A Fallen Idol... Hollywood Week Part 1

Okay, let's be real here... I frikkin' love me some Hollywood Week on American Idol.  I love watching the potential divas flame out, I love watching the dynamic between the individuals and groups, and especially love watching the Idols who piddle around, maybe even go to sleep instead of practice, get shot down when they blow their Hollywood Auditions.

More tears will be shed, more lives will be changed, more stakes will be raised, more drama will be unstoppable, more passion will be unbelievable, more talent will be... well, talented out.

THIS IS HOLLLLLLLYYYWOOOODDD WWWEEEEEEKKKK, yo.

So this year, 309 are headed to Southern California... yes, I wrote that right, its THREE HUNDRED AND NINE Idolites, or as Seacrusty tells us, "the nation's elite".  Or something.

Now, its hard to discuss this first part of Hollywood Week, really, so I'll try and hit the highlights.  We see our judges, Randy the Dawg, Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler and J to the Lo  from the Block grace the stage for a goofy pep talk.

Contestants come out in groups of 10 and sing a song of their choosing, and the judges will give no reaction or feedback.  Then, they immediately look at the group of 10, discuss each one right there, then give them the "you are through" or the "you are done"... or as J-Lo would say, "not this year, baby".

And I'll be honest with ya, I remember these faces, but I don't remember alot of these names--unless I can see them on the graphic.

Johnny Keyser is doing "Dreamin'" by Amos Lee, who I really like.  And during the song, despite the no-feedback rule, we see the judges smiling and nodding and such.  Up next is Heejun Han, who admits that the guy before him--Johnny--is a good looking dude, and he wonders himself, "Why am I even here?  Everyone here is so tall and pretty... I have to figure out how to overcome the beauty!"  Well said, sir.

Heejun does some music by The Bolt, singing "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You", garnering some judges smiles and even some Woos! and Hoos! from the audience.  It is kinda funny, though, you can pick up on his Asian accent slightly as he sings.  Good thing he didn't try Shawn Mullin's "Lullaby".  That one was for you, Hurricane Rhett!

Johnny and Heejun are the only ones in this group featured, so our cameras focus on them.  Johnny and Heejun and some chick named Gabby make it through... the 7 behind them, the 7 that we will never ever see or hear from again, are sent home.

Elise Testosterone is shown, as is Baylie Brown... she made it this far already, it was the group round that killed her.  Hallie Day is shown again, doing "You Make Me Feel (like a natural woman)", and doing it well.  And the entire group of 10 gets sent through to the next round.

Seacrusty hows us some contestants backstage, discussing sweaty palms and shaky nerves and twitchy fidgets and such.  Jen Hirsh is up, singing some obscure (and its obscure to me because I've never heard of it) some by Patti Griffin, called "Up to the Mountain".  She belts it out strong, but then hits some crazy notes that make Randy the Dawg wince.

Her line performs, including Lauren Grey from St. Louis, who keeps singing, even though Randy the Dawg is waving for her to stop.  Jen Hirsch and Lauren Grey made it.

And someone named Heather just butchered "Crazy on You" by Heart--my favorite Heart song, by the way--and we hear other tunes being slaughtered, including the usual pleading of "can I sing a little more?  please?  I started off bad, but can I start again...?"

Phil Phillips is back!  Sounds like a disc jockey name.  I used my real name when I was on the air, which is a rarity for many DJs, but it didn't matter, because no one believed it was my real name.  "Your name is d$?  No way.  You are lying!"  Phillip Phillips is doing "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag", while Reed Grimm is scatting "I've Got a Golden Ticket" from the movie Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory... which, by the way, was great when I was a kid, but now is a little creepy and strange and makes me feel like I should have used some acid before watching it.

Travis Orlando is back after being cut last year, as we get a BACKSTORY RECAP ALERT!!!   Truthfully, I kinda like this guy.  He does need to find a job, though.  Phillip Phillips and Reed Grimm get the okay, while Travis Orlando gets the "I'm sorry baby, not this year" from J to the Lo.  Tearfully, he tells us that he goes back to "nothing", which is kinda sad...

Romerio Garcia goes home. So does mechanic Wolf Hamlin.  Jenny Schick also is sent packing.  Sixty-eight go home at Day One's close.  And who cares how their names are spelled?  They are gone.

At Day Two, the judges arrive, ready and raring.  Inside the "holding room", everyone is freaking out.  Adam Brock, who we have not seen in one single frame up until now, admits that he's been told, "There is a large black woman trapped inside of me."  BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  He is sad that he will be away from his daughter for a few days for the first time.  Really?  I mean, The Lovely Steph Leann is out of town for three days and she's fine.  Seriously.

The Unseen Adam Brock is soul'ing up "Walking in Memphis" quite nicely.  One of my favorite songs.  And here comes Lil' Jim Carrey, that being Jane Carrey!  She's doing a chick rendition of CCR's "Looking Out My Backdoor".  Not sure this is legal, according to the laws of Rock n Roll--you know, the same laws that include "You Must Play ALL Verses of 'Lyin Eyes' and 'American Pie' or risk stiff FCC fines up to and/or including suspension of your radio license."

Adam Brock makes in, while Jane Carrey, doing a Scooter Girl'esque flash in the pan, goes home, as does a big Samoan looking sum'gun in the corner.

We see a montage of those accepting defeat and walking away with dignity, and more begging and pleading for one more shot... because THIS MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!!!

So, 17 year old David Leathers, Jr, is a short little guy... kinda reminds me of the lead kid in Another Bad Creation.  And when he talks, they've added subtitles.  Is it a good thing when you speak English, yet you need subtitles?   Oh, here's Shannon Magrane, who Creepy Uncle Steven earned the "Creepy" title by opening calling her "hot and happening"... in front of Daddy Magrane.  Yowzers.  She is taking on a hard song, "Fallen", while Little David Jr is singing Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me".  I can't wait to hear The Lovely Steph Leann's take on his performance.

And following Little David Jr is Jessica Phillips, who's boo had the stroke--BACKSTORY RECAP ALERT!  Seriously, though, I really liked her and liked her story, and hope she does well.  She sings "All the Man That I Need"...



Oh, I do love me some Pre-Crack Whitney.  No stinkin' joke.  He fills me up!  He gives me love!  More love than I've evaaaa seeen!  He's all I gots!  He's all I gots in this world!  But he's all the man... all the man that I neeeeeed!!!  Dig it.

So, out of that group, Little David Jr, Shannon Magrane and Jessica all make it to the next round.   More auditions including Erika Van Pelt, the DJ chick, and New Yorker Creighton Fraker.  And here's Aaron Marcellus, the music teacher from Atlanta.  Okay, who doesn't think "Marcellis Wallace" from "Pulp Fiction" when they hear the name Marcellis?  All these sail on to the next round.

Savannah auditioner Lauren Mink is the chick who works with adults with disabilities, and she breaks out more Heart with "Alone".  After Carrie Underwood did this, it should be retired from rotation.  Jeremy Rosado, being nicknamed "Dirty" by Randy the Dawg, works as a front desk clerk at a Infection Disease Clinic.  Wait, what?  It gives me pause knowing that, because for whatever reason, his tongue is yellow.

And here's Symone Black, 16, trying out "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay".  This song makes me think of the old Root Beer commercial for Hines (or is it Hires?)... sitting on the dock of the bay, drinking Hines.  And then...

...SHE FALLS OFF THE STAGE!!!

Someone yells "get the medic!!!!"

What the... I mean... what?  

Shouldn't she have sung "Fallen"?

(was totally watching the next episode and was going to blog it and post it tonight altogether, when I get a call from one mother in law, Mama Ruthless... with The Lovely Steph Leann out of town and me getting up at 355am for work, Campbell is staying with the grandparents... however, they are missing some medicine.  So I'm out the door, headed to deliver some medicine, and will recap Group Week tomorrow. I know you can't wait...)

The Super Blog XLVI

So here we are, blogging live from the Nipp Home, upstairs from the official The Deucecast Studios. I didn't do one last year, as I was headed back from Disney World on Super Bowl Sunday... Likewise two years ago... But, thanks to a budget we are on, plus a little to do with Campbell, we have no Disney Trip planned.

This exchange actually happened a few days ago:
The Lovely Steph Leann: Just think... we would be headed down to Disney World at this time in a normal year. But now we have Campbell.
Me: (silence)

We jump into the first quarter, 9 minutes left, no score. One set of commercials, a stylish but boring Bud Platinum ad, then a deceptively funny Audi ad with vampires.

542p... Intentional grounding, resulting in Giants scoring a safety, and we now a mildly amusing Pepsi ad with Elton John, then a forgettable Hyundai ad.

549p... NYGiants driving... Eli looking good so far. Could he be the better Manning? Is it possible?

550p... Pats strip the ball! But wait... Pats have 12 men on the field?! Belichek?! What the...?

552p... NYG in the end zone! Another Bud Platinum ad? Bud shouldn't be allowed to do commercials unless they are funny. And an M&M ad with... Candy nudity? Yeah!

555p... More commercials. Polar bears means Coke. A Chevy means you'll survive the end of the world in 2012.

559p... This exchange...
Mikey: Did the Pats deactivate Ochocinco?
Me: doesn't matter. If they win, you'll see his ring pop up on Pawn Stars in 3 years.

602p... Bridgestone Tires... GoDaddy... And a Lexus ad. And the trailer for "Battleship"... Liam Neeson stars. The aliens steal his daughter for sale into sex trafficking and he doesn't know who he is. And the ships are grey. Does that about sum it up? Yup.

606p... And those hoping for a shutout here are disappointed. NYG leads 9-3.

606p... The Bud Clydesdales make their annual appearance. Doritos. Chevy Camero. And we are back!

608p... Back to the game for about 2 minutes... And more ads. GE.

Me: is anyone actually going to buy a GE turbine?
Mike: my dad might.

609p... The trailer for John Carter. I eh. Now an ad for TaxAct, involving pee.

613p... The ad for "The Lorax"... A VW ad with a hilarious working-out dog, plus a Star Wars twist.

631p... Sorry, took a break to eat... More ads... The new Chevy Sonic, which makes me want some tater tots. And a trailer for the 3D re-release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

634p... Looks like the Pats are finally getting something going.

635p... THE AVENGERS!!!!!

636p... Teleflora.com... Skechers, with a shoe wearing dog... Xbox Kinect... Cars.com...

643p... Doritos. E-Trade Baby. And my mancrush, The Rock, in the new GI Joe... Rock on, The Rock.

645p... 18 seconds left, and the Pars are in range, in the Red Zone.

647p... Touchdown!!! Brady to Woodhead! PAT for the Pats coming up.

650p... Halftime. It's NYG leading the NE Pats 10-9. Now? Commercials for the NFL... A local ad for Schaeffer Eye Center... Arby's... And Shunnarah law Firm.

701p... I feel like there are some people who should just retire. Brett Favre. Michael Jordan. Harrison Ford. People who are past prime and sticking around longer might destroy their legacy of greatness they have left.

702p... And for our halftime show, Madonna!!

708p... So, MIA and Nikki Minaj are joining Madonna and... NBC13 just goofed up as we go to a local blue screen...

711p... And we hear her new song, then classic "Open Your Heart", followed by "Like a Prayer", along with CeeLo Green.

719p... Clint Eastwood narrated a commercial that makes me want to go out and punch an Arab in the throat. Or a Democrat. USA! USA!!

723p... And the 2nd half begins with the Pats starting on offense... And Ochocinco is in the game and gets a catch!

728p... Touchdown Patriots! And the game is on! NE 17, NYG 9

729p... Tomorrow... Smash starring Debra Messing and Kat McPhee. I'm so in.

731p... A poorly filmed Yellawood ad making the Super Bowl? Wow. Down year for the ads.

731p... A shot of Brady leads Tommy McL to ask, "Is he wearing a power glove? I can never tell..."

735p... Random thought. The LA Raiders won about 17,097,233 championships according to Tecmo Bowl--Bo Jackson was the most unstoppable player in video game history.

738p... The NYGiants get 3.

739p... A terrible Fiat commercial... And a Pepsi Max ad.

741p... Me: not to often do you see a black dude named "Chung"
Mikey: I was waiting for someone to say that.

745p... Acura with a winner featuring Seinfeld, The Soup Nazi and Jay Leno.

747... And down goes Brady! Down goes Brady!

748p... Budweiser... Another Bridgestone ad... More The Voice... And back to see a big hit on Tom Brady...

754p... The Giants are at the 10... Eli is sacked... The NYG have to settle for a field goal... Score now? The Pats 17, The Giants 15

756p... What?! These two teams played in the Super Bowl a few years ago? The Giants won, ruining the Patriots attempt at a perfect season? I haven't heard any of this! Why havent
the networks discussed this at length?!

807p... And the Matthew Broderick takeoff on Ferris airs... And it's funny... But even better? A Met Life ad that brings out the Peanuts cast, leading old school cartoon characters like Voltron, He-Man, Sherman & Peabody, Richie Rich and so many more. Met Life for the win.

815p... Mikey says, "I guess I didn't realize how good Eli was...", leading to a quick conversation about how good Eli is or isn't...

818p... After two bumbling plays by the Giants, resulting in terrible yard losses, the Pats get away with a interference. They flash to NYG coach Tom Coughlin, who I think dropped a bad word.

821p... A rather amusing Kia commercial, but amusing mostly because of an inside joke that we were sharing here, laughing at someone else's expense. We are horrible people.

825p... Samsung Galaxy phone, featuring The Darkness... And another The Voice promo...

829p... It's late 4Q, and Brady is driving for the knock out punch... Looks like a fourth title for the Pats... Barring a collapse...

831p... Which might happen... The Pats drop a few key catches... And here comes Eli.

835p... A fantastic catch by the Giants draws a challenge by Belichek, but there's no way this gets reversed. It was a legit, great catch.

840p... Lucius Malfoy has a new show coming up!

841p... A buck-thirty left, NYG at the 7

844p... NYG's Bradshaw gets to the 1, and in a huge "suck it, pats", he falls backwards into the end zone... A TD they didn't want, because now Brady has 50 seconds. NYG 21, NE 17

849p... The Pats are in a 4th and 10... Two dropped passes and a sack puts them dead to rights... And he tosses one up the field for a first!!

851p... 9 seconds left!

853p... HAIL MARY dropped. The New York Football Giants defeat the Patriotic New Englanders 21-17. Eli 2, Peyton 0. Oh, Brady, still 3.

Arches, Portlandia and Backstories Aplenty (an idol recap)

It's Portland, Oregon.  So says the caption.  And as the video begins of people packing, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "I think... I think that caption said AUDTION day..."  I looked around, rewound it back, and instead of "AUDITION"... its "AUDTION".  She remarks, "Who is in charge of that?!"

We see the Idolites on the road, walking in the civic center, and the dorky guy giving a thumbs up... he's wearing a Coke shirt, which I am sure was planned for a shot at TV time.  Well played, dork man, well played.

THIS IS 


AMERICAN


IDOL

Notably, this is the area my buddy Mikey, co-host of The Deucecast, hails from.  He's a diehard U of O Ducky fan through and through.

The thousands and thousands of people line the stadium seats, screaming.  All wanting their shot.  They all want this so badly.  They have been wanting this all their lives.  This means so much to all of them.

Our first Idolite of the night is Brittany Zika, who tells us in her BACKSTORY ALERT video that she is a huge Sara Bareilles fan--so am I, so that's cool. However, she sings "The Story" by Brandi Carlile, and actually sounds alot like Brandi Carlile.  She takes off her dorky glasses and dorky hat, and has a Rachel Leigh Cook in "She's All That" moment, where cute girl becomes cuter girl merely by discarding accessories.  All three YES votes send her to Hollywood.

A comical video shows a dude that burps while clearing his throat (causing The Lovely Steph Leann to wince), blowing his nose, picking his nose, bumping his chest and hocking a loogie.  His name is Ben, and he's from Philadelphia... and he's come across the country to come to Portland.  And they are setting this guy up to be horrible... the fact that he says "I'm singing "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga tells me that this is going to be bad... and I am right.  An attempt at another song has this scrawny white guy busting out some Nicki Minaj junk... and its not so good.

"I get the feeling its a NO," Ben says.  And he would be right.  He blames the fact his throat hurts and that he's stuffy and sick.  Wow.  Its nice to have a full, terrible audition.

So, we get back from commercial and its already afternoon.  Two auditions, and its after lunch.

Jermaine Jones... BACKSTORY ALERT!!!.. is up next, and I have a feeling that this is going to be a pretty good audition.  Jermaine says, in the video, "I'm a mama's boy!" as he hugs his mama.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Aren't all black men 'mama's boys?'"

Big Jermaine is 6'8 and a half tall.  That's my best mate Wookiee size!  Jermaine is singing "Superstar" by Luther Vandross, or at least Luther's version, as its a Carpenter's song.  Randy the Dawg is all about it, as is Creepy Uncle Stevie.  J-Lo is smiling big... all three toss out a YES vote for Big Jermaine, though they do tell him to loosen his nerves a bit.

That's Day One in Portland, Oregon, with two of three auditioners making it to Hollywood.  I'm sure their were more, but we haven't seen them.   Day Two begins with J-Lo coming in and asking for a pair of black tights from a production assistant.  Diva.

BACKSTORY ALERT!!  This blonde chick with two kids shows up with a big group, all wearing "I (heart) Britnee" shirts.  So, Britnee Kellogg, 27, is here to sing for her two beautiful boys... she was married to a basketball player, and she gave up her singing dreams for his b'ball dreams, but when he ended up chasing other women, she chased her own dream.  Idol.   She's singing, "You're No Good", ironically.   Love it.

This chick is singing with full passion, with a big "suck it" to her ex.  Three YES votes and the family comes parading in.  J-Lo tells her to take her kids with her if she makes it, because "you never leave your family!"

And now, 21 year old Sam Gershman, who is one of those annoying, dance around, look stupid and act stupid all the time kind of chicks.  She is singing "I'm a Woman" by Helen Reddy.  I'm wincing, though I'm afraid she might be good enough to pass through.  Creepy Uncle Stevie says its a little too Broadway... J-Lo is agreeing.  Randy the Dawg says NO, and both the other judges nod in agreement.  Thank you!

NERD ALERT!!  David Weed comes strolling in, vest, square glasses and goofy curly hair, complete with spots of acne and self-deprecating humor.  He's going to sing "Tom Sawyer" by Rush, which is a little surprising that he wold even know who Rush is.  As all the blood Rushes to his head, turning his face beet red, he fails miserable.

You know this is bad when Randy the Dawg says, "Got anything else you like to do beside sing?" and when he says, "Stand up comedy...?" he shares a horrible joke that The Lovely Steph Leann laughs at.   In his post-audition interview, he says, "For 22 years, people told me I've got an incredible voice, but those three hated it..."

The next contestant is Romeo Diahn... BACKSTORY ALERT!!!... from the country of Liberia.  We hear of his escape from Liberia's civil war and his coming to America.  And now, he's living the dream... by going after American Idol.  I would expect that attendance for Liberian Idol is a bit low, as is the voting participation.

He's singing Bob Marley, I believe, and though he sounds alot like Bob Marley, I can't tell you I like it, because I don't like Bob Marley.  At.  All.  I hate reggae music.  Hate it.  And that was this.  Good voice, bad song.   Creepy Uncle Stevie and Randy the Dawg say YES, and J-Lo says YES, though reluctantly... more of a yes.

Naomi Gillies, 22, is asking Creepy Uncle Stevie to sing one of his songs, that being "Crazy".  Of course he says yes, and she starts... a little low, an alto voice to be sure, but seems to really have the hang of the song.  Three YES votes, including a "That's how you do it!" from Randy the Dawg.

And here is the bad voice montage, seeing NO votes over and over, and broken dreams and slumped shoulders and teary eyes.  And some middle fingers and even a camera push by a few upset Idol failures.  Seacrusty says, "This is too depressing... let's see if this next contestant can lift our spirits"... and this is going to be bad, as we go back to Geek Boy from the beginning of the episode, with the Coke shirt on.

Sometimes I get the feeling that when Seacrusty talks to certain people, he wants to just punch them in the face.  Like this guy, Ben Harrison.  His face is pink, he has a baby-face look, and his hair is all bushy and weird.  And he's singing "Somebody to Love" by Queen... and Campbell doesn't like it, as he starts to whimper.

Next shot is Ben walking out of the room to his family with no Golden Ticket in his hand.

The Last Audition of the Day... which gives us a BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  Idolite after Idolite comes out of the audition room with a NO vote.  But for Jessica Phillips, from Brooklyn, NY, this is more than just a dream.  Its an attempt at a better life.  Jessica's boo, D'Angelo, had a stroke last year, and she's been his caretaker since then, helping him walk and helping him learn to speak again and such.  In broken words, D'Angelo struggles on camera to say, "Honestly... I would be... no... no where... with not her..."  Wow.

I really want her to be good.  Don't do this to us, Idol.

"Again" by Faith Evans is her song of choice, as Jessica compose herself to jump right in... and sounds great.  Of course, this is remeniscent of last year's Chris Medina, dating his girl who was in an accident, and how he's taken care of her.  Jessica gets three YES votes--duuuuh!!!!--and comes out to D'Angelo who says, "I.... love you..."

45 Golden Tickets were handed out for Hollywood this week, making what, 988 so far?  Lots of Golden Tickets.

And now... on to Thursday's episode... and St. Louis!

Let's take you back to 2004, to Oklahoma.  There's a chick named Carrie, living in a country house, talking with a country accent, wondering about that American Idol contest coming up and how she might do.  Eight years later, a few things have changed.  From milking cows to winning Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs, Carrie Underwood is a true (last) Idol success story.

The cameras follow her to St. Louis, where she auditioned.  Jesus, take the wheel.   So, now we come back to The Arch City...

THIS IS ALSO

AMERICAN

IDOL

There is a crowd of 10,000, hoping to live the dream and become the next superstar, or at least, the next act signed to Jive Records with hopes of making a tolerable song.

Randy the Dawg, J-Lo and Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler sign autographs, take pics and kiss babies... and then take their Thrones of Audio Judgement.

BACKSTORY ALERT!!  Here's a dude named Johnny Keyser, who is all about his dad, who is all about his son Johnny.  JK is doing "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke, one of those songs that, if you are going to sing it, you gotta bringz it.  Its too powerful of a song to screw it up.  Johnny stops singing, and J-Lo says, "Keep singing!"  Truthfully, he does sound really good.  Really, really good.

This would be the kind of guy that Paula Abdul would be slipping her room key to.  Three YES votes and he is on his way!

And here's a montage of Hall of Shame Auditions--Statue of Liberty guy, Apple Girl, Falsetto Bearded Man and of course, William Hung.  As an homage to "The Artist", Idol does a "silent film" musical minute, letting us see judges reactions to terrible voices, without having us hear the terrible voices.  Um... thank you?

Rachelle Lamb, from Missouri is 27.. and... you know what this means?  BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  She's going through a divorce, and its a story like Britnee Kellogg from the above recap.  Rachelle is doing this for her daughter, she tells us.

And for added effect, Rachelle brings her daughter Madison into the audition room.  She tells us of her ex and its not a good ending.  She's going to sing "Find Somebody New" by Faith Hill, and immediately, I'm digging her voice.  Dedicated to her ex, Rachelle sounds awesome.

Creepy Uncle Steven thinks she's great.  J-Lo loves the passion.  Randy the Dawg loves the pure tone... which results in three YES votes!

The Lovely Steph Leann remarks, "I find it very interesting that we are seeing a lot of women who's former men have held them back... maybe a correlation between J-Lo and Marc Anthony, since they split up...?"  I concur.

Here's a bad voice, though!  Some dude named Oliver--last name unimportant because he ain't cutting it--is butchering Seal so bad that Heidi Klum is probably cracking up.  And we're seeing some terrible ones here... "Rolling in the Deep" is rolling in the crap with this guy.  And Fat Elvis is killing off "The Thunder Rolls".  Poor Garth.

Riee Kloeckner was bullied in high school.  TEARJERKING BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  From a small school, he was transferred to a big school, and was bullied by the bigger kids.  But, he joined the choir,  and all is well.  I'm waiting for the words "...and I came out of the closet..."

He's singing "Lean on Me", and it sounds pretty good.  He might be a gayer, thinner version of Chunky Beiber from last season.  The Lovely Steph Leann says he sounds like Jason Mraz... and three YES votes sends Gay Beiber on to Cali!

Creepy Uncle Steven is out in the audience, giving the next dude up some encouragement.  Ethan Jones, 22, has himself a bleeding forehead, accidentally scratching himself in the waiting room.  His dad was a rock band guy too, and spent alot of time in rehab for substance abuse.  Oh, wait, I forgot to warn you... BACKSTORY ALERT!!  Anyway, Ethan supports his dad, and is singing Edwin McCain's "I'll Be".   And thankfully, after that hard story, Ethan is good.  He's sporting a red, sunburned neck.  Not that that means anything, but I thought I'd mention it.

Truly, now that I'm not hearing "I'll Be" every five minutes on the radio, I can say that I dig that song quite a bit.  Edwin McCain has a great voice.

And we kick off Day Two with a montage of our varied contestants... and now, we got a guy who actually works at the hotel where the auditions are being held.  Apparently, he just decided to audition like, now.  Dressed in his serving gear, he's ready!  And he's flanked by a bunch of others that work here...

Mark Ingram, 28, is singing Stevie Wonder's "Overjoyed", and starts strong, but hits a tough voice crack in the middle... and another.  The staff flanking him loved the song.  The judges however... not so much.  So when Mark Ingram starts singing again, it gets worse.  J-Lo even says, "I wanna say yes to you so bad... but I just can't."  And he sings another song, and it gets even worse.  Stop singing, Mark Ingram!  Go back to running the ball for the Saints!   Three NO votes, deservedly.

And our last audition of the day belongs to Lauren Grey, 22, complete with her own BACKSTORY ALERT!!  She has a famous family in her small town of Hardy, Arkansas--they own a one-stop wedding shop, with a grungy old dad who sets up weddings by day and sings in a band at night.  Her dad looks like an old, less boozy Eddie Van Halen.

She's doing some Adele, and nails it!  Booming voice, strong tone, and all the judges, The Lovely Steph Leann and myself--even Campbell--can dig it.  

Randy the Dawg's shirt looks like an Astro-Pop.  Just sayin'.

Anyway, Lauren Grey gets not three, but six YES votes.   Three of them, and three here at The Cabana...  good job.

So, that's St. Louis.  A total of 46 Golden Tickets were given out here, and that makes the grand total now around 250 or so.

Next week... its perhaps my favorite, if not a tie for first on my list... its Hollywood Week.  Where dreams are puffed up in auditions to be deflated and crushes in Round 2.  We even get the patented, "Give me one more chance, and I'll show you!!" said by someone who more than likely just got cut.

NEXT WEEK!!  Hollywood awaits.

Time, Love and Tenderness: The Michael Bolton List

I started to talk about my fandom of early Michael Bolton last week, but decided it was too much to squeeze into a two paragraph sidebar amongst an Idol recap... so, here is my "Mike Bolton Post" as promised... Did you know that The Bolt released a total of FIVE albums, starting in 1975 with his self titled debut "Michael Bolotin" (his real name), before hitting it big with his 6th release, "Soul Provider"?  My man has been around awhile... and you might think this entire post is in jest, is making fun... and you might be right, partly.  But honestly?  I dig Bolton, ever since I remember him really hitting it big in the late 80s.  I'm old enough to admit it without shame.  So, I nod my head to The Bolt and say, "Good job".

So here we go... my own personal Bolton Top Ten...

Honorable Mention... 

"Don't Make Me Wait for Love"... I couldn't officially list this as one of my favorite Bolton tunes, because technically, its a Kenny G song.  Kenny G did this with a dude named Lenny Williams on his 1987 album "Duotones", but recorded another version of it with Michael Bolton for Kenny G's live album, appropriately titled "Kenny G Live!", in 1989.  Personally, I like the Lenny Williams version better, if only because the video is so frakkin' ridiculous (and never shows Lenny at all, its just Kenny G running around looking all curly headed, macking on all his chicks).  

When Kenny G plays his sax on the porch, the Unintentional Comedy 
Scale blows through the roof.

10) "When a Man Loves a Woman"... For my money, there's nothing better than when Michael Bolton sings "When a Man Loves a Woman."  I celebrate his entire catalogue.  

Do you own this album?  No?  You should.

9) "When I'm Back on My Feet Again"... Sometimes we all need a little inspiration, and Track #7 on "Soul Provider" provides just that.  It's not necessarily a song about love, though it could be.  Its about a tragedy, one that knocks you down, one that puts your butt on the floor, one that rocks your world, nay, turns it upside down, inside out and back over again.  And this song centers on how you deal with that tragedy... a promise of, "One day..."   As in, one day, I'm going to break these chains around me.  One day, I'm going to learn how to fly again.  One day, these tears will all be dry. Soon these eyes will see the sun--might take time, but I'll see it.  You know, when I'm back on my feet again.  

Though I'd have to go and dig the box out to confirm, I do believe that this is the only cassette single I own by The Bolt.  Awesome.  

8) "Love is a Wonderful Thing"... Now this tune, from "Time Love and Tenderness", is most notably famous for its lawsuit that followed the release.  When this song hit big in 1991, reaching #4 on the charts, The Isley Brothers had a big problem with it... because, they claimed, that it sounded a lot like their own 60s release, strangely titled "Love is a Wonderful Thing".   In 1994, the courts of this great land declared that yes, Bolton's song had many similarities beyond the title, ruled that Mike B and his team had to pay The Isley Brothers all profits from the song, plus 28% of the entire album's profits.  This ended up being in the neighborhood of $5 million or so, after all was said and done.  And the ironic part was that The Isley Brothers' original song wasn't even that big of a hit, recorded in 1964, but not even released on a single until 1966, where it languished between #125 and #101 on the pop charts.

The verdict was appealed, of course, and ran all the way up to the US Supreme Court where in 2001, it refused to review the case at all, upholding the original verdict.

I always hated that this song had such legal issues... Its fun, its peppy, its easy to sing and its catchy.  Awesome.

7) "That's What Love Is All About"... Such a sweet song, all about a couple who have been through everything and back again, yet they are still together.  They are simply two hearts who have found a way, somehow, to keep the fire burning.  Something they couldn't live without, and if it took forever, they were going to work it out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, cause you see, this is what love is all about.

See, finding the good times is easy--but the hard times?  Well, they can tear you apart.  There will be times in your heart when the feeling is gone... what do you do?  Well, you keep on believing.  You keep holding on.  Duh.

I can imagine this song being a popular song at a 50th anniversary vow re commitment celebration.  Awesome.

6) "How Can We Be Lovers"... Truly a question for the ages, featured on "Soul Provider", one asked by men and women of each other, and of themselves, since the dawn of time.  A question that, when asked, hangs in the air, itself asking, NAY, demanding (!) and answer.  A question that truly wants to know how this relationship will not only work, but how it will even begin.

That question is quite simply... "How can we be lovers when we can't be friends?"

Now, if that question doesn't throw you, if that doesn't make you too queasy, then there are follow up questions.... queries like, "How can we start over if the fighting never ends?"  And then, "How can we make love if we can't make amends?"

Then, a flat out command... TELL ME, how can we be lovers if we can't be, can't be friends.  See, going from friends to hookin' up is a common theme in pop music, but The Bolt puts a spin on it... you have two people who have a passion for each other... but can't get along as friends.  Thus the brilliance of this tune.  Awesome.

Michael Bolton's 7th album, and his glorious mullet

5) "Time, Love and Tenderness"... What a code to live by, eh?  When love puts you to the fire, when love puts you to the test, NOTHING heals a broken heart like Time, Love and Tenderness..."  Suffering from a terrible break-up?

According to the Bolt, you need three things.  First, you need Time.  Perhaps time doesn't heal all wounds, but it will make it better.  You need Love.  Maybe to replace the love lost, or just the love of your support group around you.  And finally, you need Tenderness. You need people to treat you with care.  And those people are the ones who you can call friends.  Great song.  Awesome.

4) "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You"... From "Soul Provider", this is originally a song made famous in 1983 by Laura Branigan (but The Bolt was a co-writer on this), this one is just heartbreaking.  I mean, right off the bat, we are talking about a broken relationship... "I could hardly believe it when I heard the news today, I had to come and get it straight from you", meaning that he didn't even find out from the chick, he had to find out second hand, then go to her to confirm it.  Confirm what, you ask?  "Said you were leaving, someone swept your heart away, and from that look upon your face I see its true..."  Not only did he find the info out second hand, he found it out even though SHE WAS LIVING THERE!!!  Great tune, Bolton's raspy voice only adds to the bitter lump of heart pains in this song.

This was the song that truly put him on the map, as it ended up being his biggest hit ever.  It became the first #1 single of the 1990s, staying at the top for 2 weeks, from January 6th through the 13th.  Awesome.

3) "Steel Bars"... Probably one of the best opening beats of any Michael Bolton song, it's a fast paced pop song that tells of a man who loves his woman to the point where she's got "steel bars" wrapped around him... as in, the bonds are so strong, they cannot be broken.   And if you can believe it, this song was co-written by Bob Dylan!

My favorite part... "Every desperate step I take, every desperate move I make, its clear to me... what can all my living mean, time itself is so obscene, time itself don't mean a thing, I'm still loving you!"  Awesome.

2) "Missing You Now"... Baby I just can't wait, til I see your face, takes away this loneliness inside!  When your close to my heart, right here in my arms, then and only then will I be satisfied, I'm missing you now!  But the prime part of this song is the video itself.

Open up with a young Teri Hatcher working as a sales clerk, perhaps at a gas station, giving some guy the change, while she listens to a male voice on the phone that says, "I can't even talk right now, I'm just... just locked in the studio, I'll be working real late.  Can I call you tomorrow?"  She says, "That'd be great.  I can't wait to see you."  

Smashcut to Michael Bolton, leaning over a wall phone in a recording studio, saying, "Just wanted to tell you I miss you."  Teri then replies, "I miss you too. Go to work," she smiles and hangs up.

And now, the song begins... "Talk to you but its not the same... as touching you... every time you whisper my name... I wanna run to you... we'll be together, it won't be long, it won't be long... but it feels like forever... and its hard to be strong..." The video cuts back and forth between The Bolt sitting on a stool, baring his soul into a hanging mic and Teri back at the gas station, looking in the distance and forlorn.  But then, we see flashbacks of how Bolt and Teri met, with his car breaking down, a mechanic looking under the hood, and Bolt looks up to see this ravishing Teri standing in the doorway, staring at him.  

Their romance blossoms, with wine and roses and the camera slowly panning over a window where the curtains are blowing, showing off the cool nighttime sky, and then over a bed where we see The Bolt and Teri giving kisses to each other.  I mean, who knows when they got married... that's why they are there, right? Right.

And outta nowhere, there's Michael Bolton and Kenny G, hanging out on a couch, laughing.  

Awesome.

1) "Soul Provider"... Bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna be... your soul provider... bay-bee I-I-I-I wanna stay that way... for the longest time!  Truly his first real hit of any kind, its the title track of the 1989 album of the same name.  "Soul Provider", the album, reached #3 on the pop charts, went 6 times platinum, and sold... get this... 12.5 MILLION copies worldwide.  And its his sixth album!  

This is truly my favorite Michael Bolton song, just because its a great song really.  Well written, well sung, good lyrics and... well, its Awesome.

BONUS BOLTON... Lest we forget "Forever Isn't Long Enough", an unreleased gem from the "Time Love and Tenderness" album.  See, the gist of the song is he wants her to ask him "How long will you love me?" and is answer is "Forever isn't long enough to give all my love to you...", which means he loves her lots and lots, because the word "forever" means from here to infinity, with no end, yet he says his love for her is actually beyond that, meaning beyond infinity, which is a really, really long time.  See what The Bolt did there?

He attempted to do the same thing with "Said I Loved You... but I Lied", which is really about a guy saying "the word 'love' isn't strong enough to convey my affections for you, my dear," and its just not a great song.  I consider this single the turning point and beginning of the downslide of The Bolt's career.  Don't even get me started on "Can I Touch You... There?"  Yeesh.

ALSO... The song "I Found Someone" is a song made hugely famous in 1987 by Cher, and it essentially resurrected her career.  However, did you know that the song was written by a guy named Mark Mangold, by Laura Branigan (yes, the one mentioned earlier in "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You") and by none other than The Bolt himself.   Branigan, who had hit the charts with "Gloria" and "Self Control", had "Axel F" composer Harold Faltermayer arrange "I Found Someone", but without a video to support it, it only got to #90 on the charts.

Cher picked it up for her 19th studio album, "Cher", in 1987 and with a big budget video that was heavily played on MTV, the song was huge.  Its also my personal favorite Cher song, and would rank somewhere in the 150 to 200 spot on my All Time Favorite Songs list.  Just a great tune.


The guy in this video, her love interest, was, at the time, her real life boyfriend... it made headlines in 1987, as he was 27 years her junior.

Anyway, The Bolt finally recorded his own version of this song and placed it on his 1995 album, "Greatest Hits 1985 - 1995", though after listening to it moments ago, I gotta tell ya... Cher's is better.  Her voice is perfect on it.

So, that's the Michael Bolton round-up for you folks, since you were dying to know.  

Tinker Tailor Snoozer... Sigh

With the addition of a new person in our house, something that we've always done freely--that is, go to the movies--has now entered "premium territory".  Anyone with children will just nod their heads in agreement when I say that with a child, you now much pick and choose what to do when you go out, because those times when you are free to do so are much fewer and far betweener... between.  Yeah, that.

So, when The Lovely Steph Leann had somehow convinced Mama Ruthless, her mom, to keep Campbell, allowing us an afternoon at the movies, we were excited.  Granted, there aren't a ton of movies out there that we are just dying to see, as January is known as a "movie dead zone", but two caught our attention... first was "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", a smart, dramatic British espionage drama starring a great cast, including Gary Oldman, Tom Hardy and the president of The Colin Firth Club himself, Colin Firth... second, the 9/11 drama "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close", starring Tom Hanks.   We also considered "The Artist", the much ballyhooed Oscar front runner, but decided to wait awhile longer on seeing it.

We both really wanted to see "The Descendants", the other Oscar Best Picture race leader, and had we been able to find it, we would have just gone there.  Alas, it wasn't playing locally yet--it actually doesn't hit wide release until this weekend... just looked.

So after a few texts and discussion back and forth, we decided on "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy".  I was kind of excited, because while I do enjoy stupid movies that don't require much thought process (hence my love of "Black Dog", "Beavis & Butthead Do America" and the Damon Wayan's award winning "Mo' Money"), I enjoy movies that challenge me and require me to connect dots.  "Inception" is a perfect example of a movie that I loved and was pumped to see again, to help me better understand it.

And then, we saw "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy".  Well, I saw it.  The Lovely Steph Leann sort of dozed through some of the slow parts... oh, who am I kidding--the whole movie is a slow part.

Apparently, there are a group of highly ranked officers in British intelligence, but one of them is a mole... that is to say, one of them is giving secrets to the Russkis and its all bad, because we don't know who it is, as one is called the Tinker, and one is called the Tailor and one is known as the Soldier and they are all spies and...

...and who cares.  Seriously.

The positive is that the movie looks good.  The drab color is very stylized and fits the pace of the movie well... there are few laughs, but truly, there doesn't need to be many.  The acting is good, with Gary Oldman even earning a Best Acting nod for the upcoming Academy Awards... perhaps he earned it, as his performance is very serious, very subdued and he looks very cool.

The negative?  Dear goodness this movie was slow.  And plodding.  And a little confusing, but I feel like had I  paid more attention, I would have understood it better... the problem is, I didn't want to pay attention.  With "Inception", it was so good, I was eager to understand it... With "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy", I could care less. If I see it again, or if I don't, whatever.

And when a movie makes me not care--not even hate it, but just not care--it's never a good thing. So, watch the flick with a few shots of espresso and some Red Bulls handy... Otherwise, you might end up with a nap lasting about 137 minutes. Just saying'.

Houston, We Have an Idol

Cue "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum... naturally.

Some 250 miles above the Earth's surface is a space station, and in that space station is an astronaut, and that astronaut is holding a microphone and telling us that he is an astronaut in a space station hovering some 250 miles above the Earth's surface... some 250 miles above Houston, Texas, above the lines of 10,000 people that are waiting to get into their auditions... those auditions that will help us find the next Lee DeWyze Taylor Hicks Ruben Studdard Carrie Underwood.

Seacrusty opens the show surrounded by a whole lotta Idol hopefuls as the music cues and the credits roll.  Let's get it on!

THIS 

IS AMERICAN

IIIIIIIDDDDOOOOLLLLLL

Nine times Idol has come to Texas, including the first set of auditions... where they found a young lady by the name of Kelly Clarkson.

And first, is a dude names Phong Vu, with an odd accent.  On camera, he starts tearing up about the possibility of being the next American Idol, and just being born in America to begin with.  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

He tells the judges he loves to sing female artists like Celina Dion. Yes, Celina.  And his rendition of "Unbreak My Heart" is probably making the wonderful Toni Braxton reach over and smack her sister.  Sista, even.  The Lovely Steph Leann has no blanket this time, nay, she's feeding Campbell... I think she's about to put the bottle down and cover her face with Campbell himself.  Wouldn't blame her.

Of course, its a NO from all judges.  And even after a NO, he does his best Derek Zoolander and busts out some iconic moves and looks, as he calls it.  And he promises us we'll see him next year.  One can only hope.

And in an unusual move, at least for this season, we see several bad auditions in a row, including three really back country dudes.

BACKSTORY ALERT!  Seventeen year old Skylar Laine, who we see doing a little deer hunting and fishing... we know this by the big deer head hanging on her bedroom wall.  She says, "I don't know if too many 17 year old girls hunt..." which means she's never been to South Alabama.  Her family owns a restaurant, which has hit hard times with the local economy.

She's doing "Hell on Heels" by the Pistol Annies, and sounds awesome.  Love this chick so far. Three YES votes and she's on her way to a Lauren Alaina future!

This is the first incarnation of Baylie Brown, before she was screwed over
by Antonella Barba in the Hollywood Round of Season 6

We see a montage of how some of the Idol hopefuls practice, in mirrors, in front of others, on the sidewalk, and so on.  BAYLIE BROWN IS BACK!  Holy crap!  Talk about one of the best ever and did one of the biggest flame-outs in Hollywood week.  That was five years ago?  Wow...

Now, Baylie is 21, and is singing "Bed of Roses" by Bon Jovi.  The Lovely Steph Leann gives Campbell and lighter, then holds him up and sways him back and forth.  Three YES votes and she's on her way... rock on.  I'm totally rooting for her.

And here comes Kristina Osorio, who, at 28 years old is at the maximum age limit--this is her one shot.  BACKSTORY ALERT!!!  We meet her kids, see her small home, and hear her hard story of the divorce she's going through right now.  She's also covered in tats.  That doesn't mean she can't sing... she took out a loan for her divorce lawyer and instead spent that money on a plane ticket to fly to Texas to audition.  Dave Ramsey would throw up.

She's pretty good, though, tats and all.  As she starts to sing, J-Lo looks up and whispers, "Thank God..."  Three YES votes and she's on her way to Hollywood!

Okay, so about 703p, right as it was coming on, we made the decision to watch Idol around 730, so we could skip through commercials via the magic of DVR.  In that time we could also eat dinner, I could get laundry worked on, I could make a bottle for Camp, The Lovely Steph Leann could do some dishes then feed him and so on.  In the background was one of my favorite guilty pleasures, "Grown Ups" from 2010.


So, about 724p, the screen goes black, and we see "PARTIAL SIGNAL LOSS" on the screen, meaing we couldn't watch the HBO channel it was one... lasted about five minutes or so.  Made me wonder how that would affect the DVR'ing of American Idol.. and now we find out.  We hear Seacrusty say, "Coming up after the break..." then the screen blips, then we go straight to this next chick being judged.  so, now we know.

When we come back, we see a contestant that apparenly just sang.. she giggles, "I'm about to pee myself" and Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Go ahead..."   He says YES, and Randy the Dawg says YES, while J-Lo says, "You need more experience, so NO."  After the chick leaves, J-Lo fusses at the boys and says, "When you watch this back, you are going to wish you'd sent her home."

Now we see a few clips of J-Lo saying NO to people, while the boy judges say YES.  Now we see Seacrusty with... well... you know those Idolites that the producers spot, and think, "There is no frakkin way this person will ever, ever, EVER make it to Hollywood, but this is good tv because we're going to make all kind of fun of this kid while making them feel like we are interested, and when they see it at home and realize we were totally making a debacle out of them, who cares, they'll be at home..."?  That's this guy.

Viva la Idol!

Big chunky dude who asks the judges to, "Grant me the power to bring revolution to the world through my music!"  Bad hair, bad ponytail, tight shirt tucked in... wow.  Alejandro Cazeres is singing "Thinks are Looking Up" by Paramore.  And for some reason, his tongue is blue.  Matches his shirt.  J-Lo tells him flat out his voice is not good enough for American Idol... and Alejandro begs for that chance to show the world what he can do, and how he will fight for the dream harder than anyone.

Randy the Dawg says, "Dude... your voice is terrible."  Alejandro gets on his knees to beg, "What can I do?! What can I do to make it!"  And the bouncer comes out and ushers him out.  Its never a good time when Big Hoss says, "Time to go" and puts his firm hand on your back to show you the door.  Viva la revolucion indeed.

And we now go to Day Two in Texas, as we see J-Lo in a tiny little top that stops about an inch below the bottom boob line.

Cortez Shaw is next with a BACKSTORY ALERT!  He used to be homeless, had a hard life, but believes in himself and his future.  He's kicking up "Someone Like You" by Adele, putting a little snap and rhythm to it... dude, I like this guy.  He sounds fun.

Randy the Dawg says, "What else you got?" while J-Lo says, "What?!  He was awesome!"  Cortez gets a YES from The Dawg and from J-Lo, and Creepy Uncle Steven says YES too.   Golden Ticket in hand, Cortez rushes out to his cheering family and friends.

The Idol Dream burns bright, as we hear about five Idolites say something about how they are the next Idol, or the next big thing.  Poor Adele.  "Rolling in the Deep" just got butchered, and no joke, Campbell just started whimpering.   Another bad rendition, this time of "Heard It Through the Grapevine"... were I the late Marvin Gaye, I'd come back and haunt this chick.

"Unbreak My Heart" makes another appearance by a guy (?) who makes The Lovely Steph Leann say, "Is that a girl?"  Randy the Dawg lowers his head behind the table to laugh.

And here we are, the last contestant of the day.  Rimino Garcia is from Houston, TX, and works as a worship leader.  BACKSTORY ALERT.. he was born with... get ready for this... no ears.  Surgeries repaired and built him ear canals when he was a youngling, and how he grew up learning how to hear.  His hair is a bit shaggy, so we cannot see the sides of his head.

"Amazing Grace" is his audition, and though its not fantastic, its also not bad.  He certainly sounds better than some of the people they have put through... and I really like this guy.  Creepy Uncle Steven likes him lots, too.  Randy the Dawg is hopeful for him, and says YES.  J-Lo says its a "leap of faith" and says YES too.

Rimino's dad is crying outside the door, even more so when Rimiro emerges with a Golden Ticket.  Awesome.  For all of Idol's emotional pandering, this was a good story.

A total of 55 Golden Tickets were given out in Houston (and Galveston, down the road, where some of the auditions were held), making the total bound for Hollywood like, 4,098 or something.  Seriously.  And next week, we head to the northwest in Portland, I believe.

And I'll be here giving you the note-by-note replay.  I watch it so you don't have to!

Aspen Idol Extreme

So I just got home from recording another excellent episode of The Deucecast, this our 39th show so far.  Click over to the website and listen to this weeks, or last week's, show.  Enjoy it!

Anyway, The Lovely Steph Leann is watching some Hallmark film starring Ben Stiller's wife in "Meet the Parents" , while Campbell Isaiah is zonked out on the couch, asleep under a comfy blankie.  So perhaps we should get to business before young one starts a'stirring..

I know its just local, but it still amuses me that some WBRC Fox 6 guy sold Pepsi the ad space right before a Coke sponsored show begins.

Here we are in Aspen... and here we are with...

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

The judges arrive in a FORD, while drinking COKE, in Aspen, Colorado, and Creepy Uncle Steven already makes a "hey, Aspen sounds like Aspirin!  Got a headache! Anyone got an... Aspen?" joke.  To be expected.

Seacrust says, "Aspen is peaceful, tranquil and oh so quiet..."  Cue the loud chick.  And there she is.

Jenni Shick, 24, from Virginia, tells us of a safe list of people that she and her boo can kiss and it won't be cheating.  Of course, Creepy Uncle Steven is on her list.  Of course.  She is singing some Pat Benatar, "Heart Breaker", which for me is a great song, but not a great audition.  Eh.

This chick bothers me.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "What's with the weird people being able to sing?"

Jenni gets three YES votes, kisses Creepy Uncle Steven and rushes out the door.

Curtis Grey bemoans the fact he had to get up early, 6am, to get in line for Idol.  This gets no sympathy from me, who is up at 355am or so to go to work.  He's singing "Its So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday", a song that is hard to master, mostly because Curtis is pasty white, not black and names Nate, Mike, Shaun or Wanya.

I'm completely not impressed with this guy, but Randy the Dawg loved him, J-Lo loved him and Creepy Uncle Steven loved him.  He's headed to Hollywood.

"I thought he was pretty good... he's got to open his eyes, thought," says The Lovely Steph Leann.

We get a triple-audition montage with three that we'll probably never hear from again, including one that might be this year's Scotty McCreery, if only for the deep voice.

And now here's Tealana Hedgespeth.  Seriously?  So, you have a last name like Hedgepeth, and you don't give her something easy like Shannon or Bonnie or Lindsey... you go with Tealana?

Anyway, Tealana is up, and she is telling us all about how she's lived under the shadow of her twin sister who apparently is much more talented... and let's say that it wouldn't take much for twin to be much more talented.  Wow.  We finally got us a good, long bad audition.  Tealana is wearing a romper that looked like a highlighter threw up all over it.

Three NO votes, and well deserved.   The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Hmmm..." then silence.

And here now is HALEY SMITH FROM UTAH.  She lives in a log cabin, is a vegetarian and IS 18 YEARS OLD.  Her voice annoys ME AND SHE GIGGLES GOOFY.  I type like this because this is HOW SHE TALKS.  She is very excited about THE END OF HER SENTENCES.  J-Lo is noticing HER 70s VIBE.  She's singing Rufus and Chaka Khan's TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD.

I'm just NOT A FAN OF HALEY.  SorRY.  And The Lovely Steph LEANN DIDN"T THINK SO EITHER.  However, Creepy Uncle Steven LOVES HER.  J-Lo and Randy the Dawg ALSO RAVE ABOUT HER.  Really?  ReaLLY?  Three yes votes send her TO HOLLYWOOD NOW.  AwesOME.

Alanna Snare is a bartender from Colorado who tells us about serving up Rocky Mountain Oysters, which are really bull nards.  The judges didn't know this, but I did.  Alanna sings butchers "Jolene" by Dolly Parton, and immediately, The Lovely Steph Leann says, "No. No.  No."

Shelby Tweten, 17... BACK STORY ALERT!  Just recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder (and so was she), she also deals with depression and has lots of meds to take.  She is from Minny-Soo-Tah.  She's singing some song called "Temporary Home", and though I like her voice, I didn't think it was special enough to warrant a backstory... but thats why I'm not a judge on Idol, I reckon.

J-Lo raves, as does The Dawg and Uncle Stevie.  Three YES votes, and she got herself a Golden Ticket.

And finally, we get us a good, solid bad-audition montage!  Thank you!  We even get a white chick, scatting, to "Stand By Me".

And Jairon Jackson, 19, from Denver, Colorado, is doing an original song called "So Hard".  Finally!  Someone I actually like!  All three judges like him quite a bit, and J-Lo even calls him a "lover".  Of course, his white wifebeater shirt is about 3 sizes too big... but he can figure that out as he heads to Hollywood, Golden Ticket in hand.

On the way out, Jairon is so excited, he leaps and knocks out an overhead light... good times!  Lights out!  Uh-huh!  Blast blast blast!  (who knows that reference)

Angie Zeiderman, 25, is a self-proclaimed "vintage glitter queen", and models herself after Lady Gaga.  She's doing some random show tune partly done with Swedish accent.  No, I didn't just make that up.   Then after a small disagreement of the judges, she does something more traditional, that being "Blue Bayou", and honestly, if I close my eyes, she sounds pretty good.  Then I open them, and realize she looks like a travesty, and know that I don't want her in my Hollywood round.  Three YES votes overrule me, though.  Blech.

And finally... can you say two words... Magic Cyclops.  Who left Iowa because of gambling debts.  He also says he has 11,000 air guitars, but there is a guy overseas that has had more.

He chalks up his English accent to watching lots of PBS on television growing up.  He sings Neil Diamond, sounds terrible, looks ridiculous and then transitions to "Margaritaville" upon J-Lo's request.

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "See, he can sing on cue, just sparingly..."  He gets a unanimous NO shout from all three judges.  And Magic Cyclops leaves, empty handed.

So now, we send 31 to Hollywood from Aspen, CO... and tomorrow night, we head to Houston for more Idol!

CHECK BACK HERE TOMORROW NIGHT, AS WE BLOG THE HOUSTON IDOL AUDITIONS

The 100 to 91st Coolest Things of 2011

Feels like we were just here, doesn't it?  I mean, with the coolest things of the year, right?  About a week or two ago, we learned how Melanie rules, my car is awesome, iLove my iPhone and "Inception" makes my head spin in a good way...but THAT was 2010.

We just passed 2011.  And in that year, cool things happen.  Which means its time to start our new list!  Now, perhaps we can finish it before December 29th of 2012, eh?

Quickly, though, for those of you who have never read this list before, its quite simply what I consider to be the coolest things of the past 12 months.  For the most part, stuff that has made this list before won't make the list again, because otherwise, I'd have a rolling list year after year that includes the same things like "Star Wars" and "Shawshank" and "Toy Story Mania" and My Darling Wife and so on;  rather, this is kind of "new things"--movies and shows I've never seen before this year, books I'd not read, experiences I'd not experienced, that sort of thing... and some of these things may have predated 2011, like a book that came out years ago, but it qualifies here if in fact I'd read it in 2011.

Enough chatter.  Here are The 100 Coolest Things of 2011, starting at the top:

#100... Auburn Wins the National Title
Perhaps that heading should actually say "Cam Newton" wins the national title.  There are two kinds of teams that win championships in college football... those with great teams, like the Alabama team that won it in 2009 (and subsequently, a few days ago for the 2011 season) and those with mediocre teams and one great, great player.  Auburn was the latter.  Cam Newton was electrifying... watching him run, watching him play was genius, probably a more trumped up version of watching a young Steve McNair at Alcorn State do magic in the air.   They were known as the Cardiac Cats, because they had this habit of falling behind early, many times to lesser opponents, then roaring back... and when they fell behind to a perhaps superior opponent, the Crimson Tide, they managed to get a score in at halftime--my bro-in-law Tyler was high fiving his dad, Big Daddy Ron, excited, celebrating and saying, "Yeah!  We are dominating!", while Ron simply smirked at the 20 point lead for the Tide saying, "This isn't enough.  I'm worried."  As well he should have been.

Anyway, it was kinda cool to see a program who hadn't won a title since '57 take it home, especially knowing its not likely to happen again.  See, while Alabama... and yes, The Go Gator Nation... build great teams, teams ready to sustain a few years of hug success separated by a year or two of so-so 9 win seasons, Auburn is awaiting its next great player.  Someday, perhaps.

Found on Twitter:  Its great that Alabama sandwiched its titles around Auburn's title.  Just like a good big brother should do.

#99... Got a "Pocket Full of Kryptonite", Ah...
The band is the Spin Doctors, the album is "Pocket Full of Kryponite", and the title is from a line in my favorite Spin Doctors tune, "Jimmy Olsen's Blues", one of my top 100 favorite songs of all time.  I owned this CD, though I don't exactly remember where I got it--what I do know is, it was completely scratched up, so much so that I'd never heard the entire CD because from Track 4 (a song called "Forty or Fifty") on, it would skip.

So during The Great CD Purge in the Summer of 2011, the scratched CD was one that hit the bricks.  I didn't mourn the loss of the album, yet I wish I had still owned it.  So, imagine my joy one day in late 2011 when I was touring 2nd and Charles, a used book/music/movie/electronic/everything/anything store, and I came across a copy, a like-new copy of "Pocket Full of Krytonite".  For like, $2.95.  Done and done.

Now that I own it, though, I must make an ironic confession... its really not that good of an album.  The two major singles, "Two Princes" (my senior cruise theme song) and "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong", plus the aforementioned "Jimmy Olsen's Blues", are the best part of the album by far.  Its not bad... but its not a great album.  But I do own it, and its the symbolism that counts, right?  Right.

#98... "Friends With Benefits"
Out of the three "friends who decided to hook up only as friends but somehow decided they liked each other" movies that came out within about 9 months of each other, this was by far and away my favorite.

Here's what I wrote on July 31st:

In my own (un)humble opinion, the far superior of the three films.  The script is funny and light, and more real than the rest (the hilarity of the first hook up is a great example), the jokes are funny, and there is great on-screen chemistry between Mila and JT.  You end up liking both characters a lot, and by the time you find out Dylan's story--father with the beginning stages of Alzheimers--it doesn't feel like a ploy to get you to like him because you already do.  Jenna Elfman shows up as Dylan's sister and plays the part great (and cameos from Emma Stone, Andy Sandburg, Rashida Jones and Jason Segel are great too) and the whole romance is entirely believable this time around.  I liked this film alot, and will probably be the only one of the three to appear on The 100 Coolest Things of 2011...

See... I knew.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of The Colin Firth Club, The Lovely
Steph Leann's Hollywood Boyfriend himself, Colin Firth.

#97... Colin Firth Wins the Oscar
Not much to say here, except that its always great when an actor who you know deserves to win an Oscar once in his career actually wins one, and its even greater when that Oscar is not considered by the masses to be a "lifetime" award, but a win for an actual singular performance... hence, Colin Firth wins Best Actor for his portrayal of the king in "The King's Speech", a great, great film.

Much like my excitement when my dear Kate Winslet won her award a few years back, The Lovely Steph Leann was beside herself when her man, Colin First, the president and namesake of The Colin Firth Club, took home the ultimate acting prize.  Now, if only Amy Adams would win one for me, and Hugh Jackman for The Lovely Steph Leann.

#96... "My Strange Addiction"
Holy crap, have you seen this show?  What a weird show.

Its one of those shows that the title gives you all you need to know... it documents real people who have real, strange addictions... like the chick who carries the urn with her late husbands ashes in it, everywhere she goes.  Oh, and she likes to eat the ashes by licking her finger, sticking it in the urn, and licking them again.

Eating is a big deal... there's the chick who drinks bleach... and the chick who eats foam cushions... and the chick who is addicted to eating toilet paper.... and the chick who not only pulls her hair out, but eats the follicles... and the chick who eats dryer sheets.  Lest you think that just the chicks have issues, which they do, there is the guy who likes to eat glass.

And of course, there is the dude who lives his private life as a baby, complete with diaper and giant crib... and the girl who wears a bunny suit everywhere she goes.... the chick who sleeps with her hair dryer... the list goes on.

What a weird show... weird, and yet a fascinating look at the human condition.

#95... Edge Bows Out 
When my best mate Wookiee, Big Tom and myself ventured to Atlanta in April, we witnessed something that you will find ranking high, high on this list, that being WrestleMania.  And in that event, we were able to see a legend wrestle in the opening match, successfully defending his World Heavyweight Title against Alberto del Rio.  The match was decent, nothing to spectacular, but was cool to see the Rated R Superstar, the Ultimate Opportunist, that being Edge himself, take the squared circle.

We didn't know it would be his last match.  Ever.

A week later, the following Monday, I'm at home in The Cabana, watching WWE Raw as I'm known each week, and Edge comes out.  Typically, the guys come out and do a trash-talk routine, or discuss who they are feuding with and so on, maybe even call out someone from the back and do a one-on-one confrontation that always ends in them punching each other and knocking over a table.  However, Edge took a different tone.  He started out discussing the realities of wrestling, the dangers and the real-life toll it takes on people.  He told us about the seriousness of a previous neck injury which resulted in the fusing of his cervical vertebrae, and the numbness he'd been feeling in the last few months.  Then, he told us of the MRI he recently had and how he had, in the last week, been diagnosed with cervical spinal stenosis.  And finally, he said the real-life doctors would now no longer clear him to compete, as an injury to his spine at this point could result in partial- or full-paralysis... or even death.


You think you know me.  Thank you, Edge.

And right there, Edge retired.  Winner of a record 31 championships in his career, and it was all over... and it wasn't like he could come out of retirement and do a match here or there, like Kevin Nash or Booker T, or even do his patented moves randomly, like Shawn Michaels does with his Sweet Chin Music... no, for Edge, its over.  He has made appearances here and there, but knowing that one missed fall, or one single move that didn't go quite right could kill you?  Done.

I tip my hat to Adam Copeland... you haven't always been my favorite, but its been a joy watching you be a heel all these years.

#94... "Fast Five"
What an absolute piece of crap movie.  A piece of crap movie that I love, one that months after I saw it, I pondered on how ridiculously stupid it was... but if ever there was a movie that lined up with the word "Craptacular", then this piece of glorious poop would be it.

I think we will look back in a few years at the crap that has come out, and rank "Fast Five" along side of "Con Air", "The Expendables" and "Armageddon" as the most beloved, improbable crap of our age.  And its a darn sight better than The Rock's other movie this year, "Faster".  Yeesh.

#93... "50/50"
I'm a fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogan, but I was still surprised about how good this movie was--and how great Seth Rogan is as Jo-Go-Lev's best buddy, when Jo-Go-Lev's Adam gets cancer and has to learn to deal with it.  And the appearance of Anna Kendrick doesn't hurt in the least.

Here's what I had to say:

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, in a fair world, would be sniffing an Oscar nomination, at the least a Golden Globe nod, because his performance is awesome.  I love this guy in "Inception", as his character is one of the coolest cats out there, but he tops himself in "50/50".  I enjoy Seth Rogen being goofy in any number of movies, but his semi-serious turn that he couldn't nail in "Funny People" is nailed here.  Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't have a huge role, but does it right, while Anna Kendrick shines as Katherine, just like she does as Natalie in "Up In the Air", a movie which is quickly becoming one of my all time favorites. (note:  "Up in the Air" currently ranks as my 14th favorite film of all time--d$)

Loved this film, one of the best I've seen this year... however, this movie is not for kids, as the language flows pervasive and free flowing, and there is a few uses of the Mary Jane plant... there is one sex scene, though you really don't see anything, and it ends a little different than you would think, almost in a sympathetic fashion.  Its about an hour forty-five or so, maybe a little less, but it is paced really well and honestly, its one of those rare movies that I didn't want to end.

Read the entire review from September 29th by clicking here.

#92... The Aladdin Stage Show
Its no secret that one of my very favorite attractions at Walt Disney World is the "Finding Nemo: The Musical" show at Disney Animal Kingdom.  Being fans of Broadway style shows, "Disney's Aladdin: A Musical Spectacular" was circled on our list of things to do when The Lovely Steph Leann and I went to Disneyland this past May.

Located in California Adventure, it takes place in the 2000 seat Hyperion Theater at the end of Hollywood Boulevard.  The show itself is only similar to "Finding Nemo" in that its a musical stage show, but its great nonetheless.  In the 45 minute show, many of the classic scenes and songs from the movie are recreated onstage, and they even move some of the action into the audience, like Aladdin's arrival in the song "Prince Ali". There are flying carpets, magic lamps, great special effects, a lovely Jasmine, a handsome Aladdin and a convincingly evil Jafar... but the crown jewel of the show, like the movie, is The Genie.  Whether he's like that always, I cannot speak, but in the show we watched, the actor portraying Genie was brilliant.

If you are ever in the area and have a chance to check out Disneyland, or at least California Adventure, make this a must-do.  We loved it.

#91... "Something Borrowed"
Yes, yes, its a total chick flick, and yes, it was blasted by critics, and yes, the heroine of the movie is the chick who actually does the home wrecking and man-stealing in the movie, but you know what?  I liked it.  Sue me.

Coming up:  Getting the Help... Needing a dollar, dollar... and Gods of Thunder... and later, one of the best documentaries of the year is about... a coffee burn?

Cruising the USS Idol

We were going to watch this last night, but after the game featuring the 49ers of San Francisco and the New York Football Giants went into overtime (with the Giants winning 20-17) and not ending until almost 10, I declared that Idol was a Monday viewing appointment.

So, here we are!  Its Monday afternoon, and here I am, in front of the laptop... The Lovely Steph Leann is on the couch, blankie in hand... however comma a new edition to the party.  Its Campbell Isaiah, in the house.  Not sure he'll have much input in the whole show, but if he throws up during a certain contestant, I'll let you know what he thinks.

10,000 hopefuls arrive... with a dream to change their lives... what they don't know is... this audition is unlike any other... cause tonight, the audition takes place on the deck of the USS Midway, docked in San Diego Harbor.  (and yes, Top Gun theme music is playing, and no, I'm not kidding)

THIS 

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Randy the Dawg comes in, flanked by J-Lo and Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven... they are sitting at a table, and behind them is a wide open area, with a jet airline.

First up?  Chick in a bikini top and shorty shorts.  Seacrusty actually makes her take the stairs twice... to get a glance at the posterior side of our first contestant.  Creepy Uncle Steven loves her already.  Jennifer Diley, 19, is doing some Jessica Simpson, and finally... finally... a bad audition.

The Lovely Steph Leann whispers, "Uh uh" and says nothing more.

Randy the Dawg and J-Lo both say no, and Jennifer Diley wants to sing "Hero" by Mariah Carey... and it gets worse.  And Idol plays "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin.  San Diego starts with a bust, as Seacrusty tells us as the camera gets a torso shot of our failed brunette.

Single mom Ashley Robles, 26, is a DJ and a admin chick and works like, four jobs and such... that's admirable.  She's singing "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney... and she's not bad.  I feel like this song should be banned from Idol forever.  She gets to the "IIIIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuuuuu" part and nails it.  The fact that the judges let her go the entire first verse, entire chorus and the ending fade is huge...

She gets a big fat YES from all three.  Word.

Songwriter Jayrah Gibson, 26, says, "I was literally told 'you can't write, you can't sing, you can only sing..." Wait... what?  He offers the judges his own song called "Shake Yo' Moneymakah" for J-Lo.  Wait... what?  He's singing "Just Friends" by someone, I think... he's a little annoying, but his voice has that young Usher, Shai kind of sound.   Randy the Dawg is all about him.  Creepy Uncle Steven loved him.  J-Lo looks forward to his music in Hollywood.  Three YES votes.

"They enjoyed my presence, they just just just... just just they just just just j-j-just loved me..."  Wait... what?

Aubree Dieckmayer, 20, has her family here with her to encourage her to become a singer and America's Next Top Model... whaaaaaaa?   The producer says, "Top Model?" and she giggles, tries to recoup and has a hard time spitting out "America's next American Idol".

She's singing "Feeling Good" by... well, she says "Michael Buble", but this is a Nina Simone song, one of my top 20 songs of all time.  Yes, Buble does it well, but Nina Simone's version is right, tight and outta sight.   This chick does well, really good even, but I don't like her because she's stupid.  You can just tell she's an idiot.  She's someone who voted for Obama because he seemed cool, and thinks free healthcare is free.  She goes to Hollywood, but I'm rooting for her to flame out, because she's a moron.


Nina Simone, Feeling Good.  Sounding awesome.

Ali Shields, 19, got on the America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG Show recently, after writing her a song that told her how big of a fan she was.  So America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeG sent her as part of a correspondent team to some awards show, then got a smacky kiss from Usher and Mike Posner.  She is in love with Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler.

And for her audition, she raps.  And ghetto booty shakes.  Randy the Dawg laughs, and asks her to sing.  So finally, Booty Ali busts out with a little tune, and isn't that bad.  So far, no one has truly impressed me, though no one has asked me my thoughts.  Randy the Dawg says YES, J-Lo says she loves her, and we know that Creepy Uncle Steven loves her.

They show her with her Golden Ticket after the audition.  Holy crap she's obnoxious.

Day 2 arrives in San Diego, as do the judges, with J-Lo missing parts of her dress.  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "I can't wait to hear 40 people sing the same Adele song for 40 #(*$* hours!"

Kyle Crews is a Kappa Alpha at UC-Berkley and admittedly has a habit of serenading the chicks that come over to the frat house.  He's going to sing Monica's "Angel of Mine".  I kinda wanted him to be bad, and thought he's got this weird vibrato thing, he's pretty good.  He kinda looks like Casio Kid from The Rick & Bubba Show.

A prime example of great lenses, bad frames... great voice, bad voice container.  The judges send him to Hollywood.  Maybe a Clay Aiken in the makin'.... good one, d$!!

Joanne Childers, 26, is in the middle of her version of Ingrid Michelson's "The Way I Am", a song I really dig, when the ships horn starts blaring.  We then see a montage of Idol hopefuls interrupted by various ship sounds, horns and the like.

BACKSTORY ALERT!!  Here comes a waitress mom who seems very toothy.  And why?  Because her dad is Jim Carrey.  Her name is Jane Carrey, and she's ready to make her own name.  She totally has the same mouth, and The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Her eyes too".

J-Lo says, "I was one of the fly girls!  Remember me!  I know your dad!" referring to In Living Color from back in the day.  Jane Carrey sings, "Something to Talk About"... its not over the top, but its got potential.  She gets a YES from everyone and she's off to Hollywood.

Why the frak-a-lak is this chick waiting tables as a single mom?  Her dad is Jim Carrey!

A montage of chicks who get Golden Tickets, while "California Gurls" plays in the background...

As the sun sets over the Pacific, more and more contestants leave empty handed... and one remains.  Jason "Wolf" Hamlin. He's a golf course mechanic, repairing everything from carts to sprinkler systems.  His dad gave him a handmade guitar, so Wolf started playing and singing.

Wolf is doing "Midnight Special" by Creedence, and despite his gruff exterior, Wolf isn't bad.  Creepy Uncle Steven wants to hear something else.  So Wolf pulls out his git-fiddle, and starts in on "Folsom Prison Blues", always a winner.  I kinda like this guy.  He seems just humble enough to like, yet he's got some talent.  Personally, my favorite audition of the night.  Three YES votes sends Wolf on to Hollywood!

In the post-audition interview, he runs his hand over the Idol backdrop and says, "This is why you send a mechanic to Hollywood... to fix the seam!"

And wrapping up San Diego, there are 53 contestants headed to the next round... once again, little bad auditions shown... so, Wednesday, we head to Aspen, Colorado!