Disco Here. Disco There. Dis Idol Go Everywhere. (with RESULTS!)

THE RESULTS...
Just got home from The Happiest Place in the Mall, celebrating Earth Day by collecting a few thousand plastic water bottles for recycling... and now I'm here to recycle the jokes and watch the recycled group song (or fast forward, like you know I will...)

Hopped on Facebook, and thankfully I didn't see any news of who may or may not be kicked off... tonight, we lose two... because

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Seacrest lets me know the theme of the medley that I'll be skipping tonight (disco, natch) and the performance that I'll be skipping (Young Archie) so hopefully, I can miss that dreaded Ford commercial as well. The judges. Randy the Dawg, Simon the Cowell, Paula the Blunderer and Kara the New Hotness, are here, and we now watch Paula the Flake do the choreography for this week's group song.

Paula Abdul.... I used to have the hottest poster of her on my wall. She was part of my early celebrity crush lineage.... Nancy McKeon to Alyssa Milano to Debbie Gibson to Mariah Carey to Paula Abdul. Back in day, like many of today's musical jokes, Paula was awesome diggity. Seriously.

By the way, after the group song, they award Paula with some flowers... she comes onstage to hug them in a dress so short that Seacrest tells her to be careful.

Anyway, her first CD was "Forever Your Girl", but to me, the crown jewel was "Vibeology", an immaculate album of cool dance beats, fun songs and Paula at her premier hotness... and of course, it spawned one of the greatest, most epic, most incredible, most unintentionally hysterical videos in the history of the known world. Forget "The Matrix", or "Speed" or even the Oscar winning "Hardball"... no, Keanu Reeves finest moment...


I've posted this video before, but as my audience grows, I must give more chances for more people to witness this vision of visionary visions. You'll see this again when I finally do my post on my ten favorite music videos of all time...

Seacrest kills some time while the chicks change clothes... the guys do it faster. Always. Alright, Mindy D'A, dim the lights... let's start with... Lil Rounds. Her time has passed, she's gotten too many chances. Alexis Grace should be here right now. She takes a walk to the far side of the stage to the Silver Stools of Failure, though Seacrest doesn't actually say she's in the Bottom Three.

He doesn't have too, actually... he drops the bomb on her like The Gap Band, and just flat out tells her "Get out, chick." And she grabs the mic to kick Chaka Khan in the face again with her "I'm Every Woman".


Here's how the song should be sung... from one of the most underrated movies of all time... "The Bodyguard".

We're back now with Seacrest, welcoming... someone. Who? Frieda Payne? Who? Was Donna Summer really not available? They did 4,288 of her songs last night, putting Donna back in the spotlight, and she seriously couldn't find the time to come to Idol? What else is she doing? Nothing, that's what!!

Ah... here's Thelma Houston. "aaaawwwwww bbbbaaaaayyyyybbbaaaaayyy.... my heart is full and desire for you! So come on now and do what you know you gots to do!" The cut to Paula the Flake, who is standing and dancing, and Simon the Cowell has a big, toothy grin on his face. I think I've decided I want Thelma Houston to play at my birthday party this summer. Oh, come on, you know YOU would totally come to d$'s 34th Annual Birthday Bash in August if Thelma Houston was going to be there! She could just sing this song about 9 times and I'd be alright. The Lovely Steph Leann, can you get on that?

KC, sans Sunshine Band, comes out singing, what else, "Get Down Tonight". Dude looks like a trucker straight off of "To Catch a Predator". In fact, Chris Hansen might be in the second row... maybe its the botox or whatever, but KC is hard pressed to show any emotion whatever. He has this "Joker" type grin going on, and I mean Jack's, not Heath's. He's struggling to get down tonight, too. And where is the Sunshine band? Are they hanging with Donna Summer?

And we're back... alright Cindy Jo, dim the lights. Its time to show some Bottom Three-ness. One of the Silver Stools of Failure has been taken away...

Kris Allen stands up. Last night? Best performance of the night. Maybe the coolest, anyway. America votes... and Kris is safe. The Ambiguously Gay Adam stands up, with very little worry of anything, really. He's kinda got a Gay Chris Isaak coif going on, just much darker. He sits in safety.

The Widower Danny Gokey stands up. How does he actually have exactly the same amount of stubble every week? Does he time this every week? He sits. Naturally.

This now leaves Matty G, Anoop the Eyebrowed One and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... with two Silver Stools of Failure still unseated. Anoop nods knowingly as he is in the Bottom Two. Matty G and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta stand up together...

Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... please please please please....

Seacrest stretches it out as long as possible before finally sending My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta to the Silver Stools of Failure. And extra set of stools have been brought out, one for each of Anoop's eyebrows.

Young David Archuleta does his thing, I skip it entirely, and let's do the final results. KT, dim the lights. Seacrest holds the card... and Anoop Dogg is gone now. And before he sings his final song, he declares jihad on the entire show. Not good times. Its better this way, though... now the terrorists don't win. Well... considering our president... oy!

_______________________

PERFORMANCES....
Just a quick note before we start... Jason Bateman. I did a review on "State of Play" a few days ago, and Mindy D'A reminded me that I didn't mention Jason Bateman... he steals the latter half of this movie, by the way, and I can only attribute the fact that it was late when I blogged about it as the reason I left Bateman out. He is brilliant in this, and you need to know this.

Now...

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

DISCO NIGHT

This is going to be the train wreck of the season, as it usually is. Seriously. I mean, when they are sitting around the table, and the producers are trying to come up with the themes, you reckon someone says, "Okay, we got country week... we got birth-year week... we got movie night... all the weeks are taken but one... what do we fill that one with?"

"What about Billy Joel Week? The songs of Billy Joel?"
"No, that's too old."
"What about... maybe Past Idol Tunes week? Songs from Kelly and Ruben and Taylor and Carrie and such."
"Nope, that's not good either"
And some drunk guy in the back stands up and says, "I think we should do disco week. Again!"
"PERFECT! Cause Barry Gibb was amazing last year!"

Here's what he sang... "Theres a. Light. Some kind. Of light..." It was horrendous--so bad, that to this day, I still make fun of it.

But as it is, this is Disco Week. If Lil Rounds doesn't blow this out the water, then there IS NO HOPE for her. Without a video (they probably only have one for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Goke), they let her go straight into Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman."

And I notice that in the hotpants she's wearing, she's got back for days. Literally, I could take this Chipotle Mexican Grill cup of ice cold Co-cola and set it on the top of that thing. She's close the judges, but her bum is straight back, rubbing the video screen.

Randy the Dawg says, "You got the party started... but..." and its not good. He says that she didnt show what kind of artist she could be, and seriously, by now, there isn't any chance she will. Kara the New Hotness says, "We've been waiting for you to sing Chaka or someone and show us what you can do... and really, I don't think its worth the wait. You literally have been every woman up there this year." Paula the Flake goes through butterflies and puppy dog tails. Simon the Cowell says it was copycat and messy.

Kris Allen is holding a guitar for Disco Week. Is there really any guitar music ever actually in any disco song you know? And he picked out "She's Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer, and as he says, its a song about a woman who has a great work ethic. Yep, she works hard. For her money.

I look over at The Lovely Steph Leann, smiling and simply say, "I dig this guy." She chirps, "I LOVE KRIS ALLEN!!" Dude, this is awesome. He's got the band on the stage, pounding the bongos, playing guitar and really... and this is the first time I've said this so far this season... I might consider buying a Kris Allen CD. And for the first time this year, a performance that I might actually consider in the Top 100 Coolest Things of 2009, along with Chipotle, lunch with Stan McDuffie and Mindy D'A herself...

Kara the New Hotness sings his praises. Paula... oh, Paula Paula Paula. I cannot even describe what I just heard. "Some women shop in the men's department, but few men shop in the women's department", leading to all sorts of Kris Allen Buys Chick Undies jokes... Simon the Cowell says it was completely opposite of Lil Rounds, and that it was fantastic. Randy the Dawg says it was awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann begins a real rant... "I mean, come on, I know it was mess up Idol's perfect little word to have Kris Allen in the top two and not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert or The Widower Danny Gokey, but REALLY!!! HE'S AWESOME!!! WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO??!!"

So let's now give it to The Goke himself, The Widower Danny Gokey... he's doing "September" by Earth Wind & Fire. This is a hard song for a white boy to pull off, really. I'll be honest, I make fun of (with?) the guy, but he can sing. He's got a great voice. But he's done very little to impress me so far.

This used to be my ringtone on my first cell phone I ever got. I remember using it as a wake up alarm on missions in New York City in 2005.

Randy the Dawg said he wasn't sure about the song choice originally, but he really like the version that The Gokinator made happen. Kara the New Hotness--and really, she is pretty hot, and I think she gets finer as the season goes on--loved it. She loved the pitch. Paula the Blitherer blitherers. She says he's got a sexy voice. Cindy Jo agrees. Simon the Cowell likes The Widower Danny Gokey, but didn't like the song.



My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta must defend her My Next American Idol crown against challenger Kris Allen tonight. She's doing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, and chick is laying on the stairs, slinking up across the stage and if she were a) older than 16 and b) prettier, then she'd be pretty hot right about now. But as she's neither, I can say she looks pretty cool.

I love me some Jailbait Ally... but I didn't like the song all that much. Randy the Dawg thought the arrangement was overindulgent, but says she's one of the best singers in the competition. I think we've heard "And you're only 16!!" or some variation of that has been said about 53,000 times this year. Kara the New Hotness agrees with Randy the Dawg. Paula the Blubberer blubberers. Simon the Cowell says it was a brilliant performance.

And now its time for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. He's doing... or will destroy... "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman, one of my favorite disco songs from that era. Seriously, I love that song.

And he turns it into a ballad. I think he's actually a pretty smart guy... he'll do a rape of a certain classic, like last week, then come back the next week and play it safe, sing it pleasantly cool, and wait for the judges to heap praises onto him. And right at the end, he throws in his "WHHHAAAAAAAAYAYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH" scream. Its a patented move now. Yes, yes, the song was good. But its The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Randy the Dawg says it was awesome. Kara the New Hotness says this was the most memorable performance, and I completely disagree. Kris Allen has stolen this show. Paula the Blabberer blabberers, while Simon the Cowell laughs at her. Simon the Cowell was surprised is that it wasn't Donna Summer, but loved it and the immaculate vocals.

Personally, I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have done... "YMCA"? "Macho Man"? "In the Navy"? Ha! I tell The Lovely Steph Leann this joke, and she rolls her eyes.

My favorite disco songs ever... in no particular order...

• "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, though I can't truly rule this straight disco, and if ABBA is disco, then I can't say that "Dancing Queen" is my favorite ABBA song, because its a toss up between "Mamma Mia" and "S.O.S.".
• "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman. The real version, not the one The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just took an Ambiguously Gay dump on.
• "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Its quick, its fun, its sing alongable.
• "When Will I See You" by The Three Degrees. Soft. Tender. Sensative. Like me.
• "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston. You'd know this if you heard it... it starts out slower, then kicks in "ooooohhhhhh baby! my heart is full o'love and desire for you!"
• "The Rubberband Man" by The Spinners. I don't have a single clue what this song is about, nor do I care. Its just cool, cool funk.
• "We Want the Funk" by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. Can you get a much cooler name than Parliament Funkadelic. I think not.

And yes, I'm thrilled by the fact that this album is called "Kung Fu Fighting and Other Love Songs". The unintentional comedy scale just broke.

• "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. Seriously, how does a black man in the 70s come up with the idea of writing a song--a racist song at that, with Chinamen and Lil Sammy Chong--about kung fu movies and such? I am sure wacky terbacky was involved. (more on this at the bottom of the blog...)
• "Best of My Love" by The Emotions. "Whoa oh, you get the best of my love, whoa oh... you get the best of my love!" Possibly my favorite disco classic.

I ask The Lovely Steph Leann her favorite disco songs, and she shrugs. "I like that Yvonne song I guess... I dunno... 'I Will Survive'... maybe? I don't even know what there is..."

Thats true with Disco. I had to pull up iTunes and actually look at my Disco genre.

Back to the show, where Seacrest alludes to Matty G doing "Stayin' Alive". Could this be true?

Without hearing the version, I call it--Lil Rounds and Matty G go home. If you are The Widower Danny Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, you can do "Stayin' Alive" and get away with it. If you are fighting for your life, you don't do "Stayin' Alive". You find something you can absolutely nail. Something you can blow out. This song? No.

He comes out, puts a little rock/soul spin on it, and it sounds pretty good. Heck, if you are doing to do something risky and crazy, go "Atomic Dog". Who wouldn't have wanted to hear Matty G go "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay"?

Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, but still says that Matty G can really sing. Kara the New Hotness says she was glad that Matty G brought disco back to the night. Paula the Wanderer wanderers, making a bowling metaphor of some sort. Right up her alley. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.

Anoop the Eyebrowed One closes out the show, and I wonder what ballad he's going to do. And I say this right before the guitar starts with the ballad music. Its a song called "Dim the Lights", and hey... the song picks up. Its one I'm not familiar with, but its by, again, Donna Summer.

When I made my prediction about who's going home, I literally forgot that Anoop the Eyebrowed One was even in this show... Randy the Dawg liked it. Kara the New Hotness liked it. Paula the Wisdomer dispenses wisdom. Er. Simon the Cowell disagrees with everyone, not liking the song at all, and thought it was the worst Eyebrowed performance by a mile.

So here's how it goes down...
Kris Allen. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta. Matty G. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. The Widower Danny Gokey. The Eyebrowed Anoop Doggy Dogg. Lil Rounds.

As they are showing the clips again, and reminding you of the numbers, The Lovely Steph Leann goes on another mini-rant about Kris Allen, and how he's getting no love from the judges, and she doesn't know what he can do to make them say "you can win this thing!"

And for me, Disco Week wasn't all that bad this year. Results tomorrow night!

So after the show was over, I was still curious about Carl Douglas writing and performing "Kung Fu Fighting". I mean, really. This is like me sitting down and writing a ballad about political espionage, cause I liked those kind of films. I ventured over to Carl's Wiki page, and here is what he lists as his three factors for writing this song...

1. He liked Kung Fu movies, and had seen them recently. Granted.
2. Went to a jazz concert featuring Oscar Peterson, a legendary jazz pianist, and was inspired by some of his music
and finally...
3. Was suffering from the side effects of pain killers.


Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner. Option #3. Yep, I noticed its not even in sync. Just like a great kung fu movie. Everyone now... "Wha ho ho hoooooooo.... Wha ho ho hooooo..... Wha ho ho hoooooo.... Wha ho ho hoooooo...."