Alice in Wonderland

Let's face it... Tim Burton may or may not be a weird guy, but his work is definately out there... let's discuss his biggest hits, and my favorites of his work...

"Pee Wee's Big Adventure" (1985)... Most people now recognize Paul Reubens as Pee Wee Herman and automatically associate him with that, ahem, adult men's theater incident, but back in the 80's, he was a rockstar.  This movie was quirky, it was an oddity, and it was absolutely hilarious.

"Beetlejuice" (1988)... Michael Keaton went from Mr. Mom to an absolute genius in this flick, again, a really odd, but absolutely fantastic dark comedy.

"Batman" (1989)... Before "The Dark Knight", before the franchise became a joke in "Batman & Robin", there was Tim Burton's first movie, with Michael Keaton, fresh off of "Beetlejuice", being the most unlikely Bruce Wayne--and perhaps the best until Christian Bale.  But, let's be honest, Jack as The Joker is what everyone remembers.

"Edward Scissorhands" (1990)... Tim Burton's first real collaboration with Johnny Depp was very unusual.  It was a love story... with knives for fingers. 

"Mars Attacks!" (1996)... After "Independence Day" a few years prior, this film was timed perfectly.  A campy send-up of alien invasion flicks featuring Jack Nicholson as the President, uttering the classic line "I want the people to know that they still have 2 out of 3 branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad."  Oh, and if you don't know who Slim Whitman is, you will after seeing this film.

Tim Burton is also known for his more recent collaborations with Johnny Depp, which includes, "Sleepy Hollow"... "Charlie & the Chocolate Factory"... "Corpse Bride"... "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street" and now...

"Alice in Wonderland"



To say that the Tim Burton vision of  "Alice in Wonderland" is strange is not a stretch.  Its a strange, strange movie.  Its a strange, colorful, imaginative journey that doesn't so much re-tell the story of Alice in Wonderland as much as it expands and continues the story. 

It begins with a now 19 year-old Alice who only remembers her journey through the land she knows as Wonderland as a dream that she keeps having night after night.  Alice is bossed around by her mom and her potential dorkface suitor, much like Rose DeWitt Bukater was before running around the ship with Jack Dawson, and ends up running away from it all... right into a rabbit hole.

You are immediately re-introduced to the characters, or a close image of what you think those characters are.  I would imagine that most people's concept of Alice and characters like Tweedledee and Tweedledum, the March Hare, the White Rabbit and of course, the Mad Hatter are from the Disney animated film, not necessarily from Lewis Carroll's two books, that being "Alice in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass"... that's my perspective because I have seen the 1951 Disney film and have never read the books at all.

Tim Burton's characters in this story somehow have backstories, and some of them even have real names other than "Caterpiller" and "Mad Hatter" and "Red Queen".  Alice finds them, and they tell her that because of a... well, a prophecy of sorts... she has to face a creature called The Jabberwocky (also known as a poem written by Lewis Carroll about a creature of the same name), slay said creature and order will be restored to the land--ie, everyone will stop following the Red Queen, played in essence by Helena Bonham Carter, aka Tim's boo, and start following her sister, The White Queen, played dreamily by Anne Hathaway.

The story itself is fine, the plot is somewhat silly, even for a movie that is sort of supposed to be silly, and Danny Elfman's score really kind of underwhelms you.  That being said, I had a good time with it.  Much of Underland (which is the real name for Wonderland) is done in CGI, and I enjoyed many of the characters in a way that I had not really gotten to know them in the original animated film.  Remember, in that version, Alice goes from scene to scene to scene, with some characters to not be seen again, while here, most of the characters remain throughout the entire movie.  Burton himself said he never felt a emotional connection to other film adaptations and always thought it was a some girl wondering around from one crazy character to another. So with this, he attempted to create a framework, an emotional grounding, which he felt he never really had seen in any version before. He said that was the challenge for him - to make Alice feel like a story as opposed to a series of events.

Anyway, to finish up the plot, there's the big creature named Jabberwocky, and the Red Queen screamed "off with your head!" alot, and for some reason there is a battle at the end that doesn't last long and... well, you'll just have to see it to make any sense out of the silliness. 

Maybe the weakest link in the entire movie is Alice herself, played by relative newcomer Mia Wasikowska.  She does Alice very subdued, almost too quiet, possibly in an effort to play up the fact that Alice spends much of the movie assuming she's dreaming everything.  I almost wanted her to be more... well, vocal.  A little louder, a little more surprised by the things she found, a little less whiny when presented with things she had to face. 

Crispin Glover, the dad from "Back to the Future" and known in Hollywood as a very weird guy, played Stayne, the Knave of Hearts and 2nd in command to the Red Queen and he was brilliant. 

Of course, the star of the film?  Johnny Depp.  Much ado had been made about his Mad Hatter costume and performance, and really, love him or hate him, Depp delivers, no matter who he is playing.  And here is no different.  Hair like Bozo the Clown, gapped teeth, wide-eyed and strange accent that wavers between British, Scottish and Nonsensish, Depp immerses himself into The Mad Hatter in a way that you'd never imagine from the original Disney film. 

I liked the film overall, and in many ways, I think I liked it better than the 1951 animated version.  That one was okay, it was a bit trippy for my tastes, and to me, Tweedledee and Tweedledum whole scene in that one was... well, ridiculous.  In this Tim Burton version, I loved T'dee and T'dum, I loved their accents, I loved the way they were presented onscreen, I loved the interaction between them, it was great. 

Perhaps its not really fair to compare the animated version with this one, as it is so completely different, but I guess there were just more things about this one I liked.  I always like Anne Hathaway in anything that doesn't include "Royal Engagament" or "Brokeback Mountain", and the voice cast was stellar.  Listen up for Alan Rickman's voice here too.

Oh, and I loved the cards.  Again, the movie was a bit too much CGI'y for me, but the Card Guards were great.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I ended up watching it in 3D, not because we thought it would be worth it in 3D--it wasn't, I would suggest all of you go see it in 2D and save about $4 per ticket... but because the 3D version not only had the new Toy Story 3 trailer, but also the new trailer for "Tron Legacy".  And if you think I wasn't as giddy as Brad Latta at a Dubya War Crimes hearing, you'd be wrong.  

By the way--and I speak to all those 30 and up... was there a cooler movie when you were a little kid than "Tron"?  And to think, here's a sequel coming, one that has real potential.  Did you know that Walt Disney World is going to put a light cycle overlay on its monorails this fall, in promotion of the movie? 

I think I need to go find the original "Tron" and watch it again.  Just not tonight.  I'm tired.  That's why this review rambled everywhere...

For all you kids who think the interweb has been around forever, here's the trailer from the original movie in 1982... cheesy as it might look, remember back then, this was revolutionary.

"I Don't Know What America Wants to Hear"

We went to The Most Magical Place on Earth last weekend.  I'll do my best to discuss that later, but while we were gone, I had the DVR set to record the following:  Survivor.  The Amazing Race.  The Academy Awards (though I had forgotten to actually set it for the Oscars and had only gotten the pre-show).  WWE: Raw.  And the boys & girls performance shows of American Idol.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I got back late, late Wednesday night, a little after midnight, so after unpacking, we went on to bed.  We both had to be at work the next morning, with me beginning what I called a "Work Gauntlet"... that being The Happiest Place in the Mall on Thursday, Starbucks on Thursday night, back at Starbucks at 6am on Friday morning, a quick lunch then off to The Happiest Place in the Mall on Friday night, then back again at The Happiest Place in the Mall on Saturday.  Its hard to complain about anything when you get back from vacation, I recognize there are people with real problems in the world, but seriously, I was just flat out tired. 

We were able to meet up with St'ray and C'ray for dinner last night (Saturday), and I was able to watch Survivor finally.  This morning was church, and The Lovely Steph Leann and I took in "Alice in Wonderland" (review later) and then was able to relax this evening.  I haven't had a chance to zip through the rest of the shows, though I may or may not get to WWE: Raw.  I just deleted the Oscars pre-show, since I missed the actual show itself.  I'm two episodes behind on The Amazing Race, but will get there eventually.

That leaves American Idol. 

I had every intention on watching all episodes, even if and when I found out who was kicked off.  I went to EW.com on Friday, figuring I was tuning into the demise of Paige Miles, perhaps Lacey Brown, maybe even Katie Stevens, probably Todrick Hall and if we're lucky, Aaron Kelly.   Todrick was right on... but...

Katelyn Epperly?  Lilly Scott?  The Mulleted One, Alex "I'm Not Adam" Lambert?   For shame, America, absolute for shame.  At least He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected gave out false hope and promises to get votes... Aaron Kelly gave nothing.

This might be the worst season of American Idol ever.  EVER.  EEEEHHH--VVEERRR.

I turn it over to the great writing of Michael Slezak, on Entertainment Weekly's interweb site... this is his recap, which is enough for me.  I'm going to now delete all American Idol episodes so I don't have to watch Lilly Scott or Katelyn Epperly disappear...

Slezak writes:

Outrage. It's as integral to the process of enjoying American Idol as seeing Simon Cowell's insuppressible smile during a genuinely good audition, or rewinding your DVR after a performance by some heretofore anonymous kid who just gave you goosebumps all the way to your spleen.


Indeed, Idol's eight-season history is littered with unspeakable horrors that drove us to scream at our televisions and insist to anyone who'd listen: ''I'm done with this show! Never watching again!'' My stomach clenches even now thinking about Jasmine Trias over Jennifer Hudson, Haley Scarnato over Sabrina Sloan (maybe that's just me?), Sanjaya Malakar and Scott Savol over, well, pretty much anyone ever. But like I said, outrage is part of the process, imperative to create the ebbs and flows and emotional crescendos of American Idol the TV Show, even if it's our least favorite byproduct of the relentless search for the next Kris Allen or Adam Lambert or Allison Iraheta.

So you'd think by season 9 — during the inconsequential semifinals, no less — it would be easy to brush off the bad judgment of speed-texting tweens, to process the way-too-early exits of Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly, and Alex Lambert (plus the sort-of-maybe-too-early ouster of Todrick Hall), and move on. Once upon a time, we survived Daughtry's fourth-place finish, so why do the ritual killings of the dreams of four indisputably flawed semifinalists feel like they're part of something bigger, a shifting of the tectonic plates at the core of the Idol universe?

Maybe it's this: In the course of 21 episodes, we've endured the sadistic pillorying of Angela Martin, we've swallowed our disgust at the sight of Kara's rogue left shoulder rubbing hungrily up and down Simon's torso, we've witnessed precious few performances that would hold up to the Kelly Clarksons and Melinda Doolittles of Idol seasons past — let alone the Mandisas and Michael Johnses. And in the background all this time, we've heard the steady, approaching war drums of The X-Factor.

Which is why, for the past few weeks, we've looked to a ragtag group of 24 singers to reassure us that Idol's still got a little life in it yet. We wanted them to assure us that it's not yet time to leap off this carnival ride, shrug our shoulders, and shout ''Thanks for the memories!'' as we run full-tilt toward that monster rollercoaster the British guy with the deep V and the sunburned chest is erecting on the other side of the fairground. (Sorry, that was a lot of sentence.)

And that's precisely why each abysmal voting result tonight stung so badly.

Katie Stevens getting more votes than Lilly Scott didn't just mean that we'd lost the chrome-haired chick who experienced pitch problems Tuesday night on Patsy Cline's ''I Fall to Pieces.'' No, it meant we'd had the gift of surprise ripped out of our hands, and replaced by a three-pack of department store socks wrapped in ruffled, off-the-shoulder, hot-pink wrapping paper.

Aaron Kelly outlasting Alex Lambert was demoralizing not just because the latter teenager was so shattered during his exit performance that he resembled an expendable crew member about to get devoured by a space creature in a bad sci-fi movie. It was demoralizing because we'd lost the most distinctive male voice in the competition — one that with a little nurturing had the potential to be something special — and now all we're left with is a kid who'll offer semi-competent covers of Rascal Flatts and Lonestar and Garth Brooks till he eventually goes home in ninth place.


And Katelyn Epperly going home before Paige Miles? Do I need to dig between the couch cushions for an outlandish metaphor to prove the point of how freakin' wrong that is? No, I do not. Not if you heard Paige earlier this week channeling a car-battery jump-start to the tune of Charlie Chaplin's ''Smile.''

Heck, on some level, I'm even gonna miss the histrionic gymnast-dancer who sullied the world's favorite Kelly Clarkson tune in the most peculiar way. I mean, it's not like Todrick Hall had (brace for Randy-ism in 5, 4, 3 ,2...) a million-billion in one chance of taking home the season 9 crown, but wouldn't it have been more fun to spend a couple extra weeks with the guy who takes his coloring book and turns it into a papier-mäché sculpture than someone like Tim Urban, who's going to bore you to tears filling in the outlines of better artists with his pale, insipid colors?

Of course, the notion that bad things were about to happen was telegraphed right from the show's opening seconds. Please tell me I'm not the only Idoloonie out there who found himself deeply perturbed by the dated, red font the producers used to blast words like ''tonight,'' and ''Top 12 revealed'' and ''coveted spot'' across our screens. And then, of course, there was the fact that a crying Katie Stevens was the last image flashed on the screen before the cameras cut to Ryan telling us ''we could be in for a surprise or two.''

Katelyn was the first to walk the plank last night. And somehow, when it came down to the shaggy haired blonde standing next to the ''Smile'' killer, Simon declared that ''the one with the most potential is Paige,'' thereby continuing the fascinating mythology that Ms. Miles is some kind of powerhouse vocalist who saves her 'A' game for those special times when her mic pack is switched off and there isn't a camera within 100 yards of her. Memo to Paige: Survivor is the reality show where you win $1 million by hiding your gifts and ''flying under the radar'' in the early parts of the game.

It must be said, though, that Katelyn's sing-out to Carole King's ''I Feel the Earth Move'' was a vast improvement over her stilted Tuesday night rendition. Katelyn took a lot more chances vocally — twisting the melody till it resembled an origami swan that took flight.

The night's second elimination could've been a lot more suspenseful had Ryan put Aaron and Todrick in the ''one stays, one goes'' positions — and if Todrick hadn't chosen to wear hideous fingerless gloves for the second consecutive night. Did the dude learn nothing from Michelle Delamor and Jermaine Sellers last week?


Elimination No. 3 contained material that was unsuitable for young viewers, viewers with actual human-like emotions, viewers who enjoy good singing, and pretty much every other subset of our species with the possible exception of Heidi Montag and her new psychic manager. (God, please don't smite my brain area for housing such hideous information.)

And that's why I don't want to talk about seeing He Who Might Have Had an Actual Chance to Crack the Top Three If He'd Cut His Mullet and Learned to Confidently Phrase a Song standing next to He Who Has Been Defined by His Cover of an Awesome Paula Abdul Track. I had already suspected Andrew was gonna be safe, since Ryan had previously chatted him up about what he had to say to his fallen comrades. (''I love them and I'm glad I met them''? Kinda sounds like a tepid yearbook autograph, no?) But, oh, really...no...no...no. I am not ready to be done with Alex and his bad Russian figure-skater hair. The two of 'em (Alex and his hair, along with Katelyn and Lilly) have an open invitation to appear on Idolatry whenever they are next in New York City*. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE, OKAY? Because I can't bear to see Alex crying. And I can't bear to see Siobhan crying about Alex crying. Let's thank our lucky stars that Fox chose not to air slo-mo replays of whatever occurred during what Ryan called an intensely emotional ad break.

(*Offer does not include major holidays, airport layovers lasting less than one hour, nights when I have an Idol TV Watch recap due, or any time period where Matt Giraud is stopping by to perform Allison Iraheta's ''Scars.'' Standard text-messaging rates apply. Diet Dr. Pepper is on me. And I'm gonna expect you cats to sing. Jermaine Purifory, Tasha Layton, Jesse Langseth, Leneshe Young, Tami Gosnell, and Mishavonna Henson, this invitation also applies to you.)

And now I am going to slide myself back into a deep funk by returning the topic to Lilly's ouster. Kara's assessment that the juxtaposition of Lilly vs. Katie was ''very interesting'' was perhaps only slightly less phony than when she told Ryan earlier in the week that she had nothing to do with the offensive proximity of hers and Simon's chairs. I mean, come ON! Kara writes and produces hit records for a living; she has to know that Katie Stevens is the next Jasmine Murray, destined to be that name you'll Google search in two years when some misguided season 11 contestant decides it's a good idea to cover ''Put Your Records On.''


But since Kara didn't have the guts to speaketh the truth, Lilly did it herself. ''I thought I did really well. I really gave it my all,'' she said, clearly flummoxed by her swift and sudden downfall. ''I don't know what America wants to hear.'' Was Lilly response perhaps a tad cocksure? Um, yeah. I mean, it's Idol, and everybody's supposed to put up a facade of false modesty and wonderment — lest they lose a vote or two from easily offended audience members. But I have to give Lilly props for going out with her head held high, her feathers in her ears, and her own sense of Idol outrage as prominent as the zig-zags on her most curious tights.

Finally, a few random notations and observations...

A Memo to Simon and Kara: It is not your job to create an ''Idol moment.'' That's for the contestants. Stop frakkin touching each other.

A Memo to Ellen: Your hugs have consequences. For every bit of praise you lavish on Tim Urban for not totally tanking on ''Hallelujah,'' there is a counterbalance. Hopefully you learned that when you saw the devastated face of Mushy Banana tonight. Bottom line: Not everyone gets a gold star.

A Memo to Big Mike: Glad-handing your fellow contestants for the duration of the already interminable group numbers only adds to the discomfort and disgust the audience is feeling. You have a newborn baby, sir, but this does not make you the father figure to the top 12 contestants and/or the entire home viewing audience. Thank you.

A Memo to Lacey Brown: Wait. What kind of artist do you want to be again? ''I like to sing songs that evoke emotions.'' Ohhhh. Okay, thanks. I can't wait to buy that masterpiece.

A Memo to the Group Performance Choreographer: Your journey ends tonight.

A Note About the Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud Duet: In cooking terms, Matt threw it down on the grill; Scott gently nudged it onto the dorm-room hot plate. Methinks Matt deserves a followup invite to return to the Idol stage (and not have to share it with anybody) later this season.

And finally...A Memo to the Crystal Bowersox: We feel your pain, MamaSox, and we hope that by next week, you'll find the will to smile again, to enjoy the journey for however long this wacky nation of music lovers will allow. Because, honestly, we need you in this competition. We need you to give Siobhan a hug. We need you to keep up the jaunty repartee with Seacrest. And we need you to give guitar lessons to some of the doods.

p.s. We could read your lips after Katelyn got the axe, and we 100 percent agree with you. ''This is f----- up.'' Yep, it is. But keep on carrying on.

Shutter Island

For those of you who haven't seen the movie, I'll make this pretty spoiler free... it has only been out a month or so now.

I'm one of those people that really aren't bothered by hearing someone talk about a movie's ending, or a movie's twists, I figure I'll see it, and I know its coming, not a big deal.  I'm also the same guy that many times will read the last chapter of a book to see which characters are still around, or will go onto Wikipedia to read the synopsis of a movie or television episode while watching it.

That being said, I don't spoil it for most people, as I know most people aren't like me.  However, if its been a while, you don't have a right to get mad if you hear the words "Aaron is actually Roy, and he knows it" or "Dumbledore dies" or "Kevin Spacey IS Kyser Soze" or "Tyler Durden and The Narrator are the same person" or "Sam Beckett never returned home."  Especially "Vader is actually Luke's (and Leia's) daddy".  You had your chance, you should have seen it.  Not my fault.



So, with that in mind, let's discuss "Shutter Island", the newest film from Marty Scorcese, and his fourth collaboration with Leonardo DiCaprio (they also worked together on "Gangs of New York", "The Departed" and "The Aviator").  I'd been seeing previews for this movie much of last year, and it was due to be released late last year.  Paramount Pictures decided they would push back the release date until March of 2010, which usually indicates they have little faith in the picture, especially when it gets moved to the first part of a new year--however, they said that it was because they didn't have the proper budget to market it correctly until this year.

This might have seemed like a put-on, because what else are they going to say?  "This movie is crap, and we are going to throw it into the first part of the year so it will be released, we'll meet our contractual obligations, and then we'll move on."? 

You might remember Warner Brothers did the same thing with "Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince", moving it from November 2008 to July 2009, though they said that with the success of "The Dark Knight" in 2008, they figured they made enough money in '08, and wanted to move the surefire hit Harry Potter to a year when they weren't sure what the incomes would be.  Made sense.

Anyway, to the movie.  Set in 1954, "Shutter Island" opens up with U.S. Marshalls Teddy Daniels and Chuck Aule (an always-reliable Mark Ruffalo, no matter how good or bad the film is) arriving on a boat to an Ashecliff Hospital, a medical prison located on Shutter Island.   A patient named Rachel Solando has disappeared from a locked cell, and the head psychiatrist, Dr. John Cawley (a very creepy Ben Kingsley), explains that Rachel was institutionalized after drowning her three children.

What seems like an open-and-shut case of either a missing person or an escaped prisoner is much more, as it always is in films like this.  When a storm rolls in, forcing Teddy and Chuck to remain on the island much longer than anticipated, they begin to unearth the secrets held by the doctors, the orderlies, even some of the prisoners.  Ashecliff Hospital is not a nice place to be, apparently. 

What seems like a scary horror flick is nothing of the kind.  Its much less a Wes Craven'esque film, or a ghost tale as it is a Hitchcockian tale of suspense and twisty turny endings.  Its filmed dark and drab, the sunlight rarely makes an appearance, and looking past the star turns of DiCaprio, Ruffalo and Kingsley, you'll see several cameos that are both chilling and perfect for the tone of this film--Jackie Earle Haley is all dolled up in a grotesque get-up and is awesome in the far too few seconds they give him.  He's the guy in the trailer that growls, "You're a rat in a maze..."

By the way, did you know that Jackie Earle Haley is going to be Freddy Kruger in the reboot of "A Nightmare on Elm Street"?  There's one of two things I enjoyed about "Watchmen", and its the same person that might make me see that movie, and that's Jackie. 

The other thing I enjoyed about "Watchmen"?   Jeffrey Dean Morgan as "The Comedian".  Wait, Malin Akerman was in that movie too, wasn't she?  Okay, three things. 

Back to the movie... I had a guess how the movie would turn out about the time the ending scene was about to begin, but what threw me was I was expecting another twist.  I thought "oh, there's a twist, but I'm thinking that what I thought to begin with will be true..." and yet, it didn't.  That makes no sense, whatsoever... okay, let's put it this way.  You are watching "The Sixth Sense"--again, if you have never seen this movie, its been 11 years, so if you don't know the ending by now, I can't help you.  Anyway, the movie is ending.  You find out that Bruce Willis' character is actually dead.  This is the kind of twist that happens in "Shutter Island", something that you are like, "Oh, wow... I guess I can kind of see that, now, anyway."  But what if you see something a few minutes later in the movie that makes you think Bruce Willis wasn't dead?   That second twist was what I was expecting in "Shutter Island", but it never came, and that surprised me.

You know what?  Never mind. 

The movie was great, I thought.  There is a dream sequence in the middle of the movie that lasts a little too long, and the film itself goes on about 20 minutes long than it should... its Rated R really for language.  There's a little violence, but none too threatening, and there are lot of people smoking here, but that's because its 1954 and just about everyone smoked in the 50s. 

Bottom line is, its worth a viewing.  I think this is one of the best Scorcese movies to come out in a long, long time, perhaps since "Casino" in 1995.  It's not "Goodfellas", but let's face it, few movies are.

Goodbye Haeley!

Two Idols in one night... first, I watched the Chick Six, after watching the Dude Half Dozen last night... and its the recap!  I haven't checked Facebook or EW.com in the last few hours, so as not to find out by someone putting on their status "Wow!  I can't believe Blah Blah is staying!" or "OMG, I wish Blah Blah would get out of here!".  

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Tonight, not only do we have an hour's worth of show to tell us what can be told in 2 minutes, in that hour we have The Widower Danny Gokey singing tonight.

Lest I forget, there is a way to move quickly through this show, and that's skipping the Group Song, which always sucks. 

The guys are first.  Tim "I'm Not Keith" Urban stands up, and he's safe.  Todrick Hall is next.  After the nationwide vote, he is asked to remain standing--and that smile on Todrick's face shrinks to a slight grin.  Big Mike is grinning big, and Seacrest tells him he can sit down now. 

Casey James is called up next, and he's safe.  Which leaves Todrick Hall and John Park, which I could see coming when the back row stood up.  I could lose either of these guys and be okay.  Who goes home?  John Park.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I think I could have done without Todrick... he's kinda of annoying..."

And... now we can skip through John Park's song and through commercials.

And now, the guy's front row stands up.  Lee Dewyze stands up, and sits down, safely.  Aaron Kelly stands, and will be sitting down shortly.  And... he's sitting down.  Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert is called upon next, and Seacrest tells him to sit.  This leaves Andy Garcia and The Wrong Jermaine.  Both come to the middle... The Lovely Steph Leann begins to pray, "Oh, please let it be Jermaine who goes home... its got to be Jermaine... its got to be Jermaine..."

Who is safe and sticking around?  Andy Garcia, the early favorite, survives a scare.

And... now we can skip through The Wrong Jermaine's song and through commercials.

Here comes The Widower Danny Gokey, and somewhere, Cindy Jo is searching for the keys to the bandwagon that she was driving all last year (that is, until she stabbed The Goke in the back and went all Kris Allen on him--again, bandwagon)

He's here promoting his brand new album, and his new single, "My Best Days".  Its pretty generic, not bad, but I can tell The Lovely Steph Leann is all kinds of digging it.  She does this slight head nod to the music when she is taking in something that she really likes. 

I wish that the judges would be able to critique the new stuff.  I'd love to hear what Simon the Cowell had to say about "My Best Days".

Speaking of which, Ellen DeG says she loved the performance, and that they'll put them through.   Apparently, last year when Randy Travis was a "mentor", he came up to The Goke and told him that he should do country.  He is just talking a thousand words a minute, and its like Seacrest is trying to cut him off but can't.  Seriously... I kinda like The Goke.  He's a good guy.

Let's flip to the Chick Six.  Dim the lights!

Lillyscott is up first, and she easily sails through.  She sits down, safe.  Paige Miles, Didi Benami, Michelle My Belle, Katie Stevens are all on this row. This sucks... I don't want to lose anyone in this row.

Paige sits down. Katie Stevens is up, and she sits down.  Didi Benami and Michelle My Belle are left.  BOO!!!  BOO!!!

And... now we can sadly skip through Michelle My Belle's song and through commercials.

Who stays?  Either way it sucks.  Haeley and Lacey should be out of here!  Didi Benami is safe... and out of those two, I'm okay with it, but it sucks!  First Janell Wheeler and now Michelle My Belle!  Of course, this is a country who elected a guy to lead the country after less than 150 days in the Senate, because he wasn't Bush and he wasn't white.  On all counts, BOOO!!!!

Now on the front row, Katie Epperly is up first, and she sits down.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Yeah, but don't ever, ever wear those earrings again."  C'Bosox is obviously safe.  Duh.

Siobhan Magnus is up now... okay, okay, I admit it, I like her more and more I think.  She comes back next week.

That leaves Haeley Vaughn and Lacey Brown.  For the guys, I could have lost either Todrick or John Park and not cared... but this duo?  Get rid of Haeley!  Lacey is going to have to step it up like a stepshow next week, though.  Simon says, "Its obvious who will go home tonight..." I beg to differ, because this is the same show that sent home Janell Wheeler, Joe Munoz and Michelle My Belle, so who knows what's happening here?

Whew... Haeley is going home.

And then, in conversation with Haeley, I'm not sure how it happened, but Seacrest either used the word "cooter", "hooter" or "pooter".  Either way, so long Haeley.

Creed On Idol? And Other Strange Idol Notes...

It's late game, the results are actually going on right now, and as I type this, its 724p on Thursday, and I would imagine that at least one Idol has been kicked off the show.  But I don't know who.  I won't know who... until later tonight... because, by virtue of DVR...

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Last night, the dudes were onstage, tonight its the chicks... they were supposed to be on last night, but for some unknown reason, Crystal Bowersox was taken to the hospital and told by her doctors to not perform for a night... so, with Idol being the kind, generous folks they are, plus the fact that C'Bosox is one of their early-on favorites, they switched nights (c'mon... do you really think if it had been Ashley Rodriguez who got sick that they would have flipped things around?  Exactly)

So, for tonight, we are going to squeeze in Idol, plus the results show, plus Survivor, and, oh yeah, I have to pack, because while its 7:33p right now (The Lovely Steph Leann, who has already seen both performance shows, had just come in for something... want to mention that in case you think "wow, 9 minutes to type a single paragraph?"), in about 8 hours, I'll be starting up the car to head to Lake Buena Vista, Florida. 

Right off the top, they bring out C'Bosox, without explanation of why she was sick or what happened.  Obviously, she's better.  Here's a question... why am I so drawn to Kara the New Hotness?  I mean, really... perhaps its her sitting next to America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen, sort of like how a blind person has all their other senses more aware, perhaps a lack of Hotness on the judges panel raises Kara the New Hotness' beauty scale.  Sort of like the saying, wanna look skinny, hang out with fat people.  Anyway...

C'Bosox is up first, and her video tells us all about having a twin brother.  I'm assuming he's not identical.  And am I the only one who thinks she has weird teeth?  I mean, we jumped all over Elliott Yah-mean a few seasons ago for this jacked up grill, but are we afraid to admit that C'Bosox has got some funky dental issues?  Just sayin'.

She's doing some CCR, and while last week, she sounded like a good cover artist on Alanis, this week she sounds like a good cover artist on CCR.  I thought it was kinda bluesy, I thought it was cool... Crystal Bowersox did a cool, cool performance.  Rock on.  Randy the Dawg, Ellen DeG, Kara the New Hotness and Simon the Cowell all loved it.

Haeley Vaughn... she's going to be singing Miley Cyrus.  One can only hope she doesn't take on "Party in the USA".  No, no, its "The Climb".  Okay, so is it racist to make fun of the way she looks, just because she's black?  I made fun of C'Bosox, so screw it... I'm not entirely convinced her lips actually come together.  Like, they flashed to her and her mouth was closed, but that may have been digitally enhanced, or she just worked really hard to get it done.  And a few seconds later, they snapped back open.

Didn't like the song when it came out, didn't like it when I heard it every hour, 8 hours a day, five to six days per week, for six months.  Didn't like it when the movie came out and Miley sang it (though Billy Ray Cyrus doing that finger-point thing was the highlight and almost worth a viewing... almost).  And I don't like the song now, especially when Haeley Vaughn is singing it.  The Lovely Steph Leann walked in, heard part of it, and said, "Wow, its worse than it was last night..."

Randy the Dawg didn't like it.  Ellen DeG didn't like it.   Kara the New Hotness tells her that people are rooting for her (who?  I don't know anyone who likes her!).  Then she tells Haeley that she needs another year of voice training... which is crappy, because Angela Martin could be sitting/singing here tonight, while Haeley awaits her turn next year.

By the way, you know you are old when Billy Ray Cyrus is no longer Billy "Achy Breaky" Ray Cyrus, he's just Miley's dad. 

I think that I view Lacey Brown kinda like Democrats view He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected... so young, so brilliant, so full of promise, so much potential.  And epic, epic fail.  I mean big fail.  Falling on your face fail.   At least Lacey is kinda cute. 

Tonight, after Kara the New Hotness' recommendation, she's taking on "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer.  Man, I loved me some Sixpence back in the day.  And right from the first note, I can tell you that Lacey is NOT Leigh Nash.  By the way, Leigh Nash's first album ranked as the 30th cool thing of 2006... and its even better years later. 

And the song is over, which is what I was stalling for.  It wasn't very good.  It just wasn't.  I wanted it to be, I wanted to be all about some Lacey Brown... Randy the Dawg agreed with me, Ellen DeG liked the song, Kara the New Hotness liked the first half of the song, and Simon the Cowell says it was better than last week, marginally.

Unlike He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, I want to give Lacey Brown one more chance.  Lacey, I'm in your corner.  And if not, we can vote you out.  Just like He Who Must Not Re-Elected.  Yes we can!

Here comes Katie Stevens, perhaps the most boring Idol name since John Stevens.  And her video shows that... well, she's annoying, but it also shows that she's 17 years old.  She's doing Corinne Bailey Rae, "Put Your Records On".  She might be kind of annoying, but she's a fun annoying.

The song is not bad.  I mean, its not Corinne Bailey Rae, who is pretty darn good, but for a white girl, its a decent version.  Randy the Dawg says, "Yo, so yo, man, dawg, yo, so yo, work it out, yo, man you worked it out, yo dawg" or something to that effect.  Re: he liked it.  Ellen DeG says she has a great voice but wanted more.  Kara the New Hotness tells her she's frustrated, wanting even more from Katie.  Simon the Cowell is also frustrated.

Now, its Didi Benami, who kinda has a My Former Next American Idol Brooke White look about her.  That's a good thing, because I thought My Former Next American Idol Brooke White was a cutie-patootie. (Did I just say "cutie-patootie"?  I'm channeling my inner America's Former Favorite Lesbian Rosie O'Donnell...). 

"Lean on Me" by Bill Withers, and I have a feeling this isn't going to go well.  It never does with this song unless your name is actually Bill Withers, or maybe dcTalk, from the "Free at Last" album, which rocks. 

She's hitting the high, loud notes, and sounds okay, but really, I liked Ingrid Michaelsen's "The Way I Am" much better last week.   Randy the Dawg didn't like the song choice either.  Ellen DeG loves her voice, and her smile and her energy, but didn't like the song.  Kara the New Hotness just flat out says, "Didi... it wasn't good.  It just wasn't good."  Slap up by KTNH... wow.  Simon the Cowell says it was all over the place, screechy and a bad song...

Seacrest comes up to tell her numbers, and Didi keeps smiling... though she's holding her tears back through force, you can tell.  The Lovely Steph Leann actually just went on a rant... "What did you think?  I thought it was pretty good!  I mean, they trashed her!  Like, she was in key, she knew the words, she made it good... I don't get it.  I mean, she wasn't brilliant or anything, but she was a whole lot better than Haeley Vaughn!"  She throws her arms in disgust, "What do they want?!" and goes into the kitchen.  That was kind of fun.

Michelle My Belle is doing... Creed?  CREED?   Holy crap!  Creed?  Creed?  Like, Scott Stapp?  "With Arms Wide Open"?  This is either going to be awesome or a total piece of crap... seldom has The McGriddle Effect had potential on an Idol's performance.  This is historic.

Creed.  Has there ever been a band that was so beloved and popular for a time only to be such a punchline now?  No, besides boy bands, I mean.  Even then, at least Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight and Timberlake had careers beyond their bands...

Personally, I thought the original was atrocious, and the video was even worse, with Stapp standing on this Irish bluff, singing with... well, arms wide open.  That means that a crying bucket of puppies would sound better than the original, and luckily for me, Michelle My Belle is making the song good.   Great.  That was just great.  The best looking Idol of the season has done the best job of the night...

Randy the Dawg didn't like it, saying "I thought you'd do more with it", making The Wrong Jermaine want to poke sticks in his eyes thinking of what he could have done with it.  Ellen DeG liked the song.  Kara the New Hotness loved it.  Yeah, Kara the New Hotness!  She even says "You almost made the song unrecognizable, which was so cool..." Poor Jermaine Sellers.  Simon the Cowell agrees with Kara the New Hotness, even saying "We do give a lot of contradictory advice..."

Lillyscott comes up next, doing Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come", another very, very risky tune.  She's wearing a shirt that reminds me of a purse that Lil Sister Ashley would use.   As she sings, she almost does the John Mayer "I'm gonna french the mic" singing style, and though the song is extremely hard to do, she's doing it proper justice. 

Despite my own proclivities, I like Lillyscott.  Can't help it.  Randy the Dawg loved it.  Ellen DeG says she has "it".  Kara the New Hotness says she had a "moment".  Simon the Cowell says it was good. 

Katelyn Epperly heard me discussing last week my fondness for Michelle My Belle, and it looks like she's dressed up to compete.  K-Ep looks... well, let's be honest, hot.  That dot in her forehead is kinda weird, but still.  She's singing Coldplay.  Coldplay? 

Okay, fine, Coldplay.  Its "The Scientist" on... piano.  Piano? 

Well, here she is... and she is awesome.  Like, seriously awesome.  And finally, finally, we have our first nomination for My Next American Idol.  Listen, looks have nothing to do with it... last year, My Former Next American Idol was Allison Iraheta, so looks really, really have nothing to do with it... but K-Ep just did a fantastic performance.  She was awesome... sounded great.

Randy liked it.  Ellen DeG says she kinda got sleepy.  Kara the New Hotness says she kinda loves her.  And even winks.  Simon the Cowell says it was a smart choice of song, but must be cautious to not be corny.  Personally, my favorite song of the night.

Paige Miles is kinda like John Park... I have no problem with them.  But they haven't won me over at all.  But I'm willing to give her a chance.  So, Paige, impress me.

Tonight she's singing "Walk Away" by Kelly Clarkson.  Okay, Paige, impress me.

And you know what?  She did.  That was great.  Oh, don't get me wrong, Paige is going to have to go a long way to even think about being d$'s Next American Idol, but its a start.

Randy the Dawg didn't love it, but liked it alot.  Ellen the Lesbian loved it.  Kara the New Hotness, who actually wrote the song, says that the song was written angry, so she should have played into that.  Simon the Cowell liked it, but is afraid she didn't choose the right song. 

And finally, Siobhan Magnus.  Amarylis by Morning (up from San Antone) loved this chick last week, even borderline chiding me for not loving her as much.  This week, she--that being Siobhan, though I'm sure Amarylis by Morning (up from San Antone) could do it just as well--is doing Aretha's "Think". 

The song is such a black diva song that its just weird when I see a skinny white girl do it.  It almost loses something.  And here, it feels like it loses something.  Well, it did until she hit that note at the end and the rafters almost came down... that was a heckuva note, in a good way.

Randy the Dawg says she picked the "dopest, coolest song" and then says, "it was dope!".  Ellen DeG just made a Snuggie joke, which made me laugh at her jokes for the first time this year.  Kara the New Hotness says she can't get over that note.  Simon the Cowell says there were parts of the note that were terrible, but that last note was incredible. 

Here's how it breaks down for me tonight... Katelyn Epperly... Michelle My Belle... C'Bosox... Siobhan Magnus... Paige Miles... Lillyscott... Didi Benami... Katie Stevens... Lacey Brown... Haeley Vaughn

So, if I'm picking the Chick Six right now, I'm easily taking K-Ep, Michelle My Bell, C'Bosox and Lillyscott.  I'm probably taking Didi Benami, and though its a toss up between Siobhan and Paige, I'm going Siobhan tonight, if only to not get chided by Amarylis by Morning (up from San Antone).

The Idol Dudes Underwhelm... Again

My Idol resolve is being tested.  My willingness to watch and comment, for whatever its worth, be it your entertainment or just posterity, is being tested.  Let's look at the facts...

Its 1120pm on a Wednesday night... I've worked, in this order since Sunday--The Happiest Place in the Mall (Sunday)... The Happiest Place in the Mall & then Starbucks (Monday)... Starbucks & then The Happiest Place in the Mall (Tuesday)... Starbucks & then the Happiest Place in the Mall (today)... and tomorrow, I work The Happiest Place in the Mall all day long.  I'm exhausted.  I'm sleepy.

I haven't seen either the girls or guys this week do their thing.  I'll have to, even with fast forwarding, go through about 2 hours of Idol.  And its 11:23pm now.

I could watch it all tomorrow night, but tomorrow night is results... and also Survivor.  And I also have to pack for leaving town Friday.  And The Lovely Steph Leann wants to do a little shopping.  And we are leaving somewhere between 330 and 630am on Friday morning.  And its 11:24 now.

My middle finger on my left hand has a little cut on the cuticle, and there's a little spot on my index finger of my right hand, where I accidentally poked it with a box cutter, so either hand hurts slightly to type the D, R, E, H and a few other select keys.  And now?  Its 11:26pm.

But I press on.  I move forward.  I do it... I do it for you.  I do it because...

THIS IS

AMERICAN IDOL

First of all, last week, Tyler Grady went home... I'm okay with that, though The Lovely Steph Leann had problems with it.  And Joe Munoz went home, which is a travesty, considering The Wrong Jermaine, John Park and Tim "Wish I Were Keith" Urban all are still on the show.  And then for the girls... fine, punt A-Rod.  I'm okay with that.  But Janellybean?  Janell Wheeler goes home and Haeley Vaughn survives?  

By the way, that is Captain Tebow with Janell Wheeler... apparently, they were going steady at one point.  Who knew? 

I seriously am not pointing out any conspiracy here... but sometimes I wonder how much "affirmative action" takes place on this show... just sayin'.  I ain't sayin', but just sayin'.

Our judges tonight, still Randy the Dawg, America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG, Kara the New Hotness, sporting a high-bangs still hot hairdid, and Simon Cowell. 

Big Mike is up first.  He's singing James Brown's "Its a Man's World", and in his opening video, he makes comments that the judges are supportive, here for them and he takes none of their comments negatively... which makes me laugh, because its almost a direct response, being from the heart or from the producers pencil, to Tyler's and A-Rod's comments last week that the judges didn't give them good criticism and their feedback was way too late.  Punks.  But Janell?  I am in mourning.

Big Mike finishes up, was pretty good, and Randy the Dawg makes the obligatory "I feel like the season just started RIGHT NOW!!" and does a standing O.  Don't know if it deserves all that, now.   Ellen DeG, Kara the New Hotness and Simon the Cowell heap praise onto Big Mike as well. 

John Park is singing a John Mayer song... look, I have nothing against John Park.  He seems like a good kid, he's got very womanly hair, and he's got some good tone on "Gravity".  But he's not great.  He's good.  He's decent.  He'll do.  And you never want your American Idol to be good, decent and just "do".  You want feeeee-nominal.  And Feeeee-nominal is not John Park.  I think Boooooo-ring is John Park. 

The judges agree, with Simon the Cowell even predicting that John will head home after this week.  I would be okay with that, but there are so many I'd rather see go than John Park.  And then see John Park go. 

Up next is Casey James with... seriously?  I mean, seriously?  There should be a list of songs that are no longer allowed to be performed on this show, songs like "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson... "Respect" by Aretha... anything by pre-crack Whitney and pre-skank Mariah... and this song, "I Don't Wanna Be" by Gavin McGraw.

Course, if I was Gavin McGraw, I would be thanking the Good Saviour Above for the show American Idol, because without this show, this song would be completely irrelevant.  What's that you say?  You like that song?  Sure.  Remember "Flagpole Sitta" or anything by Sum 41... or 42 or whoever?  My point exactly.  Irrelevant.

Perhaps I'm just bored by this song, and that's why I'm unimpressed with CJ's rendition, though he is adding some flair to it by playing the electric guitar.  Randy the Dawg loved it, Ellen DeG loved the guitar playing (it was good, btw)... but Kara the New Hotness didnt like it, telling him he took steps back.  Simon the Cowell agrees with Kara.

Next, we have Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert, the kid with the semi-mullet.  He's nervous, just like last week, and he's not the strongest vocal performer, but he's a lot more likable than John Park.  He's doing "Everybody Knows" by John Legend.  Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert sits on the stool, guitar in hand, and sounds... well, sounds pretty good.  That last note was kinda iffy, but still... not bad. 

Randy the Dawg liked it... Ellen DeG comments on his mullet, and liked it... Kara the New Hotness likes him quite a bit... Simon the Cowell says it was a million times better than last week, but tells him he needs more confidence.  I agree.  I can almost see a Clay Aiken, awkward kid who can sing who morphs into a real contender in about five weeks.  You heard it here.

Todrick Hall is singing "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner, another big song... remember, he's the guy who did "Since U Been Gone", and though I thought it was fun and different, if not a little sketchy, the judges ripped it apart.

Toddy has changed the arrangement up, like last week, and has a jazzy, smooth sound to the song... I say "smooth", but thats meaning the flow of the song, not his performance. 

So, it wasn't perfect--far from it, but here's my bone with the judges.  They ask for people to make songs their own, they don't want copycat versions and soundalikes, but when someone like Todrick Hall does something different, they don't just discuss the issues with the tone and voice, they chide him for the version he did.  How can you tell what they want? 

The Wrong Jermaine, aptly named because Purifory was cut while Sellers lives on, and watching his little video makes me like this guy even less.  "Them judges was cut-troat!" he says.  He's singing "What's Going On" by Mavin Gaye, and he's sporting some sort of poofy-in-one-spot-on-his-head hairdid...

This song was terrible.  Randy the Dawg agrees with me.  Ellen DeG agrees with me.  Kara the New Hotness agrees with me.  Simon the Cowell tells him that he takes great songs and makes them meaningless.  As EW pointed out, its as if he's auditioning for Cirque de Soleil: Holleration!   The Wrong Jermaine says he knows God, and implies that God will keep him hear.  I'm sure Todrick is awesome in church... but not while singing Marvin Gaye tunes.

Andy Garcia's video shows his ability to breakdance.  Yeah!  That's what I'm talking about!  Backspins, popping, the caterpiller... rad.  To the max.  Tonight, he's singing a James Morrison song.  With "You Give Me Something", I admit I'm not a music scholar, and I personally cannot sing worth a lick... but I usually know what's not good.  That song?  Not good.  Not at all. 
 
Randy the Dawg didn't like it, Ellen DeG did.  She mentions the "Straight Up" rendition in Hollywood Week, which leads one to wonder how much mileage one guy can get off of one performance.  Heaven forbid he pulls off a Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name" or a David Cook "Hello" kind of performance, they might just give him the title right there.  And Kara the New Hotness even tells him he needs to take a song and make it his own... and I'm sure The Wrong Jermaine is thinking "What am I supposed to do?"

Aaron Kelly is up next.  He's doing The Temptations... or Four Tops... song "My Girl".  I am wondering if The Four Tops and The Temptations are actually the same band.  No one knows for sure.  Seacrest says the song is from The Four Tops, but I'm not convinced. 

He seems a lot more confident than last week, but if you put your fingers up to your throat, then tapped as you sang, it would sound much like we are hearing right now.   I don't want to give up on this kid yet, though... he's got some potential.

Randy the Dawg liked the first half of the song.  Ellen DeG told him the song is forgettable.  Kara the New Hotness really liked it.  Simon the Cowell didn't like it at all.  Kara the New Hotness comments that it was good that Aaron did his own version of the song.  The Wrong Jermaine just slapped himself.

Tim "Not Keith" Urban is doing "Come On Get High". The kid has good hair, and has some Troy Bolton kind of look to him... again, I like this kid overall, though I'm pretty sure he's not my next American Idol.   As he was singing, I sort of got distracted by Facebook.  So, I kinda heard it... but not enough to tell you it was great.   But... it wasn't bad.

Randy the Dawg didn't like it, neither did Ellen DeG.  In fact, she tells him he should act, maybe on "Glee", and do singing as a second skill.  Kara the New Hotness tells him he should have made the song his own.  The Wrong Jermaine just kicked a hole in the wall and shot a puppy.  Simon the Cowell... liked it.  And when Simon the Cowell says he liked it, Tim "Not Keith" Urban's jaw drops and mouths "wow". 

As Seacrest calls out his phone number, Tim "Not Keith" Urban looks down at his fingers for a minute, taking a second to get 9 digits in the air.  Funny.

And finally, its Lee Dewyze, who's singing "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder. I like this guy alot, he's got a cool voice and seems like he can take that "rocker" status easily, and doesn't even have to try, unlike Casey James, who doesn't quite fit the rocker mold.

I'm not really familiar with this song... but its not bad, Lee's version of it.  Its all... well, pitchy.  Randy the Dawg tells him that its good that he took chances.  Ellen DeG loved it.   Kara the New Hotness dug it.  Simon the Cowell liked it.

For the night... last week, my favorite was Joe Munoz, and he's gone... I hope the same fate doesn't befell Alex Lambert...

Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert... Lee Dewyze... Big Mike... CJ... Aaron Kelly... Andy Garcia... Tim "Not Keith" Urban... Todrick Hall... John Park... The Wrong Jermaine...

If I had to pick The Dude Half-Dozen, I'm going with Alex Lambert... Big Mike... Casey James... Andy Garcia.. Lee DeWyze... and Aaron Kelly, getting a small nudge over Tim Urban.  Its time for Todrick, The Wrong Jermaine and John Park to get bounced--but you know at least of them will make it into the Top 12.  Ain't saying.  Just sayin'.

A Bad Movie Review: Superman III

What I was going to do tonight, while watching a quick version (and by "quick", I mean fast forwarding through the really bad matches) of WWE: Raw, was to do my review of "Shutter Island".  Since I feel like I'm working something like, 82 hours this week--its really only about 55, but who's counting--I don't have time to blog a whole lot...

But, to give you some good reading for a day or two, I wanted to share this post that I found... its a guy named Eric Snider, and he reviews bad movies.  I love the idea that that job even exists--so far, he's done "The Pagemaster", "Gymkata", "Supergirl" and "Cocktail", among others, and this review made me laugh really, really hard... its his take on "Superman III", a movie that is so atrocious that when it comes on television, I tend to keep going as fast as I can.  Its bad.  I mean, really, really bad.  Like, really bad.

I loved the first "Superman", and consider the "Superman II" battle over Metropolis between Superman, Zod, Non and Ursula to be surpassed only by the Death Star ending in "Star Wars" as far as sci-fi confrontations go... when I was a kid, I relished that fight scene.  But there is a reason I absolutely refuse to buy the box set of Superman movies... because I would then, by default, own "Superman III" and "Superman IV: The Quest for Peace", and one of my life goals is to never, ever, ever actually own, or ever see again, either of those movies.  Cause they are both terrible. 

Anyway, here's Snider's review on "Superman III"...

Superman III may be a terrible movie, but I admire the way the filmmakers stuck to their guns. Many of us, given the opportunity to make a Superman film, would be tempted to include some scenes of thrilling action and heroic derring-do. The Superman III people resisted this urge. The Superman III people -- I will not tell you their names; it would only encourage them -- boldly chose instead to cram their film with unfunny slapstick and inane story lines. To the casual observer, it might appear they had no idea they were making a Superman film at all, but rather believed the project was a vehicle for John Candy and Eugene Levy, and was perhaps going to be a cartoon.


In case your memory is faulty, this is not the one where Superman fights against a villain made out of nuclear energy (that's Superman IV), nor is it the one where three Kryptonian villains travel to Earth in a mirror (that's Superman II), nor is it the one where a turn-of-the-century matchmaker finds love (that's Hello Dolly). Superman III is the one where Richard Pryor is a computer hacker helping an evil industrialist control the weather, and where Clark Kent goes to his high school reunion and almost kisses a girl. And there: I've just revealed the two most exciting things that happen in the movie.


Since the dynamic between Superman and Lois Lane was so successful in the first two films, Superman III cuts Lois out almost entirely, in accordance with the timeless principle that the things you should fix first are the things which are not broken. Poor Margot Kidder is relegated to just two scenes, one at the beginning and one at the end, with Lois Lane "on vacation" (my assumption: in rehab) in between. Her duties as alliteratively named love interest are taken over by Lana Lang (Annette O'Toole), who was the object of Clark's affections back in high school and still lives in Smallville because, not to put too fine a point on it, she's a loser.

Clark and Lana meet up again at their 15-year reunion in Smallville, where banners declare them the Class of 1965, making this 1980, even though it's actually 1983. (This can be explained by Superman reversing the rotation of the Earth, or by the filmmakers simply not caring, take your pick). Clark is here because he told his boss, Perry White (Jackie Coogan), that attending his high school reunion would make for an interesting feature story, and for some reason, possibly the result of a stroke, Mr. White believed this. He sent along Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure), too, even though Jimmy Olsen is evidently the Daily Planet's only photographer and must surely be needed in Metropolis. This is why newspapers are dying, people.

Meanwhile, there's a guy in Metropolis named Gus, played by Richard Pryor, who is here to provide comic relief -- and thank goodness, since otherwise the movie would be nothing but nonstop mildness and inaction! Gus is a smooth-talking, unemployed fellow who sees an ad for a computer-programming school, takes one class, and, presto, is now a computer genius. Gus gets a low-level job at a huge corporation called Webscoe and immediately embezzles a lot of money by redirecting all the half-cents in people's paychecks to his own account. It's very clever the way he does this. He accesses the company's payroll on the computer, enters his employee number, and then types: "CHANNEL HALF CENTS FROM ALL WEBSCOE SALARIES INTO ABOVE EXPENSES ACCOUNT." What, no password required?? Don't be silly. Before this, there was a screen that said "GIVE SECURITY CODE," and Gus typed, "OVERIDE ALL SECURITY" (yes, misspelled). You have to admit, you never would have thought of this, since it's stupid and would never work.

The embezzlement earns Gus the attention of the CEO, billionaire Ross Webster (Robert Vaughn). Impressed by Gus's ability to make computers do complicated things merely by giving them rudimentary commands that require no special skills, Webster assigns him to a larger task. Webster wants to ruin Colombia's coffee crop (never mind why; does he need a reason?), and he figures he can do it by having Gus access one of the satellites that currently monitor the weather and reprogram it to cause the weather instead.

You might have noticed that this plan has a serious flaw, i.e., it is impossible and doesn't make sense. The movie does not see this as a hindrance. The movie, which is as gleefully stupid as a brain-damaged puppy, believes that computers -- all computers, even the basic model that was in your office in 1983, or 1980, or whatever year this is -- can literally do anything. When Gus uses a computer to tell the satellite to send a tornado to Colombia, it also causes a random ATM to spit out extra cash and a random traffic light to malfunction. The people who made Superman III -- again, don't worry about their names -- had heard the term "computer programming" once and thought it could be used as an explanation for everything that happened in their movie. "How did you do that?" "Computers! I programmed them!" It was the 1980s equivalent of the 1950s B-movies where everything was solved by Science! or Radar! -- **To be fair, it's now 2010, and this is still how my aunt thinks computers work.


The dubiously created weather hits Colombia pretty hard, injuring a pair of tourists who were there on a vacation package they won in a Daily Planet-sponsored sweepstakes. The weather is not the newspaper's fault, of course, but the tourists sue them for damages anyway. I mention it because the filing of a frivolous lawsuit is the most plausible event in the film.

And what about Clark Kent and Lana Lang, back in Smallville? Who cares! Who cares also about whatever Superman is up to, when he's not being Clark Kent! Believe me, there is nothing of interest on either front. Oh, except that Superman saved the Colombian coffee crop by drying up all the extra rain with his magic water-drying powers, which he totally has. This sorely vexes Webster, who believed his plan of turning a data-gathering satellite into a tornado-producing machine was foolproof. Now he wants Gus to use Computers! to figure out what's in kryptonite so they can make a fake batch of it and kill Superman with it. (The computer replies: "INSTRUCTIONS RECIEVED [sic].") This plan, too, seems foolproof. Webster probably figures the only reason none of Superman's other enemies ever did it was that they never thought of it -- that, or they were sadly ignorant of the power of Computers! This is why it pays to be tech-savvy.

Somehow, despite the foolproof nature of this plan, the homemade kryptonite fails to kill Superman. It only makes him surly and apathetic, like a DMV employee, or Tommy Lee Jones. He arrives too late to a distress call, and later straightens the leaning tower of Pisa. Because of this -- and I mean it, those are the only examples given -- all the nations of the world join in censuring Superman for his awful behavior. After this, Superman blows out the Olympic torch and gets drunk in a bar. The movie suggests that what we have now is a "dark" Superman. The problem is that the movie is too sissy to show us what a dark Superman would really be like: breaking into bank vaults, using X-ray vision to see into women's locker rooms, pulling bad guys' heads off their bodies, throwing the moon into the sun, etc. The worst thing he's allowed to do is get liquored up, and it's not like he drives afterward.

What he does is fly to a junkyard and get into a fight with himself. Clark Kent, representing Superman's good side, materializes, and the two entities have it out, supermano-a-supermano. This physical manifestation of Superman's inner turmoil isn't the worst idea I've ever heard, although it does end, unfortunately, with Good Clark strangling Bad Superman to death, making it a rather strange incident of autoerotic asphyxiation. (You might question the "erotic" part, but come on. One of them is wearing brightly colored tights.)

Superman is back to normal now, after like 10 minutes of being "bad." Thank goodness the movie nipped that non-crisis in the bud before it developed into something interesting. Now Superman can get back to defeating Webster, who has forced Gus to build a giant supercomputer in a cave in the Grand Canyon and guard it with missiles. It should not surprise you to learn that building the giant supercomputer was very, very easy, and that installing it in the Grand Canyon was no problem either. Undertaking a major construction project in the middle of a national park is not a big deal at all. You have to fill out some forms at the ranger's station, but that's it.

Anyway, this supercomputer doesn't kill Superman any better than the other Superman-killing devices did. The whole scheme is a big waste of time, or at least it would be if it had taken any time to execute in the first place. (The entire movie, from beginning to end -- Gus's embezzlement, the satellite, the supercomputer -- happens during Lois Lane's vacation, which we're told lasted three weeks.) In the final analysis, Webster is a poor substitute for Lex Luthor, Lana Lang is a poor substitute for Lois Lane, and Superman III is a poor substitute for entertainment.

Hope you enjoyed that... back soon with Idol's chicks and guys...

God Blessed My Broken Road

The Lovely Steph Leann and I were sitting at dinner tonight, what we declared our "Anniversary Dinner", and it dawned on me.  I've been married to her for over half the time I've known her... we met in 2000 briefly, then became friends in 2001, dating in 2003, married in 2004... I've known her just under ten years, and tomorrow, I'll have been married to her for six.

For those who want the full story of d$ and The Lovely Steph Leann, you can click here to go back to "A Love Story in Three Acts" from June/July of 2006.  If the "click here to go to the next part" links don't work, you can just go into archives on the right sidebar, open up July 2006 and read from there.

Now that is pretty long... I'm told its a good read, but its a lot of reading, so if you want the shorter version, you can click here, but I must warn you that its not as accurate--The Lovely Steph Leann says the short version changes a few key facts here and there.

Anyway, anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows I talk about alot of different things, including those I consider the eyecandy of the world, be it The Goddess or Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with, but anyone paying attention knows how much I adore and love my wife.   I dote on her every chance I get, and though I'm sure I annoy the fool out of her--sometimes on purpose--she knows how I feel about her... and yet, sometimes, I just want to tell her again.

So, Sunday at about 2:30pm, we'll have been married for six years.  Six of the longest best years of my life, six of the longest most fantastic years of hers.  There's always one song that comes to mind when I think of our relationship, and God's plan for me, her and us as it was unfolding for us.  "Bless the Broken Road" is kind of the epitome of what I'd have to say about my life before The Lovely Steph Leann... so, this is for you... Happy Anniversary baby.  I love you. 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.

She Done Threwed Up in Two Places

Watching The Happiest Place in the Mall descend into a chaotic version of a bargain basement Disney outlet has been maddening.   Its a store full of Cast Members who care about every single thing in our store, from how the shirts are folded (Bo Peep likes to take an excruciatingly long time to fold every shirt exactly, a trait that is a blessing and a curse) to turning the dome tumblers out so that each character is lined up, facing out, to making sure that everything that hangs is sized, smallest to largest, with a size 7 in front. 

Now, its folding shirts as quick as possible... its filling bins with items that we've long since sold out of, sent to our store as clearance, and emptying those bins on a shelf as quickly as possible.  Every morning, we throw the Magical Chum into the store, every morning the Bargain hunting sharks circle and kill. 

The Lovely Steph Leann asked me the other day about work... a simple, "How was the day?"  I sighed.  I explained the day, now a typical day at The Happiest Place in the Mall, by this simple monologue...

"We close April 24th... it's a leasing issue with the mall... no, there are no plans to relocate... April 24th... yes, we are upset too... no, not everything in the store is on sale, sir... yes, ma'am, its April 24th... no, the animation characters around the top are not for sale... no, there won't be another store in Birmingham... April 24th... no, its not a relocation... its a leasing issue with the mall... not everything is on sale... April 24th... its a leasing issue with the mall... April 24th... no, the characters around the top aren't for sale...  no, we are not relocation... April 24th... we are unhappy about it too... no, its not a relocation... April 24th... its a leasing issue with the mall... no, not everything is on sale... April 24th... April 24th... its a leasing issue with the mall... no, the animation characters around the top are not on sale... April 24th... no, its not a relocation... its a leasing issue with the mall... not everything is on sale... April 24th... April 24th... no relocation, its leasing, April 24th..."

If I were to walk into a store that was closing, I would ask those questions, I'm sure... "When are you closing, exactly?" and "Is there another store opening up anywhere?" and "What's going on?  Why are you closing?" and though I wouldn't assume that everything is on sale, especially items that aren't under a sale banner or sign when its very, very clear that things that are on sale are indicated by large red signs that say, for lack of a better word, "SALE" on them, I would possibly ask what some of the sales were.  When I hear these answers, it doesn't occur to me that while I'm only hearing them once, the person answering my questions are probably saying the same things 40 times per day.  And thus, I am doing that very thing.

Fauna put it eloquently tonight... "It's like we're watching a terminally ill family member just waste away.  We know the end is coming, but we have to watch it happen slowly." 

I don't think it would be so bad, though, if people weren't... well, either a) thoughtless and rude... b) stupid... c) oblivious to anything that doesn't involve their immediate personal space or d) some combination of a through c, including but not limited to all choices together. 

Guest, putting down a Princess Tiana tumbler on the counter.
Flora: Just so you know, ma'am, that one is $6.50, or 2 for $10.
Guest:  Why ain't it $1.99 like the rest of them?
Flora: Well, ma'am, just the ones on the front table are on sale.  The ones on the back fixture are regular price. 
(never mind that because of this very issue, I had very clearly set the "$1.99" sign on the front table, then with purpose and intent, set another very visible sign that said "$6.50 OR 2 for $10" squarely in front of the regular price tumblers)
Guest: Well, that's just stupid.  All your stuff should be on sale.  I mean, y'all in are in bankruptcy!

Jason Turnbow, and his spawn Bailey, came in to say hello, smelling of the Jim'N Nick's BBQ they had just consumed.  Not too long after that, the splendid Emmy Turnbow walked through to say hello.  A hug and a smile from a beautiful friend is sometimes all that's needed to put a little sunshine on the night.  And it was needed. 

Tonight, I picked up no less than four half full to mostly full beverages off of shelves.  Cups with "Manchu Wok" on them, or "Great Wraps", or a unidentifiable cup, with lid and straw, just left on a shelf, or on a rack.  And during the course of my day, not only did I clean up milkshake, a large vanilla one from McDonald's that mom dropped, I also cleaned up a large glass of water, dumped accidentally, squarely in front of the box office counter...

...but the coup de grace...

Sitting in the backstage office, working on a numbers sheet, the phone rings from up front.  Its Charlotta.  "Hey, d$, we got a problem up here."   Yeah, what's that?  "Bring some paper towels.  We got throw up."

Sigh.

I go into our restroom and grab a new roll of paper towels, and head to the stage.  And sure enough, a young princess has decided that dinner was so good, she wanted to experience it twice... on the carpet, of course.  And it was a good sized splatter too, with far reaching tentacles that stretched out at least a foot from its center core, which itself had a diameter of at least 8 inches of chicken particles and something that resembled cheese.  Or oats. Or broccoli.  Or Kellogg's Honey Smacks.  Not sure.

A little girl, possibly 3, stood idly by, somewhat ashamed.  To her credit, mom asked me for the paper towels to clean up what she could, and I allowed her that pleasure.  I brought her the garbage can, and went to look for our chemical cleanser, Virex, to spray over it.   As I sprayed it down, and leaned over to scrub and gather what I could, I looked over at the little girl, who had brown stains all over her sleeve.  "Its okay, sweetie, you didn't mean to.  It happens sometimes."  Mom said she was sorry, and the little girl remained silent.  "You feeling okay now?" I asked.  She said she was.  "You know, sometimes when I am sick and throw up, I suddenly feel better.  That's so weird to throw up and then feel okay, isn't it?"  She agreed that yes, it was weird. 

I told her to stand back while I sprayed the Virex, and this is when dad entered the picture  And my first thought?  Cousin Eddie.  No joke. 

Jeans, a t-shirt that was perhaps a bit too tight, a leather coat, and a hick accent... I'm on my hands and knees, spraying this harsh chemical, wadding up mass amounts of paper towels, rubbing out and scrubbing up bits of what could be brains for all I know, and here's what Cousin Eddie says...

"So, where y'all moving too?"
"Nowhere.  Its just a closing."
"What?  That's a shame, man.  So there ain't gonna be no Disney in Birmingham, huh?"
"No sir."
"Where's the closest ones gonna be now?"
"There are several stores in Atlanta, and if you are in the area, you can try the Mobile store."
"Atlanta?  Man, that's a long ways off.  So, what y'all gonna do now?"
Still scrubbing.  With a smile on my face, mind you, because for at least the next 60 days, that's my job.
"Well, we'll all move on and find other jobs, I'm guessing."
"When's y'all's last day gonna be?"
"April 24th... well, unless we run out of stuff to sell."
"So, it is just the 'conomy and all?  I mean, like, y'all shutting down cause things are so bad and all?"
"No sir, its a leasing issue with the mall."
"What?  Really?  So, its not business, its... " Cousin Eddie gets cut off by the vomitous daughter and what I'm assuming is a son.  "Y'all stay back, he's cleaning up now, okay?  Y'all get back.  [turns back to me]  So, it's a mall issue?  Man, that's just terrible.  Real terrible."

I see him stick his leg out, and with the end of his foot, point to another smaller, yet still viably potent, area of splatter. Cousin Eddie says, "Don't forget this spot here.  She done threwed up in two places."

And, at this point, it was around 9pm, so it was time to pull the gate.  Mom had already gone to buy daughter another shirt because the one she had now reeked of Chick-fila and stomach acid.   A busy, busy day, and to show for it, we had three tables full of toe'up from the flo'up t-shirts, a ring where vanilla milkshake stood, and a large dark spot, with a small dark spot nearby, where the vomit stood. 

Still, I love my job.  I don't have to keep telling myself that to believe it, I just know it to be true... but, and this is in all honesty... I am getting to the point where I can see the end.  And its a sigh of relief.