hale and John Travolta as Deak, awaiting my iPod's new sync of my reorganization of iTunes. 

Also got Toy Story Mania for the Wii... it rocks.  I'm killer at the Plate Skeet Shoot.  I tried Super Mario Brothers.  Apparently, there's a glitch in the game that doesn't allow you to go to the first world.  This happens only on certain games, though... I looked it up on the interweb, and seems like lots of folks are having this issue, with the only solution being to call Nintendo directly.

Okay, so I'm going to bed.  Its too early... late... whatever.  "Sweet Thing" by Keith Urban?  Fun song.  Listening to it now on my new iPod Touch (movie just ended).  Why bring up Keith Urban?  Cause its 3am, I must be lonely.  She says baby, well I can't help but be scared but oh sometimes the rain's gonna wash away I believe it... (that may not be the exact lyrics, but I swear that's what Rob Thomas says...)

Ah, the problems of a guy who owns 2 iPods.  I'm going to bed.  Right after this Bob Seger song goes off, that is.

Hot Sister Cheney Meets Hootie

Help me get to 100 fans... search "Clouds In My Coffee" on Facebook, and become a fan! Its easy! Its free! Its the right thing to do.

Finally... a week and a half of promising, I'll deliver the new music on Clouds in My Coffee. Its always hard not just doing the same songs over and over, cause frankly, I know what I like. I'm a repetitive person, to a point--like, I'll eat the same cereal over and over for two or three months, then after that, I don't want cereal for six months.

Music is like that with me. I have my famous "Hannah Pruitt" playlist (the story of that name is listed in a previous post) which gets changed out every month... artists should consider it an honor to get on this list, as these are songs--new and old--that I will listen to over and over for weeks on end. Then, I'll punt them out of the list. All of the following songs are from this current edition of Hannah Pruitt.

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon... this stays on the website. It just does. Get over it.

"You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift... my current favorite song of the year, and should rank quite highly in the Coolest Things of 2009. I think what makes this song for me, though, is the video. Unfortunately, for some unknown copyright reason, its hard to find. But me, being as awesome as I am, have it here...




I think they'd give special permission to have it appear here on Clouds in My Coffee. Right? Right.

"Good Intentions" by Toad the Wet Sprocket... You know where I found this song? On the FRIENDS Soundtrack CD, one of the first five CDs I've ever purchased. I remember its also from 1995... because back then, I was going out with Julie Haynes, and I made her a couple of mix tapes with my favorite songs of that year, and this was my 2nd favorite song of 1995. The first? "Dreamlover" by Mariah Carey. Or was it "Fantasy"? Either one.

"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles... She gets the award for the last name thats hardest to remember how to spell. I've written a post that I haven't put up here yet (until just a few minutes ago, I think I forgot I had it) and its basically how to dissect a Romantic Comedy. I think I need to add one more step... when you make the trailer, you need to put this song over it. Why not? 104 other Rom Coms do it. By the way, I think I've heard this song so much, I've tried to get tired of it... and I can't. Love it.

"Just Started Lovin' You" by James Otto... This should have been on the Coolest Things of 2008, but I didn't know the name of it, nor who sang it, so I had no point of reference other than "that cool country song where the guy sings like this and..." I plan on putting it on the end of this year's list, with an honorable mention, a la "Bourne Ultimatum".

"Steel Bars" by Michael Bolton... Sigh. That's fine. Laugh. Make fun of me. I don't care. I dig this song. Heck, I dig Michael Bolton, puffy Kenny G hair and all. This song is cool. Okay, maybe "cool" is not the right word, but seriously, from 1988 to 1996, he had one heck of an 8 year run.

"Running From an Angel" by Hootie & the Blowfish... my favorite song from one of my all time favorite CDs, "Cracked Rear View". I was riding with Hootie with Hot Sista' Cheney (another name with a story, lest you think Chris Hansen and I are BFF) recently, and I took a gander at her iPod. I think a person's iPod can tell you as much about them as just about anything else (unless you've got 10,000 songs on it, like mine, in which you would probably deduce I'm either OCD or bipolar... or maybe ADOS... you know, Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!) and I saw that she only had two or three Hootie songs on it. She's a bit younger than I, so naturally, why would she have more than "Let Her Cry" and "Hold My Hand"?

That's the problem with today's younglings... all they care about is Eminem and Lady GaGa and anything with a beat that talks about the po-po and smackin' up my beeyotch and so on and so forth. I would love a radio station that played some good 90s stuff. Sheryl Crow, Boyz II Men, pre-skank Mariah, pre-crack Whitney, even early pre-crazy Britney Spears would be fine. Am I the only one? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Anyway, in our conversation, we discussed how she needed to learn more Hootie, and for that matter, early, good Sheryl Crow. Before she went all "use one piece of toilet paper" crazy enviromental.

So sayeth Sheryl: "I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who's judgement [sic] I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, "how bout just washing the one square out."

Later she said she was kidding. I'm not sure I fully believe that she was kidding.



Found these two magazine covers online... Sister Cheney, meet Hootie. Hootie, Paige.

Anyway, I ended up making Hot Sista' Cheney a couple of CDs, one being Hootie's entire "Cracked Rear View" album and a few songs from "Fairweather Johnson" and "Musical Chairs, and other with Sheryl Crow, most of her great stuff from the first several excellent albums, with emphasis on "The Globe Sessions", one of my favorite CDs.

Where was I?

"My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson... This song makes a 2nd month appearance on the list. I don't dig all of her stuff, some of it is really silly and monotonous... but what I do enjoy, I really enjoy. Her song "Behind These Hazel Eyes" made the Top 100 (#25) in 2005, where she herself ended up the 6th Coolest Thing of that year. And this song? Bound for the Top 20, perhaps even a Top 10 appearance, if not for the emergance of "You Belong With Me", as listed above. Kelly and Taylor, slug it out. I knew a girl named Kelly Taylor once. She was pretty.

"Hard Luck Woman" by Garth Brooks... This was featured on the KISS tribute album entitled "KISS My A$$", which though the use of "$" doesn't disguise the words true intentions, its still a comical and clever title anyway. Garth doesn't sound like Garth here, but he does sound awesome. I actually, and this might be sacrelige to some, like this better than the original.

"Dream Lover" by Mariah Carey... I've often lamented my sorrow at how Mariah has turned into a string wearing punchline. She used to be so great, when every song didn't have a subtitle of "(featuring T-Pain)" or "(featuring Common)" or "(feat. insert stupid common word or acronym based rapper gangsta name that will forgotten in a year other than bloggers using it as a joke here)". But I digress. I was tempted to post a few pictures of Mariah, one from 1994 and one from last year, but any picture of Mariah in the last few years is bound to not be Emmy Turnbow safe.

"Motownphilly" by Boyz II Men... This song never gets old. However, I'm sure there aren't many below, say, 28 years old who will understand the line "A-B-C, BBD, the East Coast Family..." in this song.

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City", by Harry Nilsson... Finally, this song is available on playlist.com, where is where I pull my playlist from. I tried to link to it before, and wasn't able to so do, but viola! Here it is. One of the classic 70's Songwriter's Tunes, its also featured in one of my top 15 movies in The Dave100.

"Basic Instructions" by Burlap to Cashmere... This is the album version, I believe, and still a great song. The better one, though, is the live version from "Live at the Bitter End", a five song EP released shortly after their first (and only?) album... it might not have been their only album, but it was really the only one with any relevance. The live version is a brilliant driving song, wedged in between "La Grange" and "Everything Zen" on my driving playlist. By the way, it took stupid me forever to figure out the "Basic instructions before leaving Earth" reference.

"Fingerprints of God" by Steven Curtis Chapman... Its underrated. But awesome. Simply fantastic. One of those "Let me sit back, listen and remember and praise how awesome God is." Well, those were the words I used to describe "Speechless", which was originally on here... however, even though it stays "Speechless", it plays "Fingerprints of God". Which is great too, so we'll go with it.

And thats our new list. You like it? Tell me what you think.

Grand Idol Opry (with sad results)

THE RESULTS

So, Seacrest comes on and tells us that he has the results... results that may shock us all. Hmm... perhaps The Ambigiously Gay Adam is the odd boy out? Of course, the judges can save one person, once in the entire season--and of course, they didn't use it with Jazz Murray or Jorge the Latin Lover.

My prediction of who should go home? Well, as much as I want to say the obvious, the guy is talented. Even though I don't like him. The weakest, though, and the one who doesn't have a shot in Ensley of winning this thing? Mike the Oil Rigger, followed closely by Scott the Blind Guy and possibly MJC. Then again, if Lil Rounds goes home, its not going to shock me.

The Lovely Steph Leann just raved about The Ambigiously Gay Adam, how effortless he sang, how his voice moves back and forth with so little strain, and so on and so on. I threw up in my mouth twice as she raved.

But first, here's the reason we should let the whole thing record, then watch it via DVR... the group song. Tonight its a butchery of "T-R-O-U-B-L-E" by Travis Tritt...

Ever see one of those quiz things in bars and wing places, and though you aren't playing, you end up guessing, even silently, the answers? You ever find a question that the answer given is kinda wrong? That happened tonight as The Lovely Steph Leann and I had some wings for dinner over at Buffalo Wild Wings... she had the teriyaki, I had the parmesian garlic... the question on the screen was "His second hit was the self-penned 'Anymore'" and the choices were Travis Tritt, Tracy Lawerence, and two others I don't remember. The answer, of course, was Travis Tritt, but the question was wrong. Yes, "Anymore" was an excellent song (with an equally excellent, albeit unintentionally funny, video).

Tritt released "Country Club" and had five hit singles, including the title track, "Drift Off to Dream", "Help Me Hold On", "Put Some Drive In Your Country" and "I'm Gonna Be Somebody. His second album was called "Its All About to Change", and featured "Here's a Quarter (call someone who cares)'", "Anymore", "The Whiskey Ain't Working" and "Nothing Short of Dying", so really, "Anymore" was like, Tritt's 7th single. Very annoying to know so much random crap, and to be able to tell when the Wings quiz show is wrong.

And yes, this entire paragraph got me through the group song, the commercials and partly through the horrendous Ford commercial. I think it would be funny, though, to see Scott the Blind Guy driving in one of these videos.

I guess to kill the hour, we see video of what happens when Idols go home, Mike the Oil Rigger talking to his daughter and video of everyone covering their mouths during rehearsal due to MJC's illness...

The Widower Danny Gokey is safe... remember, the Top Ten go on tour, so you'll see The Goke on the road. Lil Rounds sits down, she's on the tour as well, and freaks out when she's told to sit. The Eyebrowed One, Anoop Dawg stands. Seacrest discusses the judges comments last night, and Anoop Dawg is safe.

Red Ally and Mike the Oil Rigger both stand... never good when two stand, especially when one was a bit iffy last night. Seacrest asks Paula to guess who is in the bottom three, and Paula stammers and stumbles and stutters and mutters and Simon says "Answer the question" about fifteen times. And Red Ally is... in the Bottom Three. Booo!! Mike the Oil Rigger still stands, asking aloud, "What does that mean for me?" And he's in the Bottom Three as well. He joins Red Ally on the Silver Stools of Jeopardy.

And here to perform his new single "Then", Grand Ol Opry member Brad Paisley. With a name like "Paisley" and his boyish goofy look, I wasn't a Brad Paisley fan to begin with... but over the years, I've really started to pay attention to his music and ya know what? I really like this guy. Seriously, with "I'm Gonna Miss Her" and "Whiskey Lullaby" and "Online" and heck, who doesn't love a song that suggests searching his loved one for "Ticks"?

Back now... the American Idol results are in. Scott the Blind Guy stands up... he's going on tour with the top ten. Up next? Megan Joy Corkery, who has this look of "oh crap" on her face. The judges loved her, but really, I just thought she was okay... sort of weird. But either way, she's safe.

Matty G stands. And I just noticed that Alexis Grace and The Ambigiously Gay Adam are sitting at the end of the bench... so after telling Matty G he's safe, which Seacrest just did, he'll tell Kris Allen he's safe, which he just did... and now, Alexis and The Ambigiously Gay Adam stand together.

Simon admits that he rewatched the show after going home, and says, "Adam, it was even worse the second time." Seacrest goes judge by judge, asking their opinions, and The Lovely Steph Leann rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, blah blah, let's go..."

And who is in the bottom three? Alexis Grace. The Ambigiously Gay Adam sits down, to freak us out and make our skin crawl next week. Seacrest decides to send one back to safety... Red Ally goes back to the Couch of Anxiety.

I blame the judges. I completely blame Paula, Simon, Kara and Randy for their hypocritical comments of Alexis Grace, because no, she didn't sound anything like Dolly Parton, even though they said she did, and if she had sounded just like her, they would have chided her for sounding too much like the artist. They chided her for not picking a raw song with angst, as if "Jolene", because a song about a chick desperately trying to protect her man from being stolen by the town hottie didn't provide enough angst. All the while, they pour on affection, love and emotion for The Ambigiously Gay Adam and a very subpar The Widower Danny Gokey. Yes, yes, the people vote, but listen, this is a nation who believed everything that President B. Hussein Obama told them (and see what we got??) so I can fully believe that many people who voted believe much of what the judges tell them. I blame the judges. Okay, the show is back on, I'm done.

But before we find out the results, we see Carrie Underwood discussing how wonderful her life has been, and Seacrest's narration tells us that she's had 9 consecutive #1 singles, won over 40 awards for her career, and been nominated for Entertainer of the Year. And you can add to that list "And she never dissed the show that created it all for her, unlike Kelly Clarkson, so we'll continue the Carrie love fest forever!" Not saying she doesn't deserve it, cause Carrie Underwood is feeeee-nominal...

She and Randy Travis are doing a duet called "I Told You So", which led me to ask The Lovely Steph Leann, "Is this a remake of the old Randy Travis song?" She shrugs, unknowing, but when Carrie starts, "Suppose I called you up tonight and told that I loved you..." I nodded. Yep. This is an old school Randy song from the 80s, from the 1987 album "Always & Forever". The song is also Carrie's 5th single from her fantabulous second album, "Carnival Ride".

Simon reveals that one of the two, Alexis and Mike the Oil Rigger, is worth a save-consideration. Though Alexis is probably not ready to admit it to herself, Mike the Oil Rigger is thinking "uh-oh".

And the voters say... Mike the Oil Rigger is... safe. WHAT? WHAT??? Alexis Grace could be going home? What? Uh... though I'm not shocked, I'm a little unhappy with this item. So Simon tells her that she is going to sing, and they'll save her based on what she will do right here and right now. She sings "Jolene" again. And understandably, her voice is a bit crackedy, and she's about ten feet in front of all four judges, who are huddled and staring at her and whispering to themselves.

The judges say... it wasn't good enough. They keep the "save". Alexis Grace goes home, and though she's been told by the judges now that she's got an amazing career ahead of her, let's be honest... how many 10th, 11th and 12th place Idol contestants do you remember? Brandon Rogers? Julia DaMato? Amy Adams? Vanessa Oliverez? Maybe Chris Sligh? Exactly. Alexis will drift into the back of our memories, while, like Sanjaya, The Ambigiously Gay Adam will be stuck forever. I'm bitter. Very, very bitter.

________________________________________


THE PERFORMANCES....

Thankfully, this Tuesday has been much, much less eventful than the previous, so tonight, we'll turn to...

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

So how's this for vague? Not just country music... not just songs from The Grand Ol' Opry. Its songs from artists who are members of The Grand Ol' Opry, whether their songs are featured in the walls of the Opry or not.

This is a hoot, because I grew up on old school country music... The Statler Brothers, Johnny Cash, The Mandrell Sisters, The Oak Ridge Boys, even early Judds and early Randy Travis, who just so happens to be mentoring the contestants tonight.

Don't get me wrong... I love Carrie Underwood, and Garth Brooks and Clint Black and Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss and of course, Pickles--I love Pickles!--and so on and so forth, but old country is still classic. And to see Randy Travis teaching them is kinda funny... he's like the old uncle that you don't want to talk to, but is actually in fact wise beyond his years. And he was in the Patrick Swayze Magnum Opus, "Black Dog".


Aw... did you know she's coming to B'ham in September? Will I go? I just might.

Ever want to know the members of the Grand Old Opry? You can find them right here...

Jorge the Latin Lover and Jazz Murray left tonight. Eleven more perform tonight.. its 8pm, so we'll see if we can catch up to the show in an hour. Country Week is going to be a little tougher, maybe tougher than Michael Jackson, because at least with Jacko, you have a slight range of music--but with Country? All sorts.

Simon makes a point that he doesn't care for country music at all... and we know this.

Mike the Oil Rigger apparently is going to take on some Garth, singing "Ain't Goin' Down Til the Sun Comes Up", which as Seacrest points out, "He has a lot of words to memorize".... but really, any country fan, ie, Garth Fan, worth his salt knows every word to this song. And its one of those you can't just jump in mid-verse... you gotta start that off right at the beginning. "Six o'clock on Friday evenin', mama doesn't know she's leavin'..." gets you going.

Not sure if I liked Mike the Oil Rigger's performance, or I just happened to really like the song, but I think it was pretty good. Randy says it was a cool song choice, though it didn't bring out certain vocal capabilities. Kara liked his personality, but wants the big notes. Paula liked it. Simon couldn't understand it, though Mike the Oil Rigger said, "Country folks understood it."

Here comes Red Alley, aka, Allison Iraheta. She's going to do "Blame It On Your Heart" by Patty Loveless, who I really dig. Actually, its "Blame it on your lyin', cheatin', cold dead beatin' two timin', double dealin', mean mistreatin', lovin' heart." Just so you know.

Her voice is just awesome, by the way. She's not to the point where I'm ready to crown her My Next American Idol, but I look forward to hearing her in the upcoming weeks, perhaps a rock week or something like that. And I really like her take on this song... very rockabilly.

Two songs in a row that I could sing from from to back, start to finish on my own. Love it.

Kara loved it. Paula talks about flowers and rainbows and pink clouds. Fluffy puffy poo. Simon said it was good, but perhaps a little out of tune here and there. Randy thought it was DOPE! Indeed.

One of my favorites last week, Kris Allen comes out, though he is singing "Make You Feel My Love", another Garth song that either he lent to Billy Joel, or Billy Joel lent to Garth, who knows. (actually upon looking it up, its a Bob Dylan song). This is dangerous, by the way, because slow, soft ballads like this can show off alot or really backfire.

This from the musical expert, right?

It was good, but it was slow. Paula was pleasantly surprised. Every word seems to be a struggle for her, though I'm not sure if this is any different than any other week. Simon thought it was terrific, and thinks it was a great song choice. Randy thought it was really cool, "with tender moments with my dawg Kris. A tender dawg." Kara loved it.

Oh, another note... its from the movie "Hope Floats", one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life.

Lil Rounds! She's like Brad Pitt... I want to not like her, but I just can't help myself, really. I just like 'em. She's bringing home Martina McBride's "Independence Day", which you cannot, must not and shall not sing unless you have one heckuva voice. Martina is like the white, non-crack, non Bobby, country version of Whitney. And Martina? Totally a member of the Ashley Judd Club. In great standing.

Its kinda weird though to see a black chick take on such a country staple. Another song I can sing front to back... I liked Lil Rounds singing this, but it was not nearly as big as I thought it was going to be... she should have wailed that song at the end... it looked uncomfortable, and sounded so.

Randy felt the same way. Of course, since Idol's producers love Lil Rounds, doing something a little different will be okay for her, right? All great artists take chances, right? Kara says just as much. You let MJC do this, sound exactly the same, and I guarantee they slam her for song choice, and picking too big a song. Paula liked it, but felt she should have sang different parts. Simon, who calls her "Lit-Tul", and then finally "Lil", says it came over as a wedding singer that is forced to sing a song that someone else has requested. He is wondering where the Mary J ("Blige" not "Jane", by the way) went.

After four... its Red Ally, Kris Allen, Mike the Oil Rigger, Lil Rounds

And now here comes The Ambibiously Gay Adam Lambert. A guy like Adam is the kind of guy that a guy like Randy would just as soon shoot. The Ambigously Gay Adam is going to try to take on "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash, but put a different spin on it.

THIS SONG SUCKS!!!

You know what this reminds me of? When Alex and Sophie write this sweet little ballad song in "Music and Lyrics" and then Cora, the arrogant pop star turns the song, "Way Back Into Love", into this weird, freaky, sexual, unnecessary tune. If Johnny Cash were alive, he would likely come out and put a size 12 cowboy boot in The Ambigiously Gay Adam's face.

Kara thought it was strange. But then she tosses on "But I kinda liked it!" at the end, almost as if the producers yelled, "We love this guy! Say something nice, or your fired!" Paula would hand her rooms keys over, though she's not sure if she'd get some action or they'd compare shoe shopping experiences. Simon? "I think was Randy Travis was trying to say is 'What the heck was that?'" Randy (Jackson) says it was fresh and hot and all that. I hated it.

The Lovely Steph Leann, however, really likes him. Seriously. She, for weeks now, has gone on and on about how amazing his voice is, and his vocal talent, and how great he is and how talented he is and blah and blah and blah... we're in counseling now.

Scott the Blind Guy is going to sing another Martina song, "Wild Angels", to which Randy Travis says, "When I first heard this idea, I thought 'not a good idea'." But he came around to like the version.

This song has never been one of my top faves of Martina, though its not bad. And Scott the Blind Guy's version is not bad, either. Its funny, for me Martina McBride is one of those artists who has songs that I really don't like, but conversely, the songs I do like, I really, really like.

Paula is impressed, though he should step away from the piano. Simon says that is a stupid idea. He does criticize the song choice, but Scott the Blind Guy jokes, "I've lost a lot of hat picks". Randy says it wasn't the song, but is looking for better vocals. Kara sums up by challenging him to "up the game a little bit."


Here's how Martina should sound... and any song about an abused wife blowing her house up with her jerkweed husband in it? Good stuff. And for folks like Brad Latta, I didn't post the song for the opening remarks, I posted it for the quality of the performance...

Alexis Grace, who looks ravishing, is up next. She does the right thing by buttering up Randy Travis, telling him how great he is... then she tells him that she'll be singing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton, one of my favorite old school songs, and one of my favorite two or three Dolly songs.

"Jolene" is a song about a chick of the same name, who is movin' in on the singer's man. The singer is begging Jolene to back off, because Jolene is apparently the new hotness, and can have any man she wants, but "please don't take my man... just because you can."

I do love me some Alexis Grace. Lovin' this version, by the way.

Randy wasn't sure about the notes, and tried to make it more bluesy than it should be. Kara tells her she lost her edge, and maybe she should have gone with "Last Name" or "Before He Cheats". I can't believe this, but when Paula says, "I think that song served you better than they think you did", I agree with her. I think Alexis Grace did a great job with it, and "Jolene" is just the right kind of angst song that suited her well. Simon didn't like it all that much.

Kara and Paula say they "miss the dirty"... what is this, American Stripper?

While I think The Widower Danny Gokey looks kinda like my buddy Justin Fisher, The Lovely Steph Leann still calls him Robert Downey Junior Junior.

He's going to be singing "Jesus Take the Wheel"... the video shows us him messing up over and over in front of Randy Travis... while The Widower Danny Gokey laughs, Randy looks unamused. The camera only shows him from the waist up at first, and in that white jacket, The Widower Danny Gokey looks like a Hoth Stormtrooper, sans the helmet.

So, he sounded okay, but I didn't think it was all that wonderful. The Lovely Steph Leann liked it, though she's been sipping on Gokey-Aid for a few weeks.

Either the judges will love him, or they'll use the words "indulgant" at some point.

Kara didn't like the first part, but loved the second part when "you hit your stride!" Paula loved all of it. Still struggling for words. And coherent sentences. Simon agrees with Paula, disagreeing with Kara. He doesn't like the outfit, using the words "polar expedition"... to Hoth?? Randy didn't like the verses, but loved the chorus.

After eight... Alexis Grace, Red Ally, Kris Allen, The Widower Danny Gokey, Mike the Oil Rigger, Scott the Blind Guy, Lil Rounds, The Ambigiously Gay Adam

Here comes Anooooooooop Dawg. The Eyebrowed One himself will be singing Willie Nelson's immortal classic, "You're Always On My Mind", which was redone by The Pet Shop Boys in the mid-80s. The Boys version was good, but not like Willie.

That might be the first time Randy Travis has ever actually said a Middle Eastern name out loud.

And... it sounds marvelous. Seriously. The Eyebrowed One is bringing it... were this done in 1992, I can honestly say I would consider buying the cassette single of this song, a la Michael Bolton's "When a Man Loves a Woman". And as I was in the middle of typing that last sentence, The Lovely Steph Leann says, "You know... he kinda reminds me of Michael Bolton... in a good way!"

The other night at Jason and Emmy Turnbow's house, our friend Heather King said, "You two compliment each other perfectly!" and Emmy nodded, and mouthed "Yes. Yes."

See what they mean??

But remember, Anoop Dawg isn't The Ambigiously Gay Adam or Lil Rounds, so will the producers tell the judges to really like him?

Paula loved it. Simon said, "You managed to go from Zero to Hero. That was a good, solid song." Randy loved it, cause he liked the vocals and the arrangement, which was dope. Kara commends him for doing what he did tonight, because it is so hard to do with that kind of classic song.

Up now is Megan Joy Corkery singing a country standard, that being "Walkin' After Midnight". Randy says, "This song has been done in every possible way over the years", though he liked MJC's take on it.

Can MJC sing Patsy? Not easy. Except for the tats up her right arm, MJC looks smokin' hot. Not that the tattoos are bad, they are just distracting with that sleeveless dress on. MJC definately has a different sound on the song... not sure if I like it or not, really.

And I'm not sure if MJC has on a dress, or simply a skirt and a boob separator/holder. The Lovely Steph Leann agrees.

Randy thought it was good, impressive. Kara acknowledges MJC having the flu, but liked it. Paula tells the world that MJC has already been to the hospital with her illness, as MJC coughs on stage. Simon says she looks great, but doesn't like the style. He did like the song, though.

Okay, I liked it. I'll admit it.

And to round out the show, in the pimp slot, Matty G. He'll be singing "So Small" by Carrie Underwood, and Randy isn't sure if this is a great song... but ends up liking it.

Matty G was one of my favorites last week, which was surprising. And this week? He sounds awesome. If I were to put this song, Matty G's version, in one of my playlists, it would probably go in with Howie Day and John Mayer and possibly Blessid Union of Souls. Dude sounds great.

Kara loves it, making a comment that forces out a "That's what she said", then a hearty laughter by me, followed by a eye roll from The Lovely Steph Leann. Paula tries to say Authenticity. After four tries, she gets it. Simon says it was great, reminding him of Buble. Randy said it was his favorite of the night.

In a year when I thought I was supposed to like Alexis, Lil Rounds and Scott the Blind Guy, and I end up liking Alexis, Matty G and Kris Allen. Who knew? This is American Idol.

So, tonight's favorites... Matty G, Anoop Dawg, Alexis Grace, Red Ally, Kris Allen, MJC, The Widower Danny Gokey, Mike the Oil Rigger, Scott the Blind Guy, Lil Rounds, four thousand other people who tried out, then The Ambigiously Gay Adam.

Hey... Lionel Richie Is Universal

We're sitting at The Purple Onion, a great Greek place here in The Ham, and just having great conversation like best friends do. Over head, we hear "You are the sun, you are the rain, you make my life a foolish game...", so turn to Steph Leann and say "Hmm... kinda weird we'd hear Lionel in The Purple Onion.


Say you. Say me. Say it for always. Lional Richie.

Without missing a beat, she says, "Hey... Lionel Richie is universal". So, then, a few weeks later, I'm sitting and watching Vh1's Most Softsational Songs, and during "Hello", one of the commentators says "Did you know Lionel Richie is huge in Iraq?" Cut to L-Rich himself who says "It's weird, because they know every word to every song...", and then you see an Iraqi woman who says, in broken English, "Allo... is it me you look for? I wonder where you are..."
So, yes, Lionel Richie truly is universal.

Here's some links and stories to pass the time today...
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I just discovered Scott Baio has his own reality show, coming on Vh1. The title? "Scott Baio is 45 and Single"

Okay, so when I said "Scott Baio raise your hand if the first thing you thought of was "I want Charles in charge of my days and my nights..."? And I'll bet 90% of you who did not raise your hand haven't ever heard of Scott Baio, and that saddens me.
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Unfortuntely, I don't have many font options here on Blogger. Though I prefer Trebechet, it doesn't transfer well to MySpace, so I just use Georgia, the default font. When doing documents and spreadsheets, my font of choice is Arial Narrow. Count me in the crowd that thinks Comic Sans is overrated and overused. However, I must beg the question, what's up with Helvetica?
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Ever bought a CD because of a great song, only to find out its the only good song on the whole album? This happened to me in 1992 when I picked up The Proclaimers "Sunshine on Leith", because "500 Miles (I Would Walk)". Terrible album, save for one single good track. Rolling Stone has issued their own list of the 25 greatest songs from bad albums. Elton John is listed twice.

Along the same lines, Spinner Magazine listed its choices for the 25 Most Monumental Album Flops. I was a little shocked, yet amused, that U2 was first band on the list. (By the way, I totally own "Fairweather Johnson" and think its awesome. So there. Of course, I also own "Glitter", but... um, next link)
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Here's something fun... what would Lilly Rush from "Cold Case" make? Or, what about Lynette from "Desperate Housewives"? As in, what would they make in the real world? And Meredith Grey makes far less that I would have imagined...
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And speaking of Grey's Anatomy, Katherine Heigl is a smoker. That turns me off totally... of course, as the episodes have rolled by, and Steph Leann and I have watched them season by season, I'm beginning to think that I find Meredith more attractive than Izzie. My lovely wife, however, is still a McDreamy fan.


Shouldn't the twentysometing hot blonde be preferrable to the late 30s brunette? Perhaps not. Maybe is a sign 'm getting older. I mean, thirtysomething Steph Leann is preferrable any blonde I know.
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FYI... just saw this story on Fox News. Because I know her, I actually knew this months ago. I've seen them together. It was so odd, I called my wife and my sister to tell them so. Personally, I am surprised it took this long to hit the news, but really don't think its a big deal.
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Want a way to kill, like, an hour when you should be working? I got four words for ya...
Celebrity Mustache dot com

It has a great picture of a mulleted Michael Bolton AND a Stamos sighting
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Crap! I can't believe we missed it! Bidding ended on June 1st! (well, it cost $5,000 to ship, so I guess its okay that I didn't win it)
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Went to Wal-Mart earlier tonight, and three things caught my attention...

1) As I was driving through the parking lot, the ice cream truck was pulled over. Next to it were three police cars, officers walking around the truck, and some dude being interrogated. I was expecting Chris Hansen to walk out holding chat transcript and say "why don't you have a seat right there". (by the way, I'm totally buying his book)

2) I stopped by Sonic (settle down, settle down, I had a grilled chicken sandwich and a Coke. No tots. For those who know me well, "no tots" is a big sacrifice). While I waited for the food, I heard Gwen Stefani's "Sweet Escape" over head. Now, I like this song, I really do... but I have heard it SIX times this weekend, none on the radio--its in restaurants, gas stations and on tv shows. And I always hear Akon's "woo-hoo! wee-hoo! woo-hoo! wee-hoo!"

3) Every Wal-Mart has this aisle they just throw various crap like books, toys, electronics, socks, baby gear, and slap a red sticker on it with a "get this crap outta here!" price on it. While perusing the aisle, I noticed a radio/cassette Walkman. When I was in 8th grade (in 1989), I wanted one soooo badly. It was like, $40, and no 8th grader has $40 lying around. So I never got one. Tonight, however? $4. Four dollars. I almost bought it just on principal.
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As reported to me first by my friend Nikki, they are planning to build a Harry Potter theme park in Orlando's Universal Studios. How much fun will that be? Perhaps it will be done by Thanksgiving, when we head that way.
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Watching some of MTV's Movie Awards, and like it has been the past few years, its pretty boring. Of course, Sarah Silverman's really dirty (but really, really funny) jab at Paris Hilton was great, if only because they cut to Paris in the audience, and she was not happy.

Mike Myers got the Generation Award, or whatever they call it, and though I like Mike Myers, it surprised me that when he came out to accept it, he got a good applause... but no standing ovation. They always give standing O's when getting a special award like this... but not this time. The Sports Guy said it once, and I agree... has any series of movies held up worse over time (as in, we just don't quote or talk about them like we did when they were new) than the Austin Powers movies? Except maybe the Wayne's World movies?
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Two songs I just downloaded... "What a Fool Believes" by The Doobie Brothers (with Michael McDonald singing lead), and "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins.
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New movie called "Good Luck Chuck" coming out this summer. Starring Dane Cook, its about a guy who finds himself the victim of some curse because when he sleeps with a girl, she finds the man of her dreams. This makes him very popular with the ladies who are looking to settle down.

The only reason I mention this is because this has been done before... well, not exactly, but I found myself in the midst of a similar situation. Like, from 1993 to 1996, I was in this streak where six out of seven girls I dated married the guy they dated after me, including Chrissy Bullock, Heather Howell and Melanie Jackson, (whom I count because she didn't really date Reggie McCallister).
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Because I've always loved her, even since college, I naturally try to see any movie featuring The Hollywood Goddess. Her latest flick, "Bug", stars said Goddess and some guy named Michael Shannon, who starred in the stage play the film is based on.

The Hollywood Goddess plays Agnes, who, for whatever reason, actually lives in a rundown Oklahoma middle-of-nowhere motel room. She works in a lesbetarian bar with her friend R.C., and one night R.C. brings into Agnes' room a strange guy named Peter Evans (Michael Shannon). He actually sounds like Peter Weller, to be honest.

Anyway, long story short, Peter gets paranoid that he is crawling with bugs, internally and externally, and Agnes is so lonely and desperate for anything to believe in, she hangs on his every word... and slowly, the couple... (wait for the cliche)... descends into madness.

This movie was weird. I'm not even sure if this qualifies for The McGriddle Effect, to be honest with you. As soon as the lights came on at the end, this brother and his boo in the front row both stood up, and he shouted "We gotta get up outta here".

"Bug" makes for another entry into a unfortunately growing longer line of crap that The Goddess has found herself a part of. Perhaps after I finally do my Nic Cage blog, I'll do one about my love and devotion to Ashley Judd.
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And finally, my favorite Lionel Richie song is "Stuck On You". Its a great little that says "Im stuck on you, I got this feelin' down deepin my soul that I just can't lose... I guess I'm on my way. I needed a friend, and the way I feel now I guess I'll be with you 'til the end... I guess I'm on my way. I'm mighty glad you stayed."

Story goes that Lionel was on tour in the early 80s, and he was at a truck stop. Big trucker dude came up, and told Lionel how much he loved that "Once, two times, three times my lady" song. Lionel smiled, accepted the compliment, and the trucker followed it up with, "Yeah, reminds me of my ol' lady. We been together a long time. I shore am stuck on her."
The phrase "stuck" with Lionel and he went back to his hotel room and wrote "Stuck On You" in about thirty minutes. And now you know.
And knowing is half the battle. (GI JOE!!! Woo-hoo! Wee-hoo! Woo-hoo! Wee-hoo!)

Idol's End

Here we are... the last night of Idol. And it's time for the running diary...

702pm... Out comes a dashing Carrie Underwood, followed by Taylor and My Girl Mcphee, then all the rest of the ousted Idols, all dressed in white. They are singing some crap that would be perfect to go with last night's crap, "My Destiny" and "Proud of Me"

703pm... Random Heather Locklear and Ben Stiller cameo. At least its not David Spade... how did that all happen?

705pm... A compilation of Randy Jackson's vocabulary, consisting of these words: "Dude", "yo" and "We got a hot one tonight" (not to be confused with "America! We got a hot one tonight!"). Paula's compilation is next, filled with kittens and cleavage. Finally, its Simon's turn. And its funny.

707pm... Todd Bridges again? Where's Gary Coleman??

708pm... A report from the BJCC, featuring ousted semi-finalist Becky O'Donahuge (sp?) and her twin... why them? Oh yippee... they are bringing back all the finalists to sing (gotta fill two hours somehow), and first is Annoying Paris (complete with her Patti LaBelle hair). She's singing with Al Jarreau, all in pimp gear.

712pm... Okay, so the Fed Ex commercial with the cavemen is on. I love this commercial... if only because the couldn't-care-less boss caveman grunts "Not my problem" when he fires the other caveman. The other caveman walks out, and gets stomped on by a dinosaur--but not before he kicks a small dinosaur. Classic. Almost as funny as that silly Geico commercial where the guy says "Its so easy, a caveman could do it". Cut to the dinner table at the swanky restaurant, where he's apologizing to the two caveguys. One orders "roast duck with the mango salsa", while the other says "I don't have much of an appetite, thank you". Then smirks. Classic.

7:15pm... Ah, its Idols with their Idols... which is why Daughtry is now singing with Live. I can't believe Ed Kowalcyzk agreed to this. You gotta think at the next Bonneroo, Live's cred is pretty much shot.

719pm... a Video called "Puck & Pickler", featuring Wolfgang Puck, the famous chef, and Pickles, who has cut her hair. I'm a big fan of short hair (re: Stephanie Dollar), but I liked Pickles with long hair. Anyway, Puck is teaching Pickles about famous, expensive food, as a result of the "didn't know what Calamari incident earlier this year. He's making her eat es cargo--snails--which she's resisting. I liked es cargo.

722pm... My Girl McPhee is singing a Celine Dion song with... no, not Celine. Meatloaf. Yes, that one. I'm not sure I even have a joke here.

723pm... Okay, now that I've regained my thoughts after seeing Meat Loaf and My Girl McPhee onstage singing "Its All Coming Back to Me Now" by Celine Dion, plus My Girl McPhee's dress, let me address this. The words "When you touch me like this..." sung to Meat Loaf is just weird. And creepy. Meat Loaf's hit in 1993, "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" has a video that is almost exactly like "It's All Coming Back to Me Now".

724pm... You CANNOT convince me that Meat Loaf is My Girl McPhee's idol. No way. Oh, and apparently, he's got "Bat Out of Hell III" coming out. This is after the 1970s album "Bat Out of Hell", which spawned hits like "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights" and "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad", and 1993's "Bat Out of Hell II: Back Into Hell", which gave us the aforementioned "I Would Do Anything For Love". I wonder where the Bat is going in III?

730pm... A little clip called "The Golden Idol Awards". Steph said "Talk about filler...". Of course, its a mocking video... the first award is "Best Female Vocal", and they just showed Cierra Johnson, who was AWFUL in the auditions. Then Kristen Pryzkyzyyzky, who had the rugged suntan. And for "Male Vocal", there's Derek Dupree with pit stains the size of my head... and thats a big head.

735pm... And there's "Dancin'" Dave Hoover, the guy who just jumped and screamed all during the audition, and somehow got a golden ticket to Hollywood. He's jumping all over the stage. Ryan says "Bring on the mace"

740pm... More "Puck N Pickler". I have a feeling this will be a running gag through the show.

742pm... Here's Chicken Little, Bucky... Bucky... Elliott Yahmean, Daughtry and Steph's Man Ace with the Ace Hair all singing BTO's "Taking Care of Business". They didn't. Thats why Taylor is in the finals. Ha! Speaking of, here he comes, on the harmonica. Now they transition into "Tobacco Road", which only Bucky, Daughtry and Taylor look remotely comfortable singing.

744pm... Fleetwood Mac? If you look in the back of the Kodak Theater, you'll see the words conveniently on the teleprompter. Those Fox guys are so helpful.

750pm... Ryan just matter-of-factly handed My Girl McPhee and Taylor hands to new Ford Mustangs. You'd think they'd be more excited. Now, more Golden Idol Awards, this time "Proudest Family Moment". Elliott Yahmean's old mom wins. This leads to Elliott performing with... no one. He's singing "One" by U2. Don't tell me Bono is coming out.

753pm... Oh, here comes Mary J. Blige. Okay, so Idols performing with their own Idols is now not true. Currently, she's singing more of the song, as well as better, than Elliott. She's got his hand, pumping the fist, and making him look like one awkward white boy.

801pm... Hey, its Carrie Underwood, fresh off of 2 country awards. One for best new artist, one for "Jesus Takes the Wheel". She looks hot. And she's a Christian. Which means she's a righteous babe. Ha!

806pm... Hilarious little clip featuring Ronetta Johnson, and her very, very foul mouth. You had to see the original show back in January.

807pm... Taylor Hicks is singing "In the Ghetto" with Toni Braxton. Did they just draw who is singing with who out of a hat?

812pm... Shania Twain song alert! Here are all the chicks... Lisa Turtle, My Girl McPhee, Mandisa, Annoying Paris, Pickles and of course, Melissa "Does Anyone Know who I Am?" McGhee.

817pm... So, if next year, Alabama, or Birmingham specifically, has no connections to anyone in the Idol top 12, will this area even care about American Idol? I mean, we've had Ruben, Bo, even Diana--whom it was a stretch, but she did live her for the first year of her 17 years--and now Taylor...

821pm... Clay Aiken. Right now, I'm losing it. Clay Aiken.... Clay Aiken!

822pm... So, they gave out the award for Best Impersonation, and the winner was Michael Sandecki, who did one heck of an awful Clay Aiken impersonation. So, Sandecki comes out, Ryan asks him to sing, and he starts into "Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me", and its AWFUL. And here comes Clay Aiken. So, Sandecki turns around, almost faints and freaks out. Clay is singing, and now he's got longer hair. Steph said "I like his hair, but its too long... he should trim it for his gay self." Then Steph looks at me and quietly says "Oh, he is gay, right?"

826pm... Ryan just said the words "Burt Bacharach", "Tribute" and "Here are your Idols". This might be where I go to the bathroom.

828pm... Ace Young. You can't convince me that Michael Bolton didn't look like that when he was 24.

828pm... Melissa McGhee had better make the most of this appearance... after this season, she goes the way of Julia DeMato, Vanessa Oliveraz and Charles Grigsby. Who, you ask? Exactly.

833pm... Chicken Little is singing "Whats New, Pussycat?", made famous by 60s sex god Tom Jones. I'm guessing the producers were laughing their heads off when they decided to do this to poor Kevin Covais. And now, two names I thought would never go together... "Chris Daughtry" and "Christopher Cross". Annoying Paris is now singing The Carpenters. Stephanie is very happy. And now.. its Dionne Warwick.

835pm... What kind of comedy would it be to have Dionne go "My psychic friends network told me the winner would be..."? I had an algebra teacher named Mrs. Maund, a little white woman. Dionne and Mrs. Maund look alike. I actually called her the White Warwick. I'm just sayin'.

837pm... I was hoping it wouldn't come to this (and I'll be the majority of the Idols were too), but she just busted out "What's What Friends are For". Daughtry better get back stage and beat the crap out of Chicken Little just to preserve his cred, otherwise Fuel is gong to retract their "be our lead singer" offer. I hate this song. Always have.

844pm... They are reshowing "Brokenote Mountains", featuring Cowboy Garet--a hilarious sooof with two hicks and a black dude that made it to the second round... but no further. And here they come, singing "Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys". Funny, funny stuff.

848pm... In a bizarre twist, Prince just came out. And it looks like he got his jacket back from Taylor last night. I mean, talk about your filler...

850pm... I am wondering why they've never done a Prince night on Idol, but it occured to me that most of his songs are pretty dirty, and at least innuendous... "Little Red Corvette", "Raspberry Beret"... you don't want to know what those songs are about.

854pm... Just went to the blogcounter website to see why my blog counter wasn't working... it told me I've jumped about 40 hits in the last three hours. You guys rock. Its nice to know I've had some views. So, who are you?

856pm... Taylor is being forced to sing "I've Had the Time Of My Life" from Dirty Dancing. Now My Girl McPhee is joining in... okay, okay, I like this song. Leave me alone.

856pm... "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" (if you don't get that, Google it)

858pm... Okay, here we go... the winner is...

859pm... 63.4 million votes came in last night... thats like the number of hits on Scott Latta's Sporting News blogsite!

859pm... And the winner is... Taylor Hicks. Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Awww... Taylor is about to cry... that's good stuff. Heck, even David Hasselhoff is crying. Who knew they had some Hasselhizzle in the House?

900pm... Oh man... Taylor is ruining the night by singing that suck "Proud of Me" song. Perhaps I'll turn it off and relish his win happily.

902pm... Okay, thanks for indulging me tonight... and this season. Now I gotta find something else to write about.