In 1997, I was watching Star Wars on television, sitting in the bedroom of My Best Mate Wookiee at our little apartment on Thomas Circle in Troy, Alabama. My first class was already over, and I was at my apartment for lunch, or just to kill time or whatever... either way, my next class started in about two hours, so I was just wasting the day away.
And inspiration hit me. Star Wars. Troy. Combine the two. Toss in a few familiar names, poke some fun at some people in a harmless jest, and be very sarcastic with the university that we all love, but love to make jokes about--Troy State University. And even though I was Greek (Faaaaaaarmhouse... we are one, after us its all been done, we're the best fraternity, brotherhood for eternity...)
I still found myself laughing at those people who took the Greek system sooooo seriously.
I sat down in front of My Best Mate Wookiee's computer, with Word '97, and started typing. And three hours later, after I had already missed my class (and the next one too)
, I was finished and was printing it out.
Before you read, let me give you some back ground... Kevin Spivey was a good buddy of mine from Troy State, and he lived with a guy named Clif (with one F).
There was a girl named Donna who had a thing for Clif at the time--I must tell you that Donna was and is just the sweetest girl you could meet (and actually holds a spot in my memories on September 11th, 2001, but that's another story).
Anyway, if you ever read this, Donna, this was done in fun and high spirits.
The girl I had interest in was named Chrissy (who ended up marrying a fraternity brother of mine, Drew).
Jim and Geno were also a couple of FH guys who were tight. Uncle Bob was a big guy from the day with a fondness for tats. And our villian was a Kappa Delta sister with a super short haircut that Spivey and I suspected... well, possibly played for the other team--hence the name Dike Vader. Looking back, that probably wasn't true at all, but I never said Spivey and I were nice people.
I won't spend time going through all the other people and references, because we'd be here all night, but I wanted to point out some of the inspirations for the main characters. Really, though, many of you won't get most of the jokes, unless you were there--if you were there, then you'll laugh when you read words like "Brundidge", "Ziggy's" and "The Front Porch". Old school Farmhouse guys will know. Several of the BCM'ers will know. Many will not. But... you can still read along, and perhaps find a few chuckles anyway.
Anyway, I re-read the entire thing when I pasted it into this post, then started making a few changes. I mean, its the... 13th Anniversary Special Edition Director's Cut, right? Nothing vital has been changed, all dialogue is the same, with few exceptions, and I even added a light or two for continuity.
Finally... I would rate this anywhere from PG to PG-13. Remember, I was in college. 98% of this would be Emmy Turnbow approved, but I did notice (and laugh heartily)
a joke in the Princess Rescue scene that might make some go "Oy..." so reader beware slightly.
Anyway... here's our feature presentation.
A Long Time Ago... At a University Not So Far, Far Away.....
Episode IV: A Troy Hope
It is a period of civil war.
Really cool good guys, striking
from their hangout at Center Park,
have won their first victory against
the evil TSU Greek System.
During the battle, spies managed to steal
secret plans to the Panhellinic Council's ultimate
weapon, the Kappa Death Star, an armored chapter
room with enough makeup and false friendships to prove
every myth about sororities stupidities to be true.
Pursued by the Panhellinic's sinister sisters, Princess Chrissy
races home aboard her Saturn, since she is the custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her people and rid the campus of fakeness
Princess Chrissy flew her ship as fast as she could, but the bigger Pan-hellinic Destroyer was right behind her. She knew she had to get these plans to back to the Rebel base on Center Street, but she knew she wouldn't make it. Besides, if she didn't hurry, she wouldn't have a parking space.
As lasers exchanged between the tiny Rebel cruiser and the much larger Panhellinic Destroyer, two droids scrambled about. Jim3PO and GenoD2 scurried from corridor to corridor trying to find an exit.
"This pisses me off!!" Jim3PO screamed.
"(*#%&*$*," GenoD2 replied.
"Oh, shut up. Not everything pisses me off..." Jim3PO retorted.
"(@!)#*#)*" GenoD2 said again.
"Yeah, I guess you are right. Everything does piss me off."
The doors became weak from the pounding suddenly upon them, and then were blown open completely. Although the Rebel troops were there to fire upon them, they were no match for the SAETroopers, who of course, were so stoned they couldn't feel it if they were shot anyway.
Princess Chrissy raced to find GenoD2 and inserted a CD.... the plans to the Kappa Death Star. She then reached around and inserted her DC Talk CD . "I love this CD.... I want to keep it safe," she thought. Suddenly, a force of SAETroopers came running around the corner.
"Hit her!!" one exclaimed.
"You say you have a hit?" the other asked. "Well share it, man."
They blasted her and knocked her out. When she awoke, she stood in front of a large, dark, skinny figure, with a dorky helmet and short hair.
"Dike Vader, only you can be so bold," Princess Chrissy snarled. "We are on a diplomatic mission..."
"Oh shut up," Dike Vader breathed heavily. "You have stolen secret plans, and you are part of a Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her away!"
Dike Vader turned away. One of her many sisters came up beside her.
"Holding her is dangerous." the sister spoke. "She so goshdarn nice to everybody, she might get sympathy from one of her friends."
"She knows too much..." Dike Vader snarled. "And she needs to wear more flannel."
"She'll watch Beavis and Butthead before she'll tell you anything."
"Leave that to me."
"Also, an escape pod was jettisoned to a nearby planet. Since the plans aren't anywhere on this ship, they must be in the pod."
"Send a search team to find those plans."
Jim3PO and GenoD2 landed with a thud on the planet Tattoo. As they began to walk across the rocky, sandy terrain, Jim3PO began to gripe and moan... as usual.
"This sucks." Jim3PO griped.
"#&$%^@" GenoD2 beeped.
"What makes you think there are settlements over there? What mission?"
"Yeah, I could use some vodka too. Maybe there is a Ziggy's Deli around here somewhere."
The two droids began to walk north. Right around nightfall, they came upon a little hut in a canyon.
"Kevin!!' they heard in the background
"I'll be there in a minute, Uncle Bob!" came a reply.
As they neared the top of the hill, they saw a yellow landspeeder Amigo, with a young man working under the hood. He looked up and saw the droids.
"Hello," he spoke. "You must be lost."
"#(&*@^" GenoD2 beeped.
"This is GenoD2, and I am Jim3PO. We have come from an escape pod from a Rebel ship that had fallen under attack."
"You are in the Alliance?"
"#(*&$@#$" GenoD2 beeped.
"What's he saying?" Kevin asked.
"He keeps babbling about some mission he must finish. Plus, we both need a drink."
"I am KevSpiveyWalker. Come on inside. I probably have a fifth of Jack somewhere. I'll clean you up."
They went inside and Kev grabbed a rag. He leaned over to wipe down GenoD2 and accidentally tripped a switch. A hologram shot to the floor of a young lady.
"Help me ObiClifKenobi, you're my only hope. Help me ObiClifKenobi, you're my only hope..." it repeated over and over.
"Who's this chick with the funky hairdo?" SpiveyWalker asked. Then he obeserved her purple jacket. "That jacket looks cozy..."
"Sir, GenoD2 says it's a private message for ObiClifKenobi."
"I wonder if he means old Clif, who lives in the hills. He used to be a pretty cool guy, but then he got married, and lost touch with everybody."
Uncle Bob came in the hut. "Kev, I want you to go down to Brundidge and pick up some power converters. Harvest is coming up."
"I know, Uncle Bob.... I was thinking maybe if we have a good harvest this year, I can submit my application to the academy this year."
"Kev, you know we have to make enough to finance my new tattoo."
"But I wanted to go thiiisss yeeeaarrrr!" Kev whined.
"Oh, quit whining, you baby," Jim3PO replied.
Uncle Bob left, and Kev turned to the droids again.
"Well, to get to the bottom of this, we have to find ObiClifKenobi," Kev said. They went out, and loaded up the Amigo Landspeeder and took off. Of course, on the way, it started raining and they got behind a Wiley Sanders truck. Kev began to cuss it, and Jim3PO spoke, "Shut up,"
The three pulled up to the apartment where they thought Clif lived, and knocked on the door. Clif answered.
"Are you ObiClifKenobi?" Kev asked.
"I haven't gone by that named in a long time. Come in, young SpiveyWalker."
"Yes, I knew your mother," Clif answered. "The best pilot in the galaxy... before the KD's killed her.. I have something for you."
Clif walked over and pulled out a little bar. When he pressed a button, a beam of energy shot up.
"A lightsaber... the true weapon of a Jedi."
Kev began to play with the lightsaber while Clif began to ramble about some crap on how the Jedi used to rule the campus, before the IFC/Panhellinic Dark Times, blah blah blah. Kev was only sort of listening.
"How did my mother die?" Kev asked.
"A young Jedi named Dike Vader, who was a pupil of mine until she joined the Lesbetarian Church, turned to the Dark Side. Dike betrayed and murdered your mother. Dike was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force."
"#*&^$$" GenoD2 beeped.
"Okay, I think it's time we heard this message."
GenoD2 beamed the hologram of the young lady with the funky hair.
"General Clif," the hologram spoke. "You were in a stage play with my father. Now he begs you to help him. I wish I could be there, but these stupid KDs have attacked me, and my mission to bring you to Gardner Hall has failed. I have placed information about the Kappa Death Star in this GenoD2 unit. You must see this droid safely delivered. Help me ObiClifKenobi, you are my only hope." The message disappeared.
"Kev, you must learn the ways of the Force if you are to come with me to Gardner."
"And destroy KD's? I am there."
The sorority sisters sat in a big circle in one of the chapter rooms, arguing over who was prettier, who had better hair, who's date to formal was hotter, and of course, about the rebellion.
"The rebellion is dangerous."
"Dangerous to your starfleet, Commandette, not to this chapter room."
"The rebellion will continue to gain sympathy from Chancellor Hawkins..."
The dispute was interrupted by the entrance of Dike Vader and Grand Moff Tucker.
"Hawkins is not a concern," Tucker smiled. "I have received word that I have faked and charmed my way into Hawkins giving us control of the regional SGA senates. Fear will keep the students in line. The last remnants of the old Greekless republic have been swept away."
"We are in search of the plans as we speak," Dike Vader smiled her lesbian smile. "We will crush the rebellion in one single blow."
"The Front Porch Cantina... a harbor for all the fraternity scum you would've ever wanted. We'll find a pilot here to take us to Gardner." Clif said as they entered the town.
Clif and Kev went inside while Jim3PO and GenoD2 waited.
"I know, Geno, I wanted some tequila too." Jim3PO sighed.
Kev walked up to the bar and ordered a drink, while Clif was talking to some hairy guy.
"Mmmhp Mhhme" the guy beside Kev grunted.
Another guy stepped in, "He likes you."
"I'm sorry," Kev smirked and turned to his drink.
"I like you too. You just watch yourself. We're wanting men."
"I'll be careful," Kev tried to turn away.
"You'll be gay!" the guy whirled Kevin around.
"This one is not worth it," Clif stepped in.
The two leaped at Clif and Kev, but in an instant Clif fired up his saber and chopped off the arm of one of the two. The bar stopped to see the commotion, but then went back to their conversations. The hairy guy from before went past Kev and Clif.
"Fulaytarbacca is the copilot of a ship that can get us to Gardner." Clif spoke as they followed the Wookiee.
"I'm Dave Solo, captain of the Millennium Supreme." the incredibly charming, attractive and humble guy in the cool jacket behind the table spoke. "Fulaytar here says you are looking for a way to Gardner Hall."
"Yes, if it's a fast ship." Clif said.
"You've never heard of the Supreme? It's the ship that made the Disney Store run in 27 minutes. I've outrun Troy State RentaCops. What's the cargo?"
"Myself, SpiveyWalker, and the two droids. And we want to avoid any imperial interruptions."
"Ah, secret cargo.... that's gonna cost you. I'm thinking ten thousand."
"What?" Kev shrieked. "We could buy our own ship for that."
"And who's gonna fly it, you?"
"Don't get smart with me, you dirty Mexican. I'll kick your teeth in."
Dave Solo thought it best not to arouse the temper of the young SpiveyWalker, so he turned back to old Clif. "When do you want to leave?"
"As soon as possible. We can pay you 2000 now, and 15 when we get to Gardner."
"Seventeen? You got yourself a ship. BCM parking lot, the last handicapped spot on the left."
Clif and Kev left the table, as Dave turned to Fulaytar. "Seventeen thousand!! This could really get me out of debt. Get to the ship and check all the fluids."
Fulaytar grunted and left to the parking lot. Dave started to go out the other direction, but was stopped by Burko. Phillip Burko, the bounty hunter.
"[Going somewhere, Solo?]" Burko asked in his Lambda Chi Alphese tongue.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I was going to see your boss," Solo replied.
"[Too late]," Burko grinned. ""[Discover Card has put a bounty on your head so large every bounty collection agency hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you.]"
"But this time I have the money."
"[If you give it to me, I might forget I found you.]"
"I don't have it with me. Tell Discover Card..."
"[Discover is through with you]"
"Shut up..." Dave replied, shot him, and walked out.
Meanwhile, on the Kappa Death Star...
"The resistance to drinking is stronger than I thought," Dike Vader snarled.
"I told you trying to get her drunk so she would tell you the plans location was a futile effort. Let's try something else." Grand Moff Tucker smiled. "Captain, set your course for Gardner."
On Tattoo, the SAETroopers, stoned as they may be, found the Supreme just as they all were getting on.
"Fulyatar, fire her up!!" Dave yelled as he ran around the front to get in.
"This thing is a hunk of junk!!" Kev yelled as he dodged laser blasts.
"She'll go from zero to 60 in seven seconds. Now get on!" Dave jumped in. "Fulaytar, get us out of here!"
The Supreme blasted off, but they had DeltaChi Fighters on their tail.
"There is a Panhellinic Destroyer back there too," Dave said. "Fulaytar, hold them off until we can make the jump to OverDrive."
The Supreme flew in and out of the lasers from the Destroyer, and then suddenly, in a flash of light, the OverDrive jump was made and the ship flew into the darkness.
"Governor Tucker," Princess Chrissy grimaced as she walked in. "Come on, Donna, let me go."
"Sorry, dearie." Tucker sighed. "We've always been good friends, so you don't know how hard it was signing the orders to terminate your life. I would like you to be a witness to a demonstration that will make this Chapter Room Battle Station operational.... now where is the Rebel Base?"
"The more you tighten your Greek grip, the more independents will slip through your fingers."
"Not after we show everyone the power of this station.. Since you will not help us, we are going to test this station on your home planet of Gardner."
"No! Gardner is peaceful!! It's mostly just unknowing freshman!! You can't do that!!"
"Where is the base?"
Princess Chrissy bit her lip, closed her eyes, and muttered, "Clements. It's on Clements."
"Very well," Grand Moff Tucker said. "Captain, you may fire when ready."
"You are far too trusting, Princess Chrissy. Besides, Clements is all the way across the campus, but don't worry, we'll deal with them later."
From the Kappa Death Star, a huge cannon shot a laser across the sky, as Gardner was blown into a million pieces.
Clif, who was watching SpiveyWalker do his Jedi exercises, went to sit down.
"Are you okay?" Kev asked.
"I felt a tremor.... I think I have a headache. I feel like millions of freshman have been yelling in confusion."
Dave Solo came in, "We should be coming upon Gardner anytime now." Fulaytar and GenoD2 were in the corner playing Phase 10.
A guard came in to see Grand Moff Tucker in her conference room. "Ma'am, we searched Clements, and there is nothing. Well, actually, there is a lot of crap on the walls, and it smells pretty bad, but no Rebel Base."
"She lied to me!" Tucker yelled. "How could she lie to me!"
"I told you so," Dike Vader replied.
The Supreme began to rock to and fro.
"We have gotten to Gardner, but it's gone," Dave Solo looked on the monitor.
"Whaddya mean it's gone? You can't just make a dormatory planet disappear," Kev asked.
"It's been blown away, by the Panhellinic Council," Clif said. Fulaytar grunted to show the radar.
"There's another ship coming in... it's one of those small Teak Fighters." Dave Solo flipped some switches. "Must've been part of a convoy and gotten lost, but he won't be around much longer."
Fulaytar jammed the Teak signals as they got closer to it.
"It's heading for that moon over there," Kev said.
"That's no moon.... it's a Chapter Room." Clif replied.
"Fulaytar, put it in reverse!!" Dave yelled. Nothing happened.
"I know, we are caught in the tractor beam!" Dave turned to the panels. "I'm shutting her down."
Dike Vader came into Tucker's room. "An Oldsmobile Freighter has just been captured. It was entering the remains of Gardner.... they must have the plans. Princess Chrissy may be of use to us."
Dike Vader walked toward the ship, and then stopped. "I feel a presence in the force." Without a word, she turned and walked away.
The five heroes of our story hid in the trunk. Slowly, Dave lifted the top and looked out.
"I say we go kill all of them," SpiveyWalker said.
"Yeah, me too," Dave Solo agreed.
Two SAETroopers came around the corner. Stoned out of their minds, they saw Fulaytar. Thinking there were five Wookiees as opposed to one, they both fainted. Kev and Dave put on their suits.
"Don't look at my butt, you perv," Kev said to the Wookiee.
They slipped their way to a control room. GenoD2 plugged in to a computer to download the Panhellinic System.
"Geno says the tractor beam controls are on the third level." Jim3PO said.
"I must go alone," ObiClifKenobi said.
"Okay," Kev said.
"See ya," Dave replied.
"You must see the droids to their destination. Follow your destiny, young SpiveyWalker." Clif said, and then disappeared.
"What's he saying?" Kev asked, pointing to GenoD2.
"He says he's found her, the princess is here." Jim3PO replied. "On the detention level 5, level AA."
"Princess?" Dave Solo exclaimed..
"I don't care, I am sitting my behind right here," Kev sat down.
"Geno says she is scheduled to be terminated," Jim3PO said.
"Hear that, Spivey! They are gonna kill her!" Dave Solo said.
"Better her than me."
"She's rich.... I know you have Discover bills too."
SpiveyWalker turned around, "How rich?"
"Pretty rich... you should see their house in Mobile."
"You better be right... "
In their SAETrooper garb, they walked a hairy FulaytarBacca, bound in cuffs, into an elevator.
"This helmet smells like pot," Kev commented.
The elevator stopped and the three walked out.
"Where are you taking this... thing?" asked the commander.
"Shut up," Kev just started shooting people. FulaytarBacca broke his cuffs, grabbed a gun, and began to shoot as well. In a matter of seconds, all the troopers were dead.
They shot all the cameras as well, but they heard a voice over the intercom, "What's going on? Report, report!!"
Kev looked on the control panel and found the Princess's cell, "Here it is, 2187... you go and get her, I will hold up here."
"Um... uh..." Kev took the mic, "Everything is fine here, normal."
"Um, slight weapons malfunction... everything is fine though.... how are you?"
"Who is this?"
Kev just cussed it and shot it. "Dave, we are about to be real busy!"
Dave Solo (as the music plays in the background)
found and opened the door to the Princess' cell.
"Aren't you a little sober to be a SAETrooper?"
"I'm Dave Solo, I'm here to rescue you!"
"Dave Solo... I'm here with Clif Kenobi."
"Um, don't know him either... oh yeah, the ObiClif... he was a PCO leader!"
As they dashed into the hall, Kev and FulaytarBacca came running their way.
SAETroopers flooded the hall as Kev, Fulaytar, and Dave fended them off. "This is some rescue," Princess Chrissy said sarcastically.
"Don't make me do a Beavis impersonation." Kev replied, firing away.
Princess Chrissy grabbed a gun and fired a hole in the floor. "It's the Alumni First Floor!!" She jumped into the hole.
"Get in there, you sasquatch!! I don't care what you smell!" Dave Solo yelled at FulaytarBacca, who finally jumped in the hole.
"Wonderful chick, Dave," Kev yelled. "I think I am going to have to kill her!"
Dave Solo leapt into the dark tunnel, followed by Kev.
All four where in the trash pile they call Alumni first floor.
"This place is funky!" Kev shrieked.
"Did you even think about how we were going to get out of here?" Princess Chrissy asked. Fulaytarbacca just banged on the door, which wasn't opening.
"He's the brains, sweetheart.... what kind of material is that on your coat?" Kev replied.
The walls shuddered and suddenly began to come together. Kev grabbed his comlink. "Jim! Jim! Where are you?"
"Right here, sir," Jim3PO replied from the little control room.
"Shut down everything on the Alumni first floor!!"
"Oh, okay... you leave us here to die, and now you want us to help you!"
"Stop being so pissed off and help!"
"You say we never do anything with y’all, and yet you leave us here! You didn't want us to come with you!"
"Shut up and do it, before I have to come kick your...”
"Okay, okay, jeez..."
The walls stopped when they were about three feet apart from one another.
"Let's get out of here," Kev commanded.
"Now listen to me," Princess Chrissy spoke. "I don't know who you are or where you came from, but from now on, you will take orders from me, I am in command."
"What are you, some kind of control freak?" SpiveyWalker's nostrils flared. "I take orders from one person... me, got that?" He reached out to touch the velvety texture of her jacket, but she yanked her arm away.
"Dave, get your walking carpet roommate out of my way," Princess Chrissy walked past FulaytarBacca, who just grunted and scratched.
Clif snuck behind a column and tripped a few switches to shut down the tractor beam.
Meanwhile, the four came to a window to see the docking bay.
"You came in that teal thing?" Princess Chrissy asked.
"Yeah, you should've seen my Buick." Dave Solo replied.
They whirled around to see a legion of SAETroopers heading towards them.
"Split up!" Kev yelled, as Dave Solo and the Wookiee went one way, leaving Kev and the Princess.
"Can I feel your coat?" Kev asked.
"Come on, let's get out of here!" the Princess yelled.
They ran into a hallway that came to an extending bridge. Kev grabbed his rope and swung it to catch it on the rafters.
"Hurry, they are coming," Princess Chrissy shrieked.
"Heh heh, you said coming." Kev grinned.
As they started to go across, they looked at one another.
"Don't kiss me," Kev said.
"You wish, Captain Grey Hair." Chrissy replied, as they swung across.
Clif pulled out his saber as he walked the halls. He rounded a corner and ran into Dike Vader.
"The circle is now complete," Dike Vader said. "When I left you, I was but the simple pledge, now I am the Lesbian Sister."
Their sabers clashed as they exchanged useless banter.
"You can't win, Dike Vader." Clif smiled. "If you strike me down, Faith will become more angry than you can ever imagine."
Dave Solo and FulaytarBacca hid behind a corner, as Kev and Princess Chrissy came up behind them.
All the SAETroopers were watching the fight between Dike Vader and Clif... not the battle itself, but when you are that stoned, sabers put off some very interesting light.
"Let's go!" Kev yelled as they ran towards the ship. GenoD2 and Jim3PO came up, with Jim still ranting and raving about nothing.
As they dashed towards the ship, Clif lowered his saber and allowed the Dark Lesbian of the Sith to strike him down.
"Sorry Clif," Kev said amidst the gunfire, "but I ain't stopping."
The Millennium Supreme blasted off into space.
"We did it!" Princess Chrissy exclaimed, hugging Fulaytarbacca.
"Rowrr," was the reply, which in Wookieese is "You didn't do a crapping thing... what's this we stuff?"
"Are they away?" Grand Moff Tucker asked.
"Yes," Dike Vader said.
"Are you sure the homing device is on the ship?"
"Yes. We will follow them to their Rebel base, and destroy them. Soon, all the campus will be Greek and answering to the whim of superiors like Kappa Deltas and Alpha Gams!"
Princess Chrissy and Dave Solo sat in the cockpit, while Fulaytarbacca was repairing in the back.
"We've got to get GenoD2 to our Rebel base, so we can find a weakness to the Kappa Death Star," Princess Chrissy said. "It's not over yet."
"It is for me," Dave Solo said. "I've got bills to pay. I expect to be rewarded."
"And you will. If money is what you love, then that's what you'll get." Princess Chrissy got up and walked out, as Kev was coming in.
"She's cute," Dave Solo said.
"Trying not to think of her," Kev replied. "I think she likes you."
"You think she likes me? That'd be cool."
"No, nimrod. I think she likes DREW"
The Supreme landed on the planet FarmHouse, and GenoD2 was plugged in to be analyzed.
Dave Solo, Fulaytarbacca, and Kev sat and listened to the administrators talk, while Princess Chrissy attempted to take her hair out of those buns it had been in for the last twenty pages.
"The Chapter Room is heavily shielded, and carries a snobbiness about it greater than half of Troy. Its defenses are designed around a large scale assault, but it doesn't consider a small one man ship to be a threat. If a shot can be made here, in the chapter rooms cosmetic and bow storage, the loss of these vital sorority items will cause a chain reaction of selfconciousness to go throughout the Panhellinic Council, which will lead to the self-destruction of all of them. You will have to maneuver straight around this quad to a target area, which is only about two meters wide."
"It's not impossible," Kev told Dave Solo," I used to bullseye third graders in my Amigo back home, they’re not much bigger than a meter or so."
Grand Moff Tucker viewed the screen to see the rebel base in sight.
"We should be able to fire upon the base in about thirty minutes," Dike Vader said.
"You know, you didn't have to kill Clif," Tucker whined. "He's so cute... he would've made a great prisoner."
Kev SpiveyWalker came out in his X-wing gear to see Dave Solo loading up his money.
"Why don't you stick around? It's getting fun," Kev said.
"I can't, I have Discover bills to pay off," Dave Solo replied.
Kev walked away, and came up to Princess Chrissy.
"Good luck, Spivey," the Princess said.
"You need to go talk to Dave," Kev said.
"Why, to see if I could get him to stick around, because he's a good pilot and he would be good for our cause?"
"I don't care about that, but I think he likes you. Go talk to him, or something."
"I'm not going to kiss you now either.... no offense."
The X-wings began to lift off and head towards the Kappa Death Star. The chants were heard, as all pilots sounded off.
"Gold leader standing by," Kev spoke.
"Red leader, standing by," Langer said.
"Blue leader standing by," Adam Ellis said.
"Orange leader standing by," Wilkes said.
"Black leader standing by," Terry Tucker said.
"Green leader standing by," Jazz said.
"Aqua Leader standing by," Drew said.
"Rainbow leader, standing by," Jason Scott said.
The ships began to move into attack formation, as they neared the Kappa Death Star Chapter Room battle station.
"I'm going in," Kev said, as he steered his ship into the trench.
"I'm gonna follow," Forrest Miller said. He didn't get very far, because Kev blew him away.
"What did you do that for?:" Green Leader Jazz asked.
"Cause I got tired of him," Kev replied.
A guard came into the room where Dike Vader stood, in all her masculine femininity.
"Lezzy Vader, their ships are too small for our guns."
"We'll have to destroy them ship to ship," Dike Vader said. "Get the Delta Chi Fighters and the Sigma Chi Fighters ready.
Kev looked on as he saw an X-wing crash into the surface. "That was only Sloppy... I can do without him too." He knew it was Sloppy from the rebel flag flying from the ship's engine.
Kev... trust your feelings...
For a second, SpiveyWalker thought he was hearing things. Then he thought it was all that pot smoke inhaled from the SAETrooper helmet. Then suddenly in the background, GenoD2 started playing Jesus Freak.
Princess Chrissy, on Farmhouse, looked up, smacked her forehead with her palm and yelled, "That's where I left my CD!"
"Okay, here come the frat fighters!" Red Leader Langer yelled.
"I see them," Kev flew around and blasted a few. Ink, his good friend from back home who was never mentioned before in the story and probably won't be until the 20th anniversary special edition of this story comes out, flew in behind him.
"We are switching to targeting computers," Blue Leader Huck said. "I can't maneuver!"
"Stay on target!" Yellow Leader Szymendera said, taking a drag from his cigarette. "Can you fire, Mauve Leader?"
"I am on it," Mauve Leader Nathan responded.
"This is it," Periwinkle Leader Wyatt exclaimed, diving into the trench. "Let's prepare our attack run."
Huck, Szymendera, Nathan and Wyatt went into the trench with Kev and Aqua Leader Drew. Rainbow Leader Jason Scott did his best to cover them from behind.
The Sigma Chi fighters followed them in.
"I am in range," Nathan said. "Hold them off for a few seconds... almost there... almost there..."
"I can't hold them!" Wyatt yelled as his ship exploded from a shot from behind.
Dike Vader and two KDs came into the trench, following the others.
"Almost there.... It's away!" Nathan yelled.
"Did you get it?" Kev asked.
"No good, didn't have enough fingers to fire it right."
Kev was getting set for his attack run, as he saw Huck and Nathan go down in flames.
"Okay, you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself, doggone it," Kev smirked. "Wilkes... and Pink Leader Ink... get set, we are going full throttle, top speed, I'm talking all the way."
The three ships flew faster.
"Will we be able to pull out in time?" Wilkes asked
"Just like Thrill Hill back home," Kev asked.
"We are taking a lot of shots from that tower ahead," Ink said.
"You take care of those Sigma Chi Fighters, I'll worry about that tower."
Faster and faster they went, down the trench, to certain doom. Dike Vader and her two KDs came right up behind.
"I'm hit.... " Ink said. "I've got to pull out... but I'll be back to be insignificant another story." His ship flew out.
"I'm hit too!" Wilkes shrieked, but he didn't have time to pull out. His ship exploded in a ball of flames.
As the doom music played in the background, Kev looked into his scope.
Use the force, SpiveyWalker....
came the thought,.
"Uh, no Clif.... I'll miss it."
No you won't, SpiveyWalker
"Would you shut up? I'm trying to concentrate."
No, turn off your scope... your eyes can deceive you
Kev cussed him.
It's so endearing when you cuss... fine, I'll shut up
"Thank you," Kev said.
"The force is strong with this one," Dike Vader said, behind him.
"Kev, is there a problem?" Princess Chrissy asked. "You are talking to yourself."
"Nah, I got it. Shut up."
Dike Vader got Kev in range, but suddenly, a shot came from nowhere. Dike Vader's ship veered to the left, and the other two crashed into each other, exploding.
"Okay, SpiveyWalker, blast this thing so we can go home. We've got study hall tonight!" came Dave Solo's voice on the comlink.
Kev fired the shots that went in, and a few seconds later, the night sky was filled with bows and Mary Kay as the Kappa Death Star exploded into a million sorority pieces.
The doors opened, and Kev SpiveyWalker, Fulaytarbacca and Dave Solo walked out to the large ceremony room. Each side was lined with troops standing in their best uniforms. The music played as the three heroes walked to the front. Princess Chrissy, hair in braids now, stood before them.
GenoD2 and Jim3PO stood polished, as Princess Chrissy leaned over and placed a medal of honor on Fulaytarbacca, and then gave him a leg of lamb. She placed a medal on Kev SpiveyWalker, and then gave him a replica of her jacket. She then put a medal on Dave Solo, and handed him her phone number. He smiled, then smirked when he saw that she was pointing to the number, then to a guy standing in the front row. It was Aqua Leader Drew. "Can you give this to him?" she mouthed. Dave Solo sighed and nodded.
They then faced the crowd in the moment of glory.