I'll Be In the Bathroom If You Need Me

My stomach hurts.

Its 1145pm, I just in from work at The Bucks, and my stomach still hurts from lunch. Where, you ask, was lunch? At the nearby Top China Buffet, a place that is slowly earning its place in the elite group of things I like to call the Cindy Howell Circle of Unwanted Desirability--that is, stuff you know will break you, but you feel drawn to it anyway. (Which is one of several human nature hypotheses I've developed from people along the way, joining the Susie Franks Relational Corollary and the Dixon Brock Attraction Theory, but thats for another day)

I like meeting people for lunch, do it all the time. Guys and girls, lunches are good ways to catch up and chat and have fun. In fact, I was supposed to meet my pal Jaci at Top China one of these days. But, I do enjoy eating alone sometimes. Just like going to the movies alone, you don't have to keep up with anyone, talk to anyone, just go, do your thing and leave. I take a book with me, sit and read while I eat.

I hate traditional Chinese food. Now, I do like some Japanese, which I guess could be the same things, depending on your slant on things. Ha! I crack myself up. (no, i'm not going to hell, but a jewel just popped out of my crown for that remark). Yes, I just wrote a column on race, and yes I'm now joking about a Chinese resaturant. All "you're a hypocrite" emails can be sent straight to me, care of...

Top China Buffet is one of those Asian food places where you pay one price, eat all you want. I've been going there about once every two weeks, occassionally more every so often, for a month or two now, and you can add it to Kelly Clarkson, Black Cherry Vanilla Coke, Lost, The Sports Guy, crappy Nic Cage action movies and Cold Case Files on A&E as stuff I'm addicted too. My addiction list runs much further, really, but you get the point.

I had to run up to the church today for a few minutes, so I thought, "before I go, I'll stop and eat me some Top China Buffet." I had planned on having my quiet time first, but I figured I would do that tonight during my break at work (which I did) and today, just take the book I'm reading.

Today, I had waaaay too much sweet & sour chicken, though its not really sweet & sour without the sauce (I just douse it in ketchup), some sesame chicken, some imitation crab salad--which, by the way, I think I like better than real crab meat, green jello and a few other assorted and assundried things. Things that weren't the great for me. Not in the least.

Three weird phenomenons I've noticed in this place--

1) Tons of Mexicans. They love this stuff (should I say "we" love this stuff?). Funny how I've never seen any Chinese people in a Mexican restaurant.

2) The music. Last time I was in there, I heard songs that sounded like The Beach Boys and Celine Dion... except it was in an Oriental language. It was as if someone had translated "My Heart Will Go On" into Mandarin, and begun to sing with the Titanic Soundtrack in the background. I also swear I heard Hasselhoff.

3) Fried crab salad. Its the weirdest darn stuff, but I LOVE IT. Had a heapin' helping of it. Don't know... don't want to know... how they make it.

I actually grabbed some stuff labeled "Bacon Crab Wrap". Didn't look like bacon or crab, but I took some anyway. Took a bite when I got to the table... it was crusty, with some sort of brown paste inside. It wasn't until I went back for seconds (thirds?) that I realized the Bacon Crab Wrap was on the other side, very obvious it was crab wrapped in bacon. Again... don't know... don't want to know... what I was eating at first.

If I were to tell you the result of my lunch and its after effects on me today, the letters "T", "M" and "I" would probably pop in most of your brains (except for the Deuce guys... they'd be proud of me). Well, enough about that. I'm going to grab the book I actually am reading and... well, take some time out for me.

PS... Don't forget--March 5th, the 2006 Academy Awards Running Diary... and Friday, Dave's Weekly Reality Check with this week's American Idol & Survivor