Its been a turmoltuous off season for American Idol... Simon the Cowell--Gone. Kara the New Hotness--Gone. America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG--Gone. Paula the Flake--Gone. But we're back, we're blogging, we're here, and 125,000 people had a dream... only one will be fulfilled... will there be fame and fortune, a'la Kelly Clarkson, or Carrie Underwood? Or forgotten, like Lee DeWhatisname, or Whooooooben Studdard or Fantasia what what?
Let's find out, shall we?
THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL
In case you've been under an Idol rock, or just not cared, you should know that new judges are here... and they are Jennifer Lopez, actress, singer, from the block... and Aerosmith's own frontman big lipped and newly botoxed Steven Tyler.
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We also are told that the winner will get signed not by Clive Davis, but by Interscope Records, home of U2 and Dire Straits.
It's New Jersey, but don't hold that against Idol. Ryan Seacrest, dating one Julianne Hough, comes out, and we finally see the judges come out to the new set. Up first, Rachel Zevita, who auditioned in Season 6 (The Lovely Steph Leann: I knew she looked familiar!... really, steph?), and J-Lo also says she remembers her.
She's doing "Hallelujah", and her voice is a little deeper than my tastes run on a chick, but she hits a good high note at the end. J-Lo doesn't think it was great, "but I know you can sing..."
Steven Tyler throws out what seems like his 40th catch phrase of the five minute show so far... "Let her in the door, water that flower and let it grow..." The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He might be the new Paula!" Rachel goes through.
Next is Caleb Hawley, ready to sing... and right out'ta gate, C-Haw brings it, busting out some Ray Charles, sans the blind piano playing lean that haunted Ray, and haunts Stevie Wonder and Ronnie Milsap. Steven Tyler claps along, beats the desk, and C-Haw even recovers from a bad note run... not bad. He gets three Yes votes, and is on his way.
Our first 15 year old comes up... Kenzie Palmer is... well, good. She's great, actually. My guess is with The Beebs making being young a good thing, Idol decided 16 was too old a minimum, and 15 is good for an age. Steven Tyler says he wasn't feeling "that pizazz", and Randy the Dawg agrees, while J-Lo is all about some Kenzie Palmer. She goes through.
Here's a montage of people who get through, one after another... BUT... unto every Idol judge a little Achille must fall. She's from the Ivory Coast, and she barely can speak English, must less sing Madonna. The Lovely Steph Leann grimaces, her fact contorts and she whispers, "...oh Lord... please... stop her, someone..." I think that's a great idea.
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Idol Jersey continues, as the crowd is showing in their horrible outfits, their bad shoes, their terrible hair, and a Snooki-wannabe with a bikini top and stars on her joojoos. She's giving us a lesson in hair and fluff. And not good fluff, like Paula Abdul's fluff. Her goal: To make J-Lo cry.
Tiffany comes in, jacket covering up the peep show, and she herself starts to cry seeing J-Lo at the table... saying that seeing "Selena" made her want to be a singer. And as she begins to sing, she shows the judges what's behind the curtain. She's not that bad, she didn't need the stars to come out... however, the note at the end kinda kills it. Randy asks about the juju stars.
Tiffany then busts out with some Celine (is it sad that I knew that song from the words "...the whispers of the morning..."? The answer is Yes) and she really brings it. I'm glad, too, because J-Lo might have spontaneously combusted in saying No to this chick. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "That had disaster written all over it... how did this happen?"
Honestly... so did Idol Season 10, but so far, its kinda entertaining.
And here comes the Horror Show Montage... they show us one No after another... Randy the Dawg does the random sharp looks to the left, then up, then to the right, then down. My ears are bleeding.
Steven Tyler is pretty good at the No vote, but J-Lo is really hurting... until she gets to Sweet Mama who just burst everyone's eardrums...
Robby Rosen comes up.
The Lovely Steph Leann: Cute kid. Big nose.
Me: Seriously. If our TV was in 3D, that nose would be at the front door
So then, its Sob Story #1... Robby had a childhood condition that inhibited his ability to walk... but he's here, he's healthy and he's going to sing. He's been watching Idol since he was 7... and he's seen every season. He's 16. I'm old. He's singing "Yesterday". He's also toothy... there are about 34 teeth from the right side of his lips to the left.
Oh, he sang really well. He goes to Hollywood.
Much love for J-Lo... some love for Randy the Dawg... but the ladies love lurve luv Steven Tyler... and one Asian chick says in broken English, "I cannot wait to meet Ellen... what? she's gone?"
For all the dorky cuteness Robby Rosen was, this kid now is the opposite--dorky and dorkier. Wow. And I hate that he's an Eagle Scout, cause it makes me look bad for being one. Yes, I'm an Eagle Scout. Not kidding.
Chris Col... Chris Coler... Chris Colie...ee.. eee sucks. He starts singing, "My Way" with "Now... the end is near..." and Randy the Dawg says, "Yes, it is."
The Lovely Steph Leann is wincing. AND SHE PULLS UP THE BLANKET OVER THE FACE!!! WE HAVE OUR FIRST BLANKET FACE OF THE YEAR!!!
The kid actually asks Steven Tyler, "So... it didn't work for you?"
Back from break, its one audition after another... bad... bad... bad... Steven Tyler says no... Randy the Dawg says no... and J-Lo finally starts saying No with more conviction.
And here's the guy that I could have been had I not been so freakin' awesome. Michael Perotto busts out with "Proud Mary", the version from Ike and Tina Turner. Let's say this... if you are this white, don't ever, ever, ever, EVER take on Ike and Tina Turner. Do yourself a favor and at least butcher a reachable version, like Creedence Clearwater Revival... wait, you know, just don't even try that. Let it go.
Perotto is now singing something else, and it really just gets worse. Its bad. Its bad. Its really bad.
Let's cut to a shot of the porta-potty, where Ashley Sullivan comes out, and she's... well, she's painful to look at. Like, she's not ugly... don't get me wrong, she's by no means attractive AT ALL, but she's not fugly... but she's so... awkward... and dorky... and... what's the word... the word... she's... ANNOYING!. That's it. She's annoying.
"Gimme Gimme" from Thoroughly Modern Millie... and fortunately, she's terrible. She's animated, she's loud and her voice is not bad, but she's totally a Broadway chick... though if I see "Ashley Sullivan" on a Playbill, I dunno that I'm seeing that show.
And she's crying. She's bawling because she's begging for Hollywood. Randy the Dawg just says No. Steven Tyler says Yes. J-Lo gives up a Yes... and Annoying Ashley is going to Hollywood.
This is the part where we'd continue the Idol discussion, tell you about the little girl with the big voice named Victoria, who was annoying, but likeable, and we'd tell you about Kosovo Melinda, and Travis Orlando, who's family lived in a shelter and this could be his big break...
...but see, here's what happened... blogger is connected to one email address, but I logged out of that email address to do some work on eBay and on PayPal, because The Lovely Steph Leann and I are going to The Most Magical Place on Earth in a few weeks, and we ordered some Disney pins to trade, and so when I logged out, it logged me out of blogger, but I didn't know it, so I kept typing and bloggin and typing and blogging and such, and then I went to upload some pics and it didn't upload and I thought "wow, this is strange" but then I realized I was in the wrong email address and when I logged into the correct email address it took me back to the part where I logged out to begin with...
...but this is episode 1, so I'm not going to rewatch it all... I'll just tell ya that Idol is in New Orleans, and we'll see ya tomorrow night!
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