One plucks his guitar. One plucks his eyebrows. One sounds like David Cook, Jack Johnson, maybe a rock Kanya. One has crushes on David Cook, Jack Johnson and maybe Kanye. One is beloved by The Lovely Steph Leann. One is beloved by everyone with a rainbow sticker on the back of their car. One is the guy next door. One is dating the guy next door.
One is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen.
One is The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
Both are performing tonight... why? Well, because...
THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL
Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Green and Simon the Cowell are all ready to heap lavish praise, adoration and love for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and ready to resist any urge to possibly compliment The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, no matter how good he does.
Each guy has three songs to sing. The first is a rehash of a favorite performance from this year, one is a song chosen by Simon Fuller, the show's creator, and one is a song co-written by Kara the New Hotness.
And The Lovely Steph Leann's heart is all a twitter from "Glee", a show about high school show choir, a show that The Lovely Steph Leann has been gushing about for weeks.
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's parents look normal... heck, his mom even kinda looks cute. And we have this guy now. He's doing his version of "Mad World", one he got raves on weeks ago during "Music During Your Birth Year" Week. I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have been in Tears for Fears. He would have fit. Or perhaps The Pet Shop Boys.
When I was in high school, I had a friend named Victor who's favorite band was R.E.M. Another guy, Joey, used to tease him and tell him R.E.M. stood for Rear End Men. Don't know why I thought about that while watching The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Hmm.
Randy the Dawg gushes. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. The camera cuts to the fallen Idols, including AnoopDogg, Matty G and The Gokanator. Simon the Cowell gushes, though said he thought it was a little over theatrical. Really, Simon? When has this guy not been?
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's parents look normal, discussing when he would give them "music coupons" for him to sing. It sucks that they pick their best of the season, as he did "Heartless" last week, a song in which, for the first time ever during Idol, I went and downloaded the performance from iTunes.
He's doing "Ain't No Sunshine", from Bill Withers, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see The Lovely Steph Leann nodding her head. The Lovely Steph Leann loves her some The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She claps when its over. There are 25 "I know"s in this song, though he only sings 16 of them.
Randy the Dawg laughs uncomfortably, which makes me and The Lovely Steph Leann both go "uh-oh". However, he loved it. Kara the New Hotness gushes, surprisingly. Paula the Green gushes incoherently. Simon the Cowell admits that last week he wasn't sure if American made the right choice, picking him over Dead Wife... "but after that performance, I take all that back now."
Alright its Round Two...
The shows producers have picked Sam Cooke's "A Change is Going To Come" for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Funny how he's dressing normal, toning down the freak-o-the-week style, almost leaning conservative to be the middle of the road. So he'll get more votes.
That's right... this is quite possibly your next American Idol. Live it. Love it.
And here's our first screech of the night, followed by a mini-screech, then another mini-screech, and here's the big finish. And boom... there it is. Four screeches in one song... that's a huge mark to beat.
Randy the Dawg feels liberated from the white man. Kara the New Hotness feels white guilt. Paula the Green stands up and pays reparations. Simon the Cowell feels no guilt, as he's British.
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen sits onstage, guitar in hand, singing Simon Fuller's choice for him, "What's Going On", made famous by... Marvin Gaye?
I note that, "...he is singing his ever lovin' heart out". Without looking away from the screen, The Lovely Steph Leann just replies, "Mmmhmm."
Randy the Dawg thought it was a bit light for the room and the competition. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. Simon the Cowell didn't care for it, wondering why he didn't make it his own version. Simon, really? Have you ever heard Marvin Gaye's version? Seriously...?
So, the crappy song that always comes out of Idol is called "No Boundaries", though the subtitle is "(for a moment like this) Flying Without Heavenly Wings... Now". And like all the rest, its pretty crappy. Its always inspirational, its always a bomb on the radio (because no one wants to hear it) and its always much maligned by everyone I know.
Oh, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just sang it. Randy the Dawg actually said it was pitchy. Kara the New Hotness gushes about him singing a song that she co-wrote. Paula the Green says, "Adjectives cannot express what you've brought to this show..." then follows it up with, "...whats an adjective?" Simon the Cowell laughs about the song, saying, "Its the mountains and the hurricanes again..." (he pronounces it "hurri-kins")
And finally... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen takes on "No Boundaries". Can you imagine he and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert discussing this song backstage... "Dude, [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam... this song sucks. Seriously." "No kidding [The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol] Kris. No kidding. I'm going to have to majorly suck up to Kara the New Hotness."
And unfortunately, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... doesn't do that song all that well. Actually, it wasn't good. Randy the Dawg thought it was pretty good. Kara the New Hotness doesn't want The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen to be judged over the whole season, not just that song. Paula the Green, who, by the way is wearing this shocking lime green blouse that can be seen from space, blubbers. Simon the Cowell doesn't judge the song, just tells him that he should be very proud.
Honestly? I think The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen should be happier in 2nd than 1st. Less restrictions. By this time, he, The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Dead Wife and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta are going to have the careers that they'll have anyway. Only The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will have a guaranteed record deal.
The Lovely Steph Leann is texting her votes to Idol for her next American Idol. That's Kris Allen, by the way.
"Ain't No Sunshine"... "What's Going On"... "A Change is Gonna Come"... "Mad World"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries". The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "No Boundaries".
By the way, they are showing a Idol Season montage filled with all the contestants that did and didn't make it, and singing Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" is none other than Carrie Underwood, who has continually gotten hotter and hotter as the years have gone by. No joke.
To counter-act the possibilities of tossing my lunch due to the first picture...
I pride myself for having a pretty rock solid immune system. My friend Allyson in Troy called me "Immuno Boy" for years. Seriously... I very, very seldom get sick. Now, like most people, I do have headaches from time to time, but the times that I'm prevented from at least getting done what I need to get done at an acceptable level are slim to never. I get a headache, I'll work through it, or if I can, I'll just go to bed early. Wake up later, viola! I'm good. Sometimes I will just throw up. Puke my guts out. Then I'm all better. Anyone else have this phenomenon happen to them?
Anyway, the times I'm forced to go to the doctor are seriously few and far between... in 8th grade, I ran too hard into a wall, also known as Daniel Stephenson, when trying to rush the passer in P.E... he stood tall, I bounced and hit the ground hard, broke my right arm (which is kinda good, because it taught me how to write legibly with my left hand, a talent I still possess). He stood me up, told me I was alright, meanwhile I'm crying cause my arm in bent in an unnatural position.
In 1996, I fell asleep and hit the broadside of a telephone pole with my 1990 Buick Century. Then my face hit the broadside of the steering wheel. Take your index finger and place it right in that little soft spot where your upper lip meets the mid nostril dividing section of your nose. That's exactly where I struck the top part of the steering wheel. Later, when I saw the car in the junkyard, I marveled at how cool the blood spatter looked across the windshield. Two stitches in the left nostril--IN, not around--two in the middle and two in the right.
In 2003, I had a terrible cold and a bad sore throat. Worked my day job at the radio station, then went to Starbucks feeling miserable. Finally called in the next day and visited a doc-in-the-box, found out I had strep throat.
In 2005, I had to go to the doctor for a full physical, having not had one in... 17 years? I had to have one when I was 13 to go to Camp Ala-Flo, the Boy Scout camp, but not since. But I was headed to a NYC mission trip, so off to the doctor I went. It was my first ever "drop trou" check up. Let's talk uncomfortable. I know the doctor.
In 2007, my right arm was feeling pretty miserable, stinging pain, hurt to twist it sometimes, so on and so forth. Took a check up, found out it was tendinitis. Had to wear a brace for three weeks, which majorly got in the way when I was pulling shots for lattes, and got pretty sticky when I was pumping syrup. More than once the end of the pump got caught between my brace and my wrist, and I had vanilla syrup pumped down my arm.
That list seems like alot, really... but when you consider in my entire life, that's the only medical maladies I can even recall, I think that's pretty good... especially considering I don't take all the precautions that society tells us we should take..
Or maybe, that's pretty good BECAUSE I don't take all the precautions that society tells us we should take. I, for one, love being barefoot and spent much of my childhood doing so. When I was a kid, I ate dirt. I've eaten a Milkbone dog biscuit. Snot, poop, blood and other fluidy type things don't bother me. I've worked with middle schoolers for almost 10 years, and we can all attest to the hygiene proficiency of your typical 7th grade boy.
Point is, I have a pretty good immune system built up over the years... The Lovely Steph Leann swears up and down that our daughter Lorelei and our son Camp will not go barefoot in our yard, and I'm pretty adamant that they probably will. The Lovely Steph Leann swears up and down that children won't get dirty, play in the mud or the rain or the creek or whatever, and I am pretty adamant that not only will they, I'll probably be there with them. Of course, if Lorelei takes after her mom, she'll be such a princess girly girl that the thought of "outside" might make her run in terror, but this is what builds your immune system. When we were in The Happiest Place on Earth in February, the same stomach virus that took my wife out of commission for 48 hours got me for about, I dunno, 8.
And I do not, let me repeat, DO NOT ever, ever, ever, ever use hand sanitizer unless its a real, real emergency. That gel stuff that dissolves on your hands, like washing your hands, but you know, without water. I think the fact this stuff can be found in every household, every kitchen and every desk of anyone who has a slight fear of a single germ is the reason that Swine Flu Mania has gripped our country. Every one's immune system is shot. Heck, The Lovely Steph Leann is sniffly and wheezy at least three times per year.
Another aside... I've been biting my nails since I was like, five. I tried to fight it, I tried to stop it, I used that fingernail stuff that tastes terrible, but that stopped when--and I vividly remember this--I had a hair in my mouth one day. A random hair in your mouth is maddening, as its so thin and hard to find, but almost impossible to swallow or spit out, so what do you to? You go after it. And I did. After a few minutes of tasting this terrible, awful, disgusting anti-nail biting crap on my fingers, I did away with the hair. And the terrible, awful, disgusting anti-nail biting crap.
Sometimes, I bite my nails too far down. Every now and then, it will pull a little at the edge of my fingertips, and draw a little blood. It happens. I shrug it off, knowing this is what I signed up for when I decided to stop trying to stop biting my fingernails. Even less every now and then, it will come too close to the edge of the fingernail. It will be sore for a day, then develop a little "pus pocket" of which I'll stick with a pin, a nail, my teeth, a box cutter, a pencil tip or anything else sharp I have handy--it'll ooze out green and be fine. Like I said, immune system rocks.
SIDEBAR: "PUS" is like the words "Arraignment" and "Chafe". There is not a good use of this word, and when its used in the sentence, I'm not sure its ever in a positive light.
Now, to the actual story that I'm telling, after all the back story...
Imagine my surprise when last Thursday, my index finger on my right hand was a little swollen. I don't necessarily remember biting this nail anytime recently, but it could have happened. On Friday, it was even more swollen, looking kind of icky. I pushed it a little, poked it a little, expecting to see the green ooze of pus coming out, and it didn't. Saturday, it was still icky. And bigger.
Sunday night, The Lovely Steph Leann and I are enjoying salads at Jason's Deli, and she stops me from eating. "What is wrong with your finger?" I looked down, realizing it was still swollen and pretty sore, and I just casually mentioned that I might have bitten it down too far days ago, and that it would go away. Then she pulled out the words that husbands just don't want to hear... "Honey, you need to go to the doctor."
"Really," I replied. "It'll go away." "How long has it been like that?" "I dunno, a few days." "And it hasn't healed? You need to go to the doctor tomorrow. That's infected. You don't want that infection to get into your bloodstream." And the rest of the night was filled with me making Swine Flu, Lyme Disease, finger & arm amputation jokes, and her smacking me and telling me that that isn't funny. (it is).
I go into The Happiest Place in the Mall on Monday, tell my Magical Manager whats going on (she knew about the swollen finger, having commented on it already) and that I had an appointment later that morning. Turns out that, yes, it was infected.
Doc put a cold freeze on it, which hurt, but didn't hurt nearly as bad as when he used a needle to go straight into the swollen area, right where the nail meets the skin, to lance it and bleed it out. And bleed is what it did. Like an almost empty tube of toothpaste, he ran his fingers up my index finger, squeezing out what would come out. I felt my finger giving birth. I have this uber-powerful ointment I put on it several times per day, a prescription ointment stronger than Neosporin. (MZ has already told me she wants it for her children when I'm done)
Oh, but there's more... my medical dysfunctions continue...
So, the next day I have an eye appointment. My contacts have really, really been bothering me for a month now. I just got this new brand, AcuvueOasys, which is supposed to be revolutionary in comfort and vision and such. Whatever, I just wanted contacts.
A few days after I put them in, I noticed that even though my left eye was fine, my right eye was blurry. On the fourth day of having them in, they started irritating the heck out of me, and I had to yank out the right contact. Take out the right, gotta take out the left, to start with a fresh pair. Its like how they recommend getting all four tires at the same time.
Wore my glasses a few days, then went back to the contacts, a fresh pair. I checked my contacts to make sure the right one was going in right eye, left one to left eye, and sure enough, Right is -3.75, left is -3.25, so that was correct. Looked carefully to make sure they weren't inside out, and they weren't. Still, same situation... two days of good vision, then on Day Three, blurriness, and on Day Four, irritation and removal. Called the eye doctor, who didn't call me back. Went in there, and they told me it might just be a bad box. They gave me two new sets, told me to try them out.
Two days of good vision. Day Three, blurry. Day Four, had to pull them out... only this time, the left eye was joining in the festivities of wrecking d$'s vision. Finally, I made another appointment. I tried putting my contacts in again once more, and the same situation happened. All in all, I went through six pairs of contacts in a three & half week span. Not normal.
Now, I'm not adverse to wearing glasses, I don't mind it... for a while. However, I like being able to run or play tennis, and glasses hinder that, and if I go swimming, I can't see out of the pool, and you can't see anything when you wake up, and in the summer, I like my sunglasses, which my glasses get in the way of that too... but on Tuesday, I strode in, wearing my glasses, for my eye appointment, about 6 weeks after my last appointment.
Doctor came in, did the exam and lifted my eyelid. Its never a good thing when your doctor sighs, says, "This isn't good", and then grabs a picture to show you whats wrong.
"You have silicone deposits in your eyelids"
What?
"Johnson & Johnson, makers of AcuvueOasys, and even Bausch & Lomb's brands have started putting silicone in their contacts. They won't admit it, but we all know this is whats happening. People are developing allergies to the silicone, and after a day or so, the contact becomes unwearable and irritating to the eyes, and its dangerous after a long period of time." She pulls out a picture, points to the normal looking eye lid and says, "See, this is what a normal looking eyelid looks like." Then she points to the one on the other side of the row, one that looks all red and weird and gross, and says, "This is what an eyelid that has a silicone allergy looks like."
Remember those pictures they showed you in 8th grade of a lung that had been in a smoker's body, or a someone's mouth that used dip, and the smoker or dipper in the classroom felt all awkward and weird? I felt like that smoker dipper just then. Especially when I asked, "Does mine look like this?" and she smiled weakly and said, "No, yours is off the charts. We've got to get that silicone out of your eyes."
So, now, not only do I have an allergy to silicone, which means I can NEVER have breast implants, I also cannot wear contacts for at least two weeks. I have another appointment in a few weeks, where she'll check my eyes to see if its gone, and if its not, then I have to go another few weeks without wearing contacts. When its all gone, though, they'll replace all of my contacts with a different kind, which is good.
I have two bottles of eye drops, one I used twice per day, the other four times per day... the latter is weird, as when I drop it in my eye, everything is foggy and gray. Almost like putting milk in your eye. And when it drips out of my eye, it looks like the android from Alien.
On top of that, I have these sulfur based antibiotic pills I'm taking for my finger infection, in addition to putting ointment on my hand three times per day. I am like that old guy who has to "go take his pills". Wait... I AM that old guy who has to "go take his pills".
So, Idol opens up with Ben Stiller, Jonah Hill, Bill Heder and Hank Azaria doing their own plug for "Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian", introducing Idol and Seacrest and such... The Lovely Steph Leann giggles for a second, then dryly says, "Yeah, that was kinda stupid..."
Anyway...
THIS
IS AMERICAN IDOL
We are actually watching it live this time around, and not on DVR. Which means that we cannot fast forward through the Ford Commercial or the group song. They introduce the remaining Idols, The Widower Danny Gokey, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen--when his name is called, The Lovely Steph Leann cheers. He might actually be on the B-Team of The Colin Firth Club.
Alicia Keys comes up to promote a charity group, then introduces a Rwandan singer kid. Not to be mean, but this is the kinda stuff I would want to fast forward through.
I'm not sure, but I think the kid just said "Paul is dead" in Rwandese.
After the break, we journey to the hometowns, which makes sense, because last night they barely showed a clip of the hometown journey, when they usually show a full video montage of each one. I'm wondering if The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's takes place in the Blue Oyster Bar. Wookiee, that one is for you.
Now, KT, dim the lights. Let's look at who might be going on next week. The Widower Danny Gokey comes out, per Seacrest's instructions, and I'm wondering if perhaps he goes home. Think about it... The Goke has been floating by on much of his music and reputation, while The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is peaking at just the right time... hmm...
Dead Wife stands nervously, awaiting Seacrest to read the results. And without a word of results, Seacrest sends Dead Wife to the couch. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen comes out (The Lovely Steph Leann shouts "Yeah! Yeah! Awesome!!"--she is more excited about this guy than she ever has been about me.. ha!)
Gotta say, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's video is pretty cool, mostly because the background song is Tears for Fears immortal "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." My favorite by them is "Head Over Heels", but the other is great, especially used in "Real Genius", a somewhat forgotten gem of an 80s movie starring Val Kilmer (also starring a very young Uncle Rico from "Napoleon Dynamite"). Hysterical flick.
Seacrest sends him to the Couch of Anxiety with The Goke.
And in another part that I'd like to fast forward through, Jordin Sparks comes out to sing her new song, "Battlefield". The Lovely Steph Leann is laying on the couch, watching and listening to Jordin sing. I am surfing the net, reading random trivia on IMDB. We sit in silence as Jordin sings, "Battlefield! Battlefield! Battlefield!"
Breaking the silence, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up with this... "What? Do you like this song? [I say no, and that I've mostly tuned it out]. I mean... this is the stupidest song ever. [mocking Jordin] Battlefield! Battlefield! What is that line? 'Better go get your armor'? That's ridiculous. How... in... the... world... did she beat Melinda Doolittle to win Idol? Seriously."
And finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Randy the Dawg runs onstage, licks his boots. Kara the New Hotness comes out and kisses his bum. Paula the Flake says, "I can make you straight." Simon the Cowell bends down and screams "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!". He's right, though. Really, who is?
By the way, do you notice that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's video is a wee bit longer than Dead Wife or The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen? Anyway, Seacrest sends him over to sit with the other guys.
First, though, before the results, Katy Perry comes out to sing for us. She is known for her song "I Kissed a Girl", which I'm not sure that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert has ever experience. Anyway, Katy Perry's new song is called "Waking Up in Vegas." Her cape has Adam Lambert's name on it, which makes me think that its right out of his closet.
As Katy Perry sings, The Lovely Steph Leann says: "Maybe we're just old that we don't get into the kids music nowadays. I mean, is this what kids like? I like Daughtry, is he still popular? This song is stupid. That Lady GaGa song was stupid. That Flo-Rida song was stupid." What impresses me most about this mini-rant is that she pronounced "Flo Rida" correctly.
And finally... let's kick someone off. Who is the first of two to head to next week's finale? The Lovely Steph Leann screams loudly as The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is announced. The judges clap, Simon the Cowell included, though he sits there wide-eyed with a "this is supposed to be a Goke-Gay final... is this happening?"
And I called it. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert takes on The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen for the title.
That wailing sound you hear is Emmy Turnbow, April Adams, Cindy Jo, Stacy Mintz and 14 million other 30something Mamas crying in unison, as Robert Downey Jr Junior says goodbye.
Just a note... I work next Wednesday night, which means my Idol recap will be late. But I'll recap the show just the same, just later. ___________________________________________
THE PERFORMANCES...
Its been weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks of updates and songs and votes and Seacrest and Randy the Dawg and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and Dead Wife and Kara and her New Hotness and Mindy D'A hating on Kara's New Hotness and Paula blubbering and blithering and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and late nights blogging because I had to work and lights and dim the lights and The Couch of Safety and the Silver Stools of Failure and finally... this is the 300th episode... no, not of this season, but over all...
THIS IS AMERICAN IIIIIIIDDDDDOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!
Two songs per Idol tonight, one chosen by the judges, the other a personal selection.
Also, this late in the season, its a "go home" kind of show. The crews followed the three Idols back to their home, and The Widower Danny Gokey is home at Milwaukee. He gets a text message from Paula the Meanderer that her choice for him to sing is "Dance Little Sister" from Terence Trent D'Arby, who had a huge hit back in the late 80s with "Wishing Well"... "
Let me get my Randy Jackson on when I say this song... nay, this JOINT IS DOPE! Yeah yeah!
Dead Wife is actually bringing it, his husky voice doing the song alright now. Randy the Dawg says, "Let the games begin! Dude, that was dope!" Kara the New Hotness loved the song, but not the gyrating dancing, Paula the Abdul drools on herself and Simon the Cowell didn't like the dancing, but thought the vocals were great.
Seacrest makes a gay joke towards Simon. The Ambiguously Gay Adam feels repressed.
Let's head to Ark-Kansas to see what Kara the New Hotness and Randy the Dawg has selected for The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen "Apologize" by OneRepublic. KT is loving this, wherever she is, because she LOVES this song. She walks around singing it randomly. I'm sure she's beboppin' wherever she is right now.
By the way, a big Clouds Yippee to KT, because to those who don't know, she's expecting a little KT in a few months.
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is behind the piano, doing his thing, his voice cracking a few times. Randy the Dawg says he loved it, and that it showed who he could be in the future. Kara the New Hotness wanted a home run, but only got a base hit. Paula discusses butterflies... she is saving rainbows for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Simon the Cowell challenges Kara the New Hotness for selecting the song, and then criticizing him for not being more original on the song.
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets a text from Simon the Cowell to sing "One" by U2. Simon the Cowell said he had to call Bono to get permission to have The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sing it... for me, its not going to help The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's cause that "One" is one of my least favorite U2 songs. I know, I know, its moving and powerful and means all this and that and so on and so on. Shut up. I don't like the song. Especially from this guy...
...and his screeching...
I can imagine The Edge calling Bono right now, saying, "What the (#&@ dude? You let The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert screech during our most beloved song???"
Randy the Dawg said the vocals were good, not great. Kara the New Hotness loved it. Paula the Flake talks about rainbows and Brokeback Mountain. Simon the Cowell heralds the song choice.
Seacrest introduces a video of Carrie Underwood going to Angola as part of the Idol Gives Back program, to show where the donated money goes to. I'm sure I would get a lot of the "I'm so blessed, they are so poor" stuff in my head if I watched this, but its late. And I'm tired. So fast forward. And that's difficult, cause Carrie Underwood is hot.
Now, The Goke has selected for his next song, "You Are So Beautiful" by Joe Cocker. The Goke Bandwagon is rolling along, and sitting shotgun is The Godly Mamas, headed by Emmy Turnbow, the 13th Disciple's Wife Stacy and Cindy Jo. I think Emmy Turnbow might be crying right now.
I think I was bored.
Randy the Dawg loved it. Kara the New Hotness calls it stunning. Paula stops hiding, just tossing her hotel room keys onto the stage, saying, "Seriously. Its been a few months. She's gone. I'm here." Simon the Cowell didn't like the arrangement, but calls the performance a "vocal masterclass".
I think I was bored.
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is singing Kanye West's "Heartless". This should be a hoot...
Now THIS... rocks. Strumming with the guitar, it reminds me of a John Mayer cover of a hip hop song... or when Derrick Harris covered "Baby One More Time" on guitar at A Very Deuce Christmas Party in 2000... I think Factor 7 performed too, but don't remember, but seriously... this is awesome.
Randy the Dawg actually liked it better than the original. Kara the New Hotness thought it was fearless, brave and bold. Paula the Flake is tossing her room key to him. "If you can beat The Goke there, so be it." Simon the Cowell said he has written him out, but "Heartless" changes everything.
And this will do what few songs will do... make me go to iTunes and download the song. And I might, tomorrow, do what I've NEVER done in all these years of Idol blogging... go and download the performance version. I didn't do that with Ruben, nor McPheever, nor Pickles (I love Pickles!) nor Carrie nor anyone else. But I just might with this one.
And now to spoil my good mood, here's The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert to do Aerosmith's "Cryin'". First "One" and now "Cryin'"... can we ruin any more of my high school memory songs tonight? With a screech, maybe? He looks like he's going to eat that microphone (and there's the screech, during the words "making love", which in itself is disturbing).
And double screech! Two in the same song! Three! Will he go for four? I mean, I would say this guy sucks, but there are too many jokes there. Seriously.
Randy the Dawg liked it better than "One". Kara the New Hotness loves the notes. Paula the Flake says, "If Steven Tyler was a mentor..." and I'll finish it by saying, "I hope he'd kick you in the jimmy for killing his song." Simon the Cowell pleads to the audience to vote for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
My choices for the night... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "Heartless"... The Widower Danny Gokey's "Dance Little Sister"... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "Apologize"... The Widower Danny Gokey's "You Are So Beautiful"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "One"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "Cryin'"
It's really late, and I'm kinda tired after pushing the magic all day long at The Happiest Place in the Mall. But... we have a house guest coming on Monday, and The Lovely Steph Leann is in full-clean mode, meaning I'll have lots to do tomorrow night when I get home from work. So, I figured it would be as good a night as any to discuss the recent flicks I've seen... starting with...
Essentially we see a young James Howlett and a young Victor Creed, half brothers in the film (though in the comics they are unrelated), growing up together. James, who would eventually be Wolverine, and Victor, who would eventually become Sabretooth, grow up together, fighting in both World Wars and Vietnam, before eventually being roped into a special team of ops with other mutants to do some dirty work for the military. While Victor loves the violence and the chance to bear his claws, James, who takes on the name "Logan", has enough and walks out. So it comes to pass that... well, they end up fighting. There's a chick involved, the leader of the special ops force--General Stryker--is a bad guy, and there is lots and lots of cool comic book action.
This is one of the coolest movie posters of the summer, with (L-R) Deadpool, Gambit, Wolverine, Sabretooth & Kayla Silverfox. I will now go and adjust my pocket protector, watch C-SPAN and do long division for fun.
The Colin Firth Club Member in good standing, Hugh Jackman, reprises his X-movie role of Wolverine, and does a great job at it. I even think of Hugh when I read the comics now... a great part, though, is Liev Schreiber playing Victor Creed, aka Sabretooth, though I don't remember him actually being called Sabretooth in the movie. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed Ryan Reynolds as the mutant Deadpool, and of course, Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) was awesome. I had heard that Gambit was supposed to be in the 2nd X-Men film, but for budgetary reasons was left out.
You'll also see a young Scott Summers (Cyclops) and a cool appearance by Emma Frost, who was rumored to be played by Sigourney Weaver, had Bryan Singer remained to direct the last film.
If you aren't a comic person, or didn't like any of the aforementioned X-Films, then "Wolverine" is not your bag, baby... it truly does take a hold of the X-Lore and try to play it out onscreen.
"GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST" Now, I like a fun chick flick as much as the next guy... well, I guess it depends on the guy, but seriously, in the top twenty of The Dave100, there are no less than five chick flicks there. I try to always mention that when I talk about a chick flick, as you might think that I would be biased against it just cause I am a guy...
Sandra and Connor spar over the fallen, broken wedding cake
...that being said, I kinda liked this film. I mean, its not going to end up on the 100 Coolest of 2009, I'm sure, but its one that if it came on cable, I may or may not stop to watch. The premise is this... Connor Mead (played by Wooderson) is this guy who loves women, loves being with women and loved breaking up with women when he's done. As predicted, there is one girl who has always had his heart, and that would be Jennifer Perotti (played by Jennifer Garner)..
...by the way, I cannot figure out if I like Jennifer Garner or not. I mean, I liked "13 Going On 30" well enough, and though I thought "Elektra" was terrible, she at least was a shining point in a dismal film... but as for how she looks, she's either incredibly hot or incredibly unattractive. Its the McGriddle Effect. I'm either really attracted to her, or I'm really, really not. I don't think there's an in between. Where was I?
Well, Connor Mead shows up for his brother's wedding weekend (Breckin Meyer, who is the lead singer for the band LoveBurger and a pretty funny actor, plays the brother, and Lacey Chabert, who I have no problem admitting I think is incredibly hot) and of course, calamity ensues. Enter Uncle Wayne, played by a so-creepy-he's-hilarious Michael Douglas, who has been dead for years, but comes back to tell Connor that there will be three ghosts visiting him to help him change his ways... the ghosts of girlfriends past, present and future... and you see where this is going, I'm sure.
Anyway, there is no new ground being broken here, the take on "A Christmas Carol" has been done before and better, but all in all, its an enjoyable film for lighthearted, I-dont-wanna-think-too-hard kinds of afternoons. I say afternoon because this is recommended as a matinee, not a $9.25 evening show... or even better, wait for the dollar theater. And tell me what you think of Jennifer Garner. Cause I just don't know.
When I mentioned Jennifer Garner to someone as pretty, they said "Really? She's got a 'horse face'!" I thought that was really mean, then I thought, "But... I can see that..."
"SALEM'S LOT" Just finished watching the 1979 mini-series on dvd. Read the book three times, it might be overtaking "It" as my favorite King book (though I'm reading "It" now for the first time in almost 20 years, so we'll see), and saw the pretty lackluster movie with Rob Lowe from a few years ago, so I figured I'd put the old one on Netflix. It came a few days ago, and I finally got around to watching it.
It sucked.
"17 AGAIN" Anyone under 25 or so will probably enjoy this movie more than people over 25. People under 25 have no concept of Tom Hank's brilliant "Big", or perhaps they've only seen it on Comedy Central, or because they are dating someone over 25 who said, "Oh, you have to watch this film!". But those under 25 certainly won't remember "Vice Versa", or "18 Again" or "Like Father, Like Son" or "Dream a Little Dream", and its a good chance that those over 25 might have to strain to remember those classics starring... Fred Savage & Judge Reinhold ("Vice Versa")... George Burns & Charlie Schlatter ("18 Again")... Dudley Moore & Kirk Cameron ("Like Father, Like Son", which admittedly I had forgotten about until I started looking for movie links and found it)... and seriously, who could forget the Oscar nominated, Golden Globe winning efforts of not only Corey Haim but ALSO Corey Feldman in "Dream a Little Dream".
Of course, the granddaddy of all of these switch 'em up movies was "Freaky Friday", starring a young Jodie Foster, excellently remade in 2003 with a then-sane Lindsay Lohan and a pre-Activia Jamie Lee Curtis.
I mention all of this to remind you that this whole young-to-old-to-young plotline is not new. "17 Again" gives you what you've seen before, but in a slightly different way. The older guy this time is played by Chandler Bing, and to be taught how good is life is, he much transform into a younger guy, played by Colin Firth Club intern Zac Efron, and go back to high school. Now, sarcasm aside, I actually thought this movie was pretty funny... there are two reasons why I like this movie:
1) Thomas Lennon. He plays the nerdy, geeky, gawky Ned (who names their kid Ned? I mean, really?) who somehow is best friends with Zac's cool Mike (this would never happen, by the way), and grows up to be a rich software developer who lives in his geekdom apartment. For me, Lennon steals every scene he's in. 2) Leslie Mann. Its no secret that I'm in love with Amy Adams. However, I could easily remove "Amy Adams" from that sentence and easily slip in "Leslie Mann".
Every time she's in a movie, she's wonderful. And gorgeous.
To sum up, "17 Again" is worth a viewing, because even though you've been down this road before, its not a bad trip. Another film you could pay a buck for and not feel bad.
(pardon me while one of my favorite parts of The #1 film on The Dave100 plays on television right now... can't turn away...)
This is perhaps the silliest, stupidest, most unintentionally funny movie this side of "An Inconvenient Truth"... from the very first moment of this movie, I was giggling.
When I was at Troy State, we knew this guy named Mike who was a TKE. Now, TKE's were kind of the joke frat at TSU (Can't go Greek? Go Teek. Can't go Teek? Go home!), and Mike was no exception. He wanted to be liked so badly, he wanted people to look at him, and chicks to love him and he wanted people to know how cool he was. In order to do this, he liked to walk around, come to lunch at SAGA and sometimes go to class... with his shirt off. The guy was pasty white, and though he definately was built (I would never say these things to his face), we all got a laugh out it, because he took himself sooooo seriously.
This movie is like Mike at TSU. It so desperately wants you to like it, it will do all the things it thinks you will think is cool, and yet, you will end up just laughing at it.
Vin Diesel cannot say more than two or three multi-syllabic words in a single sentence, and absolutely cannot speak above a low growl. Every single one of his lines is spoken in a low growl... "I'm going to make them pay for this..." Low growl. "You killed Letty. I'm going to kill you..." Low growl. "Mia, do you have any 2% milk..." Low growl.
Essentially, there is this crazy nutzoid gas stealing scene at the very beginning, where Dom and Letty and the gang try to swipe a few tanker trucks of oil as it drives down the highway--I mean, lets not pull the guy off of the road with a shotgun aimed at his head, nay, let's toss Michelle Rodriguez on a moving 18 wheeler to unhitch the trailers.
Vin and Paul, in all their cheesy glory
Anyway, she dies, Dom gets angry, he re-teams with Paul Walker to infultrate the bad guy gang and get the guy who killed her and so on and so on... whatever. The plot here is not important.
Look, this movie can be summed one in two lines of dialogue... so, Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are standing on a cliff, on the US side, overlooking the Mexican border. Paul Walker, the special agent, leaned up against his hot rod, looks at Vin Diesel and says, "This is where my jurisdiction ends." Vin, who never takes his eyes off the Mexican town below, says, in a low growl, "...This is where my jurisdiction begins."
I laughed so hard the people two rows in front of me turned their heads a little toward me.
If the blog sounds really choppy and not very articulate, well... its my fault. I'm reeeeally tired and its reeeeally late, but I wanted to get this written before "Star Trek" opened fully this weekend... The Lovely Steph Leann and I caught one of a few sneak previews around town tonight...
Old joke I used to tell... "You know the difference in Star Wars fans and Star Trek fans, right? Star Wars fans get dates."
There are two kinds of Star people in this world... Trek people and Wars people. Well, three, if you count those who just don't give a rip, but those are people I don't associate with too much (I kid, I kid!)
I have always been a Wars person. The mythology of the space lore, the mystique of the Jedi (of course, George Lucas ruined that with the whole midi-chlorian deal in "The Phantom Menace", but that's a different column), the evil of the Empire, the coolness of Han Solo, the growling of Chewbacca, Princess Leia in a gold bikini... Star Wars probably also had an unfair advantage as it was new and huge as I was growing up. I saw "The Empire Strikes Back" first in 1982, at the age of 7, then not too long after that, watched "Star Wars" probably thirty times in a month when it premiered on HBO.
Star Trek, on the other hand, was already long gone by the time I was born, or even old enough to remember what I was watching. The first movie came out in 1979, and I honestly don't even remember anything about it. Did I even see it? I'm not sure. Now, 1982's "The Wrath of Khan" was a masterpiece, and the fourth film, 1985's "The Voyage Home" was pretty good... beyond that, most of the films were pretty terrible.
I do remember watching "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in the late 80s, with a new episode premiering every Saturday night on CBS at 1035... but after a while, I lost interest, just catching a few here and there (the battle with The Borg was fantastic). The later movies featuring TNG cast started with 1994's "Generations", which was decent, but everything after that wasn't all that great. I actually had to look up the name of the last Star Trek film ("Nemesis" in 2002) because I couldn't remember it, and am pretty sure I've never even seen it, nor wanted to.
This blog and the paragraphs that begin it isn't about the greatness of Star Wars (at least the original trilogy, which I liken to Mark McGwire before the steroids revelations... the second trilogy is McGwire after steroid revelations, as in, still just as awesome, but missing the luster and magic), its just about setting up my thoughts on the new film "Star Trek", directed by JJ Abrams, the Lost and Alias guy, so you'll know where I'm coming from.
Not being a huge Star Trek fan, but having seen enough of it to appreciate its cultural impact, know who the characters are and understanding the villains, I was excited about this new movie coming up... it was a "rebirth" of sorts, much like "Batman Begins" was a reboot and a retelling of the story that has been told before.
"Star Trek" goes back to the very beginning, from the heroic death of George Kirk, the birth of James T. Kirk and the introduction of Spock. We also see the brand new starship, the U.S.S. Enterprise, the young Bones, the young Uhura, a great Eric Bana as a Romulan bad guy, and all sorts of "Hey, I'm ---" and "I'm ---" as characters we've known forever meet for the first time.
There is a plot line here that involves black holes, time travel and a Vulcan planet, but I promise its not as convoluted as it sounds...
I loved this movie. I loved how it started, I loved the story, I loved the effects, I loved how it ended, I just thought this flick was absolutely worth the wait and just awesome. I really enjoyed how JJ Abrams didn't take the movie soooo seriously... there are a lot of Trek fans out there, so he had to walk a fine line between telling a story that people who aren't necessarily Trekkies will enjoy and want to see, and not angering or upsetting those very Trekkies who, despite the fact some of them have never kissed a girl (by the way, I looked for that Shatner SNL skit, and couldn't find it anywhere...), have basically kept the franchise alive for forty years.
Abrams does a great job at walking that line... I think anyone who isn't familiar with Star Trek will just enjoy a good science fiction story, and anyone who knows the story will recognize some of the little salutes to the original that have found its way into the film. The officer who goes with Sulu and Kirk down to the alien planet--you know he's not coming back. We know this because we've seen the show. Bones yelling, "Dammit, I'm a doctor!" and Scotty yelling, "We're giving it all she's got cap-pin!" were lines that I cracked up on, as did many other people in the theater. Even the Kobayashi Maru training scene is a throwback to the original cast, and there's a slight shout-out to the interracial barrier broken by the original series (when Kirk and Uhura kissed on television. Gasp.)
The casting was also superb... Chris Pine made for a great Capt. Kirk, but his surrounding players really made the movie shine. John Cho, an awesome That Guy character actor who criminally isn't given much to do beyond a great fight sequence that didn't last long enough, plays Sulu. John Cho is the guy in the trailer that looks all bad-A when he rips off his helmet, holding a sword around the 1:53 mark in the trailer video above. A hilarious Simon Pegg shows up later as Scotty, and has many one liners of his own. Kirk meets up with Bones McCoy early, and Bones, played by Karl Urban (Eomer in the 2nd and 3rd Lord of the Rings movies), proves to be a great comedic character, and the chick playing Uhura... well, she does a great job playing a pretty girl, let me just say that.
Of course, you have to notice Zack Quinto as Spock, in his feature film debut, though everyone knows him as Sylar from "Heroes". His Spock is amazing, and fits just about perfectly. Matter of fact, if I have to find a weakness in the entire casting process, it might be Leonard Nimoy himself, and maybe its because he's old, or maybe its because he was never that great to begin with, but all of his lines sound straight off of a cue card, and so wooden. Just sayin'.
Anyway, I can highly recommend this film to anyone who's ever had a remote interest in Star Trek, be it the Original Series, or the Next Generation, or Deep Space Nine or Voyager or Enterprise or Tribbletown or Space Babylon or Battleship Starlactica or whatever they've called the 87 spin off shoes... for any die-hard Trekkies, loosen up a little. JJ Abrams made his film in love. Its great.
Coming soon... reviews on "17 Again", "Fast & Furious", "Wolverine" and "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past"...
Here's the opening... we see glimpses and flashes of the remaining Idol contestants, they each tell us how ready they are to rock, how ready they are to win this whole thing, we see the judges comment here and there on various things, and Seacrest comes out to tell us that around 87,980,000,003 people voted last night, right after asking, "Who will graduate from the school of rock... and who will just get schooled?"
This, of course, is American Idol.
Tonight, No Doubt performs, as does Daughtry, as does Paula the Flake, so there's a good chance we might see some or all of the performances, but definately not the group song, and no chance on the Ford Commercial.
Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, looking especially New Hotnessed, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell all wave to the audience.
While I was working at The Happiest Place in the Mall, somewhere around 7:12pm, I heard a scream and a hoot from somewhere in the distance. It makes sense now. I heard Drew Morris when Slash came on stage to perform for the group song, which I skip past.
It speaks to how big this show has become... do you think Slash comes on to Idol back in Season One or Season Two? Heck no. No credibility. But now... now that its watched by around 67 billion people worldwide, added to the fact that he has an album coming out, yeah, Slash is pretty quick to take up the invite to Idol.
Seacrest heads to the Idols sitting upon the Couch of Safety, killing time, bantering, discussing the first Zeppelin song ever to be sung on Idol, that by The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, plus giving more excuses and passes to The Widower Danny Gokey after his crazy screaming note at the end of the song last night. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... "We didn't like what you did with the song, even though you sounded good, but you sounded pitchy and so on...." but to The Widower Danny Gokey, "It's okay, its alright, we know you can do better, shh, its going to be just fine..."
And now, here comes Paula the Flake...
Here is what I want to hear from Paula the Flake... "You're the whisper of a summer breeze..." OR "Lost.... in a dream... don't know which... way to go..." OR "You're a cold hearted snake (look into his eyes) Oh oh, he's been telling lies..." OR "I got that Vibeology, that V-I-B-E-ology..." OR "Hey baby... you got to remember... I'm forever your girl..." OR even "Eagles calling, calling your name..." but what I really don't want to hear is this.
She's dressed up in an outfit that would have been perfect for her in 1991, when she was brand spankin' new on the scene... but perhaps not now. Its also important to note, that Paula, now what, 45? is not moving nearly as fast as she did back in 1991.
For those of you kiddies who just don't understand, who only know Paula Abdul as a flake and a joke and the Idol judge, let me tell you a story... back in the early 90s, she and Janet Jackson were the two best chick dancers alive. Their videos were unbelievable demonstrations of movement and rhythm, their music was fun, their albums were great, and both--especially Paula--were beautiful. What you know now as the blithering, blubbering, drooling pain killer induced Paula Abdul is nothing compared to how... well, for lack of a better word, how cool she used to be.
I give you the title track to her most excellent first CD, "Forever Your Girl". This is how awesome she used to be. Oh, and disregard that "MTV" in the corner of the video. This is back when they actually played a music video. You know, ever.
This song, the one she's doing, "I'm Just Here For the Music" is annoying. And I'm going to go on a very short limb and say that the song I just saw was prerecorded, because before the song, she was in a cutesy little beige dress, then she came out in the aforementioned too-skimpy-for-her-age costume, and now that the commercials are over, she's back in the beige dress.
But now... here's someone I can watch. Gwen Stefani, with No Doubt, doing their first big hit, "Just a Girl". As she sings, though, two things occur to me. First, she's so goofy, and weird, and yet, she's still hot. I mean, not too many chicks can do what she does, dress like she dresses and appear like she appears many times and still can be considered hot, but she pulls it off. Secondly, dear goodness she sounds terrible... absolutely terrible... she hasn't held any single note for longer than two seconds... its almost like she can't. I can't handle it. I fast forward. This song is definately not B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Old joke that I've told before, but will tell again because I have a new audience that may or may not have heard it... So, Gwen Stefani is married to Gavin Rossdale, lead of one of the hardest rockin' bands of the 90s, singer of such awesome rock classics like "Machinehead" and "Everything Zen"... obviously, he and his wife sing two different styles of music. Do you think he just sucks it up, and tells Gwen whatever she writes is good, even though he knows that he'd never, ever be associated with some of it otherwise? Like, I imagine this exchange... Gwen: Hey, babe, come in here Gavin: Yes, dear? Whats up? Gwen: So I've written this awesome new song, and I want to read you the lyrics to this last part that I think is soooo awesome Gavin: Sure babe, whats the title? Gwen: Oh, its called "Hollaback Girl" Gavin: (pausing) Holla... back... girl? Gwen: Yeah, check this out... "Its bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This s&^% is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S". See, I say "bananas", then I spell it! Isnt that awesome!? Gavin: (pausing, speaking slowly) Yeah, thats... thats great, Gwenie... I, uh... I love it. I mean, Bananas. Thats... thats wonderful. So, uh... so cool and all Gwen: So I was thinking, I had written a song for your new Bush album and... Gavin: Uh, gotta go. Game's on.
Back to the show. The four Idols are standing backstage, awaiting Seacrest to call their name. He points to The Silver Stools... not of failure, but of Safety. There are only three. The Idols come out, and Seacrest says he'll announce them in random order.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is first. Then The Widower Danny Gokey. Then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Finally, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. One goes to The Silver Stools of Safety... and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the nod... this is good. No, this is awesome. He almost collapses, looking speechless with a shocked grin on his face.
While I was at The Happiest Place in the Mall, I also heard a squeal of glee around 7:43, and that makes sense now. It was Erin the Marine Wife screaming as Daughtry comes onstage. Seriously, though... Chris Daughtry, perhaps the coolest Idol ever. He really is an awesome dude. They'll be singing their first single, "No Surprise", off of their sophomore album "Leave This Town", which drops in July. Why is it that music critics and newsmakers say "sophomore" album and not just "2nd" album? The former is six letters and four seconds longer than the latter... hmm.
Song sounds good. I'll ask Erin the Marine Wife how the CD is, because she'll get it the day it comes out, I'm sure. I like Daughtry, the guy and the band, cause it just seems like he recognizes how lucky he is, and he gives kudos to the fans and supporters all the time, remembering they are who makes him so famous... good guy.
Okay, back to the real stuff. Who will join The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen on the Silver Stools of Safety? The second person to head that way is... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
Well, we know this is the end for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... how great would it have been to see her to go to the Silver Stools of Safety, leaving The Goke and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert competing for one spot? Alas, its over for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I take the title back from her, write her name under My Previous Next American Idol Brooke White, and put it aside, awaiting a titleholder in 2010.
As the "journey montage" for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta plays, I wonder if they've even edited one yet for Dead Wife Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, figuring they have another two weeks to finish it. _______________________________________________
PERFORMANCES...
I'm shocked. I'm stunned, and ashamed and taken aback in a way that I'm not sure I could have fathomed mere moments ago, before I sat down at the laptop in the recliner here at The Cabana Extended Suites and Resort Spa. I'm just... speechless. You could have told me Lance Bass was gay, you could have told me that MSNBC is pro-Obama, you could have told me that Miley Cyrus really was Hannah Montana... and I would have believed all of those things, those undeniably incomprehendable things that I've only recently discovered as true before I believed the following words...
Its rock week here at American Idol, with our guest mentor, Slash, from Velvet Revolver, but you know him really from... well, is it Guns'N Roses, or Guns N Roses, or Guns N'Roses? Where does the ' lie? These are the things I lay awake at night thinking about.
Seacrest is telling us, and showing us, the part of the stage tower, with the big neon "IDOL" on it that collapsed. This is all George Bush's fault. Its him and his stupid hurricane machine that has cost this country trillions of dollars, when he could have spent that money on our country's failing infrastructure! Seriously! What kind of third world country do we live in when American Idol's neon towers are falling down? What's next? The top level of Deal or No Deal's staircase bends and breaks? President B. Hussein Obama, I plea to you!
We see a montage of Slash, and somewhere, Drew Morris is drooling on himself, convulsing and french kissing his TV screen. Honestly, this has to be one of the coolest mentors ever... Slash, not Drew Morris, though I can imagine Drew Morris would be kind of fun too.
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is singing "Whole Lotta Love", and I imagine the number of screeches in a Led Zeppelin cover might be in the hundreds. Slash echoes The Lovely Steph Leann in saying that TAGAL is effortless and has such a range and so on and so forth.
Except for the fact he looks like a gay Hillary Swank from "Boys Don't Cry" (is that an oxymoron? or just redundant?) he sounds a whole lotta like Robert Plant. If I were Robert Plant, I'd call up Jimmy Page and ask him to kick me in the face for sounding like this.
Randy the Dawg loves him. Loves him. He might go gay for him. He tells The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert that he is in fact a rock star. He should be making a rock record. I can see Scott Weiland and Trent Reznor, in a heroin induced rage, beating the crap out of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert backstage, actually. "Stupid alternative lifestyle guy bringing your alternative lifestyles into our rockin' party atmosphere!" or something like that.
Kara the New Hotness looks like she's stepped out of an Expose video. She tells him he should be making music with Nine Inch Nails. As Trent himself, watching--cause I'm sure he is--is probably saying, "Hailz to the No." Paula the Flake blubbers, and Simon the Cowell loves it too.
Can I be honest here? It sounded good. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I'm now going to put up a Nancy Pelosi poster and join the Sierra Club.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is taking on "Crybaby" from Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to be more confident, and bring it all out when she sings.
Here's what I dig about My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I love the raspy voice thing. She reminds me kind of Sheryl Crow, and I loves me some Sheryl Crow. She's belting out the song, one that I'm not all that familiar with--honestly, my Joplin expertise begins and ends with "...freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." and so "Crybaby" is one I don't know well. I've heard it, just don't know it.
Either way, I think My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is awesome. Of course, she's not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, so the judges won't love her nearly as much. Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, wanting more of a melody in the song. Kara the New Hotness loved the Joplin bluesy rock, but said she should have taken on "Piece of My Heart" (oh yeah, she did that before Faith Hill, didn't she?).
Paula the Flake blubbers. Simon the Cowell reminds her that she is still 17. He chides her for not being original, even though he loved The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert for singing EXACTLY like Page and Plant. Who sang the lead on "Whole Lotta Love" anyway? Was it Page? Was it Plant?
And now, we have our first duet of the evening, nay, of the entire show. A new little twist, with The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey doing a song together. And they are doing Styx's "Renegade". This song is FREAKIN' AWESOME...
(putting down the keyboard while I pay attention to this...)
(picking up the keyboard)
This song cracks me up... not The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Goke's version, I will get to that in a minute...
Back in the late 70s, early 80s, you had these soft pop rock bands... REO Speedwagon and Ambrosia and Firefall and Air Supply and the like, and they had one purpose and one purpose only... to sing songs that you related to your relationships. That was it.
Happy with the girl you have? "You Are the Woman" by Firefall, or "Still the One" by Orleans. Longing to tell someone how you felt about her? "Can't Fight This Feeling" by the Speedwagon. Need a completely overblown and silly, yet FREAKIN' AWESOME anthem song? "Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply would do it. And Styx is in this catagory. Listen just once to "Lady" or "Babe" or "Come Sail Away" and you learn that Styx, in fact, does not rock. They soft rock.
So when I hear "Renegade", it makes me laugh. Its like when Lucas (a film in The Dave100, by the way) the band geek tries to play football and gets crushed... it is almost comical. And a song about a guy who has a bounty on his head and is about to be executed by hanging--"lawman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long"--is even better. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, its got several plays on my iPod, but its an unintentionally funny song.
Here's Daughtry doing his version of "Renegade"... Erin the Marine Wife might pass out.
And somehow, two guys who do not rock, who in fact, soft rock, like The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey singing this song somehow fits... Randy the Dawg liked it okay. He loved the harmonies, which were really good. Kara the New Hotness makes my point about these two guys singing this rock song. Paula the Flake blithers. Simon the Cowell has no idea what to say, telling them that The Goke was better than TLSLNAIK'Allen.
So now that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is winded from a duet with The Goke singing a crazy Styx power song, let's make him do his solo song! Meanwhile, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sings first, and is backstage, taking a rest before his duet at the end of the show. Hmmm...
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is doing The Beatles' "Come Together", a song either awesomely, or awfully, remade by Michael Jackson, I'm not sure which. It sounds great, not fanastic, but great.
Randy the Dawg appreciated the song, while Kara the New Hotness said he is the softer side of rock, and wasn't great tonight. Paula the Flake drools. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.
That scream I just heard from all parts of Birmingham was a collective squeal from Emmy Turnbow, Cindy Jo Warner, Stacy "Wife of the 13th Disciple" Mintz and a few other moms around town because The Widower Danny Gokey just appeared onscreen again.
The Goke is doing "Dream On", a classic from Aerosmith. Still sounding like Tommy Shaw from Styx, trying to rock out, The Goke does his thing. And not to let The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert have all the screechy fun, The Widower Danny Gokey does his own end-of-song screech. And the whole song is not all that great.
Randy the Dawg didn't like the song that much, but gives him an A for Effort. Kara the New Hotness tells him that he sounded too over the top. Paula the Flake quivers. Simon the Cowell hated that last note, admitting what everyone things... "With [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert, it worked. With you, Dead Wife, it didn't."
A crashing of two worlds occurs now, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta come together. Right now. Over me.
"Slow Ride" by Foghat is the song that will be rocked and screeched. When I hear this song, I automatically think of "Dazed and Confused", another The Dave100 movie. The song comes to an end, and now we'll hear the judges rant and rave and fall all over themselves for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and just by being close, they might even give My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta a compliment.
Randy the Dawg loves it. Kara the New Hotness loves it. Paula the Flake blabbers. Simon the Cowell tells them they win the Duet Battle. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert hugs My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, and he thinks, "So this is what a woman feels like? Eew. I don't like it. As if."
Tonight... My Next American Idol Allison Ireaheta, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey...
I used to get CCM way back in the day, and looked forward to reading it cover to cover... when I say "back in the day", I am referring to about a six year span between 1995 and 2001 where my subscription ran uninterrupted, and no magazine went unread.
It was the go to source for news of dcTalk's new album, or this new girl named Jennifer Knapp or Nichole Nordeman had new music out, or this amazing article on Gary Chapman--and his side of the Amy Grant/Gary Chapman divorce--that came out sometime in the late 90s. CCM was a gold mine of not just Christian music information, but Christian life as well. There were festivals to read about, new artists, old artists, and somewhere, I still have the tribute issue from when Rich Mullins died in a car wreck.
When I ran Sunday Night Power, a Christian music show, in 1997 and 1998 for WTBT at Troy, I would use CCM as question material when interviewing Jars of Clay or Cindy Morgan or Audio Adrenaline... remember, the internet was not only newly formed at this time, but the dearth of informaion wasn't nearly as dearthy as it is now.
I guess sometime after 2001, maybe 2002, I let my subscription lapse. I think I let a few issues go by before renewing it, but then let it lapse again and never got around to picking it back up. Sometime over the years, CCM Magazine changed. Following Rolling Stone's lead, it dropped the in-depthness of its articles and columns, and began a more "glossy" style, with less opinion and journalism, replaced with puff pieces on the wonders of Chris Tomlin, or the legendary status of Michael W. Smith. Unlike Rolling Stone, however, there weren't legions of fans that, if some left because of the unfortunate changes, there'd be enough to pick up the slack.
It was also about that time that I couldn't tell the difference in Matt Redman and David Crowder and The Barlow Girls sounded like Aurora who sounded like Joy Williams who just lost my interest... hence, d$ and CCM Magazine parted ways, after almost 10 years together.
And then, a few weeks ago, I was doing a Wiki search on someone... I don't remember who... maybe Jars, maybe Kevinmax, but I read something along the lines of "...before CCM Magazine folded in 2008..." What? What is this? So I googled up CCM Magazine, and found out that yes, in April 2008, what I knew as Contemporary Christian Magazine had indeed ceased their monthly publication on their 30th anniversary. Gone.
CCM Magazine's final issue
In my searching, I found an interesting article from the, ironically enough, online magazine Patrol, written by David Sessions...
Sessions writes...
"It is quite a curiosity how frequently some cultural phenomena are pronounced dead. Rock music, in particular, dies at least once a decade. And now it seems the question is echoing in the Christian music industry almost as loudly, as those who remember the great days of dcTalk and the Newsboys wonder: Is Christian rock dead?
Further fueling the speculation is CCM magazine’s announcement that it will discontinue its print edition in April, the press statement announced that CCM readers “want information faster than a print magazine can deliver,” and explains the folding of the print magazine as an intentional move to allow CCM to put its energy into online content. It is difficult to imagine that the Christian music industry would have been the same without the magazine. For most of my life, it set the trends and made the brand among Christian youth. But over the past few years, CCM has fought a losing battle for its audience as it continues covering a product its target demographic, young evangelicals, consumes at a gradually decreasing rate.
On its face, such a transformation from print to web is hardly remarkable; print magazines of all stripes are, after all, struggling to survive in the new media environment. But in addition to triggering the media evolution, technology has contributed to the disappearance of CCM’s prime readership. Thousands of artists now able to self-market their music to the world, including Christian musicians uncomfortable with the industry’s insistence on marketable formula. Believers seem to have realized there’s quite a bit of great music out there, and Christians aren’t the only ones making it. With such a selection available, including many popular choices that lack traditionally offensive content, there remains no justification for Christians to subject themselves to the generally substandard fare offered in Christian bookstores.
CCM belatedly caught on to these trends, announcing last May that the magazine would change its name from “Contemporary Christian Music” to “Christ. Community. Music.” and would broaden its focus to include “Christian worldview music,” music made by Christians but necessarily intended for an exclusively evangelical audience. The magazine had previously covered only music with explicit religious content, a perennial annoyance to Christian artists who believed music should incorporate all aspects of life and creation without forced utterances of Jesus’ name or cliched religious imagery.
The magazine’s new incarnation was a step in the right direction, but was too little too late,even “Christian worldview music” is a scope too narrow to make their content roundly relevant to the young evangelical music consumer.
The broader coverage allowed CCM to benefit from the success of artists like Sufjan Stevens, but it also instantly associated him with the “faith brand,” a characterization that Christian musicians like Stevens and The Fray persistently resist. Individually, they contend, they are followers of Christ. Professionally, they are serious musicians who strive to be appreciated because they make great music for all kinds of people. At CCM, even in its newer, more “relevant” incarnation, artists were still generally more appreciated for being popular, successful Christians than they were for being excellent musicians. Thus even the new CCM didn’t necessarily appeal to the best Christian artists, many of whom are trying to avoid exactly the sort of distinction that labels like “Christian worldview music” make, most of all, association with the disposable, imitative art of the evangelical subculture.
There is no doubt that these changes in theology and technology had a negative impact on Christian music publications. If you visit the places where people should be reading CCM, Christian colleges campuses and church youth groups, you’re more likely to find copies of Paste or overhear references to Pitchfork Media, the same places their secular counterparts go for music information. And with the obvious fact that the middle-aged listeners of the few still-popular Christian bands like Casting Crowns aren’t the biggest readers of hip music rags, CCM faced a double-whammy: Christian artists don’t want any part of a separate “Christian music” industry, and young Christian fans aren’t primarily interested in the music that used to be called Christian rock. With both content and readers disappearing simultaneously, it was only a matter of time until the magazine would be forced to either transform completely or fold.
CCM’s Christian music coverage will still be around, but it remains to be seen if the magazine can compete in the competitive, crowded world of internet music journalism. And while some of us can’t help feeling at least a small wave of nostalgia for the publication that accompanied us through adolescence, we should be encouraged by the fact that a positive change, a growing commitment by Christians to break out of their artistic bubble, has brought its relevance to a conclusion."
(d$ again) I only posted this article because really, he says it better than I could. Here is CCM Online
Did you know that Michael Tait is now the lead singer for Newsboys? CCM Magazine would have told me this. .
"She says she hates to sleep alone, but she'll do it tonight. She wants to grab her telephone, but she knows it ain't right. So if he won't call, she'll survive, and if he don't care, she'll get by. Climb into bed, bury her head, and cry... She says she feels like she's addicted to a real bad thing, always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring, she knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string... it hurts to feel like such a fool." -- "Addicted", my 5th favorite Dan Seals song
Dan Seals passed away March 25th, 2009, of mantle cell lymphoma. Apparently he'd been suffering from it for a while... and it makes me sad. I really liked Dan Seals. And I felt that you, the reader, should know him. Like the music, don't like the music, but his career and success is respectable.
The name might not be familiar, and if you are not a longtime country fan, its likely you would have never heard of Dan Seals. However, you are a 70s soft rock pop fan, you might be familiar with England Dan and John Ford Coley... same Dan.
Dan was born in 1948 close to Dallas, Texas, where he went to school. His brother, Jim Seals, played saxophone on The Champs' immortal "Tequila", and eventually teamed up with Dash Seals in the 60s to form the band Seals & Croft ("...summer breeze... makes me feel fine... blowin' through the jasmine in my mind..." or "darlin' if you want me to be... closer to you... get closer to me..."), his other brother Brady spent some time in Little Texas ("ooh... God blessed Texas..."), and then Dan joined with classmate and friend John Colley to form England Dan and John Ford Coley.
Here's a performance of my 4th favorite Dan Seals song, the classic made with John Ford Coley
Colley shortened his last name by a letter to Coley, then added the "Ford" as his middle name to help with the pronunciation flow. "England" was a childhood nickname born out of his love for the Beatles, so England Dan and John Ford Coley became a duo.
Their hits in the 70s were numerous, including "I'd Really Love to See You Tonight", "Nights are Forever Without You" and "We'll Never Have to Say Goodbye Again". All in all, they had 6 Top 40 hits between 1976 and 1979, before eventually parting ways. John Ford Coley actually became a Christ Follower in 1999, still performs with some 70s groups that won't go away (you know, groups like Ambrosia and Poco) probably at county fairs and small town festivals that like like say "Hey, come to our event... we have The Edgar Winter Group! Live in concert!"
Dan Seals tried his soft rock solo career in 1980, signing with Atlantic Records and releasing his first album, "Stones", as England Dan. He ended up in a struggle with the IRS, almost lost everything, then started over with his album "Harbinger". Like "Stones", this album was a commercial failure, charting no singles and selling few copies. Dan Seals rethought his approach, then began to adapt his style for the country side of things...
"I just had to call you babe, I got your letter and I understood almost every line. You said TLC is what you miss from me, you want back in my arms PDQ. Ooh, I love this game, them three letters by your name, LOA. What does that say? She said oh baby it's so simple, did not mean to make it hard to understand. I've been gone so long I want you to know I miss my man oh yes I do. And that message for you tells you what I'm gonna do when I get home oh..." -- "Love On Arrival", my 3rd favorite Dan Seals song
Country in the mid-80s was much different than what we know today. The country rockin' style of artists like Rascal Flatts, Kenny Chesney, The Dixie Chicks and even Carrie Underwood was unheard of, Garth Brooks had yet to transform the genre, and it was two sided.
First, there are the immortal artists, those that will never grow old, those that now perhaps their legendary status and reputation possibly surpass much of their music's quality itself... The Highwaymen (Cash, Jennings, Nelson, Kristofferson), Merle Haggard, Hank Jr..
Then you had the softer country side that were artists like Marie Osmond, the Judds, Don Williams, Eddie Rabbitt... these were artists that would likely never get much airtime nowadays aside from some sort of "classic country" hour at noon or on Saturday nights. Back then? They were the Chesney, Paisley, Urban, Swift of the day. And it was in this genre that Dan Seals found his niche.
Dan Seal's first album for Capitol Records, where he signed after leaving Atlantic, was called "Rebel Heart", and though it wasn't a blockbuster, it did much better than his first two pop albums. Next was "San Antone", in 1984, where he finally started seeing some chart success, first with "(You Bring Out) the Wild Side of Me" and "My Baby's Got Good Timing"--classic country song titles.
His biggest success came in 1985's "Won't Be Blue Anymore", and one of his biggest hits came when he teamed with Marie Osmond for "Meet Me In Montana", the first of 9 straight number one country hits. "Bop" came next, was a number one single, and won Single of the Year at 1986's CMA Awards.
The singles came, as did the success, classics like "You Still Move Me", "Addicted", "They Rage On", "One Friend" and a song perhaps written about Samson, "Big Wheels in the Moonlight"... "I came from a town that was so small, if you looked both ways you could see it all..."
Dan Seals released "On Arrival" in 1990, and it produced the number one singles "Love on Arrival" and "Good Times", a remake of the Sam Cooke R&B classic. This was his final success in an album, and these were his last Top 40 singles.
(Marie) "Well were stuck here in these hills that they call mountains. (Dan) Darlin' back home in your arms is right where I want to be. (Marie & Dan) Won't you meet me in Montana... I wanna see the mountains your eyes. I had all of this life I can handle, meet me underneath that big Montana sky... " -- "Meet Me In Montana" by Dan Seals & Marie Osmond, my 2nd favorite Dan Seals song
Dan Seals soft, guitar plucky style was suddenly out of favor by the early 90s, giving way to the Garth Brooks kind of country music... not that this was a bad thing, mind you, but country was changing. No one wanted to hear Don Williams, Juice Newton, Earl Thomas Conley, John Conlee... or Dan Seals.
He signed with Warner Brothers, released "Walking the Wire" and "Fired Up", did an acoustic album of his earlier hits on "In a Quiet Room" for Intersound, then released a few more albums for TDC Records.
Dan Seals suffered from mantle cell lymphoma (MCL), one of the rarer of non-Hodgkins lymphomas, rare enough that there are only about 15,000 patients presently in the U.S. He had radiation treatments in June of 2008 and even received a stem cell transplant in December of last year, but eventually, the MCL won out. On March 25th, 2009, Dan Seals lost his life, passing away quietly at his daughter's home. He was 61.
And here's my favorite Dan Seals song... its from the album "Won't Be Blue Anymore", and its all about a rodeo rider, trying to raise a daughter on his own after his wife has apparently left them for brighter lights and bigger arenas...
Ten albums in a duo, and seventeen solo albums, along with six different "best of" compilations, thats work on 33 different albums. That, my fellow music lovers, is a career. Thank you, Dan Seals, for making my country music childhood enjoyable with your music and your love of such, and though I'll be honest, I thought "Bop" was rather silly, so much of your music makes me sing along and makes me smile.
When it comes to Dan Seals, everything that glitters truly is gold.
That's right... this is quite possibly your next American Idol. Live it. Love it.
