Say This, Not That

From the file entitled "Stuff I Didn't Write but Wish I Could Take Credit For"...

You never mean: Could care less
You always mean: Couldn’t care less
Why: You want to say you care so little already that you couldn’t possibly care any less. When the Boston Celtics’ Ray Allen said, “God could care less whether I can shoot a jump shot,” we know he meant exactly the opposite because 1) God has other things on his mind, and 2) God is a Knicks fan.

You might say: Mano a mano
You might mean: Man-to-man
Why: You don’t speak Spanish by adding vowels to the end of English words, as a columnist describing father–teenage son relationships seemed to think when he wrote, “Don’t expect long, mano a mano talks.” Mano a mano (literally, “hand to hand”) originated with bullfighting and usually refers to a knock-down, drag-out direct confrontation.

You might say: Less
You might mean: Fewer
Why: In general, use fewer when you’re specifying a number of countable things (“200 words or fewer”); reserve less for a mass (“less than half”). So when you’re composing a tweet, do it in 140 characters or fewer, not less.

You never mean: Hone in
You always mean: Home in
Why: Like homing pigeons, we can be single-minded about finding our way to a point: “Scientists are homing in on the causes of cancer.” Hone means “to sharpen”: “The rookie spent the last three seasons honing his skills in the minor leagues.” But it’s easy to mishear m’s and n’s, which is probably what happened to the Virginia senator who said, “We’ve got to hone in on cost containment.” If you’re unsure, say “zero in” instead.

You might say: Bring
You might mean: Take
Why: The choice depends on your point of view. Use bring when you want to show motion toward you (“Bring the dog treats over here, please”). Use take to show motion in the opposite direction (“I have to take Rufus to the vet”). The rule gets confusing when the movement has nothing to do with you. In those cases, you can use either verb, depending on the context: “The assistant brought the shot to the vet” (the vet’s point of view); “the assistant took the shot to the doctor” (the assistant’s).

You might say: Who
You might mean: Whom
Why: It all depends. Do you need a subject or an object? A subject (who) is the actor of the sentence: “Who left the roller skates on the sidewalk?” An object (whom) is the acted-upon: “Whom are you calling?” Parents, hit the Mute button when Dora the Explorer shouts, “Who do we ask for help when we don’t know which way to go?”

You almost never mean: Brother-in-laws, runner-ups, hole in ones, etc.
You almost always mean: Brothers-in-law, runners-up, holes in one, etc.
Why: Plurals of these compound nouns are formed by adding an s to the thing there’s more than one of (brothers, not laws). Some exceptions: words ending in ful (mouthfuls) and phrases like cul-de-sacs.

You almost never mean: Try and
You almost always mean: Try to
Why: Try and try again, yes, but if you’re planning to do something, use the infinitive form: “I’m going to try to run a marathon.” Commenting on an online story about breakups, one woman wrote, “A guy I dated used to try and impress me with the choice of books he was reading.” It’s no surprise that the relationship didn’t last.

You almost never mean: Different than
You almost always mean: Different from
Why: This isn’t the biggest offense, but if you can easily substitute from for than (My mother’s tomato sauce is different from my mother-in-law’s), do it. Use than for comparisons: My mother’s tomato sauce is better than my mother-in-law’s.

You almost never mean: Beg the question
You almost always mean: Raise the question
Why: Correctly used, “begging the question” is like making a circular argument (I don’t like you because you’re so unlikable). But unless you’re a philosophy professor, you shouldn’t ever need this phrase. Stick to “raise the question.”

You might say: More than
You can also say: Over
Why: The two are interchangeable when the sense is “Over 6,000 hats were sold.” We like grammarian Bryan Garner’s take on it: “The charge that over is inferior to more than is a baseless crotchet.”
You almost never mean: Supposably
You almost always mean: Supposedly
Why: Supposably is, in fact, a word—it means “conceivably”—but not the one you want if you’re trying to say “it’s assumed,” and certainly not the one you want if you’re on a first date with an English major or a job interview with an English speaker.

You might say: All of
You probably mean: All
Why: Drop the of whenever you can, as Julia Roberts recently did, correctly: “Every little moment is amazing if you let yourself access it. I learn that all the time from my kids.” But you need all of before a pronoun (“all of them”) and before a possessive noun (“all of Julia’s kids”).

You might say: That
You might mean: Which
Why: “The money that is on the table is for you” is different from “the money, which is on the table, is for you.” That pinpoints the subject: The money that is on the table is yours; the money in my pocket is mine. Which introduces an aside, a bit of extra information. If you remove “which is on the table,” you won’t change the meaning: The money is for you (oh, and unless you don’t want it, it’s on the table). If the clause is necessary to your meaning, use that; if it could safely be omitted, say which.

You never mean: Outside of
You always mean: Outside
Why: These two prepositions weren’t meant for each other. Perfectly acceptable: “Wearing a cheese-head hat outside Wisconsin will likely earn you some stares and glares (unless you’re surrounded by Green Bay Packers fans, that is).”

You might say: Each other
You might mean: One another
Why: Tradition says that each other should be used with two people or things, and one another with more than two, and careful speakers should follow suit: “The three presenters argued with one another over who should announce the award, but Ann and Barbara gave each other flowers after the ceremony.” (By the way, if you need the possessive form of either one when writing that business letter, it’s always each other’s and one another’s; never end with s’.)

8 Confusing Pairs
leery, wary: suspicious
weary: tired

farther: for physical distance
further: for metaphorical distance or time

principle: rule
principal: of your school

compliment: nice thing to say
complement: match

continual: ongoing but intermittent
continuous: without interruption

stationary: stands still
stationery: paper

imply: to suggest a meaning
infer: to draw meaning from something

affect: typically a verb, meaning “to act upon or cause an effect”; as a noun, it’s “an emotional response”
effect: typically a noun, meaning “something produced,” like a special effect; as a verb, “to bring about,” as in “to effect change”

Read the original article right here.

Idols Born Music (ie, the episode where I feel old)

Controversy.  Its no stranger to America's favorite show for years and years.  Remember Frenchie, the big black diva who had lude pics of her pop up on the interwebs?  And that dude who claimed he got a little freaky deaky with Paula the Flake?  And we've had numerous Idols who have been let go from the show directly because of legal violations and things such as that, especially when they hide things from producers.  Why these guys don't come clean to begin with, I'll never know... with the power of the interwebs, Google and even Wikipedia, you can find just about anything out about anyone else.

Enter Big Daddy Jermaine Jones.  He had a little brush up with the law last year, including outstanding warrants for stuff involving assault and such. AND he told producers that he was abandoned by his Daddy when he was 10, which didn't make sense to Daddy Jones, who says he talks to his son all the time.  When producers of Idol found this out, they became suspicious and did some digging, and viola!  Law problems. 

But that doesn't stop Seacrusty! 

THIS IS


AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Tonight's theme is "Songs from the Year You Were Born", which we are told will be from 1983 to 1994... The Lovely Steph Leann gasped.  "No more 70s!!"

Jimmy Iovine is back in the hizzy, and this time, talking to Will.I.Am to help mentor the Idols.

First up, in the lead-off spot, its Phillip2, who was born in 1990.  Phillip2 is telling Jimmy Iovine and Will.He.Is that he's got to head to the hospital to get surgery for kidney stones.  Wait... what?

But he pushes through!  He will be singing The Black Crowes "Hard to Handle"... thats from 1990?  Wow.  And another Wow is that he sounds pretty good... he isn't moving a lot, but he seems like he's recovering well. 

The judges rave about him and the fact he's back and sounded good. 

Last week, J-Sanch dominated the show by dominating "I Will Always Love You"... this week?  She's picking "Turn the Beat Around", the Gloria Estefan version from 1995.  I was a sophomore in college, heading into my junior year.  I was 9 days shy of 20 when J-Sanch was born.  It always makes me feel old to know I could be this kids dad. 

Jimmy Iovine and Will.I.Am have told her she is a "Swaggernaut".  No Will.I.Am, no Jimmy.  No, you dont'.  That's horrible.

After hearing this song several times in the last few seasons of Idol, I'm convinced that you cannot do a "blow the audience away" version of this song.  Plus, her pants look like a disco ball threw up on them.  Not good times.

That was terrible. How did she fall that fast in a week?!  Creepy Uncle Steven didn't like it, enough to garner boos.  J-Lo loved the pants, told her is was just so-so.  Randy the Dawg lifts her up by telling her she's one of the greatest in this season's Idol, but then bursts her bubble by saying "Eh."

J-Sanch then tells us that from 1995, she didn't have alot to choose from.  Which, I can totally believe that, actually.

Now, we have our resident class clown, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), who is taking on some Richard Marx... "Right Here Waiting", probably the quinessential love song from 1989.

I think Richard Marx is somewhat underrated as an artist, because he truly had some memorable pop hits... I say this in all seriousness, I'm not joking here.

My favorite Richard Marx song is "Hazard", but I do enjoy "Endless Summer Nights", and I even have the 45 of it... I also like "Shoulda Known Better" and "Don't Mean Nothing". 

All that being said, I can imagine Will.I.Am's thoughts when an Asian, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) takes on one of the whitest songs in the history of the world... "What kinda white fruit booty song this is?"

Now, I managed to type all of that during his performance because... well, its boring.  The best part about this entire thing is his gawd-awful bow tie thing he's going on.  And that's saying something.  

Randy the Dawg says it was the wrong song for Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... J-Lo says she felt his heart... Creepy Uncle Steven says it was a bit breathy and outside of his circle. 

Back from the break, its Elise Testosterone!  She's coming back after a bad week in which she almost went home... thankfully, she didn't though, because I am rather fond of E-Test at this point.  I mean, she's not Baylie Brown! (long live Baylie Brown!) but she'll do.

Now, The Reverend Al Green did the immortal and amazing classic "Let's Stay Together" in the early 70s, and we've already deduced that no one was born before 1983--Elise Testosterone herself--but E-Test is actually covering Tina Turner's cover of Al Green's "Let's Stay Together".

Receiving last week's only save of the season, as she sat on the Bottom Two with Jeremy Risotto, I'm hope that E-Test will bring it.  In other words, Will.I.Am just said the word "inner Negro".  Then they do a split screen with E-Test and He Who Must Not Be ReElected.  Yes, that one.

And she is doing awesome... starting out slow atop a piano, she brings it, channeling her inner Negro and becomes my favorite of the night thusfar.

The judges just all loved it, as they should. 

And, in the low point of the night, its D'Kenny G, born in 1994.  And here's what Annie on EW had to say about D'Kenny G:

A woman had come up to DeAndre Brackensick's parents and predicted that he would someday be on American Idol when he was 4. Four!!! I just thought you might need another reminder of how young these kids are, and how old you are. Gosh are you old. DeAndre struggled with song choice this week, and I think he should have gone with his original idea, "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," instead of Mariah Carey and Luther Vandross' cover of Lionel Richie and Diana Ross' "Endless Love." No teenager has ever heard of that song. Trust me, I know all of the teenagers. Not really; I know less than 10, and sometimes I read their Facebook updates but only because we're related.

I think he should have gone with the Lion King song, if only for the Mufasa mane connection.  Get this kid off of the stage before I go through myself into a wildabeest stampede.

J-Lo says it was sung beautiful.  Blech.  She says that Jimmy Iovine steered him wrong.  Creepy Uncle Steven says it was the wrong song.  Randy the Dawg says it was wrong, and boring. 

Shannon Magrane was born in 1995.  Again, I'm old.

Jimmy Iovine gives her the song he suggests by using the fourteen word name of the phone he's holding up, while Will.He.Is looks on to the product placement.  No Doubt's "Don't Speak" is what they are pushing, but she vies for "One Sweet Day" by Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. 

I worked at the Carmike 10 in Montgomery, Alabama during the fall of 1995, with Bobby Black and Lisa Turk, and when I would do a stint as a ticket taker, I'd hear this song during "Movie Tunes".  Understand that "Movie Tunes" was on a 30 minute loop.  So I'd hear this song about 10 to 16 times in a shift.  Maybe that's why its not one of my favorites by Boyz or Mariah.

J-Lo says that her (Shannon Magrane) singing Boyz and Mariah terrified her (J-Lo), and Randy the Dawg agree.  The he says, "America has fallen in love with you".  Why do I feel like that just signed her death warrant?  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says it was good too.

Let's hear from Colton Dixon now, who tells us about how awesome it was to meet one of his own Idols, Chris Daughtry.  Born in 1991, Colton Dixon is going to be singing a song by White Lion.  No, not "Wait", which would have frackin' ruled.  And not "When the Children Cries", which is probably good.  Will.He.Is says, That song, Broken Heart, no one knows... the band barely knew that song..."

Whatever this song is, Colton Dixon is owning it, and sounds like he stepped right out of 1991's radio airwaves.   I say this to The Lovely Steph Leann, and she replies, "Yeah (pause, then sigh).  Back when music was good."

J-Lo says she had never heard this song, but loved Colton's version.  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "I think it was the wrong song for your voice and your passion..."  Randy the Dawg says that Colton was dope. 

Catching up with the mid-80s, its Erika Van Pelt!  I do love me some EVP.  She's going to throw down on the rocker ballad "Heaven" from Bryan Adams in 1985.  As EVP starts sing, the video screen behind her as this weird staircase behind her, moving upward, and as she moves forward, it makes an odd dynamic.  I'm lost.

Now, she's singing the fool out of this song and sounds great, but I feel like she will not truly own the week until they do a Heart themed episode.  I'd love to hear her version of "Barracuda" or maybe "Crazy on You".

Creepy Uncle Steven tells her it was too busy, and a bad arrangement, but he loves her voice.  J-Lo says she didn't like the arrangement, but loved her. Randy the Dawg says basically the same. 

And Seacrusty busts up with the info about Big Daddy Jermaine Jones.  And in a ratings ploy a serious interview, they essentially blindside him on camera by the producers, who sit him down and run through his charges while sitting in front of him, and then say, "You didn't reveal this to us."   Big Daddy Jermaine says he was never in a fight, he just fell, but was charged over a disagreement. 

Lesson?  You get on Idol, you tell the producers EV-AH-REE-THING.  The Idol producers tell him that they are not allowed to have anyone on the show who have outstanding warrants and they let him go.  Then they show him throwing down on "Somewhere Out There" during rehearsal.  I hate to see this guy go.  Why couldn't freakin' DeAndre be busted for crack or something? 

Okay, back to the performances, here's Little Skylar Laine, who tells the judges "Y'all are being mean!"  They should all thank their stars that Simon Cowell is long gone, because he would eat some of these kids for breakfast.

Skylar Laine was born in 1994, and is doing Bonnie Raitt's "Love's Sneaking Up On You".  Jimmy Iovine and Will.I.Am suggest Coolio's "Fantastic Voyage", which although would be stinkin' awesome, it would also have the potential to be a flaming debacle of hippo poop.  Which would still be awesome.

Gotta tell ya, this is one of my least favorite Bonnie Raitt songs.  She does it well, just don't like the song.

Creepy Uncle Steven loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it.

Seacrusty introduces Joshua Ledet, and mentions how Joshua Ledet misses crawfish from back home, and then they wheel out a huge bucket of crawfish.  Seacrusty is just being shellfish.

Joshua is from 1992, and is singing "When a Man Loves a Woman", the Michael Bolton version.  I'm not sure I like this whole "singing a version from a certain year that is a remake of a song that came out 20 years earlier."

The Lovely Steph Leann agrees with me.  See, Joshua Ledet is sounding more like Percy Sledge than Michael Bolton here. 

Joshua rips off his jacket and keeps rolling, and let me just tell ya, he just owned the stage and simply dominated.  What J-Sanch was to last week, Joshua was to this week. 

Randy the Dawg just dropped the "Oh my gawd!" like, then J-Lo says, "The best thing I've seen on American Idol".  Then Creepy Uncle Steven just gushes for a minute or so. 

I agree. He just brought it. 

And in the pimp spot tonight, its Hollie Cav, who was born July 5th, 1993.  I was headed towards Troy State's orientation that weekend, and met Lisa Turk and Cyndi Bledsoe that night.  Awesome.

What is she doing tonight?  Celine Dion's "The Power of Love", a song loved by most females 28 and up.  Hollie Cav almost looks stunning, but huge strips of fabric are missing from the part of the dress that cover her legs, thighs and bum. 

J-Lo says, "You and Joshua... saved the best for last, huh!?"  Creepy Uncle Steven invokes the name of God and Heaven for the 49th time this episode in describing Hollie Cav, and Randy the Dawg says she just blew this song outta the box.

Here's how I rank 'em...

Joshua Ledet's "When a Man Loves a Woman"... Colton Dixon's "Broken Heart"... Elise Testosterone's "Let's Stay Together"... Hollie Cav's "The Power of Love"... EVP's "Heaven"... Little Skylar Laine's "Love's Sneaking Up on You"... Phillip2's "Hard to Handle"... Shannon Magrane's "One Sweet Day"... Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)'s "Right Here Waiting"... J-Sanch's "Turn The Beat Around"... whatever crap D'Kenny G did tonight.

Who goes home?  Keep scrolling.

Jermaine's Big Toss

We lost Big Daddy Jermaine on the previous episode.  But we will lose one more tonight.  And tonight is a pivotal episode because the survivors of the cuts go on The American Idol Summer Tour. 

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL'S TOP TEN

Seacrusty shows us the Top 11, all seated on the Couch of Anxiety, in which the survivors will go the Silver Stools of Safety. 

We see a video of Tommy Hilfiger, who will be the "image designer of Idol". 

Fast forward through Tommy Hilfiger.

Fast forward through commercial break.

Fast forward through the Ford Music Video

And we are back!  Seacrusty calls up Phillip2, Elise Testosterone, Joshua Ledet and Little Skylar Laine.  I feel like you just don't want to be in a group with Joshua Ledet or Little Sky... and maybe Phillip2.  I think this is bad for E-Test.

Dim the lights... here we go.  After the nationwide vote... Joshua Ledet heads to the summer tour and the Silver Stools of Safety.  After the vote... Phillip2 is also safe.  Which means that E-Test will be in the Bottom Three, because we know it ain't Little Skylar Laine.  After the vote... yes, its Elise Testosterone, going to the Silver Stools of Suck.

Fast forward through commercial break.

Fast forward through Demi Lovato's song.

And we are back!  Colton... Shannon Magrane... J-Sanch... and D'Kenny G are up.  I would imagine that Colton Dixon would be safe, and that J-Sanch will have enough Idol cred after last week to get to the Summer Tour.  One can only hope that D'Kenny G will just get shot in a drive-by.  Poor Shannon Magrane.

Dim the lights... here we go.  First, its Colton, and he gets a pass to The Silver Stools of Safety, after Seacrusty tries to fake us out.  You faker!  D'Kenny G gets call, then Seacrusty goes to J-Sanch to the Stools of Safety.  Then, we have Shannon Magrane, and back to D'Kenny G.  After the nationwide vote, D'Kenny G is safe.  Suck it.  Shannon Magrane goes to The Silver Stools of Suck.

The Lovely Steph Leann grumbles, "Stupid people vote for losers."

Fast foward through commercial break.

Fast forward through Daughtry

Fast forward though another commerical break.

Dim the lights... here we go.  Now, its EVP, Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), and Hollie Cav.  I can't imagine Hollie Cav going to the Silver Stools of Suck, so it will be between Shannon Magrane and Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  After the nationwide vote... Hollie Cav is SAFE!  After the nationwide vote... EVP is in the Bottom Three, and heads to the Silver Stools of Suck.  Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) gets a spot on the Summer Tour, and will go to the Silver Stools of Safety.

J-Lo says that the Bottom Three isn't good this week, because Elise Testosterone nailed it last night.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says the same.   Lucky for all of us, Seacrusty sends E-Test back to the Silver Stools of Safety.

The Lovely Steph Leann is saying things like "darn it!" and "stupid teenagers voting for spaghetti head!"

Fast forward through commerical break

And we're back!  Now, we've got EVP and Shannon Magrane, one will go to the Silver Stools of Safety and the Summer Tour, and the other will go home.  Dim the lights... here we go.  After the nationwide vote... the person going on tour is... Erika Van Pelt.

Shannon Magrane will sing for her life, and apparently there is The Judges Save that has been reinstated, maybe because the loss of Big Daddy Jermaine gave the show an extra week.  Perhaps we'll call this the Jessica Sanchez Memorial Save.

And even with her singing, there is no way in Hades and back that the judges will use their save up this early in the season.  No stinkin' way. 

Randy the Dawg confirms it quickly.  Shannon Magrane goes home. 

And I'm going to bed.

A Night of Whitney Wonders

So here we are... its early March, and what we've been waiting for has finally arrived... its the Idol Finals... the Live Shows... The Top Thirteen.  The Lucky Thirteen, as they say.

Tonight, the guys take on a monumental task... songs of the legendary Stevie Wonder, perhaps the greatest living blind guy right now.  (Sorry Mickey Gilley and Ronnie Milsap).  The girls?  Even harder now... the music of the Late Whitney Houston.  I look forward to this night, as it will allow me to dish on Whitney a little. 

Anyone who has read me enough knows that I love Pre-Crack Whitney, an era defined from her beginnings in 1985-86 to time around 1996 when "The Preacher's Wife" was released, both movie and soundtrack.  Truly, she was probably Mid-Crack then, as her relationship with Bobby Brown was in its 5th or 6th year, but it was what I consider her last great, solid work.  Well, okay, I consider "The Bodyguard" in 1992 to be her last great work, but "The Preacher's Wife" was pretty good music too.

And so now, we begin the 12 week trek to find either the next Carrie Underwood, the next Lee DeWyze, or the next Somewhere in Between. 

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Tonight, Ryan Seacrusty tells us that this marks American Idol's FOUR HUNDREDTH EPISODE... which is pretty good, I must say.  Does it make me a dork to say that I know WWE Raw is on episode 957?  Just wondering.

Seacrusty tells us about the Stevie/Whitney dynamic, then tells us, "Because of this, we will reveal the Bottom Guy and the Bottom Girl, and the judges will decide who stays and who goes."  Interesting...

Joshua Lidet bats lead-off, with "I Wish" for the City", and helping out is not only Jimmy Iovine (Eye-veen), but also R&B Supa-Dupa Stah Mary J. Blige.  Note:  One of my Top 50 songs of all time is Mary J.'s "Real Love" from 1992ish.  Would go on my Samson High School Soundtrack if I had one.  Maybe I should make one. 

Back to Joshua... he's bringing it.  I can dig it.  Randy the Dawg says, "You just blew it out!  Yo!  Dawg!  Yo!"  And what the heck is that broach on Randy the Dawg's lapel?  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler loved it.

Elise Testosterone wants to sing "The Greatest Love of All", but Jimmy Iovine and Mary J. tells her NO.  She can't be singing that song.  They then push "I'm Your Baby Tonight", which is my favorite Whitney song of all time.  Of course, it doesn't help that she says she'd never heard to song before.  Wait... what?  Are they trying to get rid of my dear E-Test off the bat? 

She sounds good, but she really doesn't sound like she really loves that song.  I do love her voice, though.  J-Lo says what I just said, that being she didn't feel a connection to the song.  Of course not, J-Lo... this isn't even what she wanted!  Creepy Uncle Steven and Randy the Dawg says the same.

This guy made a 91 after spending 6 weeks in the bathroom

Big Daddy Jermaine is up next, and going to sing "Knocks Me Off My Feet", a Stevie song that I really don't know very well.  I almost feel that Jermaine should just sing Luther songs all the time, every week.  No matter the theme.  50's songs?  Luther.  70's songs?  Luther.  Songs on the Pop Charts right now? Luther.  Have you seen this guy?  Are you going to tell him no? 

He kind of reminds me of the big dude in "Summer School" who went to the bathroom and spent six weeks there ("my zipper got stuck", he tells Mr. Shoop, played by Mark Harmon) and still scored the highest on the placement test.  I have to think about stuff like this to keep me from falling asleep because it ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Creepy Uncle Stevie loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it. 

Along the lines of songs I'm not familiar with, its Erika Van Pelt doing "I Believe In You and Me", a Whitney song I don't know much about.  I dig me some EVP, truly.  She's funny and she's fun, and she's just cute enough to be cute, but not overly cute that she's not cute.  You follow me?  Good.

Mary J. tells EVP her tone is like a "steak and potatoes dinner, not celery".  They advise her to NOT try and sing like Whitney, but use her rasp and do her own style.   As she starts singing, I do recognize this song... its from "The Preacher's Wife".  This quite possibly was Whitney's last good song ever. 

EVP hits the big part of the song, and does it with wonderful restraint.  You down with EVP?  Yeah, you know me!

Randy the Dawg loved her "unbelievable tone".  J-Lo gushes.  Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler says, "it was perfect!"  We all be down with EVP.

By the way, Seacrusty says, "You have a new nickname... EVP!"  I look at The Lovely Steph Leann and say, "Ha!  I started that!  They read the blog!" and she quickly lets me know, "No, they didn't."  Thanks dear.  Frowny face.

Yup.  I own this.  Kids, this is called a "Cah-Set Tape"

Here comes Colton Dixon, doing one of my favorites, "Lately".  Full disclosure, though... I strongly prefer Jodeci's version from circa 1992, though Stevie's is pretty good too.  I even own the cassette single! 

I would have been interested in hearing Daughtry do this song a few years back too, as Colton is the most Daughtry-esque Idol we have this year.  Colton is really doing well, too... and for those of you who watched the show, his background video is distracting.  I have a new laptop, and it looks like a new-age screen saver that I have the option to download (but refused) from Microsoft's website.

Creepy Uncle Stevie says, "Outstanding!"... J-Lo says, "Great!"... Randy the Dawg says, "Yo!" and then says "wasn't pitch perfect" and then says, "the end, flawless."  I agree. 

Its Shannon Magrane!  And she says, "I'll be singing 'I Have Nothing'", and my reaction immediately is "Oooh..."  I almost feel like singing Whitney songs is hard enough... but there are a few "untouchables" from her that you just don't even try unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can blow it out... not just try your best, but own that sum-gun... "I Will Always Love You" and this one come to mind immediately.

And I'll tell you first, I really like Shannon Magrane... I think she's cute, she's bubbly, and she's got a great voice.  But she just proved my point above.  She didn't blow it out, she barely made it through. 

J-Lo tells her that "you're capable of doing it... but you need to relax".  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Your nerves got the best of you."  Randy the Dawg concurs.  I don't agree.  I just think that song is way, way, waaaay too big for her.  Its an Untouchable. 

Leave it to my least favorite Idol, D'Kenny G, to sing one of my least favorite Stevie songs, "Master Blaster".  And he's doing a version in one of my least favorite styles of music, reggae.  I just threw up in my mouth.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "its bad all around." 

No joke.  Or, hopefully this is a joke.  This is terrible.  I want this kid to go home so, so badly. 

I'm also a little iffy on the whole "judges pick a wild-card to join the contest" thing... I mean, its up to the voters by the semis, right?  So why put in Idols the people didn't want, as judged by their votes?  And what if one of these cats win the whole thing?  An Idol that people didn't want who goes on to win it?  Its like that season of Survivor where they had an Outcast Tribe, made up of Lil and Eric Bana, and others that were voted out... and Lil almost won the whole thing!? 

And of course, all the judges dug the fool out of it.  Suck.

Country girl Skylar Laine is doing something smart with her Whitney song, "Where Do Broken Hearts Go", a song that is known, but not one that people immediately think of when they think of Whitney music.   And this works perfectly.

She's doing a version that I quite literally could imagine hearing on 104.7 WZZK right now.   She's not my #1 favorite, and this isn't necessarily my favorite performance of the night, but this is the best sung song of the night so far. 

J-Lo should be gushing over her, and does.  "Biggest moment of the night."  Creepy Uncle Steven says, "That was a thing of beauty."  Randy the Dawg says, "What I love is you are a country girl, but you just proved that you can sing any song." 

And here comes Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  I just see this guy and he makes me laugh.  He's doing another more obscure Stevie song, "All is Fair in Love".  Mary J. says, "He caught me off guard--I didn't expect Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) to sound like that!"  He then wins over Jimmy Iovene and Mary J. by handing them autographed pictures of himself.  Jimmy's says, "Jimmy Ivene, I love you!' and Mary J's says, "Mary J, I love you more than Jimmy!" This guy cracks me up.

And that helps, because while sung well, the song is sorta boring.  And the judges loved the poop outtat this kid.  Rightly so.  Randy the Dawg even said, "It wasn't perfect... but it was really good."

Tiny little Hollie Cav is doing a borderline Untouchable, that being Whitney's "All the Man That I Need", one of my Top Ten favorite Whitney songs ever.   And I feel like, we are obliged to like Hollie Cav, cause she's so darn nice.  She's also a prime example of how good professional hair and make-up people can make you look, cause she's just cutesy patootsy in her mentoring with Mary J. and Jimmy Iovine, but onstage, she's almost hot.  Almost.  She's not Bayley Brown! mind you... oh, Bayley Brown!, you coulda been a contenda.

I'm a little scared of that ring she's got on, though--it's like, her Planet Krypton High School class ring.  The judges just loved her, and rightly so.

Long live Baylie Brown!

So, Jeremy Risotto is called "Jer-Bear" by J-Lo?  Gag me with a dirty spoon.  Now, unlike D'Kenny G, I like Jeremy Risotto.  I do.  Seems like a good kid.  However, like D'Kenny G, I'm not a fan.  Its not that Jeremy is bad, he's got some talent, he's just not as good as some of the others that could have been picked... Reed Grimm?  Hallie Day?  Baylie Brown!? 

Jeremy is doing "Ribbon in the Sky" and for the second time tonight, I'm borZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(yawn... stretch... smack lips to get rid of sleepy breath...)

Who's next?

So, I'm hearing a ton about Jessica Sanchez... and she's doing an Untouchable.  When it comes to Whitney, perhaps THE Untouchable, "I Will Always Love You."  This has to be perfect, because every. single. note. will be compared to the immortal original.

Remember what I said earlier?  You don't pick a song without knowing you can blow it out? 

Holy crap.

That might have been one of the greatest Whitney cover songs ever on American Idol.  That also might have been one of the top ten greatest Idol songs ever. 

Holy flippin' crap. 

She just made that song her... well, she owned it. 

J-Lo is openly weeping, though that might be because she just saw her horrid "Got the Music In Me" commercial.  Randy the Dawg just exploded.  Creepy Uncle Steven is in awe. 

And finally, here's the guy who has to follow this... Phillip2.  He's going to attempt a much-attempted Stevie song, "Superstition", probably one of my top five Stevie songs.  Phillip Phillips, or Davematthews Davematthews Jr as EW calls him, is one of those that is going to make this song all his own.

And he does that very thing... its a rocking, raspy, eat the mic, jazzy, guitar fueled version, and it really is different enough to successfully follow J-Sanch's perfection just a few moments before.  If Shannon Magrane had followed J-Sanch with her "I Have Nothing", I'm afraid the judges would have just asked her to leave right then and there.

And the judges harp on the whole "you are so different" and "you have your own style" kind of thing. 

Best to worst:  There is J-Sanch's "I Will Always Love You"

Then there is everyone else... EVP's "I Believe In You and Me"... Skylar Laine's "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"... Hollie Cav's "All The Man That I Need"... Colton Dixon's "Lately"... Joshua Lidet's "I Wish"... Phillip2's "Superstition"... Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)'s "All is Fair in Love"...  Elise Testosterone's "I'm Your Baby Tonight"... Big Daddy Jermaine's "Knocks Me Off My Feet"... Shannon Magrane, "I Have Nothing"... Jeremy Risotto's "Ribbon in the Sky"... and finally, that crap from D'Kenny G

Who goes home?  Either Shannon Magrane or Jeremy Risotto, and they save Jeremy.  Unfortunately.  That's my opinion, anyway.

And the results?  Well, keep reading...

The Whitney Wonder Results

Well, four minutes ago, we finished the Idol performance show.  And now, we an hour to give us three minutes worth of results. 

The Lovely Steph Leann has her finger on the "right arrow" button, ready to fast forward through all the crap.  We get a quick video flash of what we just saw, and teased us on who might go home.

One guy... one girl... one night... the judges decide.

THIS IS

THE FIRST

AMERICAN

IDOL

ELIMINATION SHOW

EPISODE

OF THE

SEASON

NOT COUNTING THE SEMIS

SHOW

Seacrusty tells us that America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina is here to sing, as with Supa Dupa Stah Mary J. Blige, which I'm sure we'll fast forward through both.

The group song... fast forward

Commercial break.. fast forward

Ford Music Video... fast forward

I'm very proud that I haven't actually seen a Ford Music Video in about four seasons.   Let's see if we can keep that streak up this season. 

And let's do the results... J-Sanch... Hollie Cav... and Elise Testosterone are up first.  And from this group, its pretty easy to predict that Elise Testosterone is in the Bottom Three.   And Jimmy Iovine, via video clip, says about Elise, "This wasn't her song tonight..."  Uh, how about you and Mary J. forced that song on her?  Is that even fair?  Wouldn't it be better for her to pick the song and then crash and burn, rather than crashing and burning on a song you don't even know? 

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that J-Sanch is safe, and heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Elise Testosterone heads to the Silver Stools of Failure, the first chick in the Bottom Three Girls.

Now, its Big Daddy Jermaine, Colton and Hee Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better).  My prediction?  Big Daddy Jermaine is in the Bottom Three. 

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Colton is safe, and he heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Big Daddy Jermaine heads to the Silver Stools of Failure, the first dude in the Bottom Three Guys. 

Commercial break... fast forward

America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina sings... The Lovely Steph Leann wants to see it. 

But finally... fast forward

Commercial break... fast forward

Now we are back... Shannon Magrane is up, with Skylar Laine and EVP.  From this group, I'm predicting two of these in the Bottom Three Chicks, and I'm guessing Shannon Magrane and EVP.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Skylar Laine is safe, and she heads to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Shannon Magrane and EVP head to the Silver Stools of Failure, the next two in the Bottom Three Girls.   (by the way, I just typed the last two paragraphs before Seacrusty gave the results--and I was spot on.)

The guys again... D'Kenny G... Joshua.. Phillip2 and Jeremy Risotto are the guys left.  Two in the Bottom Three.  My predictions?  Joshua and Phillip2 are safe.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  America has decided that Phillip2 and D'Kenny G are safe, and they head to the Couch of Comfort.  After the nationwide vote, Jeremy Risotto and Joshua Lidet go to the Silver Stools of Failure. 

Then Seacrusty fulls a fast one, telling Joshua and EVP quickly they are safe.  Oh, that Seacrusty!

Commercial Break... fast forward

Mary J. Blige sings... fast forward

Commercial Break... fast forward

Its been a while... so, for no other reason than its my blog,
and I can... its Pickles!!!

And now, here we are, with Big Daddy Jermiane, Elise Testosterone, Shannon Magrane and Jeremy Risotto, with one of these four going home.  Seacrusty asks Creepy Uncle Steven if any one of these deserve to go home, and he quickly says, "Jeremy".  I like the honesty.

Dim the lights!  Here we go!  Seacrusty walks to Big Daddy Jermaine and says he's safe.  Then he tells Shannon Magrane she's safe for another week.

So now, Elise Testosterone and Jeremy Risotto, the bottom girl and bottom guy... Randy the Dawg says that America kinda got it right, probably.

Commerical break... fast forward

The judges have conferred, and J-Lo has to give the decision.  They have decided to save Elise Testosterone, and we say goodbye to Jeremy Risotto, J-Lo's "wild card" pick.  And Seacrusty has already said this was the only time any Idol will be saved from elimination, so there it is.

Once again, I feel like Jeremy shouldn't be there.  Maybe it was better than The Welfare Justin Timberlake, who knows. 

Bring back Baylie Brown!

Just Another Sad Love Song Part Two

You can read Part One right here

Holy cow... I was flipping through the blog page, and realized I never finished this list, did I?  As my friend Dixon Brock would say, "I just want you to finish a (mild expletive deleted) list!"  So, here's Part Two of the Ten Saddest Songs, Like Ever Ever.

(10)... "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" by Al Green
"How can you mend this broken man... how can a loser ever win?  Somebody please help me mend my broken heart, and let me live again..."

Such an easy song, really.  Right from the intro, with its slow, melodic piano, you know you are in for a world of hurt.  The Rev'rn Al Green begins and just rips your heart out, asking the hard questions, like "How exactly can you heal after being dropped like a bad habit?"  Questions like, "How in the world do you get over being played like a 50s record?"  Or even, "How many euphemisms can I use to prove my already proven point?"

Originally recorded by The Bee Gees in 1971, Rev'rn Green's version was done a year later, and much better.  I actually discovered this song from the excellent, yet much sadness abounding, soundtrack to one of my top 20 films of all time, "Notting Hill".

(9)... "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt
"I cant make you love me if you don't.  You can't make your heart feel something it won't.  Here in the dark, in these final hours, I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't.  No, you won't..."

From the amazing album "Luck of the Draw", this song is probably Raitt's signature song.  Essentially, its a lament about finally admitting, "Hey, I love you.  But I know now you don't love me, and I can't make it happen."  Such true words, eh?

Written in 1991 by a couple of dudes named Mike Reid and Allen Shamblin, the inspiration derived from a newspaper article that Reid stumbled across, concerning a court case where a guy got drunk and shot up the car of the chick who dumped him.  The man stood before the judge, who simply asked him if he'd learned anything, and the man replied, "Yeah, you can't make a girl love you if she don't."  Rolling Stone listed this at #331 on their 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, while Mojo Magazine ranked it as high at #8.

Full disclosure, this isn't one of my favorite songs.  I appreciate it enough to probably rank it among the 500 songs that I would consider "The Best Songs Ever", and I like it well enough, but if I did a list of 500 songs that I considered not necessarily the best, but actually my favorites, I'm not sure it would rank on the list.  However, this countdown is a list of the Saddest Songs Ever, not d$'s Favorite Songs Ever, and it does deserve this high of a ranking here.

Bonnie, if its any consolation, your tune "Not the Only One" has ranked as my fourth favorite song of all time for a decade--and "Nick of Time" is in the Top 50.  So there.

(8)... "One Last Cry" by Brian McKnight
"My shattered dreams and broken hearts, still mending on the shelf.  I saw you, holding hands, standing close to someone else.  Now I sit all alone, wishing all my feelings were gone... gotta get over you, nothing for me to do.. but have one last cry..."

What?  In love with a chick, but not only does she not love you (anymore?), but you have to stand there and watch her hold hands with another dude?  Watch her get cozy with some loser who ain't you?  Holy crap, stick a sharpened bamboo rod between my fingers and burn me with bad whiskey.  No joke.  I do like the fact that the singer is essentially saying, "Enough... I've cried enough.  So I'm giving this chick on more cry, one LAST cry before I move on."  But you kinda get the sense that tomorrow with be another last cry.  And the next day is one more last cry.  And so it goes.

Brian McKnight went on to have some bigger success, most notably with his signature song "Back At One", which my buddy Mikey liked to call "1-2-3-4", though I corrected him by telling him that "1-2-3-4" is a song by Feist, while "1-2-3" is actually by Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, but "Back at One" is McKnight.  He had no clue.

Here's what I wrote on the original list in 2006:   Maybe this is just here because as I sat all alone, I saw Allison Hodnett standing very close to John Glasscock, holding hands at the Troy weekly movie, one day after she asked ME to the movie, then promptly stood me up. Hey, it was in 1994, but it still sucked. okay, I wasn't all alone, I think I went with Michelle Dudley, but still. 

(7)... "Here We Are" by Gloria Estefan
"And no one knows whats going on inside, and all the love I feel for you is something I should hide... when I have you close to me, the feeling's so sublime... but there's nothing I can do... to keep from loving you."

Featured on "Cuts Both Ways" and sans the Sound Machine, Estefan belts out one of the true love songs of the ages.  A little underrated, and underlistenedto (is that a word?  it is now...), its by far and away my favorite of her many great tunes.  Its a little reminscent of the #12th saddest song ever, "I'll Be Okay", in that this chick is in love with her best friend, but in this case, I think he likes her too.

So, its a happy song about two people who dig each other right? Oh nay!  Nay nay!


Maybe they were making it work, but for some reason, it ain't working now.  "Here we are once again, but this time we're only friends.  Funny words, sometimes lies, become the game when loves the prize..."  So is it better to have never known what it was like to be loved by the one you want, or to have loved and now you are without, knowing what you missed?  A question that perhaps deserves an answer, but will likely never have one.  Sad.

(6)... "King of Pain" by The Police, as performed unplugged by Alanis Morissette
"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain, with the world turning circles running round my brain, I guess I'll always hope that you'll end this reign, but its my destiny to be the king of pain..."

Dark, complicated, sad... three words to describe this song.  Using random terms like "salmon frozen in a waterfall" and "blind men looking for a shadow of doubt", the only real lyric you need is "I'll always hope that you'll end this reign, but its my destiny to be the king of pain."  Meaning "I'm hopeful that you'll love me too, but its fairly apparent I'm going to be in pain because of you.  Such pain, I am the King of all those in pain.  That much pain.  Darn you, woman."

Yes, yes, The Police are usually solid, and typical reinterpretations of their music aren't as good (see: Daddy, Puff with "I'll Be Missing You"--good song, not as good as "Every Breath You Take"), but when Alanis Morissette tackled this on her live unplugged concert for MTV, it was awesome.

I'll be honest... Sting likes to write songs that are complicated.  Instead of just saying what he means, he likes to use metaphors and alliteration and other fancy Englishy terms to get his point across.  For what end?  He said himself, "I conjured up symbols of pain and related them to my soul.  A black spot on the sun struck me as being a very painful image."

In fact, Sting--or Gordon Sumner--was an English teacher in a former life, which might explain his expressions and use of such language in his songs.  Matter of fact, I randomly looked up the phrase "a skeleton choking on a crust of bread", and discovered:  In medieval England, when an individual was accused of a crime, he or she was given a piece of cheese and consecrated bread to eat to prove guilt or innocence. If the individual was guilty, he would choke on the bread when the Angel Gabriel came down from Heaven to stop his or her throat.  Thus the oath many would utter was, "May I choke if this is not true." 

And the line "There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out..." -- could that be an Oedipus reference?  And the line, "There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed..." -- a King Midas reference?  And did I spend way too much time thinking about this?  Yes.  Yes I did.

Don't even get me started on "Fortress of Your Heart"... "and if I built this fortress around your heart, encircled it with trenches and barbed wire... let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill this chasm, let me set the battlements on fire..."  What?  Who uses the word "chasm" in a song?  What the...?

Where was I?  Oh yeah... well, I'll finish this soon enough.  Then, I'll knock out that list of the 100 Coolest Things of 2011, hopefully by November.  I promise.  Keep checking back.

The Idol Top Thirteen Revealed

I always say, concerning me and my proclivity to be long winded when I talk and write, "Why use 1000 words when 5000 words will do?"  For Idol, I always feel like, "Why take 30 minutes when 120 minutes will do?" 

They are giving us a two hour spectacular to reveal The Top Five Chicks and Top Five Guys, in terms of votes, and the three Wild Card Picks, with one per judge. 

Now, to refresh, I picked Elise Testosterone, J-Sanch, Hollie Cav, Jen Hirsh and Skylar Laine to make the chicks side, and for the boys, Phillip2, Colton Dixon, Joshua Lidet, Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) and Reed Grimm... my three wild card selections are: The Welfare Justin Timberlake... Brielle Von Hugel and EVP.

Chicks on one side, dudes on the other, small stage, Seacrusty in the middle, telling us that 33.4 billion votes, just in Rhode Island, were cast.  Let's do this...

THIS IS THE

AMERICAN IDOL

SELECTIONS SHOW

First, Chase Likens, Jeremy Risotto and Phillip2 come up together.  We now see a video recap of their performances from the other night, plus a word from mega-producer Jimmy Iovine.  And Jimmy says that Chase isn't fresh, and Jeremy doesn't have what it takes to cut it, but for Phillip2, he says, "We need originality, and Phillip2 has that!"

DIM THE LIGHTS!!  Here we go!!!

After the nationwide vote, Jeremy Risotto has not made the Top Ten.  After the nationwide vote, Chase is also not in the Top Ten... Phillip2 goes over and becomes the first to sit in the Silver Stools of Security this Season.

And its time for the ladies!  J-Sanch, Hallie Day, Brielle Von Hugel and Hollie Cav now come on up.  Jimmy says, "Little girl, big voice, especially with the right material" about Hollie Cav.  For Brielle Von Hugel, he says she's got real charisma, but her old song selection will hurt her.  Jimmy then speaks on Hallie Day, saying this was her best performance.  And finally, for Jessica Sanchez, Jimmy tells us that J-Sanch has talent from A to Z, and has the pole position in this show right now.

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

Perhaps its unfair that I don't like Brielle Von Hugel, because its really that I don't like her mom, but there it is.  After the nationwide vote, Brielle Von Hugel is NOT in the Top Ten.  After the nationwide vote, Hallie Day did NOT make the Top Ten (boo!) and that makes Hollie Cav and J-Sanch the newest seat takers in the Silver Stools of Security.

More results.

White Chocolate... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Joshua Lidet are now asked to come forward.  Now, we look back at their performances... Jimmy says about Joshua Lidet that he's the real deal... about White Chocolate, Jimmy says the whole "black woman in his body" thing that its a little confusing, and they aren't connecting... and about Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better), Jimmy says, "This guy completely confuses me..."

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Joshua Lidet is IN the Top Ten!  And one of the remaining two is in the Top Ten... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) makes it!  White Chocolate nods and goes back to the couch.  He's done, by the way--he won't be a Wild Card pick.

Bayley Brown!... Chelsea Sorrell... Skylar Laine... Shannon Magrane... they are called to the front.  We watch the videos from the performances, seeing Skylar Laine first.  Jimmy Iovine tells us that she blends soul and country, and it was great... next, we see Bayley Brown!, who let me down, and gave me a frown.  Jimmy says that Bayley Brown! has all the pieces, but didn't put them together on this night.  "Out of tune, out of here."  Sigh.  Now, Chelsea Sorrell, to which Jimmy says she has a nice voice, but not original enough.  Finally, Shannon Magrane, one of my favorites, but hard for me to read on how America will feel.  Jimmy tells us that she's got a great voice, and great poise, but needs help in her look. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Shannon Magrane makes it!  YIPPEE!!  That makes me really, really happy, and I mean that in all seriousness.  While I think Bayley Brown! is just hot, I think Shannon Magrane is just a great chick.  Skylar Laine also makes the Top Ten

Next, Aaron Marcellus Wallace... The Welfare Justin Timberlake... Reed Grimm.  Now, Jimmy Iovine says he's real talented, but way too cabaret... for Aaron Marcellus Wallace, Jimmy says he was a bit cheesy... and for The Welfare Justin Timberlake, Jimmy says he was screechy and he didn't care for his voice.  Agreed. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote... Aaron Marcellus Wallace did NOT make it.  Now, after the nationwide vote... The Welfare Justin Timberlake did NOT make it... and Reed Grimm is also NOT in the Top Ten. 

Oh, Seacrusty, you faker!

Back to the ladies... Elise Testosterone... Erika Van Pelt... Haley Johnson and Jen Hirsh all come up, hoping for that final spot in the Chicks side.  Jimmy Iovine says Jen has a great voice, but she should stay away from Adele.  For EVP, Jimmy likes her quite a bit, and that she has great restraint, "Something this show needs more of, not less..."  For Haley's horrid Eurythmics destruction, Jimmy says it was very robotic.  And for Elise Testosterone, Jimmy tells us that he liked her, and would love to see her do original material. 

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote, Haley Johnson did not make the Top Ten.  We knew this.  Next, EVP, who also did not make the Top Ten.  And that leaves Jen Hirsh and Elise Testosterone... and after the nationwide vote, the final spot goes to Elise Testosterone! 

Back to the guys, with D'Kenny G... Eben Beiber... Big Jermaine... and Colton Dixon... and two spots left.  We go to break, then come back, and see the videos, plus Jimmy Iovine's take on them.  For the Gentle Giant, Big Jermaine, Jimmy is so glad the judges brought him back and could listen to his voice all night.  For D'Kenny G (I can't help it, this kid annoys the crap out of me), Jimmy says that he's got a lot of potential, but needs a coach.  For Eben Beiber, Jimmy says he's got potential, but is not ready, and he sang a song that was way to mature for him.  Jimmy then tells us about Colton that he's really talented, one of the most talented on this show, but needs to pace himself.

DIM THE LIGHTS!! Here we go!!

After the nationwide vote, Seacrusty tells us that D'Kenny G is OUT!  YIPPEE!!  Now two of the three are in... which two will it be?  Colton Dixon is IN the Top Ten!  Now, one Silver Stool of Security, with Eben Beiber and Big Jermaine left.  Who makes it?  After the nationwide vote, its Big Jermaine! 

So this is where we stand now...

Top Ten Guys:  Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Phillip2... Joshua Lidet... Colton Dixon... Big Jermaine

Top Ten Chicks:  Shannon Magrane... Hollie Cav... J-Sanch... Skylar Laine... Elise Testosterone

Now, the judges will reveal the SIX contestants they want to hear again... meaning eight are done already, they just don't know it yet.

First, its Jen Hirsh.  She, along with the other five, will get to "Sing for her her life".  She'll sing, and the judges will pick three of the six chosen--one per judge--to advance to the American Idol Finals. 

She sings a bluesy song, maybe called "Oh Darling", and it sounded great.  She stands in the middle, with the winners on the right, the losers on the left. 

Next, they choose Jeremy Risotto to come in and sing.  He kind of reminds me of Italiano whatshisname last year, chosen as a wild card pick due to this kind of "last chance" last chance.  He does another ballad.  I like Jen Hirsh better.  J-Lo is tearing up, and I really think this guy is her Wild Card Pick, regardless of how the others do.  I think he's kind of boring.  J-Lo is freakin' sobbing. 

The third Idol to get one final chance is Brielle Von Hugel.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Oh no... seriously?  Why do they keep giving her chances? I just don't like her!"  Maybe its because this, music, is Brielle Von Hugel's life, this means so much to her, this is all she wants to do.  Give her points for originality, Bob.

Even down to her original song choice, by... yep, you guessed it, this year's Go-To, the wonderful Adele.  BVH is singing "Someone Like You".  And I think she sucks.  And Mom Von Hugel is cheering in the audience... and I wonder if the Idol producers are telling the judges they have to pick BVH because Mom Von Hugel makes for great TV.   Oy.

And the judges just flat out tell her that it just wasn't that great, and even Randy the Dawg says, "You might be in some trouble."

I just threw up in my mouth when Randy the Dawg says, "We've chosen D'Kenny G to sing again."  I grunt loudly, and The Lovely Steph Leann, while doing a burp-inducing pat on Camp's back, says, "Are you really surprised?"

He's actually singing "Georgia on My Mind", a song that I didn't like when Michael Bolton did it, and I definitely don't like D'Kenny G doing it.  Blah.  And the judges all three frakkin' love this kid.  No joke.

J-Lo tells us that fifth on deck, EVP gets a final shot at the glory.  And when I typed "final shot at the glory", that was about 20 seconds before she revealed the song she was going to sing... "Edge of Glory" by Lady GaGa.  Is it GaGa or Gaga?  Who knows.  Point is, I'm telepathic.  Telepathetic.

I really like EVP, though I don't know if her song is good enough to get her in the Finals. 

Okay, so one more Idol gets a shot at Singing for Their Life.  And that one more Idol is Reed Grimm... I hand it to The Lovely Steph Leann, who just said, "I'll bet its Reed Grimm", and I said, "Him, or The Welfare Justin Timberlake..." and then Seacrusty says, "Reed Grimm!"  She's telepathetic too.

Before Reed Grimm can sing, we say goodbye to the other 8 who didn't get that final shot, including Bayley Brown! and Aaron Marcellus Wallace, and Hallie and Haley and Eben Beiber, and with the rules in place, none of them can try out again.  When you make it this far, if you don't go any further, your Idol career is over. 

Reed's final song is "Use Me" by Bill Withers... and he writhes and wiggles all over the stage, doing his Reed thang. 

J-Lo says, "We thought America deserved to see you one more time..." which means first, that Reed, and Brielle, who also got that, won't make it, they just felt worthy enough to perform once more...and this also means that their selections were pretty much made, they just had to fill SIX spots.

D'Kenny G... EVP... Brielle Von Hugel... Reed Grimm... Jeremy Risotto... and Jen Hirsh... three will advance, three will go home.

Randy the Dawg picks EVP as his Wild Card Pick.  J-Lo picks--duh--Jeremy Risotto, who falls to his knees, cries, then runs around and hugs J-Lo uncomfortably so.  And now, Creepy Uncle Steven picks as his Wild Card none other than.... D'Kenny G.  Crap it all. 

My thought is that America is annoyed with this kid too, and he won't make the real Top Ten--as in, he'll be voted out in the next three weeks.  Done and done.

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I think that we have a great group here, except for that Kenny G guy."  Well said.

The Idol Semi Finals: The Chicks

Note... when I say "Coming tomorrow...", consider that might mean "coming in a few days or so, due to the fact I have a three month old".  So there ya go.

Anyway, we saw the guys compete already... and now, its the chicks turn...  Chelsea Sorrell... EVP... Jen Hirsh... Brielle Von Hugel... Hallie Day... Skylar Laine... Bayley Brown!... Haley Johnson... Holly Cav... J-Sanch... Elise Testosterone... Twelve chicks, the five most popular will go into the Idols Top Ten, plus the judges Wild Card Picks.

By the way, we wanted to watch Idol last night, but after an anniversary dinner two days late, plus a movie (Denzel, who is always solid, in "Safe House"), we got in too late... so I've managed to avoid all media that might pertain to who won the Finals Spots on Idol on Thursdays results show, as did The Lovely Steph Leann.  So here we are.  And what is this?  Well, this...

THIS IS

THE AMERICAN

IDOL CHICKS

The judges--Creepy Uncle Steven in a pimp hat... Randy "The Dawg" Jackson... and J-Lo come out to much fanfare and applause, followed closely by Ryan Seacrusty. 

Up first, its Chelsea Sorrell, who hails from a teeny tiny town in North Carolina... singing a Carrie Underwood power twang tune.  She kinda sounds like good karaoke.  And that's all.  Carrie Underwood?  More like Karaokewood!  See what I did there? I kill me.

The judges say that they thought the song choice should have been better.  They didn't love it.

Next up, its wedding singer/DJ Erika Van Pelt... I said, "Aw, EVP", and The Lovely Steph Leann looked at me funny, saying "Uh... executive vice president?"  "No!  Erika!" "Ah."

And she's going to try to do a very hard task... Heart.  "What About Love" is her song, and her outfit doesn't fool me... she's a disco legging away from being a Wilson sister.  Its not a bad song, but a little baritoney for my tastes.

The judges say they liked it, but she could have gone stronger.  They didn't love it.

(worth noting... I'm blogging for the first time from the new laptop... still figuring out the settings and such)

Jen Hirsh, who I think I kinda like.  Her family video shows her hometown in California, and her family's wine vinyard.  Wait... what?  Tonight, she'll be singing "One and Only" from Adele.  Poor Jen Hirsh--she looks like she took a bath in Fake Tan.  She reminds me of Ross Geller, who ended up in the fake tan booth in that episode of Friends way back in the day.  Or "Going the Distance", with Justin Long, a movie that like, nobody saw except for me and The Lovely Steph Leann.  Not a bad movie, though based solely on the premise of random sex leading to love, then a relationship, not the other way around. 

Oh, Jen Hirsh is pretty doggone good.

The judges say they liked the fact she let loose.  They did love it.

(worth noting... don't know if its the slow songs, or just the fact she's tired, but The Lovely Steph Leann keeps drifting off, while Camp sits comfortably, gazing at Randy the Dawg)

And speaking of Randy the Dawg, he admits to Seacrusty that the previous night's show had the judges being a little too lenient on some of the dudes.  Gee, ya think?  I wonder if he saw all the message boards and columns about how it was a love-fest.

Brielle Von Hugel, the 17 year old from Staten Island who has the obsessive, smothering mom, and we are lucky enough to have Mom Von Hugel here in the audience!  Yay.  Singing "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay", she sits surrounded by the Idol guys on the edge of the stage. 

I shook my head, and said, "I think this is terrible"
The Lovely Steph Leann, without looking at me, just deadpans, "Yep."

Creepy Uncle Steven says, "Bee-you-tee-ful!"  J-Lo says, "True performer."  Randy the Dawg says, "Yo!"

The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Campbell's pooping."
I reply, "Guess he didn't like her either."

And we are back, with Hallie Day, 24, from Baltimore, Maryland.  We like her--she was the one who was strung out and an addict, but her husband brought her back from the edge and saved her.  Saved her in every way a woman can be saved.

Doing one of my Top 50 favorite songs of all time, "Feelin' Good", originally done by the immortal Nina Simone, Hallie Day starts... and I like it already.  Love it, actually. 

Me: Holy crap, she's got perfect teeth
Her: Sure.  Probably capped.

Amazing what one song that you love done well will do for your thoughts on an Idol can make.  Did that sentence make any sense?  Well, I know what I mean.  Anyway, Hallie Day is my favorite of all performances--guys or chicks--so far in this semi-final round.  Loved it.

J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven loved it.  Randy the Dawg loved it.

Speaking of poopy, Camp has finished.  Time to change.  Be back in mere moments.

...

...

...

aaaaand we're back.  Now that was some jacked up crap.  Wow.

Okay, so Idol chicks... five down, seven to go.  Now, its Skylar Laine, the most countrified country girl we have on this years show, and that's saying something as we have several country chicks this year.

Kicking it country style, Skylar throws down with some country ditty that I'm not familiar with, but one can only assume its called "Stay With Me", as she sings that line about 40 times.  She looks like she could be related closely to Amy Poehler. 

And, as expected, the judges loved it.  Randy the Dawg says, "its like Reba mixed with Kelly Clarkson!" and J-Lo chimes in "mixed with Tina Turner!" 

Finally, its one of my faves, Bayley Brown!  Now, Bayley Brown!, I've been rooting for you for a while, so don't let me down Bayley Brown!  That rhymed.  On purpose. 

Here's... sigh... here's "Amazed".  Seriously, Bayley Brown!, you have this once in a lifetime chance to show America what you can do, and you use this to sing "Amazed"?  This isn't good.  I'm wearing a frown, Bayley Brown!, though I do like that gown.

Now, when I rank Bayley Brown! at the end of this post, if I were being honest, I'd probably rank her fairly low.  But since I really dig Bayley Brown!, and I'm hoping that my ranking of her will influence the votes that happened two days ago, I'll probably rank her higher. 

The judges didn't love it.  Nor should they.  Sigh.

So now, it's Hollie Cav doing some Christina Aguilera.  I'm predicting that she'll sing "Reflection", which is a very teenage chick thing to do... But The Lovely Steph Leann is predicting "Beautiful", a song that she just deplores. 

"Reflection", from Disney's "Mulan", isn't one of my favorites, but its not bad.  And Hollie Cav is doing a fine job with it.   I guess her reflection is showing who she is inside.  But, I'm puzzled by the lack of lips on this chick's face.  Very, very thin lips.

And the judges just sop her up with a biscuit. 

So, here comes Haley Johnson, and it just occurred to me that we've got a Hallie, a Hollie and a Haley in this season.  Haley is a former barista, from Oregon.  She didn't work at Starbucks, though, so that's one strike, but she does seem like a nice lady.

"Sweet Dreams"?  Really?  The Eurythmics?  I hate this song, that being the original version.  And I'm not a fan of the cover version by Haley Johnson here.  I look over and The Lovely Steph Leann has a very pained look on her face.  "Its a weird song anyway, and I feel like she's took all the melody... she wasn't flat, but I kept feeling like she was going there, and I kept thinking 'oh, please stay on key, stay on key!'"  There ya go.

Personally, I feel like this was a terrible song for this audition... this is something you do in 80s week in Week Nine, after you have proven yourself in other songs.  Not something you do when you have ONE chance to make the finals. 

J-Lo loved it, and all the special things she did in her song.   Creepy Uncle Steven said he loved it.  And Randy the Dawg?  "Sort of like a nightmare, not a dream..." And while I agree with RtD, we both feel bad for her because she's the first person in the whole Semis to get a bad review... when many deserve the negative reviews, even more so than Haley Johnson.  Just sayin'.

Coming in at 6 foot tall or so, its 16 year old Shannon Magrane!  Holy crap!  She's singing "Go Light Your World" by Kathy Triccoli!?!?  That's AWESOME!!!  Back in 1995, Kathy T was the stuff in Contemporary Christian Music, and this song was used in countless drama to music human videos in various churchy type retreaty things.  I was in several in my years.  This song is all about carrying the light of Christ to those who are hopeless and lost. 

I love this chick.  She might be my new Bayley Brown! because after tonight, Bayley Brown! won't be around much longer. 

Randy the Dawg loved it.  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven used the term "my reality check bounced...", but he loved it. 

In the 11th spot, its Jessica Sanchez, a girl who's been dreaming of this chance since she was five years old... so it feels like she has been dreaming of this for about three or four years. 

Not sure if I like J-Sanch's song, but she sounds like she's got vocal chops to spare.  I'm not even sure of what song this is, but she just belted out something that will almost ensure her a spot in the Top 13, if not by votes, then by a Wild Card Pick. 

Randy the Dawg gives the, "Yo!  That girl can sing!" to J-Sanch.  J-Lo loved it.  Creepy Uncle Steven ogles her and gives her affection.

See, Bayley Brown! and Haley Johnson should take notes--THAT is the kind of performance you give to get into a Top 13. 

Finally... Elise Testosterone, 28, and lives in Charleston, South Carolina, and she will end our show tonight.  Sitting at the piano, apparently singing another Adele song, Elise kicks off the song with this raspy voice that I think I really, really like. 

Dude.  I dig this.  I dig this all around, and back again.  Rock on. 

And the judges love the whole thing. 

So rather than waxing poetic about the performances, let's just go straight to the Idol Top 13...

My best to worst... Hallie Day... Elise Testosterone... J-Sanch... Shannon Magrane... Hollie Cav... Bayley Brown! (where I wanted her to be)... Jen Hirsh... EVP... Skylar Laine... Bayley Brown! (where she probably should be)... Chelsea Sorrell... Haley Johnson... Brielle Von Hugel

My predictions for the Top Five... Elise Testosterone... J-Sanch... Hollie Cav... Jen Hirsh... Skylar Laine... Hallie Day... my picks for possible Wild Card:  Brielle Von Hugel... EVP... maybe Shannon Magrane... Unfortunately, no Bayley Brown! selection predicted.

The Semi Finals Begin: Guys Night

According to the stats that Seacrusty and Fox likes to toss up, there are less grains of sand on this world's beaches than people who auditioned this year.  There are fewer stars in the sky than the average amount of hopefuls who showed up to try and make it.  There are less screw-ups in ObamaCare than the number of people who tried out... well, there are a lot of screw-ups in ObamaCare... maybe the number might be equal.

Needless to say, right here on this here Coffee blog here we have chronicled, night by night, the auditions, who to watch for, who sounded good, who sounded great, who is overrated and who is underrated.  And, of course, Bayley Brown! came back.  We've whittled it down to only 24 people, 12 dudes and 12 chicks... and tonight, the dudes start the show...

THIS IS 

AMERICAN

IDOL GUYS NIGHT

Some weird announcer voice comes up, and invites us to welcome the judges... Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler... Jennifer Lo... and Randy Jackson, the Dawg... and here comes Ryan Seacrusty himself, telling us its The Big Time!

On Thursday, we find out who joins the Idol Finals, as the Top Five Guys and Top Five Chick vote getters will advance, and each judge gets a Wild Card Pick, rounding out a Top 13 Finals.

And remember, Seacrusty informed us that one of the previously cut dudes was coming back--Big Jermaine.. Jerkweed Cowboy... Lil Pimp... or Johnny Keyser will come back tonight, through some magic of "we are Fox and we'll do it how we want to..."  And who is that?  We'll find out later...

The Idol dudes could pick any song they want (though I'm sure it had to be approved due to rights), and tonight, Reed Grimm gets the pole position, going first.  Singing "Moves Like Jagger," Reed kicks off the semi-final round.  His version is very bluesy, and he does a bit on a small drum set on stage.  And he flails so much, his mic pops off at the end.

Randy the Dawg thought it was a great kick-off to the show, as did J-Lo, and Creepy Uncle Steven loved his little fancy footwork shuffley thing.

In the 2nd spot, here comes 27 year old, Pittsburgh native White Chocolate!  And strangely enough, he goes right after the "didn't expect you to sing that song" vote, as he takes on Aretha's "Think".  Though he might have a large black woman trapped in his body, sorta like Tyler Perry, to me, its just not coming out tonight.  This is kind of a boring performance.  Sad.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

And now is a guy that we saw very little of until like, last week.  That's right, its D'Kenny G.  Sorry, this kid just bores me.  Not interested.  Campbell is crying a bit in the background of the room, and his swingy chair is playing some music... I'm only guessing it is enhancing D'Kenny G's song.  He's got some chops, but I'm just not impressed.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Now, here comes one of the guys that The Lovely Steph Leann is rooting for... Colton Dixon.  The dude who's sister auditioned, had the judges coerce him into auditioning (again) and he ends up making it, after his sister gets cut.  Singing some Paramore, he sits at a piano... and in addition to The Lovely Steph Leann, I genuinely like this guy.

However the judges feel, they loved it.

And now, Jeremy Risotto is doing some Sara Bareillis, the song being "Gravity".  I'm a little torn, as I don't know that I would have picked this song, but I'd feel bad if Jeremy messed up one that I really like, like "Love Song", probably my favorite song of the last ten years.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Good to get some color in here!  And now its Aaron Marcellus Wallace!  He's a regular dude with a big dream, because this means everything to him.  He's singing The Jackson 5's "Never Can Say Goodbye", and he's got an advantage over most of the other guys, being black and all.  Personally, out of five auditions that were just pretty good, this one feels like my favorite thusfar.

However the judges feel, differently.  They loved it.

This season's country crooner, as Seacrusty called him, is Chase Likens... singing "Storm Warning", he's got a voice made for country radio, flat out.  And the name, "Chase Likens", sounds like a country name.  He's not blowing me away, but I can see him being successful at some point.

However the judges feel, they loved it.

The stage now belongs to The Welfare Justin Timberlake, aka, Creighton Fraker.  He wins the award for Most Likely To Come Out During the Run of Idol This Season... and Welfare Timberlake is keeping the ballad trend going by doing one of my least favorite Cyndi Lauper song, "True Colors".   And it kinda put me to sleep. No joke, I just nodded off three times.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Phillip Phillips, the pawn shop worker, has joined us now.  Phillip2 is doing Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight", and I dig it.  Its dirty, its raw, its bluesy and I can dig it.  Best so far tonight, I thought.

However, the judges... sensing a pattern here?

The little girls go crazy as Eben Beiber is up next!  He sat next to Lil Pimp and was chosen over said Lil Pimp on the last Hollywood show.  Eben Beiber is doing "Set Fire to the Rain" from Adele.  Can you imagine how a 15 year old would sing a grown up song like "Set Fire to the Rain"?  That's how Eben Beiber is doing right now.  But I'm guessing he'll make it through, due to the legions of little girls who will follow him incessantly.  Eh, it was okay.  Seems like he's taking it just one step at a time.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

I think the producers are split on Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) because on one hand, he's funny, and fun, and cutie patootie and you never know what he'll say and talented and on and one... but on the other hand, do they want THIS GUY to be their American Idol?   Seriously?   So, Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better) is doing "Angels", as she shows off his sensitive side.  Good vocals, but I'm bored, again.

The judges felt like it might be the wrong song.

However, the judges loved it.

And the Pimp Spot, the final spot of the night, here's Joshua Lidet doing some Jennifer Hudson, as in, "Pull Me Through."  Geez!  I'm freakin' bored!  I mean, great voice, sounds good, but the song is a ballady type song, crossed with an inspiration song, and it equals I'm sleepy.

However, the judges feel differently.  They loved it.

Just like they loved every other song sung tonight.  Every.  Single.  Tune.  Could we get Simon to just phone in for a few minutes?

And finally... who comes back?  Well, its not other than Big Jermaine... which makes me very, very happy.  I love this dude.  He's doing Luther's ballad "Dance with My Father", and its not perfect, but I want this guy to go on to the next round.

Of course, the judges loved it.

My favorites of the night... Phillip2... Aaron Marcellus Wallace... Colton Dixon... Joshua Lidet... Big Jermaine... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Reed Grimm... Chase Likens.... White Chocolate...Eben Beiber... Jeremy Risotto... The Welfare Justin Timerlake... D'Kenny G


My predictions on who will advance:  Phillip2... Colton Dixon... Joshua Lidet... Hey Jun! (he'll take a sad song and make it better)... Reed Grimm.  Possible wild card selections might be Big Jermaine... The Welfare Justin Timberlake... D'Kenny G.  

TOMORROW NIGHT... THE CHICKS TAKE OVER