Ten Disney Must-Do's (Part II)

I think because I work at The Happiest Place in the Mall, The Lovely Steph Leann and I have become sort of "de facto go-to" people for advice on The Most Magical Place on Earth. We are by no means experts, but through trial and error, we've figured out a whole heckuva lot to do, and not to do. I go through some of this on a blog from 2008, called "How To Do Disney", but am always looking around for more tips and advice.

All that is to say I am by no means a Disney expert--but I do have some fun stuff to share. Just today, my ol' friend Deniece emailed me to tell me that she and her family are headed to The Most Magical Place on Earth tomorrow (!) and wanted to know about character meet & greets. So I wrote a rather lengthy discertation on who to find where, what lines to watch out for and so on. Yes, I'm a nerd. But such a magical one.

Before we finish our Ten Disney Must-Do's, I wanted to give you a few things that are worth experiencing, and I didn't include them because they either fall just outside the Top Ten, or because they are so intregal to a Disney Experience, I figured it wasn't a suggestion, it was a no-brainer...

• Fast Passes (this is vital for big rides and attractions)...
• The Monorail (sometimes its nice just to ride around the resort and park)...
• Downtown Disney (unbelievable shopping, a Lego store, a Toy store and great eats)...
• Package Resort Deliveries (did you know that if you are staying onsite, you can buy something and have it shipped back to your room the next day? or if you are not staying onsite, or are leaving the next day, you can have it taken to the front of the park so you can get it on the way out)
• Main Street Confectionary (on the corner of Main Street in the Magic Kingdom, they've got cotton candy, candied apples, M&Ms and Jelly beans of dozens of colors and these big, fat marshmellow krispy bars dipped in chocolate)
• The American Idol Experience (This is fun to watch the first time. Don't know that I'd do it over and over)

If you missed it, here's Part I... here's the rest of d$'s Disney Must-Do's...

5. Pin Hopping
We are pin traders. We love it. If you don't care about pins, if you don't care about trading, then keep reading anyway. Just do part of it.


Here are lanyards that The Lovely Steph Leann and myself use when we go to the parks. Hers are the two on the left, mine are the two on the right. And yes, we only wear one at a time, the extra is a spare lanyard with extra pins.

The resort monorail goes from The Magic Kingdom to Contemporary to the Transportation & Ticket Center to the Polynesian to the Grand Floridian and back to the Magic Kingdom. Riding the rails on a hot afternoon is wonderful, if only for the air conditioning, the comfy seats and the relaxing whirrrrrr of the monorail.

However, if you want to do a little pin hunting, hop the monorail and ride it three stops to get to the Polynesian between 5p & 5:30p. They have a "pin board" they pull out and put on display, and you are welcome to trade two pins off of the board (when you are done, go get some Dole Whip in the Polynesian's food court). Get back on the monorail, and go to the Grand Floridian, because between 6p and 630, they also have a pin board they pull out. Again, you can trade up to 2 pins per person.


Here is what The Lovely Steph Leann was looking for... Small World pins. The ones on the left she got last time at Downtown Disney's Pin Trader's area, but didn't find anymore this time. The ones on the right she found this past trip.

Hope on the monorail once more, then take it 2 stops to The Contemporary, where they have the best, biggest pin board of the three. You have a full hour to peruse the pins on this set-up, but you can only trade one single pin per person--so choose carefully.


Going into this trip, I had 12 of 13 possible "Fast Pass" pins--pins that look like... well, "Fast Passes". Each series has one ride from each park (with the 2nd series having 2 from Magic Kingdom). My goal was to find the Mickey's PhilharMagic pin to finish my entire set. I found it on day 2.

Its a great way to see the resorts, see some pins that you might not otherwise see, you can take a minute and eat at any of the three resorts, and you'll find that you'll see the same people from resort to resort, sometimes striking up a conversation and a temporary, two hour kinship, as those in lines and areas are wont to do.

4. Soarin'
I love this ride. Its just magnificent. As soon as they allow you into Epcot, head straight for this ride, and get in line. You can get a Fast Pass, but many times it takes too long--try and get one after the ride, it will be a good ride to come back to around noon, when its 118 degrees outside.

You travel through the terminal of the ride, and are directed to stand in one of three lines (if you can, ask for the front row... you might have to wait until the next ride, but its worth it). A video comes up, and Puddy tells you about your flight, putting your stuff in the underseat compartment and all that. The doors open, you go in and see rows of hanging chairs. You take your seat, buckle in and wait.



Finally, the ride lifts. If you are on the front, you are lifted over 50 feet in the air (the second row goes up 35, the third up about 20), but if you are afraid of heights, you don't feel the air you've taken. The screen lights up, and you find yourself literally "Soaring" over California locales like Monteray, San Francisco, Napa Valley, Yosemite, Malibu, San Diego and more... when you soar over orange groves, you get a whiff of citrus, you feel air rushing to your face and you feel like you are really hang gliding.

If not the best part, its right up there, is the music. Its simple, its peaceful, its not all sappy, its calming yet powerful. Its a perfect start to your Epcot day.

3. Wishes Fireworks
As you sit down for the SpectroMagic Parade, keep your spot until 10, for Wishes, especially if you are in front of the castle. At 10, you'll hear your host, Jiminy Cricket, and then the fireworks begin... and really, no one, and I mean no one, does fireworks like The Most Magical Place on Earth.

How much can I say about fireworks? Here's some shots from The Lovely Steph Leann's camera...




What's more, its not just about the fireworks, though thats the major part of it. Its the castle itself, lit up in blue, green, pink, purple and other bright colors, matching the fireworks. Its the crowd's "ooooh" and "aaaaah" that, thought cliche, is fun to listen to. Its the kids around you laughing as they marvel and clap and scream in joy at the loud bangs and firecrackers lighting up the sky. And the fact that not once have I ever smelled that burned fireworks smell that you get at just about any other fireworks display... sometimes the best Magic is the stuff you don't experience.

2. Get a Character Meal... or At Least, Eat Somewhere Nice
This is a vacation. And its not just any vacation, its a Disney vacation, one that you hopefully have saved for, prepared for, planned for and waited for... The Lovely Steph Leann and I are blessed to be able to take several trips, but for some families, it is a once in a lifetime--or at least, a once in a very-long-time--trip. This ain't Six Flags, friends, this is Walt Disney World.


If you can get in, I highly recommend Le Cellier in Epcot's Canada. Its a fantastic steakhouse and seafood place, but you'll need reservations, or hope you get lucky.

Eat.

You'll have plenty of chances to do so, by the way. There are restaurants everywhere, so you'll just have to figure out what you want, but find a fun place to eat for the family. Have a "table service" meal, eat a steak, or a big bowl of lasagna, or some fish or something. Let the kids let loose and have some pizza. Disney servers are fantastic, and are trained well to give you a great experience, and most restaurants will work with you on allergins and such.


This is at the Supercalifragilistic Breakfast at The Grand Floridian, where you'll meet Alice, Pooh, Tigger, Mary Poppins, and of course, The Mad Hatter, who is always a fun character to meet.

Character meals are awesome, though. Depending on which characters you want to see (Pooh? Tigger? Mickey? Pluto? Lilo & Stitch?), and when you want to eat (breakfast? lunch? dinner? late dinner? brunch?), and where you want to eat (in the parks? in the resort?) there are a ton of places to go.


A fun picture of The Lovely Steph Leann and Tigger

Take the pictures, enjoy the experience.

And finally... my current Number One Must Do at The Most Magical Place on Earth...

1. Toy Story Mania
You will have more fun on this ride than possibly any other ride in the park. The Rockin' Roller Coaster is faster. The Tower of Terror will kick you in the stomach harder. Small World is more classic. Everest is bigger. But Toy Story Midway Mania appeals to anyone who's ever had fun throwing rings or tossing balls or trying to win at skee ball or trying to get those stupid little red tickets in an arcade... because "arcade" barely covers it.

You get in your little car, behind a goofy gun with a pull string. You put on the 3-D glasses, and then are whirled around to a screen where Jessie & Woody greet you, asking you to practice. You pull the string and... a little paintball appears on the screen, splattering a plate Woody is holding with red paint.



You are whisked away to five areas, breaking plates, popping balloons, tossing rings and more... your score is kept via your little digital readout, and the entire time, you are eager to beat the person next to you, and laughing all the way. Its awesome. The Lovely Steph Leann and I did it five times last February, and though we could only do it once, this is a ride that is on a short list of "we have to ride this everytime we go. Every. Time." kind of attractions.

Normally, I would strongly encourage you to get a Fast Pass for this ride as soon as the park opens, then ride it, leaving you Fast Passes for it later. However, this past trip, I raced ahead to get the Fast Passes, while St'ray, C'ray and The Lovely Steph Leann went to the line, where I'd catch up with them in just a few minutes. However, I'd never seen what I saw that morning... the Fast Pass line was a hundred persons deep. It stretched out of the Pixar Place gate and beyond. I said, out loud to no one in particular, "Forget this!" and joined the others in line.

We did end up getting Fast Passes for it later that morning, which allowed us to ride it after 6pm. We ended up giving them away, as we left the park before our Fast Pass time. So, judge accordingly, or get there first in line to get in the park to race to Toy Story Mania. If you are staying more than a few days, and are going to Hollywood Studios twice, get there early to ride this first... the next day you come to the Studios, you can go immediately to Tower of Terror and Rockin' Roller Coaster and probably be able to ride both a few times in a row, as everyone else is on the other side of the park.

So, there's my list of Ten Disney Must-Do's. You are welcome to add your own, or throw your own comments and advice in. The Lovely Steph Leann will be doing her own guest blog soon, telling her own Disney stories, so look for that hopefully next week!

Ten Disney Must-Do's (Part I)

There are hundred things I could tell you to do when you go to Walt Disney World. When people come into The Happiest Place in the Mall, asking questions about The Most Magical Place on Earth, I have to be careful not to be drawn into a 20 minute conversation, answering questions about the dining plan, the character meals, the places to find Mickey, the places to find Hidden Mickeys, the best (and worst) resorts and so on... I could make that list of a 100+ things, but I'm sure after about #12 or #14, I'd lose half of you, all but the most diehard Disney nuts.

I've been back a week from The Most Magical Place on Earth (the Lovely Steph Leann informed me that "The Happiest Place on the Earth" is actually DisneyLAND, while "The Most Magical Place on Earth" is DisneyWORLD. Yeah, whatever. I'll make the change from here.)

Anyway, I thought I would share some of my favorite parts of the magic. These are ten things I've chosen as my MUST-DO attractions, rides, events and experiences when you go to Disney. Perhaps you've done some, all or none of things, perhaps you've thought about some of them but wasn't sure, or perhaps you just need some ideas for a quick trip... well, here is your checklist, from my perspective...

10. Dole Whip
Its this ice cream they serve at Disney World, but its more than just ice cream... its soft serve. Its tasty. Its refreshing. Its Dole Whip. You can really only get this at two places in The World, one being The Polynesian Resort food court, the other being a little vendor in the Magic Kingdom, over in Adventureland. Its served in a glass of pineapple juice, topped with whipped cream and a cherry on top.



Its served in chocolate, strawberry, raspberry, mango and orange, but The Lovely Steph Leann usually goes pineapple, and I either go pineapple or vanilla. Its a Must-Eat.

9. Fantasmic
A couple of nights per week, Disney Hollywood Studios does a production unlike anything else in The World... its a production that involves Mickey Mouse, the Big Cheese, joins some of his closest friends, including Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Pluto, Belle, Pocohontas, John Smith, Rafiki, Cinderella and more, and they take on the evil villiany of Jafar, Hades, Cruella de Vil, Scar, Monstro and more. Maleficent shows up, turns into a dragon and when it looks like Good will fall to Evil... Mickey Mouse prevails!






What makes this a spectacle is the pyro and hydro-technics. There's fire, there's explosions, there are massive water screen geysers with full-on movie scenes projected onto them, and of course, there's magic and imagination. Get there early, maybe 45 minutes ahead of time, to get a good seat... you can also do "Dining Packages" with several of the Hollywood Studios restaurants, like Hollywood & Vine and Mama Melrose's, where you can eat and get special Fantasmic seating. This can be expensive, between $45 and $50 for adults, but it includes a full, more-than-you-can-eat meal... if you are on the Disney Dining Plan, this is well worth the investment. This is a Must-Do

8. Finding Nemo: The Musical
When walking around Animal Kingdom, you check out the Times Guide, and see "Finding Nemo: The Musical", at 11am, 1pm, 245pm and so on. You think of whether to spend the 30 minutes in line, the 20 minutes seated, waiting for the show to start, then the 45 minutes on the show itself, or spend all that time riding Everest, or Dinosaur or go on the Safari.


When Crush comes out, the audience cheers. As well they should.

So, you figure, its hot, your feet hurt, why not take a few minutes in the air conditioning, right? And what you see is a marvel. Its a show on par with The Lion King Broadway show, in its imagination, its color, its music, its puppets and more... here's what Chuck Schmidt in the Staten Island Advance had to say:

"Finding Nemo: The Musical" captures the best moments of the Disney/Pixar film in the refurbished -- as well as enclosed and air conditioned -- Theater in the Wild, the previous home to the "Tarzan Rocks!" stage show. But what makes "Nemo" so unique is the range of talents employed during the elaborate 40-minute production -- everything from puppets to dancers to acrobats are combined with strikingly colorful animated backdrops and a beautiful score to present what is truly an exhilarating experience.


Unless you just simply detest "Nemo", this show is a Must-Sea

7. Mickey's PhilHarmagic


When you are in Fantasyland, you need to take a stop into this attraction. You walk in, you put on your 3-D glasses, and hear Mickey, Minnie and Goofy getting ready for a big concerto. But where's Donald? He's missing! Open those curtains, and there's Donald, asleep. Mickey Mouse comes out, wakes Donald and instructs him to not "touch my hat!" And of course, Donald Duck puts on the Mickey's Sorcerer's Hat.



And it all takes place on a 150 foot, 3-D screen, and in it, you see Ariel, Simba, Lumiere, Aladdin, Jasmine, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell, and you hear some of greatest Disney tunes of all time... and Donald Duck is right in the middle of it all. Its wonderful. Its a Must-Do.

6. SpectroMagic
Currently, every night at 8pm, go around and find a spot either in front of the train station or town hall, or at the end of Main Street, perhaps around Cinderella's castle or even around the bridge. Have a seat, kick your feet up, rest a spell. Because at 9pm, the best parade around kicks off.. its the SpectroMagic Parade, filled with over 600,000 lights, over 100 miles of fiber optic strands and 72,000 watts of speaker power, all in 36 different floats or performers.



I'm not necessarily one for parades, really... I find the wait for them to be long, many times they are kinda silly, and having seen many a parade in my time, with everything from Miss Samson Misty Kimble sitting atop a car in a sequin dress waving insincerely at the crowd to Santa Claus tossing candy at the end of a Magic Kingdom procession... but SpectroMagic has me glued every time.



Perhaps its the little kid in me that just enjoys the lights, or the music, or Ariel in a bikini top, or whatever, but it makes me smile. Anything with that many lights makes me smile. Its a Must-See.

Tomorrow, Part II...

Hiatus

So, Wednesday morning, June 10th, at 1115a, The Lovely Steph Leann and myself will be joining our friends St'ray and C'ray and will be heading down to The Happiest Place on Earth... we'll be there until Monday, and if its like usual, I'll have very little access of blogging or posting anything...

So, I'll be off the blogpage for at least five days. And then after that, I'm going to take a week long blogging vacation, if you will. I'm sure I'll have lots to say, and lots to type, but I'm going to take a few days, re-focus some stuff, maybe stay off of Facebook a day or so, and just... well, be. Cause we all need that, don't we?

However, I do want to say really quick... thank you for reading this blog. I've got 14 people that now "subscribe" to it, about 15 more than I would have guessed I would have. And a number of people out there who send me emails, comment or just tell me outright "hey, I read this and..." and it never fails to make me smile and make me want to write more. I'm sure I'll be all mushy and stuff when I do Column #500 some time this summer, but for now, a big thank you.

Talk atcha soon.

Front Porch Sign Says Yard Sale

The front porch sign says yard sale... real estate sign says "sold"... family picnic table holds all that it can hold... on the grass and on the sidewalk, yeah there must be half the town... ain't it funny how a broken home can bring the prices down... Sammy Kershaw's "Yard Sale", from the 1991 album "Don't Go Near the Water".

Old school country, really. Its from Sammy's album "Don't Go Near the Water", debuting in 1991. It really is a little cheesy, but its pure, true country... the chorus says, "...They're sorting through whats left of you and me... paying yard sale prices for each golden memory... oh, I never thought I'd ever live to see... the way their sorting through whats left of you and me..."

The video is even better... poor Sammy watches his woman take her ring off, lay it on the table and slowly walk out. We see him just wander around the yard, watching people pay a few bucks each for all of the prized and cherished possessions of their marriage.

The video is here, but YouTube won't let me post it. Some crap about copyright infringement... whatever.

Anyway, this was all up in my mental jukebox this weekend as The Lovely Steph Leann and I raced around the house gathering up stuff out of The Cabana's depths, cabinets, closets and so on... we were invited by The Tebershaws to join in with their own yard sale... Tiffiany, the Tebershaw lady, is going to have herself a little baby, so she and Teber are working on clearing some space for a youngling. Gemini and Heather King recently downsized into a smaller habitat, so they had a bunch of stuff to get rid of.

I mean, its a yard sale. Stuff that you had five years ago, stuff that you held so dear and precious, stuff that you'd neeeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrr get rid of (and I say this tongue in cheek, as typically I was the one that did just that very thing) suddenly, now, don't seem so important. Yeah, there was a few things I kept, for reasons here and there, but sifting through boxes, seeing stuff I hadn't since before we left The Casa de Pesos for The Cabana

You left two Sunday dresses in the backporch and on the line... lady just brought them to me, said she thinks they'll fit just fine... well, there goes the baby's wagon and the mirror from the hall... I'd better take just one last look before they take it all...

Anyway, here's a few snapshots from the weekend...


The driveway of The Tebershaws home, where we lined up three couples worth of stuff. It was kinda comical to begin with, as we actually had an "electronics", a "home decor", a "Christmas" and an entire table of picture frames, of which we sold nearly all of them.


I finally sold what remained of my home video collection. Yes, I do have a few irreplaceable videos here at The Cabana, but mostly, this was it. Back in 2004, The Lovely Steph Leann and I--both married in our late 20s, so we carried into the marriage numerous things that we suddenly had two of, like dishes, furniture, movies, towels and so on, of which I had to get rid of most of mine because hers was better--joined forces with Mikey and his wife Ashleia, and we had a yard sale. Mikey and I, tenants of The Deuce, probably owned at least 600 videos between the two of us, and both of us were jumping headfirst into the DVD revolution.

Well, that yard sale, The Lovely Steph Leann and I made about 700 dollars, Mikey and Ashleia made somewhere around 500, and probably half of both of our totals was videos. And we managed to sell several this morning, first at $2, then $1 per. Top left, you'll see my Monkees video collection, when I used to get a tape each month with three episodes of the serious. I was a diehard Monkees fan back in the day, and still am to some respect. Wookiee used to make fun of me. The "Abs of Steel", however... not mine.


The price sticker says 25 cents on it, but we taxed it much more. Its a great cup, though. Whatever you put in it, it looks great and smells great and seems awesome on the outside. What you actually get, though? Not so much. (I had a dozen of these rolling this morning...)


Not sure which couple this belonged to, but it seemed like a funny picture... a contridiction, if you will.


Gemini sold some boots that had been worn in Iraq, carrying with it geniune Iraqi dirt.


Not to be outdone, this kangaroo puppet is straight from Australia. Seriously. My friend Darlene brought it to me when she went there on missions... finally, though, 12 years or so later, it was time to let it go.

That's the problem with friends that go on missions and bring stuff back... you feel so obliged to keep it, because not only were they nice enough to think of you, but its stuff thats from... well, around the world. Scotty Latta brought us back a stuffed banana, while my little sister Ashley brought back some Chinese stuff from... China. We've still got them.

My most prized "missions gift" though is a hand carved mancala set from South Africa that my friend AmyAlex brought back years ago. She and I have lost touch, but I still have that set, and won't get rid of it for anything.

On another topic, The Lovely Steph Leann and I find ourselves... well, I "find" myself, she seeks it out... watching "Clean House" on, what, Oxygen? WE? Style! Yeah, that's it, Style... anyway, I preferred "Clean Sweep" on TLC, mostly because it amused me that a family show would sample "Blowin' Me Up With Her Love" by JC Chasez for its title tune, but "Clean House" is the same concept... in the show, usually around the yard sale time, the head designer appeals to the homeowner about a certain item, one that they just don't want to get rid of, because it holds a special memory of a loved one, often times deceased.

For me, this moment came when this woman picked up my dad's old camera.

It was a Minolta, with two lenses, and one of those flashes that towered above the camera itself, in a big column, and the flash faces out in a rectangle. It was in the case, still with the instructions, had been used maybe, four, five times, ever. Value of the camera when purchased, with all the accrutrements? At least $400. And here it was, some 23, 24 years after it had been bought, and almost 10 years since my dad passed, the camera sat on the table with a $20 price tag. And this woman dared to haggle me about the price. Actually, I had already marked it down to $10, so I didn't understand why this woman wouldn't pay the full ten, not bring it down more...

Of course, to her it was just an old camera, much like if I went to her house and spotted a 1987 edition of Univision Monthly on her table... to me, just an old magazine, to her it might contain a special story that means something, or perhaps her cousin was featured in a novella on that Thursday night or whatever... one man's trash...

So, she paid 7. I took the money, she put the camera strap on her shoulder, and she walked away. I stood, silently, watching the camera go down the driveway, disappear into a hatchback and drive away forever. With my right hand, I wiped away a little moisture in my eye (it was dusty in that garage, mind you) and then went out marking other stuff down, as it was getting later in the day.

MZ asked me later why I got rid of it, and at first, I didn't know... but I knew. It was taking up space. I was never, ever going to use it. It was so old, I wasn't even sure it all worked. And I've got mementos from my dad from before he died, so it wasn't as if this camera held a lock of his hair or something... it was... well, it was just a thing. And I'm okay with it being gone.


What I wrote on the box speaks for itself.


On top, kids, thats a Vee Cee Are... it stands for Video Cassette Recorder. Say it with me... Vee... Cee... Are... and below that is a DVD player that we only sold because we just bought a Blu Ray player.

I wanted to keep this one, and replace one upstairs in the guest room... this one here belonged to me, therefore, it was a better machine, and the one I wanted to replace belonged to The Lovely Steph Leann. And guess which one we still have, and which one we sold. Yup.


Was there any bigger misleading investment potential than that of Beanie Babies? The Lovely Steph Leann even commented that ten years ago, these things would go for a few bucks more than the 50 cents we were selling them for here.

So that was our yard sale, and our end of it pulled in about $230 or so. Course, to look in The Cabana's hallways and such, you wouldn't know that anything was missing... everything just collapsed in on itself to fill the now empty space.

"Oh, they're sorting through what's left of you and me... paying yard sale prices for each golden memory... oh, I wonder what you'd say if you could see... the way they're sorting through whats left of you and me...."

What I Was Going To Say Was

I was totally going to blog tonight about some random stuff... then I just got busy...

...what I was going to tell you was that I saw "Observe and Report" tonight at the $1 theater with Mikey. It was pretty terrible. It was a random (not in a good way) movie, it didn't go anywhere, it veered off into fifteen different directions, it wanted to be a comedy but still wanted to be taken as "smart" comedy, which it wasn't. Out of every character in that movie, including a usually reliable Seth Rogan's Ronnie, Anna Faris and several other "that guys" and B-listers, including Ray Liotta, the ONLY character in the entire movie I actually liked was that of Nell, the Cinnamon Bun stand worker, played by Collette Wolfe... otherwise, the movie was really lame...


Nell works at the Toast The Bun cinnamon place in the mall, and really the only likable person in this film.

...And after that, I was going to tell you this random story...

On the way over to the movie theater, I stopped at the Chevron across the street to get a few snacks to smuggle into the theater. Oh, stop it, you know you've done it before. Anyway, I had my iPod on, and was somehow listening to Puff Daddy (as he was known at the time) and The Notorious B.I.G. The song that had just come on my earbuds was "Hypnotize", so as I'm getting out of the car, I'm not thinking about it, and the words I'm actually saying aloud are "Biggie biggie biggie biggie can't you see, sometimes your words just hypnotize me..." But that wasn't all. As I entered the Chevron, I continued with, "And I just love your flashy ways, I guess that's why they so broke and yo' so paid..." A few funny looks from the brothers buying oversized cans of Budweiser and Molton made me realize that I, d$, am not the right guy to be emulating Biggie Smalls. I got my Peanut Butter M&Ms and my Yoo-Hoo and left right quick.

...I was also going to tell you I had a great conversation with another high school friend, this the sister of K Dub. Kelly! Kelli! Kelle! and I had been talking here and there a few times via Facebook, doing a little catch up, but only in short sentences, and tonight, we were actually able to chat a while.


There's K-Dub on the left, Kelly! Kelli! Kelle! on the right. Perhaps Kel Dub might even, one day, get her own picture in the sidebar...

...I was going to mention that The Lovely Steph Leann and I have been busy little bees the last few nights, as we are preparing for a yard sale with our friends, the Tebershaws. Holy smokes, the crap we've managed to pull out of the closets and such. We've only been in The Cabana a little over a year, but we are finding stuff that five years ago, we couldn't bear to part with, while now? Gone. Let'er go.

...And with that, I was going to say that Tuesday night, we just took a break. Well, actually, we got started late. I don't know why, but the television was on the Biography Channel, and somehow we ended up watching the ABBA biography. It was awesome. By the way, their first song as a group was called "People Need Love", and they called themselves Bjorn & Benny, Agnetha & Ani-Frid. Well, this was cumbersome to say, to write and to work with, so according to Wiki...

In early 1973, their manager Stig Anderson, tired of unwieldy names, started to refer to the group privately and publicly as ABBA. At first, this was a play on words, as Abba was also the name of a well-known fish-canning company in Sweden. However, since the fish canners were unknown outside Sweden, Anderson came to believe the name would work in international markets. A competition to find a suitable name for the group was held in a Gothenburg newspaper. The group was impressed with the names "Alibaba," "FABB," and "Baba", but in the end all the entries were ignored and it was announced in the summer that the name "ABBA" was official. Later the group negotiated with the canners for the right to the name.[21] "ABBA" is an acronym formed from the first letters of each group member's name: Agnetha, Björn, Benny and Anni-Frid (Frida). The first 'B' in the logo version of the name was "mirror-image" reversed on the band's promotional material from 1976 onwards and became the group's registered trademark. The first time the name is found written on paper is on a recording session sheet from the Metronome Studio in Stockholm, dated 16 October 1973. This was first written as "Björn, Benny, Agnetha & Frida", but was subsequently crossed out with "ABBA" written in large letters on top.

Dude, I love me some ABBA, and am not afraid to admit it. I should do an entire post on this band, and might one day.

...I wanted to talk about "John Adams", the HBO Mini-series that The Lovely Steph Leann and I have been watching. We finished part 2 of 7, and already, its magnificent. Its just a wonderful piece of film thusfar, with Paul Giamatti as the title character doing a great job. It might just stolen out from under him, though, with Tom Wilkinson as Benjamin Franklin, who is hilarious and perfect at the same time. The big surprise? How much I love the character of Abigail Adams. I already dig on Laura Linney anyway, one of my favorite actresses, but her take on the strained and sacrificial wife of John Adams is nearly flawless.

...At some point, I was going to give a shout out to Mindy D'A. Got an email from her earlier today, a very thoughtful, considerate and surprising email. And I wanted to publicly say "Hey thanks. You're a sweetheart, to the max." And I'll answer that as soon as I come up with how I want to answer it. Hopefully, that doesn't tell you everything the answer might say, but it possibly does.

...I was also going to acknowledge that yes, its time for new music on the Clouds. And I promise, it will come soon enough.

...I was also going to tell you all that we'll be headed back to The Happiest Place on Earth on Wednesday! The Lovely Steph Leann and myself, along with our friends St'ray and C'ray, will be driving down on Wednesday, visiting the parks on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then headed back to Monday. We are really big fans of St'ray and C'ray, and look forward to hanging out with them at Magical Kingdoms!

So, with that, I don't even know if I'll have time to blog about any of this stuff...

Happy Times

There are people in this world who are good. There are people who are great. There are people who are simply amazing. There are people who are just so fantastic you just want to give a big hug to, and say, "Wow. You're great. Amazing. Just so fantastic." And there are people who leave something to be desired. There are people who are bad. There are people who are simply jerks. There are people so jerky, you just want to kick in the neck and say, "Wow. You leave something to be desired. You're bad. A jerk. Just so jerky. Stand still while I kick you in the neck."

Either way, people are truly fascinating. And this is never more apparent than when you spend time at The Happiest Place in the Mall. These are... Happy Times.

"The Mom-down Throwdown"
There's a young lady who comes into The Happiest Place in the Mall with her daughter. I recognized them both quickly, chatted with them for a minute, and went about dispensing magic to other guests.

I went backstage for a few minutes, probably checking for a XS Stitch shirt or something of that nature, and when I returned to the stage, I noticed Daughter in tears, with Mom squatting next to her, consoling her. The Happiest Place in the Mall is no place for tears, so I walked over and kneeled down, asking if everything was okay. Mom assured me it was with a weak smile, glancing over my shoulder with a scowl.

I left Mom and Daughter to their own, went back to the box office register, dealt with other guests. Mom finally came up with bag of magic, ready to purchase, when I inquired what was wrong. She then whispered to me to look at the three little children--two boys and a girl--running amok in the back while the parentals were not paying a lick of attention. "See that little blond girl? For no reason at all, she came up, pushed Daughter down, started teasing and poking at her. Daughter is shy, but she's very polite and there was no reason for this. I almost went crazy on that little girl, and her parents? Nowhere to be seen. They are on the other side of the store doing their own thing, not watching their children. I even saw one of the little boys rolling all over the plush mountain back there, climbing up, tossing plush everywhere... " Mom growled a bit, "there's no need for this. If parents would watch their children..." she trailed off, still gritting her teeth.

She was right about Daughter. The times I've seen the pair in our store, Daughter has been very behaved, a "yes sir" and "no ma'am" kind of kid, even at 3 years of age. Wish all the kids that came in were as well adjusted. Mom was brewing and steaming. She had a right to be. I ended up walking back to the back where the trinity of romper room was engaged in chaos and destruction, and had to get one of them off of the plush mountain. Their parents were truly around the other side of the store, not a care in the world. Happy times.

"The Confusing Bag Math"
In The Happiest Place in the Mall, we do sell re-usable shopping bags. Its a direction the entire company is taking, that of the "Green" persuasion, and while I'm not adverse to helping the environment, I personally don't seek out ways to earn carbon credits. As it stands, though, this is my job, and I have no problem getting a $2.50 big Mickey bag into someones hands, especially when we sell 300+ of them in a given week... which we did a few weeks ago during our bag promotion.

It worked like this... you buy a bag for $2.50. When you buy this bag, anything you put into this bag is automatically 40% off, whether its on sale or not. (was this hard to understand? Those two sentences were what I said to guests, and it really did seem like it was easy to get...)

If you were coming in to just buy a $4.50 Buzz Lightyear soft baseball, or perhaps a $5.50 Princess lip gloss ring set, this promotion wouldn't do you any good, unless of course, you wanted a bag anyway, which many people did. But if your purchases went up to $7.50 or more, you essentially got the bag for free... follow the math... $7.50 for whatever, plus $2.50 for the bag, equals $10. Take off the 25%, and that leaves you... $7.50. Right? Right.

Now, for anyone who's been at The Happiest Place in the Mall lately, you'll probably understand that 87% of our products probably top $7.50. This means you can save yourself some great money... but I can understand why people are so reluctant. Every time you check your email, there's some spam asking you to "click here" and get a whatever. Turn on the tv, you can see a great offer for something that looks cool, but there's tiny, tiny print at the bottom that reads something like, "Everything this commercial just said is a lie, we won't do any of this as promised, we'll just bilk you dry." Actually, that might have been an Obama ad...

Anyway, its rare to have an offer be simply cut and dry, so even though ours was simply buy this and save, I can get how people would be resistant. They wouldn't take the bag when offered on the floor, but when they got to the register and were informed their $47 purchase can become $35 and some change by simply spending $2.50 more, nearly everyone did it.

I did say "nearly".

Me: Hi there. Find everything you needed this afternoon? (picking up Eeyore and Pooh plush)
Guest: Yep. (he nods his head. He's wearing a Junior hat, cigs in the front pocket of his faded sleeveless shirt)
Me: Alrighty... well, the plush are 2 for $15 plus tax, but if you get this bag for $2.50, you'll save 25% on everything...
Guest: (blank stare... blank stare... brain computing...) Naw thanks.
Me: Seriously (not wanting to harp on this, but am positive he doesn't get it). Its' $16.35 total. However... with the bag, you're only going to pay $14.30 total.
Guest: (blank stare... computing... blank stare... computing...) No thanks.
Me: Okay, well, since, uh, you don't want the bag (I smile) you'll pay me two bucks more! That's $16.35
Guest: (blank stare... computing... hamster on wheel is getting tired... computing) Thanks.

Lest you think I'm picking on the country boy...

Heather: Hi, is this going to be it for you today?
Guest: Yep. This is all I need (hands over the black bag full of stuff. She's probably in her 40s, dressed in her best business casual, looks a little hurried.)
Heather: Will you be getting to bag today and saving 25% on everything?
Guest: No, I don't want the bag.
Heather: Okay, well, your total is going to be $61... but I have to tell you, if you spend $2.50 on this bag, you'll save 25% on everything
Guest: I don't need that bag.
Me: Ma'am, you would save about $15. No kidding. (not trying to be rude, but making sure she understands that she will be giving us FIFTEEN DOLLARS LESS by taking this black bag off of our hands)
Guest: Fine. (sighs) Give me the stupid bag.
Heather: Okay, with the bag, minus the 25%, you're new total is $47.34
Guest: Fine (pays for the magical merchandise, takes the bag, hurries out)
Heather: Wow (looks at me) She didn't seem happy about that, did she?

Out of nowhere comes Ol' Joe, who has been at the front greeting the guests. He's holding a crumpled black bag. "She came up to me, pulled all of her stuff out and then shoved this bag in my hands. Said she didn't want this bag." I looked at Heather, she looked at me, and I sighed, "You know, maybe we should just toss the bag on there anyway, and then when they come back and ask us to take it off the receipt, we'll tell them they owe us what they saved."

Finally...

Me: Hello! Is this snowglobe going to be it for you today?
Guest: Yes, thanks. (she's young, maybe 18, maybe a year or two less or more. She's short, she pulls out all of her cash, piecing together 1s and 5s to try and pay for it)
Me: Alright, well your total is going to be $26.88, but if you let me put it in this black bag, your total would be $19.58.
Guest: How much is the bag?
Me: Well, its only $2.50, and you'll save 25% on all your purchases, which would be this snowglobe. You'll pay me about 6 or 7 dollars.
Guest: Nah. No bag.
Me: Okay, well then, your total is not $19.58, its actually $26.88. (I look up, and a 30-something mom is standing behind this current guest. She locks eyes with me and rolls them. I smile, and in my smile, I say, "I dunno. Sometimes I don't think people listen to what I'm trying to tell them, they just assume its a rip off, and really, all we are doing is trying to get rid of these black Mickey bags")

30-Something Mom smiles back at me, seemingly understanding my one second smile and glance, and then, standing behind this young lady who is paying me $6 more than she should have to, Mom says, loudly, "You know, I just don't get how some people don't want to save money."

I put all my focus back on the guest in front of me, who clearly heard this, and is awkwardly squirming. I gave her back her change, smiled, wished her a happy day and she took off. Inwardly, though, I found a rock and hid under it. Happy times.

"Kodak Moments"
Ah, the picture taking. Yes, yes, you love to lay your little newborn onto the mountain of plush and snap pics... or perhaps you are your 14 year old girl friends all want to hold Mickey and take a picture with your $400 iPhone your mom and dad bought you... or maybe you and your beloved just want to hold up Donald and Daisy together, snap a pic for the scrapbook, since while you were dating, people called you Donald and Daisy, and since today is your 10th wedding anniversary, what better way to remember the afternoon? This is all magical stuff, and I think its great. This is why The Happiest Place in the Mall is truly the happiest place in the mall.

And then there are those who decide that the picture is worth it, no matter what.

I walked toward the backroom, probably to get more Tinkerbell collapsible totes for the shelf, and notice two little boys sitting in front of the Beanie Plush wall. The beanies are smaller versions of the big plush, and at a much cheaper price. They came into phase when everyone was doing beanies, following the lead of the Ty Company and Beanie Babies, and for Disney, they've been around since then.

Little Boy 1 and Little Boy 2 were sitting, Indian style, facing each other, and had an entire shelf--probably 20 or more beanies--of Pooh and Tigger beanies raked into their laps. The shelf was empty. Some of the Piglet and Eeyore from the shelf above and a few of the McQueen and Bullseye from the shelf below had also made it into the pile, all which rested on and around our two little preciouses. For a second, I asked myself, "Really? Where's mom?" but honestly, I knew the answer to that question.

I stepped past the sale rack that was blocking my immediate view of the beanie shelves, and there was their mothers. Each had their own mom, smiling, holding up cameras, taking pictures and cheering them on... "okay, hold up Pooh!"... "That's so sweet!"... "Give Piglet a kiss, come on, come on, that's so cute!" Its as if the beanie-parazzi had made it to our store. I rolled my eyes, sighed and went on to fetch my Tinkerbell tote supply.

When I came back out later, the moms were gone, as were the boys. Yeah, they picked up... well, in a manner of speaking. Imagine if you raked an entire shelf of small stuffed animals into the floor, then picked them up in big handfuls and shoved them back onto the shelf, and the disorganization and messy appearance it would display. Yes, this is what they had done. Happy times.

"Plush Mountain Life Lessons"
There's a few specific reasons we do our best to keep the younglings from climbing the summit of our plush mountain. When you come into The Happiest Place in the Mall, you'll find Plush Mountain in the back. Its the seemingly random big pile of stuffed animals, and when its completely full, it looks just like that--a pile of stuffed animals. Beware, young climbers.... its actually a pyramid of hardwood shelves with "trenches" built in to hold the overflow stacks of Lucky and Lumpy and Rabbit and Wall*E and Buzz and Lady and Tramp and Mickey and Daisy and so on and so forth.


Its tempting, isn't it? But resist. You must resist.

Climbing in the mountain is dangerous, first of all. Your kid moves wrong, he tumbles out and though rolling down a pile of foam, fur and fluff might seem entertaining, those shelves have hard ledges that will be hit on every roll. Secondly, we have actually had guests who have broken things like mugs or snowglobes and the like, and instead of telling someone, or even leaving it on a shelf, they shove it under the plush to hide it.

Third, and this goes to tossing the plush as well, the screen is fragile. And a ripped projection screen is bad times indeed. Finally, its just a nightmare picking up all the plush that gets kicked and strewn everywhere due to Lil One kicking Donald and Goofy halfway across the mall. No bueno.

There are many things I've learned just in life that I hope to pass down to Lorelei Addison Dollar and Campbell Isaiah Dollar, once they enter this world, mostly just from common sense. However, there are many more things I would have never dreamed I'd need to tell my kids that I learned just from working at The Happiest Place in the Mall. Let's be real here... kids are kids. They will throw things, they will drool on things, they will touch stuff that has been clearly pointed out as "don't touch!"able, they will climb on things that are supposedly unclimbable, I get it... its the parents that I take issue with.

Why, for instance, do you stand there and smile as little Johnny takes a Dalmatian by the leg, little Sally takes Bambi by the head and then they both start beating each other with the plush? You have no intention of buying these animals, in which case they aren't yours. Please stop before Johnny, Sally or both rip and damage these animals and either you leave them in the mountain (this has happened) ripped and torn, or you buy them, complaining about the high prices of plush that you are now forced to by, as if its my fault you allowed your offspring to go MMA on our toys (this has also happened).

And why, for example, do you not wipe off little Mary's mouth, cleaning off the dark blue residue left from the cotton candy she just finished? And while your at it, please wipe off her fingers before you allow her to pick up, cuddle, hold and love on Marie the Aristocat who, by the way, is solid white except for those blue fingerprints Mary has left on her back. And because you are so generous, you allowed Marie to just be tossed back into the mountain, now white AND blue. This has happened.

And why, just wondering, do you allow little Billy to toss our plush high into the air, from one side of the mountain to the other, and when we ask little Billy to stop, you chide us for being rude and not plainly seeing that little Billy "is just trying to help pick up"? And grandma, next to you, says loudly, "I don't know why they have all these animals here if they won't let the kids thrown them around and play with them." Grandma, you old moron, they kids are welcome to play with them. They can hug them, carry them around the store, squeeze, kiss, love and hold... but don't throw them! You wouldn't like it if we came into your home and tossed your upper and lower dentures around the room. This has also happened (the plush, not the dentures). Happy times.

"Indeed"
And then you have those kids who marvel. They walk in, their faces light up, they mouths fall open and the only words they can muster are... "NEMO!!" Or maybe "MICKEY!!!" or sometimes "ARIEL!!!" or even "CINDERELLA!!" as the characters from their favorite movies and their children picture books are now alive, real, larger than life on our screen, on our walls, in our boxes and packaging, on our shelves.

For all the children that go to The Happiest Place on Earth, more do not. The Happiest Place in the Mall is, to them, The Happiest Place on Earth. Our goal is to be the best 30 minutes of a child's day, to be the one store that, when they get home, they talk about us. They talk about "The Mickey Store" or "Where Snow White lives" or "I wanna go back to Disney World", even though "Disney World" is our own store because that's the only "Disney World" they've ever--and in some cases--will ever know.

And when I can ring up a Piglet and ask the question, "Would you like to hold Piglet or do you want me to put him in a bag?" and already knowing the answer, pull the tag off of the newly purchased plush and hand it back to anxious little hands who didn't want to let go in the first place, only letting go on the faith of a promise that in only a few seconds, they'll have it back... now that... that is why I love my job. That is why I like going to work. That is why The Happiest Place in the Mall is the most fun job I've ever had...

...despite the stupid parents we get sometimes...

...truly Happy Times. Indeed.

(ps... Erin the Marine Wife listed her own posting about kids, messes and unintentional vehicular manslaughter... well, not quite that bad, but still, I thought it was worth linking... its titled "Sorry Lilly"...)

Arguing the Hotness of Ashley Tisdale (and other points of interest)

Just got finished with another movie, this time "I Love You Man", starring Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Met Mikey at Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits after church, and we headed up to the Carmike Dollar Theater for a late night viewing. This has been a common ritual, we find a movie that both want to see, perhaps one that we just don't want to pay $7 bucks for, and we catch it at the dollar theater.

We started this trend while watching "The Marine", starring 5 time WWE Champion John Cena, but this didn't work with "12 Rounds", starring 5 time WWE Champion John Cena, because it was up one week, then gone the next. We also wished we had waited until the dollar theater to see "Punisher: War Zone" from last year. Mikey, you still owe me 9 bucks for that drivel.

As for "I Love You Man", it was funny enough. Not awesome, not terrible, but good for some good laughs. Great moments, Paul Rudd's delivery is solid as always, and Jason Segel is someone I could get used to laughing at. The appearance of Jon Favreau was a welcome sight, too, as it always is. And somehow, the character playing Zoe, Paul Rudd's fiance, got hotter as the movie went on. Found out later it was Rashida Jones, the daughter of Quincy Jones. Not a clue.

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Had this exchange with The Lovely Steph Leann while watching Ashley Tisdale's new video, airing in a snippet before the commercials & previews of one of our movies this past weekend:

Me: Ashley Tisdale. Still think she's hot.
The Lovely Steph Leann: She's a baby!
Me: Seriously, she's like, 23
The Lovely Steph Leann: Still, anyone you are ten years older than is... well, a baby
Me: Uh... Dennis Quaid? He's like, 50. Bradley Whitford, too.
The Lovely Steph Leann: (pause) Well... (pause)... I like older men. So there.


See... I think she's pretty hot. Maybe its just me.

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I did minor in sign language in college, and though I've forgotten most if it, it still piques my interest. Lil Sister Ashley and I were actually trying to take a sign class at nearby Six Flags of Brookhills, but we weren't able to go alot, and it fell through for both of us.

Still, its my love of sign and Fergie, a championship combination that is solid any way you put it, that makes me think this video is just awesome:

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Toni Rocki Honda is sick. I'm not sure if there's a cure. Apparently, her electrical system is screwed up, and sometimes she starts. Sometimes she doesn't. In fact, she doesn't give any indication of when she may or may not start. Seriously.

Monday morning, that being this past Memorial Day, I went out at 5:20a to drive over to Starbucks and work my 4 hour, time & a half shift. She turned over, but didn't start. Wouldn't start. I took The Lovely Steph Leann's car. Tuesday morning, I had Toni Rocki Honda towed over to my mechanic, Christian Brothers Automotive.

Today I get a call from them, and they basically tell me that something is shorting... out... the relay... switch (I scrunch my face to try to recall what it is that is wrong, and the words that were being used...) and they... can't figure it out...

Brandon: We've been running tests, and we can't figure out whats wrong.
Me: Wow. Just eliminating one thing after another?
Brandon: Pretty much. We haven't even done anything to fix it, but it just started working in the middle of us working on it.
Me: So you'll be doing more tests, huh?
Brandon: That's all we can do.
Me: You know this sounds like I'm on the phone with a doctor discussing the prognosis of my grandmother, right?

Hopefully, they'll figure it out... for all the debt-freedness we have going on, we cannot afford to just write a check for a new car. And car payments are not an option.

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New blog plugs...

Wookiee has his own blog now. He's not as chatty as I am, but he's much more into sports, or at least more knowledgeable, and has random thoughts just like me. You can find his blog right here.

As always, I have to mention Erin the Marine Wife, who has an excellent blog started. She calls it Many Kind Regards, and its all about being a mother and a Marine Wife, and some of her best work is when she dives into the life, struggles and hilarity's (what there are, I mean) of being a military wife. Check it out right here.

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Had a house guest here at The Cabana Extended Stay Suites & Resort Spa. About a month or so ago, out of the blue, Tyler the Brother in Law calls up his sister, my wife, and says, "Hey, I got a friend working in Birmingham this summer and doesn't have a place to stay for a few weeks... can she stay with you guys?"

"Do we know her?"
"No. But she's nice and all. You'll like her."


She'll probably kill me that I used this pic, but I lifted it from her Facebook page. It was hard to find, though, because she's with someone on just about every picture.

Her name is Davis-Ann, and that's just the first name. She's been here in our guest room for a few weeks, and today she moved out into the place she'll call home for the summer, at a friend's family place. She was really just wonderful, if I may be so old to say as such, she was quiet, polite, and clean. And she loves her coffee. She's going to hold down The Cabana when we head to The Happiest Place on Earth in a few weeks. She even mentioned us in her blog today... we feel special.

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Hilarious spoof. And pretty accurate.

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Want me to completely waste time and not do anything? Put me in front of the television, then turn on Investigative Discovery when there's a rerun of Dateline NBC or 48 Hours Hard Evidence. This past Saturday, I completely killed three hours just staring at this channel, as I saw a dentist who murdered his wife for his mistress, and a judge who was killed by a hired gun and another case of a love triangle gone wrong. Heck, its on right now, at 1:04 in the morning, and though I'm not watching it, I know its about some old chick who bought it at the hands of... well, we won't know until about 20 after. And I'll be done by then, hopefully.

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Made a new header for Clouds, I hope you like it. I also added pics of those people I often talk about on Clouds, like Mindy D'A, Mikey, Wookiee, J Rob, KT and many, many more. Eventually, I'll link those pics to their respective blogsites, if they have them.

I also added The Dave100 listing on the side, to which I'll add to from time to time. And I'm going to add a section on books I've read this year, so far, and movies I've seen this year, so far.

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And for tonight, that's a wrap.

Memorial Day Movie Day

Three movies last week, two movies this past weekend, two movies today, plus another tossed in there... so here we go...

"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN"
If you didn't like the first movie, you will not like this movie at all, as its really nothing more than a two hour extension of the first film, 2006's "Night at the Museum". This flick picks up about two or three years where the first one left off, as Larry Daley (Ben Stiller) has left his night guard job at the Museum of Natural History, becoming an inventor and owner of Daley Devices, making, among other things, the glow-in-the-dark flashlight.

Upon his return to visit his night-time museum friends, he learns that through renovations of the museum, Jedediah, Octavius and Sacajawea and the gang are being shipped to underground storage of Washington's Smithsonian. There's an issue with the golden tablet that brings them to life every night, Larry rushes to Washington to save his friends and runs face to face with Al Capone, Ivan the Terrible, General Custer (an always hilarious Bill Hader) and Kahmunrah, a [fictitious] Pharaoh hell-bent on taking over the world. And, Larry run into one Amelia Earhart.

Here's the thing... this is a goofy, silly, fun little movie. Besides the suspension of disbelief needed to believe in the whole "wax figures come to life at the museum due to this golden tablet", you also have to go a step further and believe some pretty outlandish coincidences, some pretty crazy situations and some pretty odd occurrences... but you don't worry about that. With this movie, you know what you are going to get... lots of historical figures making pop culture references, lots of funny action and Ben Stiller doing what he does best.

And in this particular film, there are two scene stealers, the first being Hank Azaria, who not only plays Kahmunrah to the hilt, leaving you convinced that he had a blast playing this part, but he also does the voice of the Brooklyn-accented Thinker sculpture and of Abe Lincoln, fresh out of the Lincoln Memorial.



And of course, Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with. She does her best Amelia Earhart with zest, gusto and all the energetic adjectives you can come up. In fact... she's put forth the biggest challenge to date for the crown of The Goddess. We shall see.

"TROPIC THUNDER"
Speaking of Ben Stiller, I saw this via Netflix a month or so ago. Its raw, its bawdy, its totally wrong, but it is oh so funny. Loved every second of it.

"TERMINATOR SALVATION"
I thought the first Terminator, as far as story goes, was the best. I thought the second Terminator, as far as visual effects, was downright stunning and amazing. The third, despite that pretty rockin' crane chase scene, was quite a letdown. The fact that Christian Bale was in the fourth was really the only reason I was giving it credibility.

Bale broods much like Vin Diesel in "Fast & Furious", and in fact, were I not d$ but Scott the Blind Vampire, I'm not sure I could tell them apart. He fires lots of guns, he blows lots of crap up, and he is trying to save Kyle Reese, who, if you think back, is Michael Biehn's character in the first Terminator... in that film, Kyle goes back to 1984, gets it on with Sarah Connor, and John Connor is born... in this current film, Kyle is a teenager, and an adult John has to save his teenage dad, so his teenage dad can grow up, become an adult, go back in time, get it on with Sarah and... well, the circle of time flimflammery continues.

If you like lots of explosions and robot violence, then this film is for you. There are very few curse words, there are very little scenes of people getting killed, its mostly just robots and humans duking it out. All in all, I enjoyed the film, I enjoyed the underrated Bryce Dallas Howard, and I enjoyed the random Terminator scene--you'll know what I'm talking about--towards the end when John is in Skynet.

"APPALOOSA"
This is an old school western that came out last year, directed by Ed Harris, who also stars along with Viggo Mortensen. They play Virgil and Everett, hired by the town to defend them against the villainous Randall Bragg, played in a DieHard With a Vengeance Sneer by Jeremy Irons.

The movie isn't bad, but it really doesn't work for me due to one thing... Renee Zellweger. She just doesn't fit in the movie, her lines are terrible, her acting is terrible, and really the only person who you really like in the entire film is Viggo, who is just always cool.

"THE WRESTLER"
As it happens, I'm watching WWE Raw, as we speak. This is the much heralded performance from Mickey Rourke last year that earned him a Golden Globe award and his first Oscar nomination. And let me tell ya, as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, Mickey Rourke is brilliant.

The Ram was a huge megastar in the 80s, but now he's doing nothing but low-attendance high school gym wrestling shows and crappy barn shows. His only daughter won't speak to him, and his only friend is an aging stripper, played to beautiful perfection by Marisa Tomei. Marisa, by the way, is like a fine wine... just getting better with age. You see lots of the wrestling, some of the behind-the-scenes scripting for matches, but mostly, you see a man who wants to be something he's just not anymore, just trying to do the one thing that he was at one time incredible at, but now is only pretty good at--though he still thinks he can be brilliant.

This movie is raw, there is a ton of language, and Marisa Tomei's boobies make a few appearances, along with a really random and possibly unnecessary getting-it-on shot between The Ram and some random bar chick. You decide.

"TAKEN"
Awesome. Just awesome. Absolutely awesome.

Kim is taking a trip to Europe with her friend Amanda, with the support of mother Lenore (when did Famke Janssen get so old??) and against the wishes of father Bryan. And when bad things happen to Kim, father Bryan springs into action.


Hey, hairy foreign dude... you're going to want to tell Mr. Neeson what he wants to know...

The beauty of Liam Neeson's character is that you are never really told what it is that he did for a living, you just know that he possesses one heck of a skill set. Perhaps by that omission, it allows Bryan Mills to do whatever the heck he wants under the canopy of "former job". Either way, he's bad-a and its freakin' cool watching him do what he does. Everyone I know that has come out of this movie has told me they liked it, and I admit the same. One of my favorite of the year so far.

"GRAN TORINO"
This is a movie that really, only Clint Eastwood could star in. Clint plays Walt, a gruff, tough widower who has been living in his house forever, and isn't too happy to see the Hmong Asian family move in next door. He warms up slowly, mostly due to the persistence of Sue, the teenage girl, and her brother Thao.

The family sees trouble when a local Hmong gang pressures Thao to join them, going to the point of assault and threats. Walt gets involved, against his better judgement, and a whole lot of bad things happen before the final scene of the movie, including one that made me sigh, and thank heavens that The Lovely Steph Leann didn't see what I just saw.

Excellent film, but full of language and violence.

"ADVENTURELAND"
Greg Mottola, same guy who did Superbad, did this flick, and it looked hilarious. Its got Bill Hader, its got Kristin Wiig, it takes place in a 1980s amusement park... what can go wrong? Plenty.

Though it has its funny moments, this movie isn't nearly as funny as I thought it would be... should be, even. Its really nothing more than a love story between James (Jesse Eisenberg) and Em (Kristin Stewart... yes, Bella from that movie "Watching Paint Dry"), and he looks dorky all the way through, and she whines a whole lot, and a great character turn from Ryan Reynolds is all but wasted and... well, I just was really disappointed.

Having said that, however, I'm looking forward to watching it one more time because I think now that those expectations have been lowered, I think I will appreciate the more personal aspect of this story...

In the next few weeks... Disney Pixar's "Up"... Nia Vardalos in "My Life in Ruins".... Denzel & Travolta in "The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3"... and Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock end up together at the end of "The Proposal"...

Idol's Final Results

Well, its 1034pm, I just came in the door after doling out magic for the better part of 8 hours and, thusfar, have made it successfully upstairs to talk to The Lovely Steph Leann before she goes to sleep, back downstairs to check my email and over to Clouds in My Coffee without finding out who won. MZ texted me and told me that the show was really good, and my reply was, "Don't tell me nothing! I can't watch it until at least 10 or 11!" Luckily she complied...

So... let's start, in real time...

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL'S SEASON FINALE!!!

10:36p... Seacrest stands between The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, both dressed in solid white. Sure to be lots of former Idols in the audience, lots of celebs in the audience, there's a Courtney Cox sighting...

10:38p... The judges are introduced, with Randy Jackson, Randy the Dawg, busting up with this big red bow tie. I want to wear a bow tie one day. Its like some accessories... it works for some people, for others, its a disaster... just like The Lovely Steph Leann can wear a hat in church. She knows how to wear it, she looks good, I've heard other people say, "No one can wear a hat like Stephanie Dollar". I wonder if I can do a bow tie.

10:40p... Next is Kara DioGuardi, Kara the New Hotness. There's been some speculation as to whether she's necessary, or needed, or anyone likes her. I thought she was great. And yes, I think she's quite attractive.

10:41p... Up next is Paula Abdul, aka, Paula the Flake. Paula the Blubberer. Paula the Blitherer. Paula the Droolin' Hoobernoogin. That would be our lovely Paula. I've been over how she was awesome back in the day, so I won't go into that, but I will say... she makes me laugh so much. Not just laugh, but look on in confusion and amazement.

10:45p... Simon Cowell, Simon the Cowell, appearing once again in a black jacket and a white shirt. My friend Kevin Spivey reminds me of Simon the Cowell.

10:46p... Those white outfits the Idols are wearing would be absolute nightmares when eating a Dairy Queen chili dog. They cut to Mikalah Gordon, in Conway, AR, hometown of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. Mikalah was one of the most annoying Idols ever. Over in San Diego, we see Carly Smithson, who I really like. She's like a better MJC.

There apparently are some mic problems, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can barely be heard. See, I have a problem with this. This show, American Idol, is the number one show in the country for five months out of the year. Its generated what, enough to almost support President B. Hussein Obama's budget? (or Bush's war, depending on how you want to spin it... well, maybe not either). This is the show that now artists come to to try and promote their new stuff... my point is, when its time for the finale, the producers should have an all-star line up for everything. The best gaffer, the best best boy, the best associate director, the best anything and everything for this show. And, the best tech guys you can possibly put your hands on... all that is to say, there is NO EXCUSE for mics going out. None. None. None. No excuse for any kind of technical glitches short of . But I digress.

10:48p... Doing a P!nk song, "So What", here comes all 13 American Idol contestants from this year. At least I'll get to see Alexis Grace again and... wait, what am I doing? I've been watching the group song! Aaaah!!! Fast forward!!!

10:54p... David Cook doing his latest single, "Permanent". He lost his brother a few weeks ago, and is putting this performance on iTunes, and all the sales will go to a cancer research charity. Classy, classy guy, seriously. Also, a hot Carrie Underwood sighting. And Justin Giarini?

10:55p... The Annual Golden Idols, silly little awards to take hilarous potshots at this seasons who didn't quite make the show. Yes, yes, God loves them all. Yes, yes, we are directed to love them to. Yes, we should appreciate their talents. And yes, this video is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. They even show the guy who makes Barry White sound like a soprano...

10:58p... And Nick Mitchell, aka, Norman Gentle. Part of me wishes he'd made the Top 13. The people over at Vote for the Worst would have collectively passed out at the same time, wondering if there were any better gifts. Norman Gentle wins the Golden Idol for "Best/Worst Male". And he comes up to give a speech... and then he strips. Seriously, I have yet to laugh a single time at this guy.

11p... No kidding, though, man's got some pipes. Seriously. Here's the first duet of the night... Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah with "Cue the Rain". Do any of you remember when Queen Latifah had a talk show? I used to love that show! It would come on Fox every day, and for those Coffee Drinkers not around here, you can hear our local Fox affliate on the radio on 87.7... so, everyday I'd go out and grab lunch, and at 2p, I'd turn it on 87.7 to hear The Queen Latifah Show. Loved me some Queenie L. I also dug The Ricki Lake Show, which was cancelled, giving the time slot to The Queen Latifah Show, which was cancelled, giving was to Maury Povich which, if you've never seen it, makes you feel great about your life...

...mostly because you realize how many people are out there that are more pathetic than you. Did someone say Jerry Springer? At least Jerry knows his guests are completel morons and the show is absolutely ridiculous. Maury Povich wants you to respect him as a serious journalist. Which is why Jazmine is there, waiting on the results of the lie detector test to tell her weather Jamal is actually the father of her cousin Muffy's baby (Jamal says it isn't him, he "ain't neva' been with that ho!") Is he? We'll find out next!

11:08p... Anoop Dogg is onstage now. I guess its another duet, joined by Alexis Grace (just in time, as I was reaching for the remote). And here comes Jason Mraz... I'll be honest... when he first came out with "The Remedy (I won't worry)" I thought he was a flash in the pan. I liked the song, but he kind of annoyed me... but... nowadays, I really like Mraz. "You and I Both" is one of my favorite tunes, pulling in over 20 plays on the iPod. And yes, I'll be interested in hearing Alexis Grace's first single.

11:10p... Here is a video of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's journey through Idol. And though you could have forseen The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and possibly The Widower Danny Gokey making the final two by the beginning of the Top 12 shows, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen kinda snuck up on some people. He was that guy that people usually complimented by saying, "You know who I have really started liking? Kris Allen..."

11:13p... That being said, I'm fast forwarding through his duet with keith urban.

11:14p... The girls are up now, singing "Glamorous", which I can only guess will have Fergie coming out soon enough. MJC sounds terrible. There's one chick that I can't even remember her name...

Between "F to the E, the R, G, the I, the E" and "G.. L... A... M... O... R... O U S", Fergie should have titled her CD "Spelling Bee".

She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry". In the same vein of shame that makes me watch movies on The Lifetime Movie Network starring Judith Light and William Devane, I listen to Fergie. I think "Fergalicious" is both the most ridiculous and moronic, yet brilliant and awesome song. I'm now going to turn on the gas logs and stick my head in the fire.


This was one of the tamest Fergie photos I found online. She likes to dress skimpy. Just an FYI in case any of you guys decide to Google "Fergie"

11:16pm... So, all of a sudden, the Black Eyed Peas come out, Will.I.Am starts singing, Fergie jumps in, then everything goes silent, they show an Idol logo, then they cut back to the performance.

11:16p... Fergie. Freakin' hot. She wasn't before, but the break between "The Dutchess" and the new Peas album, plus marriage (to Josh Duhamel from Transformers) has done wonders. She looks amazing.

11.17p... Will.I.Am is pretty good in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", by the way.

11:17p... "Boom Boom Pow" is a pretty cool name for a song, too.

11:17p... Should I start calling myself Da.V.Id?

(by the way, I was looking for the "Fergalicious" video online to post, and I found the greatest Fergalicious tribute EVER. I'll be posting that in a few days...)


Its a little low on video quality... no, I mean the presentation, not the actual video, though some might argue that point... anyway, I think someone put a camera up to their tv. Anyway, I've got the video on my iPod, and yes, I've watched/listened it more than 40 times. I hate myself.

11:19p... More Golden Idols, this time for Best Attitude... and of course, there's Bikini Girl, who, unlike Fergie, hasn't gotten better as time goes by. Then there's Alexis Cohen, the screaming, raging chick who scares everyone. Of course, Bikini Girl comes out, looking as homely as she did before, in her small bikini. Why couldn't Fergie wear that? Seacrest tosses out a great one... "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know..." as she throws back her hair off of her... well, her boobalies. She is now trying to butcher... well, not trying, she IS butchering "Vision of Love"... and who comes out, but Kara the New Hotness, as they sing the song together. Kara the New Hotness isn't perfect, but sounds pretty doggone good. Then she rips her dress open, revealing her own bikini. Don't get me wrong, she looks fine as all get out, but what is this, Cinemax Idol?

What happened to "fine"? Does anyone else remember when "hot" was "fine"? If a girl was pretty, we'd say "She is FINE!" and the chicks would discuss guys being "FINE"! Its only the last several years has "hot" surpassed "Fine" as the go-to adjective to describe the shallow, surface only appearance of the opposite sex. I miss "Fine". The Chiffons would have never had a lasting hit with "He's So Hot"... its "He's So Fine".

The Goddess? Fine. Ashley Tisdale? Fine. Amy Adams? Fine. See how it works? Maybe we should bring it back. Oh, and what about Pickles????


You all knew I couldn't end this season without my beloved Pickles!

11:25p... My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is sitting with Cyndi Lauper, singing on of my favorite 100 songs of all time, "Time After Time". My favorite version of this, though, is by Nichole Nordeman, from her "Live at the Door" live CD, which is just remarkable. Back to the show, for being 86 years old, Cyndi Lauper looks fantastic.

11:30p... Seacrest talks to the Allen family and the Lambert family. Then we cut to The Widower Danny Gokey, singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie... oh, please please please let Lionel come out.. please please please Father in Heaven God please I pray let Lionel come out... why? Cause Lionel Richie is AWESOME and you know this.

Not only that, but this video's unintentional comedy rating is somewhere in the 100s.

And here comes Lionel Richie! Yeah! I am so seriously thinking of growing me a Lionel 'stache. Still reminds me of Chris Tucker in "Rush Hour"... "Lionel Richie ain't been black since the Commodores!" Dude, his Commodore mustache has to be one for the ages... no kidding.

He and Dead Wife sing a newer song, "Just Chill", and then kick it old school by tossing out some "All Night Long", which in retrospect, is just a fun song. We're going to party... caramba... fiesta... forever... all night long (all night, all night)... all night long (all night, all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night).

When I worked at Cox Radio, I spent time on the Rob & Shannon Morning Show, and as a result, I got meet some fun celebrities, however B-List they might be. I met Fred Travelina, and Rodger from Survivor Outback and Harry Anderson, and honestly, I don't get starstruck. Just never do. However, when I met Kevin Pollak, I was star struck. I was like, "Wow, its Kevin Pollack, holy crap!" and my friends later said, "You get star struck over the oddest celebrities..."

I think if I ever met Lionel Richie, I would be star struck, in a way that I wouldn't be if I met Jon Bon Jovi or Bono or any of the Hootie guys.

11:40p... We now see The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's journey through Idol. Let's be honest here... the guy has a great voice. I mean, really, you can't deny how good he can sing. For someone who doesn't have a trained voice, I can tell he can sing, but for those who have trained voices, they think he can sing even more so.

Its not the outfits... heck, I (I just had to pause the DVR, because The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just appeared on stage, wearing the weirdest outfit ever, which I didn't understand until I heard him sing the words... "Beth I hear you calling..." which made me nod my head and say, "Yeah. Gene Simmons. That explains it.") loved 70s flambouyant crazy Elton John--his best music was from that day and age. Its not the Ambiguously Gay Gayness, cause no, I'm not a homophobe. We don't even know if he's gay. He's never told us he was. I mean look at Clay Ai... I mean... look at Lance Ba... um... I mean, look at... oh, forget it.

Its the screech. I hate it. I can't stand it. Perhaps in the same way that some Michael Jackson haters didn't like the "woo!' and the "shi-moh!" in his music, thereby causing them to not like Michael Jackson. For me and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, its the screech. Drives me nuts. Do I want to see him win or lose? I don't care. Seriously. I'd rather have The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen win, but I'm okay with The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert winning. Does bother me that his boots are consistantly covered in saliva from the judges licking his boots every single episode.

11:46p... YES! YES!! YESS!!!! I channel Beavis & Butthead as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert finishes "Beth" and introduces KISS!!! The entire band, full makeup and everything...

You know, if I were The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, I'd be hacked off. He got Keith Urban... and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS???? How is that remotely fair? Typical of this show. And there's a screech, sandwiched between Gene Simmons and Ace. And in case you had forgotten the screech sound, he gives you another. And one more. And another. Like, four in a row? I'm not sure my brain can handle his brilliance.

11:51p... Santana stands on stage, doing his guitar mastery. Matty G, who also is very, very lucky, sings the opening verse to the classic "Black Magic Woman" before Santana busts into "Smooth", which is a great song. I think I lost my taste for "Smooth" because during that year, it was played about 9,388 per day and I heard it almost that many times... I think radio stations were just playing only that song... "This is 99.3, Smooth FM, playing 'Smooth' over and over non stop. All 'Smooth', all the time. 99.3 Smooth FM".

11:53p... Was that Rachel McAdams in the audience? Fine.

11:54p... Ford Music video! Where's the remote! Featuring David Cook! Awarding them their own 2010 Ford Fusion! Wouldn't The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert rather drive a Scion?

11:55p... Megan G, Mike the Oil Welder (I can't remember which he does, oil or weld, so we'll go with both) and... Steve Martin. That's right, Steve Martin. MJC, who still cannot sing, has this look on her face that is cracking me up... while Mike the Oil Welder is seemingly really enjoying himself, knowing this is as good as its going to get for him, music wise, MJC has this "Okay, so The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets Keith Urban... freakin' Lil Rounds, who didn't even make it to the Final Five gets Queen Latifah... and I... I get Steve Martin playing a banjo? This is what I get???"

11:58p... And now, the new trailer for "G-Force", another film in the long line of crappy talking animal films from Disney... when I saw on IMDB that "G-Force" was in the pipeline, I was really excited, because I thought it was a long overdue movie version of the classic 70s cartoon, "Gatchaman", also known as "Battle of the Planets"... "G-Force". I was mucho disappointedo when I found out it was about a covert group of secret government agent spies who happened to be guinea pigs. Sigh.

12:01a... More music! I keep waiting for Scott the Blind Vampire to do some stuff with someone.... Ronnie Milsap? Stevie Wonder? All the Idol guys are doing "If You Think I'm Sexy", which is a song that The Eyebrowed One should never be allowed to sing... cause he ain't.

12:03a... Here comes Rod Stewart. Those familiar chords that we all know and love lead to... "Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you..." When I'm at Starbucks and make a drink, and the name on the cup is "Maggie", I usually say "Wake up Maggie I think I've got a drink for you..." out loud. And I laugh at my brilliant wit and fantastic humor.

12:05a... Rod is old. And this is painful. I'm not sure his hair has changed since 1976. Fast forward.

12:06a... The Outstanding Female Golden Idol nominees... and we have a sighting of Tatiana the Annoying. Can you imagine a Final Two with Tatiana the Annoying and Norman Gentle? Fox would go bankrupt and Rupert Murdoch would kill himself. You know who gets this award... Tatiana the Annoying.

So... I'm not sure if its staged or not... but Tatiana the Annoying comes to the stage, Seacrest tells her they have to go to break, she runs onstage and grabs the mic and starts to sing, Seacrest and several security guards are chasing her around the stage, she is still singing...

Cut to Ruben Studdard in the audience, with a total "What the..." look on his face. I agree, Big Daddy, I agree.

12:10a... The new Transformers movie trailer makes me giddy. Absolutely nerdy giddy. That big robot looking like a bad-A unicycle? Awesome.

12:10a... Did anyone else notice that they haven't gone back to Mikalah Gordon or Carly Smithson for anything?

12:11a... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen stand side by side, singing "We Are the Champions". And out comes Queen, sans Freddy. I totally think the The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should do an album of Queen songs, because I can totally see him becoming a Freddy Mercury of the 2000s. Let's pray without the AIDS part.

12:14a... Drives me nuts when I hear radio stations play "We Will Rock You" and don't play this song immediately after it. They are two different songs, but MUST be played back to back. While "We Are the Champions" can stand on its own, though I don't think it should unless its the ending credits of "Revenge of the Nerds", "We Will Rock You" needs this song to follow it. This is the only acceptable way to hear "We Will Rock You". It's like playing "American Pie" or "Lyin' Eyes" and cutting off the last verse just to save time. Unacceptable. Let's move on.


NOT EMMY TURNBOW SAFE... three curse words line the dialogue. But this is one of the few acceptable usages of "We Are the Champions" without "We Will Rock You". And a classic ending from a cheesy, awesome 80s movie.

12:15a... I'm also excited for "Funny People", with Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler. And Leslie Mann. Leslie Mann? Fine.

12:18a... Alright, let's finally get to the end of this season and this episode, also entitled "Foregone Conclusion". Simon the Cowell gives them both a little encouragement, and Mr. Bean Counter comes out and hands Seacrest the results in a sealed envelope.

12:19a... Dim the lights.

12:19... And your winner is...

12:20... What?

12:20... What? What did... what?

12:21... (rewinding DVR, looking around for The Lovely Steph Leann's possible sabotage of the video to make the ending she wanted to happen actually happen...)

12:21... Kris Allen. Huh.

12:21... Didn't see that coming.

Postscript... Had more than one or two people comment to me today about how terrible that song "No Boundries" was. And right now, I have to believe that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is soooooo freakin' happy he doesn't have to sing that song again.

Where will The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen rank amongst Idol winners? No way he reaches Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson. I think David Cook still surpasses him, but I think he'll have a better career than Jordin Sparks and certainly Taylor Hicks... Fantasia has done more outside of music, but strictly with music, he'll take her out too.

AND FINALLY... I hope that you've enjoyed my take on Idol, and I hope that you will continue to stop by Clouds in My Coffee even thought Idol is over this year. And if you like it, if you get a laugh out of what you read, or you enjoy my take on life and pop culture, or disagree too, then tell a friend.

Kris Allen, huh? Hm. The Lovely Steph Leann? Fine.